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Help me word a text to toxic mother please (long)

64 replies

Buckmusted · 27/08/2014 14:23

About 18 months ago I went NC with my sister because she did something that really upset me, and after several attempts to talk to her and her completely ignoring me, I realised she didn't really care. And then I stopped caring too.

Our mother has always blatantly favoured my sister (though strongly denied it when challenged). Both of us have disabilities but mine never gets mentioned, while mother bangs on about sister's health all the time. They've always had a good relationship. Me and mother: not so much. I was frequently neglected as a child, and abandoned by her, left to be brought up by someone else. She scared me as she was strict and very outspoken. I still saw her 2 or 3 times a year and loved it because I missed her very much. I know that sounds odd, but I was a kid and she was my mum.

She came to live nearby a few years ago and I see her frequently now. But after the novelty of her being near wore off, I realised how emotionally abusive she was. She also lies, manipulates people and is rude and offensive. It was like a veil had been lifted. I went through a period of grieving for the mum I'd always wanted but never had and it was a painful time. I confronted her about some things, but she turned them back on to me, made them my fault.

I had counselling and ADs which were both massively helpful. Eventually I started being able to see her as 'someone I know' rather than 'my mum' and was able to cope better with her visits and sometimes even had a laugh with her.

Last week we had a falling-out. She passed me an envelope containing a birthday card, from my sister. I jokingly asked if it had an apology in it and she went mad. For the first time in my life, I shouted her down and told her some home truths, flung the unopened envelope down then I stormed out and went home. I was absolutely shaking with rage, but later on I felt very calm, like "we're done, that's it".

She sent me a text asking if we can talk when she gets back from a few days away (pre-planned trip, nothing to do with our falling out) and I don't know how to respond.

What I want is to never speak to her or see her again. But do I put that in a text and send it? I thought about saying "It's become apparent that I have some deep issues with you and I need to keep my distance for a while".

Does that sound OK, or do you have some better responses or words of advice?

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Joysmum · 04/09/2014 09:23

It is not up to you to block her number from your daughters phone if your daughter still wants a relationship with her.

I disagree with all the others on here, I believe it's up to you to contact your mum, letter is best, stating that you've come to the conclusion that your relationship bring far more negatives than it does positives and you won't be bothering in future. Also warn that her relationship with your daughter should just be able them and that if she tries to bring your daughter into this she risks losing her too.

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QueenofallIsee · 04/09/2014 11:19

I am kind of with Joysmum, I think that you should be making a clear statement to your Mum that you expect her to respect your wishes to be left in peace. I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but it sounds as though you have decided to cut her out but she is imagining that you are having a strop and will be getting over it any minute now. So she needs to know that you are serious

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Buckmusted · 04/09/2014 16:44

Joysmum I agree it's not up to me to block her on my DD's phone.

Meerka Yes it's difficult, but thanks to all of you lots' responses on here, I was able to sit my DD down today and have a good long chat about it all.

==

I'm finding it so difficult today. DD seemed to understand completely where I was coming from, and says she doesn;t particularly care about her grandmother but that she thinks it would be too weird not to have her in her life. DD has not replied to the text she received and isn't going to.

So many of you are telling me I shouldn't text my mother and I completely understand why - it will further engage her, which is not what I want. It will give her ammunition to be used against me.

However, there isn't really anyone I can think of that she could talk to about me behind my back, that would bother me. The only one that would upset me is my DD, but DD's been quite clear that she will always be on 'my side'. Also, I have blocked her numbers on my phone, so she cannot call or text me.

I'm leaning towards thinking maybe I should text her one last time to show her in no uncertain terms how the land lies. Maybe something like:
"My phone isn't broken; I just didn't want to reply to your texts. Don't talk/text about me to DD unless you want to risk your relationship with her as well. I've blocked your number on my phone. Please don't contact me again."

Opinions/thoughts?

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Katedaniels · 04/09/2014 18:00

I told my mother that I thought we should 'have a break from each other!' What she heard was;

I need to go away and work on my issues so I stop blaming you!'

It's been nearly 3 years now. I have no intention of ever having contact with her again.

It's all that bit easier for me because I live far away from her, but actually the fact that she decided to take what I said that way really helped because she then didn't try and justify anything to me.

I don't know if that's at all helpful, but it worked for me and made it clear I didn't want contact.

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Worryworker · 04/09/2014 21:25

I can really relate to your predicament and constantly have to remind myself that I am not the one with the problem. My dm sounds similar to yours in that she readily blames others for things that have gone wrong/the many cock-ups she's made in her life. I have written her a letter and confronted her face to face only to be left feeling more frustrated as she continues to play victim, pass the blame and completely dismiss my feelings.

I recently text my mum to say I needed nmc for a while to work things out in my head. She didn't respond to this but used opportunity recently when I was physically unwell, to visit, bring flowers and to me, act as though everything before hadn't happened! She's now trying to ring me again but I have not answered any more calls as I still feel I need the nc. I started psychotherapy this wk too- highly recommend it in helping you make sense of and begin to consider how you move forward in your relationship with your mum. It's so bloody confusing and distressing isn't it? Wish I had a 'normal' mother!

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Worryworker · 04/09/2014 21:26

*nc not nmc!

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Meerka · 04/09/2014 22:16

As I said, I do think a letter is better but a text could do it ... as long as you block her immediately. That one final communicatoin is a good idea simply to make the situation clear.

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Aussiebean · 05/09/2014 06:46

You may want to tell your daughter that yes it is weird not to have a grandmother or mother in your life. Considering she is a teenager and it is hard when they think they are different. Plus, she might gets the .. But she is your grandmother .. Thing

That yes, it certain feels like everyone else has them in their lives and it is different/weird to make the decision not to have them in their lives (not for them to be deceaed instead)

But every family is unique and different, you never know what happens behind closed doors and that it's ok to decide to let those relationships go.

That may not be the case for your daughter but teenagers are funny sometimes.

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Buckmusted · 05/09/2014 10:53

Right I've done it.

I have just now sent a text saying "I didn't reply because I think you and I need some space. I'd like you not to bring (DD) into this. I'll call you when I'm ready to talk."

I don't intend to ever call.

Her number is already on my auto-reject list so she can't call me. It's meant to be able to stop texts getting through too, but I've just tested it out with my DD and her texts did come through still. So that's a shame but at least she can't call.

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Buckmusted · 05/09/2014 10:57

Worryworker yes our mothers do sound similar. I've had brilliant therapy in the past, although that was more for other issues. Good luck with yours, it can be difficult at times. I might self-refer myself back in at some point but I'll see how I go for a while, I think.

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Buckmusted · 05/09/2014 10:58

Now sitting here with that nervous butterflies feeling in my stomach in case she texts back. I'm actually really scared. I hope she takes the hint and doesn't respond.

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