Update

[Alwaysalone]

Hey..

Just a quick update:

1. H woke up this morning like nothing has happened 'Morning darling', kiss on cheek etc etc..
   
2. FIL called about 10am, and wanted to talk to me. It started off as 'H told me you didn't go on holiday but came back'. So I told him everything. What H said to me, how he threatened me, how scared I was, and all H said to me last night. FIL was SHOCKED. He has offered me his unconditional support (which in turn has shocked me). He's said if I feel threatened again, to either try and send H to him or to call the Police.
   
3. I also spoke to DM. She wasn't surprised, though she said that couples argue, and I should try and be patient with H. She says H is a good man (which I agree with, and always have), but has 'lost his way a little'. She seems to think we can work it out. But she also said if he threatened me again, to call the Police.
   
4. I made an emergency appointment with GP re constant nagging in relation to kids routine, and she seems to think I have residual pnd, or PTSD. She said she will refer me initially rather than medicate me straight away, which I'm happy with.
   
5. I spoke to solicitor friend, who said if I am serious about separating, to keep a log of what H says to me, and to get my financial affairs in order.
   
6. H arrived home with my favourite sushi box, again acting like nothing has happened. He is sat next to me on the sofa now watching some comedy programme and chuckling away. Its as if the last few days have not happened.
   
   For all the posters who think I have 'broken' H-he has never really specifically said he is unhappy to me. He talked about divorce 3 years ago NOT (I repeat NOT NOT NOT) because I was nagging at him, but because he thought I was flirting with another man. He only later told me about the reason. At the time, one day he just blew up because I told him to put dd1's coat on when he was going to the playground. I didn't know what the fuck happened, but he just suddenly shouted he wanted a divorce. He apologised later the same day. He told me the reason for it late in 2012 (the fight happened sept 2011). He is generally very normal-goes about his day happy (which is why I said he was a very good husband and father, as he doesn't display anything out of the ordinary). Every so often something small will happen, and he will show a completely disproportionate response. All I asked him to do, was rather than internalise everything, if he shared a little more of himself then he wouldn't feel like he was going to blow Before this one incident, though we had fights, he was never threatening or offensive.
   
   With regards to H personally, he works 9-8 (he actually finished work at 6, but has to submit his hours for the day, and with the commute arrives home 7.30-8 max. he goes to the gym in the morning, most mornings. He goes cycling every weekend with a club. He also has a very specific hobby (which I can't mention as will out) which he attends once every 3 months. He has client dinners maybe once every 2 weeks. I don't chain him up at home. He essentially comes and goes as he pleases. He used to go to football 10PM-MIDNIGHT so would get home 12.30am-1am and go crashing around waking us all up. THAT'S why I asked him if he could find a group that played at a more reasonable fucking time. I didn't want to imprison him at home.
   
   With regards to working H and I MUTUALLY agreed at the beginning that I would stay at home. Yes we have argued about who was the main SAHP after dd1 turned 1, but financially he EARNS ALMOST TWICE WHAT I WOULD. I then fell pregnant with dd2, and he's never mentioned that he wants to be a sahd, or that he is struggling at work. I personally have been living off my savings for the past 3.5 years. H has has not contributed ONE PENNY towards my clothing, car, insurance, tax and professional memberships (which are about £2000 per year alone), not to mention all the clothing and treats for the kids. So I DO contribute, and may as well be working.
   
   With regards to the help-ffs, get over the fact that I have help!! This is a lasting issue with some posters. Other people have their parents on hand to help, we are NOT that lucky. I will not be made to feel guilty about using something that though isn't solving all our problems, is at least lightening the load. We are not extravagant, but H budgets for it. IF H WAS STRUGGLING TO FIND THE MONEY FOR HER, HE WOULD LET HER GO. Simple as. I fucking wish I never mentioned the help!
   
   Yes, I'm shrill and naggy. BUT, I'm also loving, and kind and loyal. I've identified that I have problems. I am not perfect, but surely I deserve the same back?
   
   I still don't know how to proceed. I'm thinking of waiting a few more days and trying to engage with H again. What do you all think? I didn't call women's aid today. I bottled it, I'm so sorry. Please don't be disappointed. I think I still need some time to come to terms with it. I have removed my wedding ring. I don't think H has noticed.
   
   Sorry about the essay. Hope you are well. Thanks for those who sent me private messages. Your support over the past few days has been invaluable. I will try and reply back to you personally at some point, apologies if it takes a few days.
   
   xx

[cansu]

I could have predicted this would happen Always. So he doesn't apologise or acknowledge he was wrong. He punishes you for three days by keeping silent, tells you he was right to threaten you and that he will do it agin if he feels like. Then he pretends it never happened. Everyone goes back to normal. He does not want to separate but he does want to be in control. I note you say that you find money from your savings to allow you to stay at home. This is not on. I would perhaps start saving money for your self and using the family money for your everyday expenses. See how that goes down...if you are unsure about whether you want to split I would also continue to sleep in spare room, if asked why spell it out that you are still angry that he threatened you. Be prepared though for a switch back to mr. nasty if you refuse to play ball. He already has you worried about rocking the boat now he is back to normal.

