Feel sad and reluctant at the idea of any intimacy with my husband :-(

[NotInThePlan]

Hugging is ok. Quite nice actually, although it makes me feel sad because I know that's all I want. When he kisses me I want to pull away. We've barely had sex in the last 3-4 years. He instigates and I put him off, feigning tiredness, illness, or just plain 'no thanks, not in the mood'. Sometimes I agree, because I feel I 'should', and I try to get in to it, really I do, but again, it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I no longer feel the way I used to about him and I don't know why. I've cried afterwards the last couple of times. I like spending time with him - we enjoy time together, going out with the kids, watching tv, going out for occasional meals. But intimacy? I can't. And I don't know why.

He's a good man. He's never done anything wrong, he's never treated me badly. He's a great father. Why do I feel like this, and how can I go on feeling like this. Or rather, how can I change feeling like this? Or is it a lost cause. Should I cut and run? I know that if I did that he would be destroyed. He knows things aren't great (obviously) but I think he also thinks that we're ticking along alright. He adores me, and he adores our children. He doesn't know my feelings regarding intimacy with him. Maybe I should leave him to find a future with someone who can be the wife he deserves to have.

I don't know what I hope to achieve from posting here, but I don't really know what else to do.

[Dreadedsunnyday]

This might be the wrong thing to say and I'm sorry if it is. But this was me once. And I wasn't honest with myself and sensible and proactive like you and all I did was put my head down and pretend it wasn't happening. I couldn't confront the reality of it and for whatever reason he didn't feel he could talk to me about it.

So we kept on going with the happy family bit but he went off and had an affair and I only found out when he told me, we'd become so distant. He's married to her now and it has been utterly awful for me, my kids and the rest of my family too.

So don't be me OP

[PetraArkanian]

SGB me too please!!

[NotInThePlan]

Thanks SGB. And yes, he is a nice man, it would/will horrify him that that is how it is for me, and yes that's what he does instead a lot of the time. It can't go on forever though so I will take the advice I've been given here and make efforts to fix myself and us.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Will do.

[Keepithidden]

SGB please could you PM me their details too. Assuming they and you are okay with that. Thank you.

[SolidGoldBrass]

You could say to him: look, there's something up with my libido. I am going to look in to seeing a counsellor. I love you, please be patient with me for a little longer.
If he's a nice man, he would rather you told him this than either blocked sex forever or endured it silently and cried afterwards. A nice man doesn't want his wife to put up with sex and then cry - a nice man finds the thought of that horrifying and he would much rather have a quiet wank on his own than distress her.
I will dig out the contact details for both the therapists I know (both are pals of mine who I consider sensible, honest, sympathetic, open-minded women, and both are properly trained and professionally qualified.) I'll PM you the stuff and then it's up to you.

[rb32]

You don't want sex with the man but you think he's attractive. There is a difference! So you used to have a good sex life and still think he's a good looking bloke, it's just the sex bit that's the problem.
'When he kisses me I want to pull away.' Is that because you know what it might lead to, or is it because you really don't like kissing him?

[differentnameforthis]

I guess if you don't feel attracted to him anymore, that is probably not helping.

I don't know if you can get that back to be honest.

[NotInThePlan]

But isn't the lack of sexual connection the same as not fancying him?

I look at him and think yes, you're an attractive man, but I don't feel attracted anymore.

[rb32]

You don't use the word 'repulse' for a start!! Just say you don't want sex and you have no idea why. Make sure he knows you still fancy him (assuming you do...you haven't actually said if you still find him attractive or not here yet) but you've developed an issue with sex and you need some help getting over it. You might just find openly speaking about it like that to him helps relieve alot of the pressure and changes your mindset.

[NotInThePlan]

I've thought about leaving, and I'd be able to support myself financially if I did, but that's not what I want for my children, and I know I need to address the problem rather than run away.

[NotInThePlan]

rb32, I agree. How to get there without breaking him and his (sometimes fragile) self esteem is something I struggle with. How do I go from 'I don't want sex because I have no libido and I'm so tired etc' to 'I don't want sex for the previously stated reasons, but also, the very idea of it repulses me. Oh, and by the way, those few times we have managed it recently I've gone to the bathroom for a little cry afterwards.'

[rb32]

If you were my partner I'd have asked what's going on already. I think you need to be much more open about it with him. You say he's a good man and he's happy to go along with things as they are. This speaks volumes about him and he's obviously quite willing to accommodate you lack of interest, and I'm sure he'll be willing to help resolve them in any way he can. You owe it to him to make an effort to talk about it and sort your issues together, that's the wife he 'deserves' and it's the kindest thing you can do. Leaving him, taking the kids etc is not the right thing to do until you've tried to resolve your issues with him first.

[NotInThePlan]

SGB, I've been around long enough to know you're genuine, and generally respect your opinion, so if you'd be able to pass on details or a website for your contact that would be appreciated. And maybe email consultation would be more realistic anyway. I'm not very good at talking face to face (with anyone!) And there's also little enough time in the day as it is, without shoehorning more appointments in.

different name, he is involved in the house. He didn't used to be so much but has realised in the last few years that he needed to be, and to be fair has stepped up. He cooks, he does packed lunches, washing, deals with the kids, lots of stuff.

