Need some support please. Baby due and my husband has left.

[InAnotherLifetime]

I don't know where to start. My husband has a cannabis addiction and an internet porn addiction. He has kept these well hidden from me. I have often felt something was up - he didn't seem 'present' in our lives. Here but not here if that makes any sense at all.

I could never put my finger on it. He holds down a successful career in a well respected field. He appears as a happy functioning and responsible adult but he is so far from that. We never had a good/regular sex life but we both out that down to tiredness.

So here I am, about to give birth to our 3rd child, and he has been gone for 10 days. Staying at his mum and dad's after we had an almighty row.

I found his internet history and then looked through his emails/phone records after seeing the things I saw in the history. He downloads porn every night, and has made calls to a drug dealer for at least the past couple of years maybe longer. There are also sites like Fuckbook and WebcamGirls in his history, does this mean he has been on these sites? He says he just gets pop ups from when he is on a porn site.

He hasn't asked about our children in the time he has been gone. He sent a couple of grovelling emails but nothing else. His parents dislike me, his mother will be pampering him and cooking for him (he hasn't been into work all week). He is basically having a little holiday while I am struggling with being heavily pregnant and 2 very young children alone.

I've kept busy and seen my friends, only confided in one of them. But today I suddenly feel as though that's it, he's gone now forever and probably won't be trying very hard to fix things between us in the future if the past 10 days are anything to go by. Why would he? He is now absolved of any parental responsibility and is surrounded by parents and siblings that are probably feeling very sorry for him. No one in his family has contacted me to ask if me and children are ok. I've got a long lonely week end stretched out ahead of me and I feel so sad and so alone.

You need to check on your financial situation. Make sure you get money squirrelled away from him. You can manage the birth. You can manage the children. In fact, really, you've been carrying this waste of space for some time without realising it. Ok, he might be being doted on by mum and dad but that's going to wear thin on both sides pretty quickly. Bet when he realises that he can't do what he wants so easily and his mum expects him home because she's made beef wellington but he needs to get his fix things might go pear shaped. What is his dad like? Is it worth dropping the shite in it by phoning the dad in 'all innocence' so say that the subscription for whatever porn site name will cause the biggest eye brow raise is up and you've given the site their address likewise with his cannabis dealer.

Oh you poor thing, it must be so tough but but having read your posts he sounds like a complete waste of space and I'm sure that with some help from babysitters or friends you will get through it.

Big hugs to you, you are better off without him.

Oooooo. Just had a thought. Phone MIL and say that social services have advised that unless DH proves himself clean and addresses his porn addiction she and that side of the family cannot have access to grandchildren due to safeguarding issues. That should put the cat among the pigeons. But actually, if his addictions are that bad, should he be in charge of children?

You do need real life people now. I would phone your own family. I know they are a long way away but this isn't just 'nothing' you, and your chikdren need real people helping and supporting. If I was your mother, I'd be on that plane.

Oh dear op! What an awful mess! Was the row to do with what you found out? Its very inconsiderate for him to have left knowing you are pregnant. You need to stay strong for your DCs. for you op

So having him involved at the moment is not an option nor is there any point trying to talk to him. He's basically a man child. His family are all playing head in the sand and that seems to be normal for them.

So, hard as it may seem, focus on what you need for now. It may be that you have to take advice from a lawyer to ensure some income for the next few months. Do consider that so you have one less worry.

Seriously consider getting your family over to be with you. Please tell them the truth, tell everyone the truth. At this stage, its a secret you don't need to keep any more. People will be understanding and will help. Don't cover for him.

And perhaps get your thread put in 'Relationships'? You'll get superb advice there.

Can I suggest also that you tell your midwife what has happened.

You poor thing, talk to your midwife, rope in friends to get through birth and the immediate aftermath.
You say it is easier without him around. I'd certainly be thinking carefully whether you want him back. If not, I'd work quickly to be rid of him.

Firstly, so sorry you're in this horrible situation.
Has this ever happened before? Is the argument resolvable?

I think his parents need some home truths whether they like it or not, you, your dc and unborn baby deserve better than this.

How old are your dc?

Maybe your not so dh will re-surface when the new baby arrives.
Unfortunately, there is probably much more going on than you can handle at the moment, addiction can change people's personalities so much.

Only deal with one day at a time, you sound like such a strong woman even though you probably don't feel it.
Hugs to you, I don't care if it's frowned upon:)

Have you told your mum? Finances etc allowing im sure she would br on the first plane if you tolf her how frightened you are.

Good lord, you poor thing and what a shocker of a 'd'h. Can I suggest you also post this in relationships, there are some amazing people over there who always know the right thing to say and are great with practical advice.

Best wishes to you and good lick with the baby. You are worth 20 of him!

One thing to consider is whether you will tell him you have gone in to labour. Do you want him there? He might surprise you by suddenly showing up.

