Update

[Alwaysalone]

Hey..

Just a quick update:

1. H woke up this morning like nothing has happened 'Morning darling', kiss on cheek etc etc..
2. FIL called about 10am, and wanted to talk to me. It started off as 'H told me you didn't go on holiday but came back'. So I told him everything. What H said to me, how he threatened me, how scared I was, and all H said to me last night. FIL was SHOCKED. He has offered me his unconditional support (which in turn has shocked me). He's said if I feel threatened again, to either try and send H to him or to call the Police.
3. I also spoke to DM. She wasn't surprised, though she said that couples argue, and I should try and be patient with H. She says H is a good man (which I agree with, and always have), but has 'lost his way a little'. She seems to think we can work it out. But she also said if he threatened me again, to call the Police.
4. I made an emergency appointment with GP re constant nagging in relation to kids routine, and she seems to think I have residual pnd, or PTSD. She said she will refer me initially rather than medicate me straight away, which I'm happy with.
5. I spoke to solicitor friend, who said if I am serious about separating, to keep a log of what H says to me, and to get my financial affairs in order.
6. H arrived home with my favourite sushi box, again acting like nothing has happened. He is sat next to me on the sofa now watching some comedy programme and chuckling away. Its as if the last few days have not happened.

For all the posters who think I have 'broken' H-he has never really specifically said he is unhappy to me. He talked about divorce 3 years ago NOT (I repeat NOT NOT NOT) because I was nagging at him, but because he thought I was flirting with another man. He only later told me about the reason. At the time, one day he just blew up because I told him to put dd1's coat on when he was going to the playground. I didn't know what the fuck happened, but he just suddenly shouted he wanted a divorce. He apologised later the same day. He told me the reason for it late in 2012 (the fight happened sept 2011). He is generally very normal-goes about his day happy (which is why I said he was a very good husband and father, as he doesn't display anything out of the ordinary). Every so often something small will happen, and he will show a completely disproportionate response. All I asked him to do, was rather than internalise everything, if he shared a little more of himself then he wouldn't feel like he was going to blow Before this one incident, though we had fights, he was never threatening or offensive.

With regards to H personally, he works 9-8 (he actually finished work at 6, but has to submit his hours for the day, and with the commute arrives home 7.30-8 max. he goes to the gym in the morning, most mornings. He goes cycling every weekend with a club. He also has a very specific hobby (which I can't mention as will out) which he attends once every 3 months. He has client dinners maybe once every 2 weeks. I don't chain him up at home. He essentially comes and goes as he pleases. He used to go to football 10PM-MIDNIGHT so would get home 12.30am-1am and go crashing around waking us all up. THAT'S why I asked him if he could find a group that played at a more reasonable fucking time. I didn't want to imprison him at home.

With regards to working H and I MUTUALLY agreed at the beginning that I would stay at home. Yes we have argued about who was the main SAHP after dd1 turned 1, but financially he EARNS ALMOST TWICE WHAT I WOULD. I then fell pregnant with dd2, and he's never mentioned that he wants to be a sahd, or that he is struggling at work. I personally have been living off my savings for the past 3.5 years. H has has not contributed ONE PENNY towards my clothing, car, insurance, tax and professional memberships (which are about £2000 per year alone), not to mention all the clothing and treats for the kids. So I DO contribute, and may as well be working.

With regards to the help-ffs, get over the fact that I have help!! This is a lasting issue with some posters. Other people have their parents on hand to help, we are NOT that lucky. I will not be made to feel guilty about using something that though isn't solving all our problems, is at least lightening the load. We are not extravagant, but H budgets for it. IF H WAS STRUGGLING TO FIND THE MONEY FOR HER, HE WOULD LET HER GO. Simple as. I fucking wish I never mentioned the help!

Yes, I'm shrill and naggy. BUT, I'm also loving, and kind and loyal. I've identified that I have problems. I am not perfect, but surely I deserve the same back?

I still don't know how to proceed. I'm thinking of waiting a few more days and trying to engage with H again. What do you all think? I didn't call women's aid today. I bottled it, I'm so sorry. Please don't be disappointed. I think I still need some time to come to terms with it. I have removed my wedding ring. I don't think H has noticed.