Build up, no he never just 'gets on with it' there's always a bit of touchy feely ness stuff, but I'll admit that when we cuddle, or get overly affectionate I withdraw as I feel like it'll just encourage sex which I don't want. I feel shitty for doing it. Then the times when I decide I will participate it's almost as if I feel he's then too touchy and I just want it over with. That sounds fucking terrible when I write it down now.

Why do I cry? Because I'm not being honest with him. This lovely, kind, gentle man who wants me for me and I just can't feel the same. I love him dearly but not sexually. I feel like any sexual connection I felt with him previously has shrivelled and died...can you ever get that back?

[SolidGoldBrass]

I do know a couple of counsellors and one, I think, does email consultations. Would you like me to dig out the info, OP?
(Bear in mind that I don't know you, or anything about you, and you would be under no obligation to take it up - it's just that this woman is someone I know and have a good opinion of.)

[differentnameforthis]

Oh & how does you dh build up to sex? It is a slow paced build up, with kisses, cuddles, talking etc, or is it a quick grope & on he gets?

Sorry about my terminology!

[differentnameforthis]

Asking if it is just your dh who you don't want sex with isn't very helpful, I don't think. Unless op has a string of boyfriends, she doesn't know if this is because of her dh, or a done deal across the board.

Something no one else has touched on since you wrote it, op...

I think I started to change after our first child, and got progressively worse ... and also it hurt Are you worried you may start to experience pain again?

It went by itself, in your mind are you worrying that perhaps there is nothing to say it won't return again, especially as your gp seemed a bit ineffective?

When you cry after sex, what exactly are you feeling? Is it shame? The feeling of being used? The fact that you didn't enjoy it?

Does your dh help with the running of the house?

[rembrandtsrockchick]

The suggestion that you try psuchosexual therapy is a good one. Relate have an excellent program which could be very effective if you have the will and the desire to do it.

[Delphiniumsblue]

I would speak to your GP and get counselling if you do want to save the relationship. My children have left home now and looking back the child rearing part is over so quickly and we are in our own. We are really enjoying it. It it would be unbearable if we were parents and nothing else.

[Horsemad]

Do you ever get time away from the house, DC etc? Time to reconnect and be you two again?

I completely understand how you feel - I felt like I'd lost 'me' when my DC were younger. Things are better now they're older but for a while I just wasn't interested in us as a couple (undiagnosed PND contributed to that I think).

I would speak to the GP and ask for a referral for counselling. Tell the GP what you've said here.

[PlantsAndFlowers]

That seems a bit vague. I just ask as I'm of the opinion that if it was there In the past, there's a chance of recapturing it.

[NotInThePlan]

Yes. Once upon a time, I think.

[PlantsAndFlowers]

Did he ever give you the fanny gallops?

[NotInThePlan]

Apologies for disappearing. Back now.

someday Yes, I've little doubt that there is a connection to having my last child. I think now that I more than likely had PND. Unfortunately I was so busy 'keeping up appearances' that no one noticed, not even me, until more recently. I took ADs for a while a year or so ago but hated taking them and stopped after about 9 months. I felt like I was in a fog, and that by taking them I was 'cheating' or covering up my life. Irrational, I know.

Everythingcounts / horsemad No, things haven't always been like this. We used to be at it all the time. And we'd always been quite affectionate, holding hands and cuddling etc. I think I started to change after our first child, and got progressively worse. After our second child we didn't have much sex because I was too tired, and also it hurt (which I saw my GP about, which wasn't a lot of help, but the hurting stopped a year or so after the birth). It's more recently (last 2 years) that we didn't have sex because I just didn't want to. At all. Ever.

lavender Not on the Pill. Haven't used any hormonal contraceptives since we had DS (7 years), we've used condoms since. I thought about getting a Mirena, thinking that maybe it would increase spontaneity, but then read lots about loss of libido/moodswings etc and worried that it's make things even worse. And yes, there are body issues. I hate myself. I've gained and lost more weight than your average 7 year old weighs, more than once. DH is similar in terms of yoyo weight gain/loss but right now is the fittest he's ever been, yet I don't fancy him.

Balia, eyebags, lavender, re: libido. If you'd asked me that question perhaps a year ago I'd have said that I had absolutely no libido whatsoever. That I wouldn't have cared if I never had sex again, with anyone. Now... Yes, it's definitely changed. I fantasise about other men and I feel stirrings. I want to have sex. But I can't make it happen with DH. He kisses me and I'm ashamed to say that inwardly I ever so slightly recoil. I close down. I try to make it so that he wan't want me. I pick a fight, or I stuff my face with food to try make myself more unattractive.

It's a giant bloody mess. I am a giant bloody mess.

How does one look in to counselling? If I were to ask for a referral do I have to tell the GP all of this or can I just ask to be referred? If I were to go privately how much would I be looking at - how would I know who was any good? This Psycho-sexual counselling some of you have referred to - would it need to be both of us, or would I go on my own (at least for a while)?

Those of you who have said you are going through, or have experienced similar, do you see a solution for yourselves?

Long post. Sorry!

[somedayillbesaturdaynite]

you mention 3-4 years and that your youngest is 4yo, i am not clued up but wondering if there is a connection there