Feel sad and reluctant at the idea of any intimacy with my husband :-(

[NotInThePlan]

Hugging is ok. Quite nice actually, although it makes me feel sad because I know that's all I want. When he kisses me I want to pull away. We've barely had sex in the last 3-4 years. He instigates and I put him off, feigning tiredness, illness, or just plain 'no thanks, not in the mood'. Sometimes I agree, because I feel I 'should', and I try to get in to it, really I do, but again, it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I no longer feel the way I used to about him and I don't know why. I've cried afterwards the last couple of times. I like spending time with him - we enjoy time together, going out with the kids, watching tv, going out for occasional meals. But intimacy? I can't. And I don't know why.

He's a good man. He's never done anything wrong, he's never treated me badly. He's a great father. Why do I feel like this, and how can I go on feeling like this. Or rather, how can I change feeling like this? Or is it a lost cause. Should I cut and run? I know that if I did that he would be destroyed. He knows things aren't great (obviously) but I think he also thinks that we're ticking along alright. He adores me, and he adores our children. He doesn't know my feelings regarding intimacy with him. Maybe I should leave him to find a future with someone who can be the wife he deserves to have.

I don't know what I hope to achieve from posting here, but I don't really know what else to do.

SGB, I've been around long enough to know you're genuine, and generally respect your opinion, so if you'd be able to pass on details or a website for your contact that would be appreciated. And maybe email consultation would be more realistic anyway. I'm not very good at talking face to face (with anyone!) And there's also little enough time in the day as it is, without shoehorning more appointments in.

different name, he is involved in the house. He didn't used to be so much but has realised in the last few years that he needed to be, and to be fair has stepped up. He cooks, he does packed lunches, washing, deals with the kids, lots of stuff.

Build up, no he never just 'gets on with it' there's always a bit of touchy feely ness stuff, but I'll admit that when we cuddle, or get overly affectionate I withdraw as I feel like it'll just encourage sex which I don't want. I feel shitty for doing it. Then the times when I decide I will participate it's almost as if I feel he's then too touchy and I just want it over with. That sounds fucking terrible when I write it down now.

Why do I cry? Because I'm not being honest with him. This lovely, kind, gentle man who wants me for me and I just can't feel the same. I love him dearly but not sexually. I feel like any sexual connection I felt with him previously has shrivelled and died...can you ever get that back?

If you were my partner I'd have asked what's going on already. I think you need to be much more open about it with him. You say he's a good man and he's happy to go along with things as they are. This speaks volumes about him and he's obviously quite willing to accommodate you lack of interest, and I'm sure he'll be willing to help resolve them in any way he can. You owe it to him to make an effort to talk about it and sort your issues together, that's the wife he 'deserves' and it's the kindest thing you can do. Leaving him, taking the kids etc is not the right thing to do until you've tried to resolve your issues with him first.

rb32, I agree. How to get there without breaking him and his (sometimes fragile) self esteem is something I struggle with. How do I go from 'I don't want sex because I have no libido and I'm so tired etc' to 'I don't want sex for the previously stated reasons, but also, the very idea of it repulses me. Oh, and by the way, those few times we have managed it recently I've gone to the bathroom for a little cry afterwards.'

I've thought about leaving, and I'd be able to support myself financially if I did, but that's not what I want for my children, and I know I need to address the problem rather than run away.

You don't use the word 'repulse' for a start!! Just say you don't want sex and you have no idea why. Make sure he knows you still fancy him (assuming you do...you haven't actually said if you still find him attractive or not here yet) but you've developed an issue with sex and you need some help getting over it. You might just find openly speaking about it like that to him helps relieve alot of the pressure and changes your mindset.

But isn't the lack of sexual connection the same as not fancying him?

I look at him and think yes, you're an attractive man, but I don't feel attracted anymore.

I guess if you don't feel attracted to him anymore, that is probably not helping.

I don't know if you can get that back to be honest.

You don't want sex with the man but you think he's attractive. There is a difference! So you used to have a good sex life and still think he's a good looking bloke, it's just the sex bit that's the problem.
'When he kisses me I want to pull away.' Is that because you know what it might lead to, or is it because you really don't like kissing him?

You could say to him: look, there's something up with my libido. I am going to look in to seeing a counsellor. I love you, please be patient with me for a little longer.
If he's a nice man, he would rather you told him this than either blocked sex forever or endured it silently and cried afterwards. A nice man doesn't want his wife to put up with sex and then cry - a nice man finds the thought of that horrifying and he would much rather have a quiet wank on his own than distress her.
I will dig out the contact details for both the therapists I know (both are pals of mine who I consider sensible, honest, sympathetic, open-minded women, and both are properly trained and professionally qualified.) I'll PM you the stuff and then it's up to you.

SGB please could you PM me their details too. Assuming they and you are okay with that. Thank you.

Will do.

Thanks SGB. And yes, he is a nice man, it would/will horrify him that that is how it is for me, and yes that's what he does instead a lot of the time. It can't go on forever though so I will take the advice I've been given here and make efforts to fix myself and us.

SGB me too please!!

This might be the wrong thing to say and I'm sorry if it is. But this was me once. And I wasn't honest with myself and sensible and proactive like you and all I did was put my head down and pretend it wasn't happening. I couldn't confront the reality of it and for whatever reason he didn't feel he could talk to me about it.

So we kept on going with the happy family bit but he went off and had an affair and I only found out when he told me, we'd become so distant. He's married to her now and it has been utterly awful for me, my kids and the rest of my family too.

So don't be me OP