Sorry about the essay. Hope you are well. Thanks for those who sent me private messages. Your support over the past few days has been invaluable. I will try and reply back to you personally at some point, apologies if it takes a few days.

xx

How long have you been on Mumsnet?

No I definitely don't want someone to side with me. If anything, I need someone to side with him, in order to also poss get through to him..

How long tonight? Since I started this thread..

I'm so glad to see your update. It sounds a productive day. I'm glad both your DM and your FIL 'got' how bad it was and said to involve the police next time.

He is desperately normalising. Be careful of accepting this in a wish that it would all go away. It never does for long.

Don't feel bad about WA, your mind is spinning and tomorrow is another day. Have another try.

It took my ex 18 MONTHS to notice I took my ring off!! (It took me a long time to get out)

Did you tell the GP what happened? They can log such incidents in case you need it on record later.

Impotent rage and fear. It's a horrible trapped place to be. Hang in there. You can do this. You can figure out what you want and then you can achieve it. It'll just take some time.

Hello Always - glad to see you're updating, and sort of glad to see you're angry. Sorry to hear that you're still feeling so scared though.

I think you've achieved a lot in a few days, and it's good to hear that FIL and your DM are agreed that H's reaction/behaviour is not on.

Do you know if your H would consider seeing a doctor? It may be that if he is stressed or depressed (or both) that may explain why he seems to have undergone a personality change. It does not justify his behaviour or subsequent normalising, but it could be a contributory factor.

Well done for getting the GP appointment - it could be that the therapy will be helpful to you in finding a clear path through the current mess.

Please keep posting if you find it helps you.

No - I meant how many months or years? Any mention of a nanny or home help and some people don't hear anything else you say

I think the wait for counselling might be too long, I think you need to speak to someone you can trust and you can trust to stay impartial.

Tread carefully here, there's still too much unknown about him atm.

I suspect that this could be him 'hoovering'; sucking you back in, not dealing with the issue in any way shape or form, but going on charm offensive.

Stay angry. He's not apologised. A box of flipping supermarket sushi won't make up for a threatened punch in the face.

You didn't cause this lovey, you really didn't. He chose to behave in the way he did. He chose NOT to take responsibility for it, and actually to blame you. That's wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

In classic abuse scenarios, the only time an abuser will even think about perhaps, maybe, MAYBE adjusting their behaviour is if ALL support is removed. By all support I mean Parents, Friends, acquaintances, colleague everyone they know.

Even then MOST won't give up their agressive/manipulative/controlling choices.

I'm not saying that your H is an abuser per se, but he's violently threatened you, used hardcore manipulative techniques, and appears to be following the same twat script that abusers do. If it quacks like a duck... it could very well be a duck, so keep your wits about you and defend your boundaries.

I agree that he may react badly when he knows you've gone public.

Keep your plans, call WA, see the solicitor and make sure you know your position.

By the way, why are you funding your own expenses from savings? You're facilitating HIS career growth by parking yours, by being the childcare etc.

Good for you too that you have help! I'd give my right arm to have that! :)

Abuse/dysfunctional relationships happen to everyone. From all walks of life, all income tax brackets. All the women I have met during my recovery from abuse, and subsequent charity work have been cracking women, with brilliant cvs/career histories, bright, funny, intelligent and spirited.

Keep posting. I'm glad you have had supportive PMs, the support here is tremendous. It's given me the strength I needed to get out and recover.

4 years on i'm the happiest i've ever been. Stronger than at any other point in my life.

Don't ever worry about the future, as long as you are true and kind to yourself, you'll be fine!

Let me know if I can help in any way? I'll do my very best to do so.

Oh, meant to say, anger is a part of this process, you have to work through it, feel it, understand it, process it and give it permission to exist. Then you can release it when you are ready. It all takes time, so don't pressure yourself, it will happen as long as you stick to the absolute truth about everything and don't allow anyone (yourself included) to blow smoke and cloud your view.

What absolutely lovely, amazing, inspiring people you all are.

