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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Need some support please. Baby due and my husband has left.

66 replies

InAnotherLifetime · 29/08/2014 19:36

I don't know where to start. My husband has a cannabis addiction and an internet porn addiction. He has kept these well hidden from me. I have often felt something was up - he didn't seem 'present' in our lives. Here but not here if that makes any sense at all.

I could never put my finger on it. He holds down a successful career in a well respected field. He appears as a happy functioning and responsible adult but he is so far from that. We never had a good/regular sex life but we both out that down to tiredness.

So here I am, about to give birth to our 3rd child, and he has been gone for 10 days. Staying at his mum and dad's after we had an almighty row.

I found his internet history and then looked through his emails/phone records after seeing the things I saw in the history. He downloads porn every night, and has made calls to a drug dealer for at least the past couple of years maybe longer. There are also sites like Fuckbook and WebcamGirls in his history, does this mean he has been on these sites? He says he just gets pop ups from when he is on a porn site.

He hasn't asked about our children in the time he has been gone. He sent a couple of grovelling emails but nothing else. His parents dislike me, his mother will be pampering him and cooking for him (he hasn't been into work all week). He is basically having a little holiday while I am struggling with being heavily pregnant and 2 very young children alone.

I've kept busy and seen my friends, only confided in one of them. But today I suddenly feel as though that's it, he's gone now forever and probably won't be trying very hard to fix things between us in the future if the past 10 days are anything to go by. Why would he? He is now absolved of any parental responsibility and is surrounded by parents and siblings that are probably feeling very sorry for him. No one in his family has contacted me to ask if me and children are ok. I've got a long lonely week end stretched out ahead of me and I feel so sad and so alone.

OP posts:
HaveTeaWillSurvive · 29/08/2014 19:38

Flowers couldn't read and run Sad

Hopefully someone with more insight than me is posting as I type this

PrettyPictures92 · 29/08/2014 19:39

I'm so sorry hun, I've no advice or anything useful to offer apart from hugs. Do you have your own family around you that could provide a bit extra support right now?

Tbh he sounds like a shit partner and not a very great dad if he's not that interested in the kids. I hope it all works out for you Thanks

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 29/08/2014 19:39

Do you have anyone who can mind the other DC and give you time to rest / process?

IDismyname · 29/08/2014 19:40

I didn't want to read and run - and I know you'll have heaps of sane advice heading your way from the wise on MN - but what do you want...?

Do you want to be rid of him - or do you want him back?

I think (DCs and pregnancy aside) you need to work out what your plan is, and go from there.

However, that does not take into account how sad and lonely you feel. Are you able to contact your parents or more friends in RL. Sounds like you need support.

Chocolateteabag · 29/08/2014 19:43

Wanted to send you a big hug (very in mn I know!)
I have no advice other than to now just put yourself first and your Dc's a very close second. Do you have family close by who can help? Possibly just ignore DH for now and once DC3 is here , then address things?

Hopefully you will get some of the experienced mners posting soon with their excellent advice.

InAnotherLifetime · 29/08/2014 19:44

My parents and my sister is on the other side of the world. I do have some good friends but have seen all of them already this week! They are all just as busy holding down young children and jobs too so I couldn't really ask for childcare.

I feel angry that it's Friday night and he has made no contact with me to see our DC. They know it is Saturday tomorrow and are expecting him to be here in his bed when they wake up. Angry that I will have to explain that and cope with their sadness while he is served breakfast in bed probably by his doting mother!

OP posts:
InAnotherLifetime · 29/08/2014 19:47

I don't know what I want. Maybe we could make things work if he has proper treatment and truly overcomes these problems.

At the moment I can't think past the next few days, giving birth. Can I do that on my own without him there? I don't know how I feel. Just sad, sometimes angry like now.

OP posts:
WandaBenjamin · 29/08/2014 20:05

Poor you OP, that sounds awful.
Can you get a message to your family somehow? Any friends who could be with you at the birth? You need help and support, please don't feel bad asking for it.

jacks365 · 29/08/2014 20:08

Practicalities first do you have arrangements in place for your older dc when you go into labour?