[Lweji]

Oooh, missed it yesterday.

I think you are doing great. Take your time to decide, just as long as you are safe. You can work on a leaving/separating plan just to reassure you and so that you can use it, should you need to go in an emergency.
You have got great advice here and IRL and I hope you do contact Women's Aid.

However you proceed now, I hope you are able to tell your OH that any further threats, either of leaving or of hurting you, and you will actually leave. But if you don't feel safe in even saying that, then I do think it's time to finish it all.

The main thing is that you should never be afraid of the person you share your life with.

[Lweji]

Personally, if you decide on keeping the relationship, it should be only if he does change and seeks help and recognises that his shutting down and explode dynamic is not healthy (for him and for the relationship).

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Don't let him sweep this under the carpet sweetheart. If you do then nothing has changed and this will all happen again.

When you saw your GP did you mention his behaviour? If your relationship is to survive then this issue needs to be confronted head on but it sounds like that's the last thing he wants to do.

As for your FIL blaming your MIL, well, that says it all doesn't it.

[Perplexedaschips]

In a nutshell, OP has asked him for an explanation for his aggressive behaviour and none was forthcoming. Just further threats.

So for OP to stay in this marriage, dh has to fundamentally change personality. Not many people fundamentally change their personalities. Especially ones who don't have any intention of doing so.

Face facts OP, this has happened and as far as I can see, it's not possible to come back from as you on your own cannot change him. He is the only one who can change and that isn't happening...indeed, even if he says he will try to change, I wonder if that is really possible.

It may not be his parents fault, it may just be who he is. FIL blaming MIL is just pathetic.

[Anomaly]

Really glad you're still posting OP. Please talk to Women's Aid. I would also suggest the Lundy Bancroft's book Why does he do that? I think reading it may open your eyes. Your original thread showed an obvious physical threat from your DH but your posts about money make him sound financially abusive too. His forgetting your daughter's allergy rings alarm bells too.

Please don't let this just slide. Don't expect your DH to take the lead here because it's in his best interest to keep you where you are and the more scared to confront him the better.

[Phalenopsis]

Hello OP.

Have to say, I find it staggering that after rowing at the weekend and then not talking to you for three days, he can then switch back on as if nothing has happened. I agree with the other posters who've said that he's hoping that this will be swept under the carpet. Regardless of whether you stay with him or not, I don't think it's a good idea to let this one slide. It doesn't set a good precedent for one thing. He must open up and talk about it and if he refuses, then I think you have your answer to this whole mess.

[Fairenuff]

This is what people who demonstrate abusive behaviour do. They do not accept responsibility, they do not commit to change, they just ignore the incident as if it never happened.

It's another way of putting you in your place OP. Now you feel you can't bring it up again because you will be 'going on' about something that happened last week when he is being so nice to you. And he will probably then say you are nagging him again.

This leaves you trying to 'fix' the things that are in your control and here you are trying to improve yourself whilst he acts as if he's done nothing wrong at all!

In the past you would have accepted all this and let things go back to 'normal'. But this time, if you do that, your new 'normal' includes his right to threaten you. It's escalated.

And it's clear that he does think he has a right to do that. Nothing he says or does indicates otherwise. On the contrary, he has explicitly told you he was does have that right and will exercise it again.

[kaykayblue]

Hi OP - I'm sorry to hear how things are going, but glad that you updated so we know that you are okay.

This man is terrifying. It's like by pretending it never happened, he doesn't have to take any responsibility for what he did. It also means that he has never said that what he did was wrong - so he could well do it again.

This is not how someone behaves when they are remorseful. And he should be fucking SEEPING remorse from his every fucking PORE.

I have no doubt he will behave like a charmer for the next few days. Little gifts. Lots of "I love you's". That sort of thing.

He is moving quite swiftly into Jekyll and Hyde territory. Which is terrifying in itself as that's how most domestic violence victims describe their husbands.

I can't believe your mother's reaction. Your own mother.

Shame on her. SHAME on her.

[Egghead68]

He's in the "nice" part of the abuse cycle.

I think you don't want to rock the boat and just want to go back to normal as quickly as possible. That's understandable but unfortunately I suspect you are just setting yourself up for this to happen again and again in the future.

I hope I'm wrong. Stay safe.

[mamalino]

Hi OP, so glad to hear you are safe and it is understandable that you feel so conflicted. I too think a neutral third party would be best placed to provide advice, WA would be very helpful for you I think.

It's your marriage, and your real life, it's easy to sit at the end of the screen and dispense advice when it's not your life! But...but....if it was me I couldn't get past is, it's above and beyond what is tolerable. I couldn't live with that fear in my home and my children's lives. He has threatened you horribly in front of your children. Yes, the first time..but can you guarantee it's the last? I don't think so.

Please keep posting for support, Fairenuff particularly. has spoken sense from the beginning.

PS. I'm so glad you didn't make him a fucking coffee!

[Fairenuff]

He is sat next to me on the sofa now watching some comedy programme and chuckling away. Its as if the last few days have not happened.

