Help me word a text to toxic mother please (long)

[Buckmusted]

About 18 months ago I went NC with my sister because she did something that really upset me, and after several attempts to talk to her and her completely ignoring me, I realised she didn't really care. And then I stopped caring too.

Our mother has always blatantly favoured my sister (though strongly denied it when challenged). Both of us have disabilities but mine never gets mentioned, while mother bangs on about sister's health all the time. They've always had a good relationship. Me and mother: not so much. I was frequently neglected as a child, and abandoned by her, left to be brought up by someone else. She scared me as she was strict and very outspoken. I still saw her 2 or 3 times a year and loved it because I missed her very much. I know that sounds odd, but I was a kid and she was my mum.

She came to live nearby a few years ago and I see her frequently now. But after the novelty of her being near wore off, I realised how emotionally abusive she was. She also lies, manipulates people and is rude and offensive. It was like a veil had been lifted. I went through a period of grieving for the mum I'd always wanted but never had and it was a painful time. I confronted her about some things, but she turned them back on to me, made them my fault.

I had counselling and ADs which were both massively helpful. Eventually I started being able to see her as 'someone I know' rather than 'my mum' and was able to cope better with her visits and sometimes even had a laugh with her.

Last week we had a falling-out. She passed me an envelope containing a birthday card, from my sister. I jokingly asked if it had an apology in it and she went mad. For the first time in my life, I shouted her down and told her some home truths, flung the unopened envelope down then I stormed out and went home. I was absolutely shaking with rage, but later on I felt very calm, like "we're done, that's it".

She sent me a text asking if we can talk when she gets back from a few days away (pre-planned trip, nothing to do with our falling out) and I don't know how to respond.

What I want is to never speak to her or see her again. But do I put that in a text and send it? I thought about saying "It's become apparent that I have some deep issues with you and I need to keep my distance for a while".

Does that sound OK, or do you have some better responses or words of advice?

[Buckmusted]

I will. Thanks Aussiebean

[Aussiebean]

Oh. And wherever you go to treat yourself. Leave the phone behind.

[Aussiebean]

Go and treat yourself to something nice and distract yourself.

She is not worth anymore of your energy.

I know it's hard but worth a shot.

[Buckmusted]

Now sitting here with that nervous butterflies feeling in my stomach in case she texts back. I'm actually really scared. I hope she takes the hint and doesn't respond.

[Buckmusted]

Worryworker yes our mothers do sound similar. I've had brilliant therapy in the past, although that was more for other issues. Good luck with yours, it can be difficult at times. I might self-refer myself back in at some point but I'll see how I go for a while, I think.

[Buckmusted]

Right I've done it.

I have just now sent a text saying "I didn't reply because I think you and I need some space. I'd like you not to bring (DD) into this. I'll call you when I'm ready to talk."

I don't intend to ever call.

Her number is already on my auto-reject list so she can't call me. It's meant to be able to stop texts getting through too, but I've just tested it out with my DD and her texts did come through still. So that's a shame but at least she can't call.

[Aussiebean]

You may want to tell your daughter that yes it is weird not to have a grandmother or mother in your life. Considering she is a teenager and it is hard when they think they are different. Plus, she might gets the .. But she is your grandmother .. Thing

That yes, it certain feels like everyone else has them in their lives and it is different/weird to make the decision not to have them in their lives (not for them to be deceaed instead)

But every family is unique and different, you never know what happens behind closed doors and that it's ok to decide to let those relationships go.

That may not be the case for your daughter but teenagers are funny sometimes.

[Meerka]

As I said, I do think a letter is better but a text could do it ... as long as you block her immediately. That one final communicatoin is a good idea simply to make the situation clear.

[Worryworker]

*nc not nmc!