Hissy, honestly, I really really struggled with dd1, bless her. Had crippling pnd, and didn't leave the house for about 5 months (no joke). Then as I gradually get better I found out I was pg again. I really couldn't do it without the help. I know plenty of women do, and I feel inadequate, but I just couldn't.

I had Pnd with my dd too, it was incredibly difficult. I'm glad you had support.

It's good to see you back. I too admire how you've stood up to your critics although I wish you hadn't had to.
Well done on telling your mum and fil; did you tell your GP what h did too?

Please don't feel that you have to keep justifying having a mothers help. I was a bit of a wreck when my youngest were the ages yours are, and if my dh had been at work/at the gym/commuting from 8am to 8pm, I wouldn't have coped at all without help. I'm not inadequate though, and neither are you!

Always, good to hear from you.

I may get told off for saying this, but I don't like that he is now on his best behaviour. In the absence of an apology and commitment to change, it just smacks of him wanting to avoid the issues, being prepared to carry on as you are but not to deal with the major problems. Sucking you back in even, making sure you're ok with last night's arrangement that he is fine to threaten to punch your face in as and when, in front of dc..

I am very glad you've told your DM and FIL. I can't imagine though thinking that someone may need to call the police, and also telling them they can work it out and shouldn't at least temporarily separate. I suppose they may think it is very unlikely he'll be violent but are being cautious. It would worry me though. When people say, like your DM, that you can work it out, how do they think that process should happen? Do they know that your DH will not discuss things or accept any fault on his part, will not go to counselling or agree to try in any way other than just continuing the status quo? They'd surely agree that there will no 'working out' until he changes that, or until you decide you can live with the way things are (which you shouldn't do).

For me, when you're angry and resentful and disappointed or many other
things with your partner, it is one thing. But when you're scared, it is another and I wouldn't live with it if I had any choice.

The thing I can't get past is what he said last night. I have a really quick temper, I have had outbursts where I have shouted and sworn at people in an alarming way (never threatened violence though). Even when I have good cause to be upset, I always regret the nature of the outburst and feel sorry within seconds or minutes. I might keep up my grievance, but I'll always say I was wrong to be aggressive or shout. If after days your DH still couldn't do that, I just feel that well, it wasn't a stand-alone thing. He feels all that ongoing anger, he meant it on some level, and his 'back to normalness' shows he either won't or for now can't do anything about it.

If you don't want this for you and your DDs you need to stop things sliding back into the old routine. You need to be safe so proceed as you think best. What do you think might happen if you suggested a temporary separation?

So glad to see you posting Always, I was worried that you might have been scared off by all the nit picking on your last thread but I see you've found your anger at last and that's great, it will help you.

He is trying to take things back to 'normal' now, or as normal as they can be with a man who doesn't communicate.

He really does not want to take responsibility for what he did. He does not want to apologise and he does not want to change.

Nothing his his words or actions indicate that. He just expects you to accept what he did and, basically, stfu about it

I don't see how you can get past that really.

Another one glad to see you safe and posting again Always.I was worried that the DV apologists had got to you.

I'm suprised that your FIL was shocked- if a man who you've described as having similar dysfunctional behaviour is shocked, then that shows you exactly how badly your H behaved.

Did you explain to the GP how your husband had behaved? It worries me that you seem to be taking on all the 'blame' here- it's possible that the depression and stress you feel are not necessarily PND, but linked to the fact that you are married to an abusive bully and living in fear. Even though this is the first time he has threatened physical violence, it sounds as though there have been several instances of emotional threats in the past.

I would take your mother's advice with a pinch of salt. A good man does not threaten to punch his wife. Don't fall into the trap of letting her minimise this.

Personally, I wouldn't try to engage with him. The current act may well be to make you doubt yourself. He might have been warned by his father exactly how far over the line he's crossing, and is trying to act in a way that stops you from taking action.

I really do think your need advice from WA. They'll know how to advise you, and they'll understand, and they'll help you identify ways to stay safe. You don't have to live in fear.

I ended up with mild agoraphobia and PTSD as a result of the relationship I had with my ex. Luckily the depression i'd suffered earlier in my life didn't reoccur during that time, because I knew the situation really WAS dire but real.