Myself and my now ex husband separated while I was pregnant with our third you can do this alone if you have to. If anything once over the shock life was easier as he only added to the stress rather than help.

Thanks
MrsWinnibago · 29/08/2014 20:08

Oh my GOd. :(

Have the baby and go back home OP. Don't piss about waiting for him! The utter arse!

FiftyShadesOfGreen4205 · 29/08/2014 20:12

Can you go to your family after the birth? Can any of them come to you beforehand?

InAnotherLifetime · 29/08/2014 20:12

I have 2-3 people I can call to watch older DC when I go into labour.

I usually end up in theatre though. I'm scared. I'm also far from the hospital. I would need to be labouring in a taxi there on my own that alone fills me with dread.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2014 20:14

I agree MrsW, you feel like that now, but it will get better. It is good that he is gone, he'd sounds shit tbh, I would rather have nobody, than someone like that. Flowers and Brew for you

InAnotherLifetime · 29/08/2014 20:15

I'll probably manage after the birth. I can pay for a babysitter to help for a few days at home.

It's the birth itself I am worried about.

How can he sit at his parents and not even ask about seeing his children? He can his parents watch him behave like this? I think he must have told them I am standing in his way or something, but he hasn't even asked how they are.

OP posts:
InAnotherLifetime · 29/08/2014 20:15

It is less stressful without him here. The loneliness is hard to cope with though.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2014 20:16

If your on your own, if no friends are available to take you,call 999 if your labouring

jacks365 · 29/08/2014 20:16

Talk to your family and talk to your friends urgently, you need support even if it is just a friendly voice over the phone but people need to know what is happening. I know telling people makes it more real but right now you need their help and support.

Nevergrowingup · 29/08/2014 20:18

Are his addictions a secret? A secret from his family too?

You can't keep all of this in and feel that others are blaming you for his behaviour. What do you want? You know where you stand with him, perhaps its time for you to draw a line, start making your own rules so you can get through the next few weeks and your DCs can have some stability.

Have you investigated your legal options?

Don't expect his family to care, especially if you have never been flavour of the month. I do feel for you but MN will scoop you up and help get you into a place you can deal with this. Your DH is an addict, you cannot help him, but you can get things into order for yourself.

Nevergrowingup · 29/08/2014 20:21

His parents will just want their son to be telling the truth. They probably can't cope with the possibility that he has had something to do with the current situation.

I would expect many parents to send their child back to their DW and DCs. The fact that he is still with them says a lot. Don't rely on them for sympathy. Start to build your own network and tell people the truth. That way they can help you.

zzzzz · 29/08/2014 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InAnotherLifetime · 29/08/2014 20:25

His addictions are a secret. His family don't know and he hasn't told them. They are not the sort to ask questions, they will just support and be there for him and think the best of him/worst of me.

I haven't looked into legal/divorce. I can provide a home for us all (have an old property from before we were married) but I have no income as I look after the children at home. I could get by for a month or two maybe if he blocked our bank accounts.

What do I want? I am still reeling. I'm hormonal and about to have a baby. I can't make a decision, I can't face this right now. In my heart of hearts I don't think he will ever change, and he is surrounded by his family that will always tell him he is right so I'll never win.

OP posts:
InAnotherLifetime · 29/08/2014 20:27

His parents are in an extremely unhappy and emotionally, verbally abusive marriage, they are both alcoholics.

OP posts:
InAnotherLifetime · 29/08/2014 20:29

His mother will want her son back home with her so she is not left with her husband who she cannot stand.

His siblings are in their 30's and none have ever had a relationship, girlfriend or boyfriend. They all pretend they are a normal family.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 29/08/2014 20:31

He is being a complete shit. I know that is of no practical help to you, but he is. Sorry you are having to do it all on your own.

Are you in the UK or somewhere else?

I know your friends have been helping you out already this week, but I really think given your circumstances you can ask someone to go to the hospital with you. How about if you asked them each to be on 'duty' for one day at a time, so then whenever you go into labour, the person 'on' at that times goes with you?

Headagainstwall · 29/08/2014 20:32

Do you have any mutual friends you can confide in? It sounds like he needs a massive shake. If I knew you both I'd be round there like a shot, asking him what he's playing at at a time like this.