Do you think you could ask him to move out for a bit, to give you some space and time? It's very hard to think clearly when he is right there with you and you still feel you have to tiptoe around him.

[mamalino]

Would he be able to find this thread? Just thought about him sitting next to you and it worried me, would he look at your history or anything?

[Alwaysalone]

Hi guys. Having you all here is like having my closest family or relative. I feel I can breathe...

I'm continually deleting my history then checking back to make sure I haven't left a trail.

H wanted sex last night, but I said I was on my period. He then rolled his eyes and went to bed. It was only after I realised it was actually my period 2 weeks ago, and he knew I lied. But he didn't say anything.

This morning, again, more niceness. He was telling dd1 how lucky they are to have me. It's like he's trying to make up to me but he's too arrogant to actually apologise. FIL rang today, and said h was off on the phone with him too, and maybe he's heading for some kind of breakdown...?

Still haven't called women's aid. I don't know what to say to them. I told GP yesterday that h shouted at me, but not that he threatened me. I was scared of it being logged, and that girls would get taken away.

[BookABooSue]

You could pick some of your posts as a starting point for talking to WA.

If FIL is genuinely worried about your h's MH, Could FIL suggest to your H that he goes to counselling or to see the GP? Meanwhile you can keep focused on accessing support for you and the DCs.

[Lweji]

I was scared of it being logged, and that girls would get taken away.

It won't happen just because of one threat.

But it should be logged, because if you want to leave and if you eventually need supervised contact (hopefully not) then you will have evidence to back it up.

As for WA, do tell them all, as you posted here. Starting with the threat. And the sudden outbursts with hurtful words. And the stonewalling.
I think it's important to figure out what you want from them.
Validation?
A strategy to walk out?
Help with financial planning?

But I'm sure they have often received simply cries for help and they will guide you through it all that needs to be done and talked about.

[Hissy]

If you log it love, and things come to legal, if there is DV logged you will have more of a chance to get legal aid.

You have to log this, people can't help you/advise without the truth. YOU won't heal or grow if you don't embrace the truth of what's happened to you.

children don't get taken from parents asking for help with DV. 1 in 4 women report abusive relationships at some point in their lives. if even half those women had children, the SS system would have crumbled a gazillion years ago.

Call WA, it's confidential and as there is no direct threat to the DC, no-one will be obliged to report/act etc, they can tell you what you can do and what your options are. above all, they will listen.

While writing, I will say that is IS immensely hard to call WA from a psychological point of view, I really struggled to get myself together to call them, but i did and I'm really glad I did. Don't worry if you find it daunting, that is normal too.

:)

[Fairenuff]

Hmm, he threatens to punch you in the face, frightens his children, ignores you, refuses to apologise, tells you to expect more of the same and then expects you to have sex with him.

And you are too frightened to say no, you try to make an excuse instead.

Tell WA that, Always.

And, if you think it won't compromise your safety, tell him that you would like some space, you are not happy that he hasn't taken any responsibility for his actions and you want some time to think about it. Tell him to move out for a bit or, if you can't do that, tell him to move into the spare room.

[Lweji]

Proposing a temporary separation to work things out is always a good first step.
It may be that he then realises how unhelpful his behaviour has been and seeks help to break it.

As I mentioned in the previous thread, the relationship should be worked on while you are safe.

But, beware of a short term behavioural change.

A temporary separation also works better if there are further threats or you decide to break it off permanently, as he'll already be out of the house.

[Mandyandme]

Given you were so happy before the children were born do you think he is one of those people who are jealous of his children, given that you have 2 other distractions from giving him your full personal attention?
Is that why he takes your children out without the proper clothes on and feeding dd yoghurt to cause her pain because deep down he is jealous of her.

Not anything specific but although this pattern of behaviour has only happened a handful of times over the years it is coming across as each time more boundaries have been pushed and it is getting worse. My worry is given time what could happen.

[GoldfishCrackers]

Always I'm concerned that
A he thought he had a chance of sex with you after the vile way he's treated you
B you felt that you had to make an excuse for not having sex, rather than tell him no (and why you don't fancy having sex with him right now).
I agree that it's a good idea to tell your GP about the threat. It will make things much easier if things get legal.

[Lweji]

Yes, the red flags keep mounting.

[MrsCosmopilite]

Some good advice from posters above.

Always the more you post about your H, the more he sounds like a Jeckill/Hyde personality. Presumably he hasn't always been like this? Calm for ages, suddenly blowing up over nothing, then no apology and acting as though it never happened?

[CariadsDarling]

Alwaysalone, i would imagine the earth is a bit trembly under your husbands feet and he may in fact be feeling shaky given the new you thats emerging. But a breakdown? No. Its just the kind of thing a mum and dad would think rather than face up to the person their child is and the the part they may have had in making him this person.

[Phalenopsis]

You seem so scared of him OP. That's not normal. You should indeed be able to decline sex without making excuses and you shouldn't feel frightened that your children are going to be taken away from you if you split up.

I'm not accusing you of drip feeding but I do think there's more going on here under the surface, perhaps more than you've realised up until now.