Update

[Alwaysalone]

Hey..

Just a quick update:

1. H woke up this morning like nothing has happened 'Morning darling', kiss on cheek etc etc..
2. FIL called about 10am, and wanted to talk to me. It started off as 'H told me you didn't go on holiday but came back'. So I told him everything. What H said to me, how he threatened me, how scared I was, and all H said to me last night. FIL was SHOCKED. He has offered me his unconditional support (which in turn has shocked me). He's said if I feel threatened again, to either try and send H to him or to call the Police.
3. I also spoke to DM. She wasn't surprised, though she said that couples argue, and I should try and be patient with H. She says H is a good man (which I agree with, and always have), but has 'lost his way a little'. She seems to think we can work it out. But she also said if he threatened me again, to call the Police.
4. I made an emergency appointment with GP re constant nagging in relation to kids routine, and she seems to think I have residual pnd, or PTSD. She said she will refer me initially rather than medicate me straight away, which I'm happy with.
5. I spoke to solicitor friend, who said if I am serious about separating, to keep a log of what H says to me, and to get my financial affairs in order.
6. H arrived home with my favourite sushi box, again acting like nothing has happened. He is sat next to me on the sofa now watching some comedy programme and chuckling away. Its as if the last few days have not happened.

For all the posters who think I have 'broken' H-he has never really specifically said he is unhappy to me. He talked about divorce 3 years ago NOT (I repeat NOT NOT NOT) because I was nagging at him, but because he thought I was flirting with another man. He only later told me about the reason. At the time, one day he just blew up because I told him to put dd1's coat on when he was going to the playground. I didn't know what the fuck happened, but he just suddenly shouted he wanted a divorce. He apologised later the same day. He told me the reason for it late in 2012 (the fight happened sept 2011). He is generally very normal-goes about his day happy (which is why I said he was a very good husband and father, as he doesn't display anything out of the ordinary). Every so often something small will happen, and he will show a completely disproportionate response. All I asked him to do, was rather than internalise everything, if he shared a little more of himself then he wouldn't feel like he was going to blow Before this one incident, though we had fights, he was never threatening or offensive.

With regards to H personally, he works 9-8 (he actually finished work at 6, but has to submit his hours for the day, and with the commute arrives home 7.30-8 max. he goes to the gym in the morning, most mornings. He goes cycling every weekend with a club. He also has a very specific hobby (which I can't mention as will out) which he attends once every 3 months. He has client dinners maybe once every 2 weeks. I don't chain him up at home. He essentially comes and goes as he pleases. He used to go to football 10PM-MIDNIGHT so would get home 12.30am-1am and go crashing around waking us all up. THAT'S why I asked him if he could find a group that played at a more reasonable fucking time. I didn't want to imprison him at home.

With regards to working H and I MUTUALLY agreed at the beginning that I would stay at home. Yes we have argued about who was the main SAHP after dd1 turned 1, but financially he EARNS ALMOST TWICE WHAT I WOULD. I then fell pregnant with dd2, and he's never mentioned that he wants to be a sahd, or that he is struggling at work. I personally have been living off my savings for the past 3.5 years. H has has not contributed ONE PENNY towards my clothing, car, insurance, tax and professional memberships (which are about £2000 per year alone), not to mention all the clothing and treats for the kids. So I DO contribute, and may as well be working.

With regards to the help-ffs, get over the fact that I have help!! This is a lasting issue with some posters. Other people have their parents on hand to help, we are NOT that lucky. I will not be made to feel guilty about using something that though isn't solving all our problems, is at least lightening the load. We are not extravagant, but H budgets for it. IF H WAS STRUGGLING TO FIND THE MONEY FOR HER, HE WOULD LET HER GO. Simple as. I fucking wish I never mentioned the help!

Yes, I'm shrill and naggy. BUT, I'm also loving, and kind and loyal. I've identified that I have problems. I am not perfect, but surely I deserve the same back?

I still don't know how to proceed. I'm thinking of waiting a few more days and trying to engage with H again. What do you all think? I didn't call women's aid today. I bottled it, I'm so sorry. Please don't be disappointed. I think I still need some time to come to terms with it. I have removed my wedding ring. I don't think H has noticed.

Sorry about the essay. Hope you are well. Thanks for those who sent me private messages. Your support over the past few days has been invaluable. I will try and reply back to you personally at some point, apologies if it takes a few days.

xx

The most worrying thing is that you feel you cannot raise this with him. When he was having his 3 day strop you couldn't just ask him to stop it. Now he has shifted back to Mr. Nice Guy you are not asking him what has been going on. Why is that? You say you don't want to rock the boat, well it's already been rocked to the core so you have nothing to lose on that score.

He sounds stunted emotionally which isn't surprising considering his upbringing but that isn't an excuse.

Always are you scared that, if you challenge him, he will say he wants a divorce that will be it?

Are you still hoping to stay in this relationship on work on rebuilding it?

Because if that is what is holding you back, can I say that I really, really don't think he wants a divorce. I think he said it before as a threat and if you had called his bluff he would have backed down very quickly.

He wants his life as it was. He wants you, the home, the family. And he wants to be able to treat you the same way as before except now that he has frightened you, he has found a new way to control you.

Or are you not challenging him because you are afraid that he will carry out his threat of violence? What is it that is keeping you from speaking to him about all this?

If he's having a breakdown, it is probably like my exH (and various other exs, according to MN), who said he wanted to kill himself and at some point supposedly had a knife to his throat because I had left him. No, he didn't kill himself. Yes, he found the strength to continue to be a twat.

The script is to try to gain control through whatever means.
Silence, threats, shouting, blaming you, pitying himself, be nice. It's all about controlling the situation and you.

