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Original poster

How can you tell when someone you meet is a narcissist?

85 replies

lottieandmia · 29/08/2014 09:47

I've been doing online dating. One person in particular I got a gut feeling there is something 'wrong'

It made me think that perhaps online dating is a place where you find people like this because nobody there has first hand experience of them.

I was just wondering whether the more experienced here know what the red flags to look for are?

OP posts:
Meerka · 29/08/2014 17:07

  1. Chase him like hell. Ring him twice in the night; turn up at his work with flowers; talk about marriage and when you can move in. Scare the fuck out of him.

  2. Bore him. Safest, if annoying for the ego. Let him dump you.

  3. Act increasingly irrational.

  4. The honest way, say it's not working for you. But then he'll probably chase you. Games players are a bloody nightmare.

And you're quite right, this guy is chequered with red flags.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 29/08/2014 17:32

I've tried telling him I don't want to see him again and he blows my phone up. He says he can't stand the thought that I won't talk to him any more. This is definitely not because of any deep feelings he has for me.

He will phone me from work (he's a doctor) it's weird.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 29/08/2014 18:10

He's certainly showing a lot of red flags and walking all over your boundaries whether he's a narc or not! (And I would also suspect narc but of course you can't "diagnose" from anecdotes). Ignore him. Don't get into playing any games. If you can hint at another man on the scene that might chase him off, but even that's a bit game player-y.

Time to stop the reasonable person dance - tell him straight "Stop contacting me". If he still tries, "Call me again and I will contact the police". And do it - it's harassment.

The middle of the night calling is the kind of thing I meant by "intense and possessive".

In fact he's already sexually assaulted you. He could lose his job over that. This is really not a nice man :(

Meerka · 29/08/2014 18:16

playing games is a shoddy trick with most people. But this guy is a bit of a nightmare. For practical shedding-the-shit effectiveness, chasing him like hell might work better with least hassle.

Having to contact the police is a step most people don't want to take. Although it might actually be best in one way, teaching this guy that there really are objective limits.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 29/08/2014 18:19

Thanks Bertie. Although he charmed me at first, I've really gone off him and don't want to see him at all but getting rid of him is hard.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 29/08/2014 19:30

I disagree, I think game playing is foolish and might be dangerous/backfire. Especially the first one! It wasn't a moral issue I had with it.

Don't try to out narc a narc! It doesn't end well. Calm, cool, detached. Absolute best way.

BertieBotts · 29/08/2014 19:32

The only "game" I would consider playing, if you can call it that, is to play to anything or person that he considers authority. So for example if you have any male friends who are bigger and more thuggish looking than him, or even just a brother or dad, that sometimes works to just have them hanging around. It's gross because it plays into the "women as property" belief but it does quite often work to scare a persistent arse off.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 29/08/2014 19:35

Thanks Bertie. I agree, I'm not going to play any games. To be honest I'm a bit scared of him.

OP posts:
Meerka · 29/08/2014 19:42

:( good luck, Lottie. Straighforwardness is a much more honest way of dealing with it anyway.

best of luck, the things you described of him are pretty unpleasant. Well out of it.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 29/08/2014 19:44

Thanks. Meerka. I've not come across anyone like him ever before. It has been a very unsettling experience. This was online dating too.

OP posts:
Egghead68 · 30/08/2014 05:49

You need to completely isnore him. Narcs cannot stand being ignored. Move on.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/08/2014 12:23

If I just ignore him do you think he will give up and not cause me any more hassle?

Interestingly he did say;

'What worries me is that I might phone you one day and you decide to completely ignore me'

Often I do ignore but he ups the ante. I feel for anyone who is actually in a relationship with someone like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/08/2014 12:24

Because of course, most people would not be bothered at this stage if someone ignored them.

OP posts:
Meerka · 30/08/2014 12:30

In the end he'll ignore you, but there might be a crest of attention-seeking behaviour.

If you really think he'll haunt you, then you need to tell him clearly and unequivocally that you no longer want to see him. That bluntly, which I suspect won't come easily.

With any luck, he'll respect that.

Unfortunately from what you say of him not respecting boundaries, he may not. If he doesn't, log every incident. Every phone call, every text, every time he turns up. Every bunch of flowers. Log them, because worst case you will have to go to the police. Call 101, non emergency line, and tell them you are being harassed at that point.

Again with any luck, none of that will be necessary, he'll back off.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/08/2014 13:05

Thanks Meerka

OP posts:
Meerka · 30/08/2014 15:25

The telling him clearly and unequivocally that you no longer want to see him and want no further contact is that if you do have to go to the police as a non-emergency case, then they need to know that you've told him to buzz off clearly.

Egghead68 · 30/08/2014 15:26

What Meerka said.

MewlingQuim · 30/08/2014 15:44

Sounds like my ex.

Dont play games, it could turn nasty.

MewlingQuim · 30/08/2014 15:46

also what meerka said.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/08/2014 18:09

Yes I'm a bit scared of him. He keeps sending me messages noting when I was online.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/08/2014 18:13

How long were you with your ex mewlingquim and how did you get away? This person I have not known for very long.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 30/08/2014 19:32

Block him online, and it might be worth blocking his number as well if your carrier lets you do that.

He will do a sobstory thing about how upset he is, how he thought you were so special, he might threaten suicide. Try to keep this in perspective as him throwing a tantrum and don't worry about him.

If you are worried it might be an idea to phone your local police station on 101 or the geographical number and saying hi, I've met this bloke and he's being a bit odd, I've tried to give him the boot and he's not really getting the message, I'm going to tell him it's really over tonight but do you have any advice? He's being a bit stalkery.

Although as Meerka says, it might be better to tell him first and then if he's still being a pain then phone them and ask. If you phone do tell them that you're scared.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/08/2014 19:54

He has an account that I don't know what it is, that I can't 'see'

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 30/08/2014 20:11

God that's creepy! Is that on the dating site or on facebook?

Original poster
lottieandmia · 30/08/2014 20:20

The dating site. He says 'oh I see you've changed x' even though his profile has actually been deleted.

OP posts:
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