I personally think birthing alone is an option and I think I would prefer that than having a friend there. If you do have no birth partner the hospital staff may be more supportive.

Do you love him?

They're 7 and 5. They know something is wrong. That's what I am so angry and upset about, that they are suffering and I am seeing them upset.

I can imagine you are feeling overwhelmed right now. I went through a large life upheaval a few years back and my family were also on the other side of the world.

I didn't know where to begin but a friend gave me some excellent advice. All the things that are concerns/worries to you right now, big AND small - write them down. Then look at your list and think of a possible actions you can take for each individual concern (don't worry if you can't for every item) and write down an action idea for as many as you can. Somehow it helped calm me down and feel that I could start to get a handle on my situation, no matter how small and minor my action plan was. You aren't going to get through this overnight, but for me, having an idea of where things stood and what I could perhaps do got me started with the coping process and helped me sleep at night. Of course this won't help as much with your emotional hurt but I hope this helps a little.

I don't know if I love him, thoughts all so clouded at the moment.

I may buckle and call him when my labour gets difficult, I don't cope well in labour. I don't think I'm strong enough to do it alone.

Just a thought and probably not workable, but would it be easier to go for a CS? That way it can be booked and you can arrange all the support you will need in advance.

I would also withdraw a sizeable amount of money from any joint accounts!

How old are your 2 DC? Are the old enough to be able to do the basics for themselves?

It will be difficult but I am sure you will be okay, definitely better off without your useless 'D'H!

And I know this sounds silly in the circumstances but I don't want this baby to grow up and learn she is the only one who didn't have her dad present at her birth.

First thing, I think you need to confide in your RL friends, OP. I have every faith they will rally around when they know what's actually going on.

Secondly (or perhaps firstly!) think about the bank accounts. Is it possible to transfer money from any joint accounts into your personal one? (I'm not an expert- hopefully someone who is will come along).

I guess then you have to have a think about whether you really want him to come back. If you don't, then your first stop should be one of those free half hour appts with a solicitor, to see where you stand. Regarding money, have a look at www.entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits your family would be entitled to- you won't be left penniless, you should get enough to survive on.

How far away are you from your due date?

And I second asking for this thread to be moved to "Relationships"- lots of experts there.

We're a little bit hand to mouth with our money at the moment so no large amounts for me to withdraw! I have enough friends around to know we wouldn't go hungry. If he stopped paying mortgage? This home is only in his name so he would just lose his own property.

Also didn't want to read and run. Nothing to add except that I'm sending you lots of hugs

I'm in the UK. Have asked for this to be moved to relationships too.

Please call your family. See if they can come over when your due. You can't go through this alone. I would also confide in one or two more friends in team life. Someone might offer to come to hospital with you. Strength honey. I'm be thinking/sending you prayers/thoughts/vibes x

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am no expert and suggest that you get this moved to relationships. But, my advice to you is:

(1) This is hard but take the focus off 'him'. He has fucked up and right now you need to focus on the real priorities; you, your baby and your DCs.

(2) Speak to your family.

(3) This is really important. It is going to be hard but you absolutely must confide in your friends. I have just had a baby and the support i received from friends was overwhelming. The first few days/weeks of having your baby are going to be tough with 2 DC's, particularly with school runs etc - could your friends help out with this? You are going to be knackered with night feeding etc.

Please just talk to your friends - even if they each do a small thing to help you then it will all add up to give you a massive support network.

Good luck

Ouch and ouch again. Another round of hugs from me.

Try not to think to far beyond whats currently in your control. Lots on your plate (obviously) and sometimes its best just to deal with those things that are both urgent and important/ top of the to do list.

If you're not currently being adequately supported by him/ he's moved out then you need to register for benefits. I think you can phone on any day and payments are dated from when you register your claim.

Do you like your midwife? They along with health visitors can be fantastic at dark times like this. They're in the system and can potentially help get you some home support via social services (who aren't the devil incarnate they're really able to help).

Regarding the house if you feel upto a form filling in exercise registering home rights is free and would appear, in my non legal interpretation relevant to your situation.

I've received so much support on these boards over the years and i'm sure that the support you'll receive will help you work through this too.

Wishing you every bit of strength to get through this and to be able to enjoy the arrival of your DC3.

I have small children, a job and a new baby. If one of my friends was going through what you are I would absolutely want to know, and would do everything I could to help. Please speak to your friends. You're not a burden. People will want to help you.

Be strong, you will get through this. Good luck.

This is something that you can get through

Get an appointment with your Dr / midwife and tell them everything.

Find out what solicitors there are in your area and see if you can get a free 1/2 hour with a family law solicitor on Monday or early nextweek.

Don't worry about the birth, or the fact that your 3rd child won't have their father at their birth - that's not your fault or the child's - its the father's sole responsibility.

This is not your fault. Don't blame yourself.