ExP wants me to apologise for saying...

[theendoftheendoftheend]

'It's not your money, it's not my money, it's the DC's money' regarding the maintenance payments he makes each month.
I have tried to see his point of view and why he found this 'disrespectful' but for the life of me I can't. He really wants me to understand his point of view and apologise, but without understanding his point of view I can't apologise!
He has tried to explain but I still don't get it.
Is it an unkind thing to say? Is it diminishing his role? I just thought it was an accurate discription.
Any ideas? I suspect tbh that he was just picking a row and there is another issue at the root of it, but I don't want to be dismissive if he does have a point and IABU?

I know it makes no sense at all! I have got myself into this situation though there is no denying it.
I don't think he can really see the full picture, he's said I don't show any appreciation for everything he does. Its a bit hard to when I do feel that he is somewhat taking the piss.

It doesn't matter what picture he can see, you are separated. You don't have to show appreciation for 'everything' he does (square root of fuck all comes to mind). Your relationship now is about two separate people co-parenting. Although there's precious little of that coming from him.

You're not friends, you need to have a tolerably civil relationship for the sake of your children and that is it. You have let him royally fuck you over (all of you, not just you personally) in the name of keeping the peace. And it still isn't working, is it? So just stop.

somewhat taking the piss.

That has to be understatement of the year ...

Thing is, he may well be, probably is a narcissist but actually that just makes it worse. It means there is no hope of anything other than ruthless escalation and exploitation of your good self. This absolutely does affect the dcs.

I so hope you will move beyond the bemused stage of recognising how awful this is. You do know this is abusively awful, yes? Not just a piss-take but vile control and domination. Presumably the same kind of thing that sort of half-way split you up?

I wonder if you've talked with Women's Aid at all? If you perhaps should do that? Others would know better than me if I'm advising a worthwhile course of action. You certainly need legal intervention.

if you won't "rock the boat" then nothing will change

that's about the long and short of it

You need a back up plan (CSA!!). My ex stopped paying because he didn't think I was grateful. He's not in the UK so I needed to go to court, and it took months. A year and a bit later he's still refusing to pay the arrears that he owes, so I'm waiting for another court date.

You do need to detach and regain your life, just make sure you're prepared for everything he'll throw at you.

I don't think he can really see the full picture,

Thing is, a narc is his or her own full picture. They are It. I would gently suggest that you are the one not seeing a true picture of what is going on. Totally understandable, goodness you've lived under his reign for so long I'm impressed you haven't been completely subsumed to his will. But dear heart, you need to paint a whole new picture that puts your ex very clearly and firmly in one designated area of YOUR canvas.

Sorry to rattle on so. A narcissist all but destroyed me many moons ago, so I am a bit strident in my wish for you to get away less damaged than I was.

Please dont apologise to him. those words are often said by women in our situation when the dad complains about having to pay the money over.

You've had some great advice already OP and I second it all. The maintenance should not be reduced unless they are staying at his house. All he is doing is babysitting and controlling you.

I'd also recommend Women's Aid Freedom programme. It changed my friends life after years of being with a control freak. She's a different person now.

Thanks all for your advice, its really helpful just to hear people confirm what i thought.
tipsy its inspiring to hear from people who have been there and broken free. I have spoken to women's aid before, the first time they were great, the second time was very difficult.
I have looked up the freedom programme and have signed up to do the on line course. I'd like to join a local group too. The problem isn't so much that i can't see the situation as i have no idea of how to deal with it better. I am still scared of making things worse.

OP - here's another angle on this. You do realise that what you are actually doing by facilitating all this is ensuring that your children end up with a sponging, controlling, aggressive, nasty, bad-influence older adult in their lives, ALL their lives, doing to them what he does to you?

You AREN'T giving them the illusion of a lovely family with a great dad. You are setting them up to be swindled, harrassed, sponged off. The way he is with you is the way he is FULL STOP, with people close to him. He is simply a bad egg - what you've said about the house is unbelievable! He's STOLEN from your DC - what the hell do you think he'd be like with them once they have homes of their own, stability, maybe more money than him? He'll make their lives a misery.

He clearly doesn't give a shit about them. Rock the boat because with any luck it might make him FUCK OFF.

Please go to the CSA and get it changed and tell him you don't care, he's not coming in your house again. If he wants things changing, take it to court. He can't take them to his house? His problem. Oh, and his house is actually THEIR HOUSE. So get to a solicitor and start sorting that too.

You have allowed your children's future security to be stolen from them by a man you're letting primt them now to be a leech for the future.

Start stopping it now!

primt = prime