I know depression and how dangerous/ debilitating it is. I know what being stuck indoors was like. Mine was forced by the ex to begin with, then out of choice as I became too fearful of the environment I was living in/repercussions from 'im indoors.

We all of us do what we have to to get through, and thank god you have the ability to get the support you need.

You didn't fail at all, you're not inadequate, far from it!

We're here for you, this is going to take a while to sort out, whatever happens.

Your safety needs to be paramount, nothing comes second to this.

If you are safe, happy and strong, your dc will grow strong, confident and happy. Fear in a house seeps into everything and everyone. The damage it does is horrific.

This is the beginning of a journey, not the end. It's to a better place, a place where you are stronger/happier.

Whether your H is with you is up to him, but he's not going to get in your way, ok? :)

Always you've achieved so much today. You should be proud.

WA or Relate can give you space to work through how you feel and what you want to do next. Sadly you can't force your DH to acknowledge how his threats have impacted on you and your relationship.

Personally I wouldn't tell him about your conversation with FIL as, despite his pretence to the contrary, your DH hasn't retracted the threat and still might be volatile.

Try to channel your anger so it doesn't fester - write a journal, go to the gym, rant on here or tell a friend.

Your DH sounds like he's going to pretend nothing has changed but you're scared of his reactions now and that's a massive shift. I'm sorry he did this to you.

Do you think you could tell him that you need a bit of time to think about everything that's happened over the past few days?

If so, ask him to move into the spare room for a bit as you'd like your bed back. See how he reacts to that.

It would an easy way for him to gracefully acknowledge that he has 'wronged' you with minimal disruption to himself. If he agrees then it may be that he is going to be more approachable with regard to serious discussion.

If he refuses then it would show that he is not ready to give an inch.

Well done on going to the Dr. Hopefully it will set you on the road to being in a happier frame of mind, and months from now a happier place in or out of your marriage.

It all sounds vile and to be accused of flirting months after an episode from your husband is way below the belt and I guess it was all he could come up with by way of justification for his bullying behaviour. Its a very cheap and nasty tactic.

I think it will be interesting to see just what it is you are willing to live with 6 months from now.

As for having help - good on you. :)

I hope today is a better one for you. :)

well done Always at least you have the support of FIL and DM.Mine seemed to think i provoke outbursts but no one deserves a dvd crushed into their hand by a man twice their size.
Good luck with it all.

Please find it in you to ring WA today. Tell them everything as impartial advisors and see what they say.

I'm so glad to see you are angry, Always :) anger can be a useful tool in the short term, although it is exhausting.

I hope you manage to speak to WA today. Keep trying if you don't get through straight away.

I think you know your dds deserve better than this, and so do you.

If you look honestly at your history together, how many times have you felt unhappy with a situation, but known talking about it wasn't an option?

When someone tells you who they are, listen. He has told you that not only is he not sorry for frightening you, he will do it again. He sees it as his right to speak to you in a way that belittles and threatens you. He is not a good man.

Always - good for you. If you need some more time to process your emotions or figure out a plan, how about at least getting to grips with where you stand practically (finances, paperwork, legally re the house etc)? Then, you will feel that you are at least being productive, but not wasting your time.

Good to see you strong and angry. You are much stronger than you think.

I notice very few of your 'critics' have posted.

I might also be tempted to speak to the GP about the way your DH behaved.

Someone said upthread about your DH may have some mental health issues and it's a valid point. However, my DH is diagnosed with a serious mental health condition, we've had some dark times, but he's never threatened violence or not 'engaged'. MH issues may well be a reason, but it's not an excuse.

Keep going.

And yes, speak to WA.

Assuming he's not a bad bloke: he obviously has serious problems with communicating his feelings in a reasonable way, and it's not surprising considering his parents relationship.

I think he needs counselling or therapy. He may have no idea how not normal his way of dealing with relationship issues is.

Is there anyway you could broach this with him? If you could do it in a non-angry way? Even if he watches the telly and seemingly ignores you, he will probably be listening, and might go away and think about it. If he is a decent man he will be willing to put some effort into making things better. Otherwise, I fear you will just keep going round in circles and these blow-ups will keep happening.