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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExP wants me to apologise for saying...

61 replies

theendoftheendoftheend · 30/08/2014 23:16

'It's not your money, it's not my money, it's the DC's money' regarding the maintenance payments he makes each month.
I have tried to see his point of view and why he found this 'disrespectful' but for the life of me I can't. He really wants me to understand his point of view and apologise, but without understanding his point of view I can't apologise!
He has tried to explain but I still don't get it.
Is it an unkind thing to say? Is it diminishing his role? I just thought it was an accurate discription.
Any ideas? I suspect tbh that he was just picking a row and there is another issue at the root of it, but I don't want to be dismissive if he does have a point and IABU?

OP posts:
EBearhug · 30/08/2014 23:17

Well, there's at least one reason he's your ex, isn't there...

ashesgirl · 30/08/2014 23:19

No, he's being ridiculous. Ignore him

Fairylea · 30/08/2014 23:20

You're right. He's wrong.

Wine
Inertia · 30/08/2014 23:21

He's picking a fight.

He views it as disrespectful because a) he doesn't want to pay for his children and agreeing that it's their money would show him up as a horrible bastard for not supporting them, and b) he wants you to do as you're told.

Glad you are standing up to him- you are absolutely right!

Polonium · 30/08/2014 23:21

What a bore.

Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 30/08/2014 23:22

This is it, I feel like he just wants me to apologise for something so has made up an issue. I used to apologise all the time but now we're separated its less of a knee jerk reaction. I don't get his point and am wondering if anyone does and can explain it to me.

OP posts:
ashesgirl · 30/08/2014 23:22

I wouldn't even bother trying to analyse it. It's something over nothing.

Inertia · 31/08/2014 00:00

I can explain it.

You are a rational human being. He is an argumentative twat.

Hope this helps :)

Finola1step · 31/08/2014 00:03

I too can explain it. This is a simple case of him showing you why you are no longer together.

Ignore and disengage over this particular issue.

sykadelic · 31/08/2014 00:04

Can you explain more of how the conversation came about?

tipsytrifle · 31/08/2014 00:05

It's time to stop considering his point of view at all. He sounds like a controller who wants to tyrannise you. Don't engage, you are free. You don't even have to share the time of day with him, should he ask.

Seriously, as Fairylea put it, you're right, he's wrong. No apology.

bumdiedum · 31/08/2014 00:05

Maybe he just wants you to recognise that he is supporting his DC by giving you/them the money. That would seem fair enough to me since he's presumably worked for it.

Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 31/08/2014 00:06

Thanks all, I appreciate the feedback I knew I was right!
Feel like a bit of a twat now for posting such a stupid question, just wanted some unbiased views as my lack of an apology will mean this goes on forever

OP posts:
Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 31/08/2014 00:13

bum you seem to get his point of view, I didn't mean to disregard where the money came from, just that once it was 'given' it was theirs and I spend it on them.
The conversation came about as he gets paid on the last day of the month which I presumed would be yesterday when I had arranged to go and get their shoes and school banded bits and pieces, so I asked if he got paid that day could he do the transfer that day as I needed to pay for those things. Usually if he forgot and did it next week it wouldn't be an issue but this month I needed to ask/remind him.

OP posts:
Molio · 31/08/2014 00:14

Well tell him you refuse to discuss it anymore then OP. These ex's need to know that there's a reason why they're just that. Don't let him bang on and bang on or it will never end.

gertiegusset · 31/08/2014 00:18

Isn't that what good parents do bum?
Support their kids, without constant gratefulness and gratitude.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 31/08/2014 00:22

I agree with the others...

You = normal, rational person.

Him = total twat, thankfully EX

Honestly, stop trying to understand the stupid shit he says and does and enjoy the fact that you don't have to do that anymore!! You can just think 'twat' and move on.

Be dismissive. It's all he deserves.

Molio · 31/08/2014 00:28

....just think 'twat' and move on

Excellent advice.

Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 31/08/2014 00:37

That's what I think Gertie I have full time care he has 2-3 nights a week he insisted on to reduce his maintenance payments, meaning he turns up at 6 (once they've been fed by me) questions where I'm going, who with and insists I'm back by 11 at the latest. 'His' Sundays involve me providing everything whilst he lies on the couch. If I go out I have to lay out food before I go and clear up when I get back. I accept it as I would rather they have the consistency of being in their own home without lodgers/randoms coming and going, and so DC can have their mum & dad be just that without any aggravations. I also work, and when i'm not working I do childcare so I get childcare for when I do work. I don't feel inclined to congratulate him when he accuses me of being only interested in money, lazy, on the make etc. Especially when he walked away with the house and I walked away with the debts and a whopping great rental bill to get another 3 bed house to accommodate me and 3 DC while he sits in a 3 bed with a tiny mortgage renting out rooms so the DC can't stay there and bemoaning how he can't afford CM whilst he goes on 3 foreign holidays in a year, spends 8000 on a new car and then has a go at me for having my first ever weekend away from the DC with free travel and accommodation!!

OP posts:
Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 31/08/2014 00:37

That felt good to get off my chest! Grin

OP posts:
PicandMinx · 31/08/2014 00:42

He doesn't spend his time with the DC at your home does he?

Darkesteyes · 31/08/2014 00:48

He is an abusive arsehole. He is being financially controlling and trying to control your movements.

Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 31/08/2014 00:52

Yes he does, but I am complicit in that. My home is their home. His home is where there are lodgers, lodgers friends, drugs, and visits from someone who police and SS have told both of us DC are not to be left alone with (although they also said they don't think he's really a threat based on previous incidents and neither do i , but still the instructions were clear and I go by those). Basically, it just is easier (and i think in best interests of everyone) as long as I can wing it and keep him happy, which is why I don't want to fall out.

OP posts:
Inertia · 31/08/2014 00:58

Have you had proper legal advice ? It sounds as though he has swindled your children out of their own home. And maintenance payments should be via the csa so they can't be late again.

The fact that he kicked your children out of their home for profit, that he controls your life even though you're separated, that he begrudges his children shoes and school uniform, and he expects you to skivvy for him in your home when you're working- it all beggars belief. I do hope this thread can open your eyes to exactly how badly you are being treated.
I take back what I said about him earlier. Argumentative twat is too good for him. He is an utterly foul, controlling, abusive bully.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 31/08/2014 00:59

If he doesn't look after the kids at his home overnight, then those 2/3 evenings a week DON'T qualify him for a reduction in maintenance. They're still at your house overnight. Basically you do 365 nights a year, he just pops round for a few. I'd sort that with the CSA.