[Worryworker]

I can really relate to your predicament and constantly have to remind myself that I am not the one with the problem. My dm sounds similar to yours in that she readily blames others for things that have gone wrong/the many cock-ups she's made in her life. I have written her a letter and confronted her face to face only to be left feeling more frustrated as she continues to play victim, pass the blame and completely dismiss my feelings.

I recently text my mum to say I needed nmc for a while to work things out in my head. She didn't respond to this but used opportunity recently when I was physically unwell, to visit, bring flowers and to me, act as though everything before hadn't happened! She's now trying to ring me again but I have not answered any more calls as I still feel I need the nc. I started psychotherapy this wk too- highly recommend it in helping you make sense of and begin to consider how you move forward in your relationship with your mum. It's so bloody confusing and distressing isn't it? Wish I had a 'normal' mother!

[Katedaniels]

I told my mother that I thought we should 'have a break from each other!' What she heard was;

I need to go away and work on my issues so I stop blaming you!'

It's been nearly 3 years now. I have no intention of ever having contact with her again.

It's all that bit easier for me because I live far away from her, but actually the fact that she decided to take what I said that way really helped because she then didn't try and justify anything to me.

I don't know if that's at all helpful, but it worked for me and made it clear I didn't want contact.

[Buckmusted]

Joysmum I agree it's not up to me to block her on my DD's phone.

Meerka Yes it's difficult, but thanks to all of you lots' responses on here, I was able to sit my DD down today and have a good long chat about it all.

==

I'm finding it so difficult today. DD seemed to understand completely where I was coming from, and says she doesn;t particularly care about her grandmother but that she thinks it would be too weird not to have her in her life. DD has not replied to the text she received and isn't going to.

So many of you are telling me I shouldn't text my mother and I completely understand why - it will further engage her, which is not what I want. It will give her ammunition to be used against me.

However, there isn't really anyone I can think of that she could talk to about me behind my back, that would bother me. The only one that would upset me is my DD, but DD's been quite clear that she will always be on 'my side'. Also, I have blocked her numbers on my phone, so she cannot call or text me.

I'm leaning towards thinking maybe I should text her one last time to show her in no uncertain terms how the land lies. Maybe something like:
"My phone isn't broken; I just didn't want to reply to your texts. Don't talk/text about me to DD unless you want to risk your relationship with her as well. I've blocked your number on my phone. Please don't contact me again."

Opinions/thoughts?

[QueenofallIsee]

I am kind of with Joysmum, I think that you should be making a clear statement to your Mum that you expect her to respect your wishes to be left in peace. I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but it sounds as though you have decided to cut her out but she is imagining that you are having a strop and will be getting over it any minute now. So she needs to know that you are serious

[Joysmum]

It is not up to you to block her number from your daughters phone if your daughter still wants a relationship with her.

I disagree with all the others on here, I believe it's up to you to contact your mum, letter is best, stating that you've come to the conclusion that your relationship bring far more negatives than it does positives and you won't be bothering in future. Also warn that her relationship with your daughter should just be able them and that if she tries to bring your daughter into this she risks losing her too.

[Meerka]

Thinking about it, we say 'warn your daughter' but it must be difficult to know exactly what to say.

Genearlly people who manipulate thrive on the good manners of others and their reluctance to speak ill of others. Openness and (not-nasty) honesty are the best counters to that.

So ... unless she has a natural radar for when someone's acting poisonously, explaining to your daughter just what the reasons are for going NC may be best. It's an unpleasant conversation and you can say that usually this isn't something you'd talk about but you have to warn her what might happen. That her grandmother might tell a story that is rather massaged from the reality of what actuallly happens and that sadly, sometimes she tells things in a way that make her look good and someone else bad but that's not objectively what happened. Also that her grandmother's rudeness and favouritism is not the way that people shoudl behave and therefore you are withdrawing until / unless she can discuss things reasonably and take responsiblity for her part in what's gone wrong.

Most people give gifts because the other person will like them, and they enjoy giving them. But there are some people who give gifts to make you like them and then they can get influence over you.

