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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Need some support please. Baby due and my husband has left.

66 replies

InAnotherLifetime · 29/08/2014 19:36

I don't know where to start. My husband has a cannabis addiction and an internet porn addiction. He has kept these well hidden from me. I have often felt something was up - he didn't seem 'present' in our lives. Here but not here if that makes any sense at all.

I could never put my finger on it. He holds down a successful career in a well respected field. He appears as a happy functioning and responsible adult but he is so far from that. We never had a good/regular sex life but we both out that down to tiredness.

So here I am, about to give birth to our 3rd child, and he has been gone for 10 days. Staying at his mum and dad's after we had an almighty row.

I found his internet history and then looked through his emails/phone records after seeing the things I saw in the history. He downloads porn every night, and has made calls to a drug dealer for at least the past couple of years maybe longer. There are also sites like Fuckbook and WebcamGirls in his history, does this mean he has been on these sites? He says he just gets pop ups from when he is on a porn site.

He hasn't asked about our children in the time he has been gone. He sent a couple of grovelling emails but nothing else. His parents dislike me, his mother will be pampering him and cooking for him (he hasn't been into work all week). He is basically having a little holiday while I am struggling with being heavily pregnant and 2 very young children alone.

I've kept busy and seen my friends, only confided in one of them. But today I suddenly feel as though that's it, he's gone now forever and probably won't be trying very hard to fix things between us in the future if the past 10 days are anything to go by. Why would he? He is now absolved of any parental responsibility and is surrounded by parents and siblings that are probably feeling very sorry for him. No one in his family has contacted me to ask if me and children are ok. I've got a long lonely week end stretched out ahead of me and I feel so sad and so alone.

OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 29/08/2014 21:54

Whatever is going on in his head, the most important people in your life at the moment are your DCs, yourself and your newbie.

Please confide in people who can help you. Don't cover for your DH, its not about him any more. Its about getting you through the next few weeks and beyond. The midwives/health professionals will have seen it all before so don't feel that you are burdening them. Often, they will be able to access hep for you - discreetly - which will give you the support you need.

I am in no doubt that you will come out the other side of this but at the moment you can't see a way through it. Don't think too far ahead. Plan for tomorrow and perhaps one thing you can achieve. Small steps at the moment.

And do tell your family. They will want to know. Get it all out there so you can start to find a way through all of this.

MarthasHarbour · 29/08/2014 21:55

I have small children, a job and a new baby. If one of my friends was going through what you are I would absolutely want to know, and would do everything I could to help. Please speak to your friends. You're not a burden. People will want to help you.

^^ this - a million times over

Flowers
Nevergrowingup · 29/08/2014 21:57

Agree with Matha Smile

LapsedTwentysomething · 29/08/2014 21:57

Sympathy OP. What a shit situation.

My only suggestion is that you begin divorce proceedings citing unreasonable begaviour given the evidence you've got. Can you prove that the number he's been calling is that of a drug dealer though? At least if you divorce he is forced to continue to provide.

Idontseeanysontarans · 29/08/2014 22:02

Oh love you poor thing x
Can only echo what everyone else has said but I can add a little reassurance wrt birthing without a partner because for different reasons I did with our second and it went fine. Just me and the midwives in a little bubble and nobody else to worry about!
Get through the birth, call on everyone near you who care about you and your children, deal with him and that particular bridge when you have to Thanks

callipygian00 · 29/08/2014 22:03

Flowers to you OP, please keep your chin up. You sound like you are much better off without him. Skype your family if you haven't already, I find it so much better than talking over the phone, doesn't seem like they are so far away and you can have a better conversation. I agree with PP, if one of my RL friends was in your situation I'd do everything I could to help them, so don't feel bad about asking them for help. Best of luck to you, just concentrate on yourself and DC's - your husband can look after himself.

Ilovexmastime · 29/08/2014 22:10

Nothing to add really, other than me and DH are thiinking of you Thanks

grumpychops1 · 29/08/2014 22:13

Sorry to hear you're having a crap time.
My ex did this, I was 8 months pregnant and some slapped was ringing him throughout the night whilst we were sleeping askin would he pick her up from a christening? I text her back pretending to e him and it all unfolded! He's been seeing her for a few months, met her kids, told her he loved her and was planning on moving in with her.
The fool that I am begged him not to leave, we had a mortgage and two other dc and it was something I couldn't face alone. 6 years later I hate him for it, not for the fact he was gonna leave for her or that he cheated, the fact he was going to leave his family, whilst I was carrying his child. I could never forgive or forget.
I left last year. It still upsets me now thinking about it.
I wish I could advise you better but ultimately it's a big choice.

EllenMumsnet · 29/08/2014 22:14

Evening all. First of all, so sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time OP Sad Hope that the support you're getting online is helping this evening, but please do get some help from family and friends in RL. As you've requested, we're shortly going to move this thread over to Relationships.

Thanks to all the lovely MNers who have offered support and advice Flowers.

InAnotherLifetime · 29/08/2014 22:19

Thank you all for the support. I'll reply a little more in the morning but I'm going to get some sleep now, feeling a bit calmer having read all your lovely posts.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 29/08/2014 22:28

Op, really, don't worry about your child being the only one without the father present at the birth!!! I have 3, none had even asked, and the father was not present at any! Don't give yourself problems. Really, who will care ?

sonjadog · 29/08/2014 22:32

Definitely tell your friends. Don't worry about asking too much of them. If I had a friend in your situation I would most definitely want to know about it and I would help out with whatever she needed.

Nevergrowingup · 29/08/2014 22:36

Most important thing. You're not alone and you will come out of the other side of this. For now, look after yourself and lean on the people who can help.

You're not alone. x

Charley50 · 29/08/2014 22:45

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread yet but why don't you drop HIS kids off with him for the weekend. Just turn up, rung doorbell, say kids are here, and go. They are his kids he should be looking after them. I am so sick of men who just walk out of their lives, always leaving a woman to hold everything together. Let him look after his kids for the weekend while you look after yourself. Oh and tell him to get then ready for the new term cuz they are his kids, not just yours.

CookieDoughKid · 30/08/2014 05:37

I know it's really really hard, but I would think about life without your dh now. You've had a very lucky escape from him and his dysfunctional family. He's a fuckwit and the rest of them. Is it any surprise he is like that given his deluded family?

We are here for you. When in a few months time you are in a routine, you can then think about long term plans. He is not your friend at the moment, do not rely on him. You can do this. You are very strong!!

Bellabutterfly2014 · 30/08/2014 05:44

What a terrible situation, my friend had a very similar situation and she was pregnant too. She ended her marriage and had the opinion that she'd be better managing on her own than being permanently let down. You and your children deserve better. X

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