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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can you tell when someone you meet is a narcissist?

85 replies

lottieandmia · 29/08/2014 09:47

I've been doing online dating. One person in particular I got a gut feeling there is something 'wrong'

It made me think that perhaps online dating is a place where you find people like this because nobody there has first hand experience of them.

I was just wondering whether the more experienced here know what the red flags to look for are?

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 01/09/2014 08:14

I would report him to the dating site as well about the other account, he's probably doing exactly the same thing to a whole string of women.

wigglylines · 01/09/2014 08:49

I got stuck in a relationship with a manipulator and who didn't accept me saying i wasn't interested as reason to leave me alone. I was reluctant to call the police. But actually that's what the police are there for. I did call them in the end and wished i had earlier.
I have no experience of narcs, but if he is making you uneasy and not leaving you alone, you need to

Tell him to stop contacting you or you will contact the police to complain about harassment.
Tell the online dating website about his hidden profile, and hid behaviour, and demand they block him from you
Or remove yourself from that website for a while. He may well make new profiles to stalk you if that's his game anyway.
Log all contact you've already had from him, since you told him you weren't interested
Contact the police as soon as he contacts you again. Do not engage with him.

There is no shame in going to the police. This is of his making, not yours.

brokenhearted55a · 01/09/2014 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TiggyD · 01/09/2014 09:21

Enough about narcissists. Let's talk about me for a while!

Original poster

lottieandmia · 01/09/2014 10:03

Thanks for your responses. Various things now make sense - trying to coerce me to go to swingers clubs and pimp me out to his friends etc. luckily he doesn't live in my town. I have managed to install a programme on my phone which will allow me to block. Hopefully he'll move on but if not I'll contact the police.

OP posts:

Meerka · 01/09/2014 11:11

............. wha?????? pimp you out???

Original poster

lottieandmia · 01/09/2014 14:18

Yes, I have not actually seen him many times. When I first spoke to him I had no idea of the strange ideas he had that he wanted me to do. He started off talking to me about shared interests we supposedly had. He has an obsessive idea about me having sex with him in front of other people and kept asking if I could go to a swingers club with him. Then he started pushing the idea that I could have sex with a friend of his while he watched. He tried to trick me into meeting with and taking to this person. And he also tried to get me to agree to having sex with him and a prostitute. Not typical at all.

OP posts:

MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/09/2014 14:49

Well the more you share about him the more disturbing he sounds.

I'm a bit worried that you didn't feel confident in yourself to add up this behaviour and see the man is foul. I wonder if you need to work on your boundaries and also your evil bastard radar too. I say that as someone who needs to do both of these things so am not criticizing, or laying blame. Definitely nothing to do with you, this mans weird behaviour. But you need to get protective of yourself quicker and not be afriad of being impolite/ breaking out of the normal patterns of interaction.

He's not going to make it ok for you to do this, so you need to make it ok for you.

Good luck OP, and don't be afraid of using extreme measures, like police, please be reassured this is indeed an extreme situation.

Original poster

lottieandmia · 01/09/2014 14:54

No, you are absolutely right. My boundaries used to be even worse and I allowed myself to be in situations where I didn't tell people to stop. I will now be clear about what I don't want and say 'no'. But yes I still need more work on screening people clearly.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 01/09/2014 19:51

You will need to be able to tell the police when you go to them that you have clearly told him never to ever contact you again.

The point where they consider when they consider further contact to be harassment is the day you send that explicit message to him.

They will look at the record you have of all his previous contact and will see that you are completely reasonable in telling him no more contact. But it is only harassment from the point where you tell him straight up to stop contacting you.

So you really, really need to tell him unambiguously that you want no further contact whatsoever, by any means.

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