This is kind of controversial, a conversation like this, but personally I don't think warning people that not everyone is nice is a bad thing. A lot of the more manipulative and controlling people who walk all over nice people manage it because the nice people haven't been prepared to detect the red flags. Personally I think that red flags in relationships should be taught along with sex ed and most of the tricks that abusive people use are the same, whether it's bf, gf or parent.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What both Hissy and Meerka have written here. Block your mothers number from both phones.

Radio silence from the two of you has to be maintained; your 16 year old has really no idea what she is up against if she thinks she can at all handle her grandmother (not a chance in hell frankly, besides which your DD has no real life experience). She will use your DD to get back at you, your DD likely does not realise that she is now being herself manipulated.

[Meerka]

your daughter needs to know, from you, that she is not a go - between, that it is between you and your mother and that it itsn't right for her to be involved.

I would discuss it and if at all possible suggest that your daughter blocks her on her phone, but at 16 in the end it's her decision. If she doesn't, what aussiebean says

You are not splitting up the family btw. It's your mother's behaviour has done that. It is right and normal for people to protect themselves after a certain point, and that's what you're doing. It's the right thing to do, if there is no chance of a reasonable discussion with your mother and you've been clear there isn't.

I'm with hissy btw. your daughter may think she knows it all and can handle her grandmother but she really doesn't. Please be very careful because your mother is likely to try to seduce your daugther, big style.

[Hissy]

no reply, and that caht with DD is now essential.

your DD will be collateral damage to your mum in all this, your DM will think nothing of hurting her to get to you.

radio silence. from the both of you. can you get DM nimbers blocked on DD's phone?

[newhereappreciatehelp]

Ùguj

[Aussiebean]

She doesn't have to reply.

But if she does want to, she can be non comital

'I don't know' 'I'm not sure'

Or - I prefer to keep out of this

-I'm not getting involved that's between you two.

It is not your daughters place to be involved and she is going to have to learn to set her own boundaries. There is a good chance you mum with up the anti with her, which may not be a bad thing if you are open about it.

The important thing to say to your daughter is that this issue has nothing to go with her and not to let your mum suck her in.

[Buckmusted]

Aaargh she's gone and texted my DD like I thought she would :(

The text is all nicey-nicey and asks her if my phone's working because she's texted me twice and had no reply.

I don't know what to do. I really didn't want my DD involved at all but now she's going to have to reply, but saying what? I don't know.

I just want her to leave me alone.

[Buckmusted]

"It's difficult (for me at least) to regard oneself as an adult within a toxic parent/child relationship"

Yes it is for me too. She makes me feel like a child having a strop / sulking. And I know it's much more than that. She doesn't have the right to treat me like crap, no.

I found this page in a Google search and found it helpful. I want to remember these things from it:

"You are not responsible for your parents happiness.
You are not here to live the life they want you to live.
You are not here to live up to your parents expectations or dreams. You are here to live your own dreams.
You are not here to sacrifice yourself for them. They as adults have made their own choices and will continue to do so."

[RubbishMantra]

Like others have said, you don't owe her a response. Don't be scared of her. It's difficult (for me at least) to regard oneself as an adult within a toxic parent/child relationship. Toxic parents use that to their advantage.

Look at it this way - if this were a friendship, would you have given up on it by now? Just because someone is your biological parent, does that give them an automatic right to treat you like crap?

[Hissy]

there can't be resentment toward you, it's not you that splits up the family, it's this crazy batshit behaviour.

[Buckmusted]

God you're all so wise :) I'm so glad Mumsnet exists.
Well she didn't show up today. DH says I mustn't become a prisoner in our own home. I just hope I never bump into her (both live in same very small town).

Well done pippinleaf have you not seen her since? How long has it been?

Hissy yes, I know you're right. I think I'm afraid of DD resenting me for splitting up her family. She's already sort of lost her aunt through all this (their only contact is now through Facebook).