How can you tell when someone you meet is a narcissist?

[lottieandmia]

I've been doing online dating. One person in particular I got a gut feeling there is something 'wrong'

It made me think that perhaps online dating is a place where you find people like this because nobody there has first hand experience of them.

I was just wondering whether the more experienced here know what the red flags to look for are?

hrm. yep, he's creepy and intrusive.

I reallly think you need to log everything, including this incident. Tell him to back the hell off and if he carries on at all, contact the police.

You need to be a psychologist or psychiatrist to make a diagnosis. Stop reading so much online and trying to attach labels.

I'm not trying to attach labels. In a way, the 'label' if there is one, is irrelevant. However, this person has something 'other' about him. When you've been taken in by someone like that it's natural to want to know what has happened.

People are always taking about NPD in their familIes. It's probably easier to come to terms with if you know the person probably has a reason for being how they are.

well OP to answer your question: you don't know if someone is a narc. That diagnosis would be carried out by a professional.

If he is doing things that you don't like and it doesn't feel right, walk away. A relationship either through OD or any other means is not compulsory.

I know, but I'm trying to learn for next time. As someone can seem lovely and then you can find out they're not.

That's life.

You can't expect to go around with a tick list of narcs, or whatever.

Narcissism is a scale- most people have some elements of it .

I disagree. I think most people empathise with others.

Who said that narcs don't empathise?

Pinkfrocks - why do you have an issue with me asking this question? Obviously I know that only a psychiatrist can diagnose NPD but I was interested to hear from people who have had direct experience.

A lack of empathy is one of the defining characteristics.

I have an issue with it because I think it's a silly question. Okay?

I would be surprised if there is one poster here who has a partner who has a professional assessment of the condition.

Why try to put a label on a guy? Either he treats you well an you like him, or he doesn't.

If you think he is odd, move on.

i think you've got good instincts atm lottie, to notice the red flags and pay attention to them. Maybe if you want to refine the process, keep an eye for them earlier now you have this experience.

There's a few great posts with lists of red flags on Relationships though I can't link them atm. Maybe even google signs of abusive men, this was the top of the list when I did just that here though doesn't mention the one you clearly picked up for yourself - the boundaries issue.

Other possible hints:

Watch how they treat people of no importance to them, the waitress test.

Observe their effects on other people. Are the people close to him happier for knowing him or does he drag them down / put them down.

Do your friends like him? If so why? Some charmers can be rotten through and through but if your friends don't like him from the start (and they're decent themselves) ... bad sign. Does he try to isolate you from friends / family? usually a very bad sign. There are shining exceptions to that though.

And finally ... there's a few that you just won't be able to detect. If some people can take in experienced police officers and psychologists, well, they're damn good. But most men that it doesn't work out with, well it'll just be that they and you aren't clicking for one reason or another. Not that they're sinister. Suspect that with on line dating you get a lot just wanting to get laid, but there's enough stories of couples really getting together that there's some good guys out there =)

Pinkfrocks - I did not mean to offend anyone and you sound a bit aggressive. I don't think there is any need.

Yes, I've been around long enough to know a player, a man who is selfish etc. but this one just had something other about him....

ahem, pinkfrocks actually people with NPD do tend to have trouble empathising DSM diagnositics

Having said that, narcissistic PD is confused a lot of the time with selfish manipulative people and it's not helpful at all. Mainly because it's overlooking the fact that some people are just selfish manipulative bastards and there's nothing wrong as such with them. Also because it cheapens the genuine diagnosis. Also because it's used so perjoratively.

i think if you could diagnose from a gut feeling from a date or two then youd be a better psychiatrist than many.
A narcissist isnt some evil being and if someone turns out to be one then deal with it then

Where did I say they were evil?!

Actually for various reasons, I'm the last person to judge someone for having a condition that isn't their fault. But I do want to avoid people like this because I've had enough stress in my life already, and because I tend to want to give people the benefit of the doubt even when they have done things I specifically asked them not to.

its a lovely trait, lottie, to want to give them the benefit of the doubt. But when it comes to on line dates who ignore your boundaries, cutting em off sooner rather than later might be better. But you probably know that better than me, I met my husband on line but thru a mutual hobby without any thought of dating =)

I think it's really useful to be able to distinguish between a narcissist and a common or garden jerk.

The compelling reason to know exactly what you are dealing with is that you are trying to dump him. Dumping the average jerk is far more straightforward than casting off a narcissist because a narcissist is above all else a manipulator and very tuned in to you, and will try hard to keep your attention. They are also very invested in the idea that nobody is going to leave them -- they are going to leave you. You need to be able to anticipate his moves and be prepared, and you need to be prepared for the pure irrationality involved.

Thank you mathanxiety - you have articulated the situation exactly and better than I could.

I've already tried 'I'm sorry but this isn't working for me, good luck' etc. and I then get 40 missed calls. He wants to be in control of what pans out between us. Most people would jus say 'ok' and move on. In fact others have!

Hm, if you've tried that then it really is time to say 'any more contact and I'll involve the police, i want NOTHING more to do with you as I've told you very clearly before".

40 missed calls is well into Weird territory.

I really would send one last message then contact the police, lottie

And keep all texts you still have, and keep any more that come your way. Or attempted calls etc.

I agree with Meerka. Give him a warning and then follow through with it. And yyy to keeping records.