Him asking for sex now was probably to ascertain what level of control he had. Like my exH asking me to make him a cup of coffee after a big one. (I didn't use to make him cups of anything, nor did he to me) It was just to see if he was in control of me (and to have a reason to complain about me in his head, probably).
Don't be surprised if the next complaint is that you never want to have sex with him.

He is aggressive, shouty and threatening.

Then he ignores you for a few days.

Then everything goes back to normal.

Until next time...

He is aggressive, shouty and threatening.

Then he ignores you for a few days.

Then everything goes back to normal.

It is a cycle.

You would not stay with a man who was permanently angry and threatening to batter you would you?

You wouldn't have stayed with a man who punched you in the face with in a few months of meeting him would you?

I wonder if you look back you will see that the first times this happened it was small. Is it escalating?

Will the next time he does this be the time he hits you? Or will it just be a small shove until the next time?

Always, can I reassure you that if you tell your GP what has happened there is no way they will take the children away.

I told my GP about similar verbal abuse, about the children being frightened, about how scared I was and that he had hit one of the DC across the head some 10 months previously. I was both desperately scared and ashamed to admit the last bit because I felt I had in some way colluded with ex by not reporting it earlier. GP was duty bound to report to SS because of the last bit, and they got in touch by phone.

As it was crystal clear that my priority was to protect the children going forward, whatever the cost to myself or the relationship, they didn't get involved any further. It was handled by the GP and HV from then on.

There is no way they have the time or resources to take your children if you are acting to protect them.

You need this on record. It was only much later I realised how important it was, and it is the thing I still regret most of all, that I didn't. Despite now understanding why I didn't/couldn't.

If I could hand you one piece of info and say 'don't question this, don't agonise over this, just take a deep breath and do it' it would be this.

I totally get how scary it is.

Unless you reveal more than you have posted here to your GP, I suspect it will just go on record.

I also send you encouragement to call WA. Just start with what happened in the car. Literally. 'Hello, I need to talk to you about this thing that happened last Saturday,.... ' and go from there. There is enough there and with what has subsequently happened for them to guide you through the rest. You only have to begin.

Dig deep. You have the strength and courage for this. You can do it.

my ex told my best friend's dh that i'd been in a mental institute for 5 years. just so her H would 'ban' the friendship.

he expexted me to sleep with him after I found out.

I just couldn't get past it. Every time he hinted/sulked/asked/demanded I said

"You told my best friend's H that i'd been in a mental institution for FIVE years, so that I would lose the ONLY person that has shown me an ounce of love/care/consideration over the last 3 hideous years" you did that to rob me of the one good thing I have that's not my own son.

and you expect me to shag you after that? not in a million years!"

he never got it. he was shocked that I could refuse.

he kept saying to me that it didn't matter, etc etc. he didn't mean it...

it didn't matter to him, he meant it alright.

people who blow smoke to diffuse the ugly things they have done to us are beyond contempt.

find the truth OP that he would smash your face in if you spoke to him in a way he didn't like. in front of your dc. find that truth and never ever let him forget it. as you can't forget it for now.

your future is full of hope. as long as you make sure that the one person that's worth fighting for is yourself, the little people in your life deserve a happy and safe mummy/home

OP, what's the plan?

we have no right to ask Always what the plan is

this isn't a luncheon that's being arranged, this is a bewlindering, hurtful and terrifying situation made all the more confusing by someone who is invested in confusing Always to the point of paralysis.

what Alwaya needs is a bit of calm, time and space to allow the smoke to clear. getting that's not easy.

"What's the plan" smacks of rubber necking

Always - hope you are ok today. Been thinking about you.

Morning Always, hope you're ok.

The more I read, the worse it sounds Always.
You definitely seem scares of him. Otherwise you'd be saying 'WTAF was that all about?' and 'of course I'm not having sex with you until we've dealt with the issues from the weekend'.

Hope you're ok.

Hissy , sorry, no insensitivity intended.

OP, my concern is only for your welfare and only wish to offer support.

I hope you can get support from your mum, WA or a friend as well as on here.

I would urge caution when dealing with dh .. He could be aggressive.

Could a friend or your mum come over for a few days?

(Not sure what rubber necking is but hopefully I'm not doing it.)
I have been in a similar situation in the past and each episode tends be be buried and forgotten until the next so that may be why I wondered what the plan was.

Apologies..OP, take your time.

Always we're here for you whatever you decide to do. The EA thread has links to some great resources and is also a good place to lurk and/or post.

I think it's ok to ask what the plan is, but Always (or any other OP) doesn't have to answer it.
It is important that you have a plan and your own boundaries in place (even if he doesn't know what they are).

But you may need time to formulate it all in your head. The problem is that it is incredibly hard to do it while he is pressuring you (as for sex).

Can you tell him that you do need this space to figure it out and that no sex, no cuddles, etc until you do know where you stand? And preferably that he would be away while you do work on it?

(Again, you don't have to answer to us. Any questions are for you to answer to yourself. Only post if you do think it may be useful to you to get feedback)

Alone why did you not feel able to reply honestly when he asked for sex, and explain that there's no way you'd feel like having sex with him in this atmosphere, when he's threatened you and is refusing to discuss it?

Nobody would be taking your kids away on the basis of your husband shouting at you, so please don't let that stop you speaking honestly to your GP.

Hope you are okay Always.

How are you, always? Hope all is ok with you.

God hope I didn't offend you with my question Alone! Obviously you don't have to answer anything which makes you uncomfortable. Hope you're ok and that you continue to get support here even if you've decided to let the whole thing slide and carry on as normal.

Just wondering how you are doing always?