My DH does nothing, no matter how many times I tell him, it never changes. I just don't know what to do now.

[FoghornLeghorn]

This has taken me so long to be able to write this thread - I have thought about it for months and months and months but I don't know what I expect to achieve by posting really. I don't need anyone to tell me how useless he is, I know that already too well, although I wont be offended if you do. I just don't know what to do, it never changes, he always says he will change and help more but it never lasts long and i always have to ask him to do things.

Today has just been another typical afternoon/evening so may as well use this a prime example.

He came in from work at 4p.m, he had been there since 7.30 this morning. I am working at home, have been all day since 8.30am with DD at home with me. He comes in, sits down looking through some brochure or another with DD constantly on at him "come and do this daddy, come and do that daddy" - He falls asleep. I was working until 5p.m but I was the one that kept going and seeing what DD wanted and giving her something else to try and keep her occupied for a while (she is 2.2 btw).
5pm comes, I finish work, cook DD's dinner, wash up dishes accumulated throughout course of the day, have a general tidy up, sit DD down for her dinner. While she eats her dinner I clean kitchen, sweep floor etc. When she finished her dinner, I clean up after that and wash her dishes.
All the while DH is asleep on the chair.
He then asks what time he should go to the gym - I just said do what you like, so he does, goes upstairs and gets his gym gear ready, now he's gone to the gym.
DD still needs bathing/getting settled for bed and our dinner still needs cooking, as he walked out the door he said he would cook when he gets home.

Writing it down this doesn't seem like a lot but this is an every day thing - I don't work everyday usually but i am this week and next, I usually only work 2.5 days whereas DH works 5 days.
He will sometimes cook when I ask him, he will sometimes bathe DD when I ask him, he will sometimes put DD to bed when* I ask him and he will sometimes help me tidy up when* I ask him*. He goes to the gym Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, he goes to football training on a Thursday and plays in a game on Sundays.

I am 7.5 months pregnant at the moment and its not that I feel i can't cope because I can, I know I can but why the hell should I - he is my husband, we have been together for 7 years nearly, our DD is 2 and we have another on the way, I have not done all of this by myself.

DD will not go to DH for anything, if she is upset she comes to me, if she is tired she comes to me, if she is poorly she comes to me, if she wakes in the night she only wants me. DH tries to get her to go to him but she is not interested. He has no quailty time with her, i suggested today when he got in from work that he take her to the park for half hour to get her out of the house, he just ignored me. I don't expect him to want to do a great deal when he gets home from work but then why should I do it all. At weekends we do things as a family, he never ever does things alone with her - this is obviously the reason she will not go to him.

Everything just seems such a mess but with such simple answers - I don't mind him having a social life, going to the gym, playing football etc, why shouldn't he, he works hard but yes sometimes I begrudge it when I am the one sat at home doing everything while he acts like a single bloke. If i stamp my feet and shout, he does things but I don't see why I should have to do that, he is an adult and i feel like I mother him, he does too because there are time he says that I should stop acting like his mum.

I just want a little bit of help - I just want him to offer to bathe DD, I just want him to be considerate and say he will go to the gym at 7.30 when DD is in bed and everything is clean and tidy.
Things are like this now, imagine what they will be like when we have a newborn too.
I am dreading the possibilty of staying in hospital this time as DD will be a nightmare, its not that she is clingy to me, because she isn't, she will go to my mum, my MIL etc.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense or if i have repeated things - I just feel a bit lost at the minute.

I feel if it wasn't for the finacial aspect DH brings I may as well be a single parent Not that i want to be of course, I just mean that he does nothing else apart from provide half of the
income.

Sorry that was so long

Have you sat him down and told it to him as you have told it to us?

I'm assuming you have but thought I'd better check

Can you stay with him if he doesn't change?
Doesn't sound like you can take much more..

he doesnt sound that terrible. but you do.
why do you do everything?
leave the dishes there. leave the floor dirty. leave it all. let him come home and cook. just leave it.
when your baby is born, stay in hospital as long as you can.. ddont get up and about straight after having the baby.
stop working as well. let him be the breadwinner.let him pay thebills. you are taking care of the family and the home.
you cant change him, but you can change yourself.

lazybluealien - would you live in squallor ?because that is how it would end up, it wouldn't make a difference. I know this is partly my fault because I do of these things but am I so wrong to expect him/want him to contribute more than finacially.

Molesworth - I have yes, it hasn't been a recent thing, we seem to go through patches where we talk, he helps more but then we slip right back into this way of life again.

hoolagirl - I love him and that hasn't changed no matter how crap he is, sometimes I don't like him a great deal but I know I still love him. I don't think I could leave him, I don't want to leave him. i just want him to think about others rather than just himself all the time.

I don't know what to say, maybe you could do a bit less without living in squalor but less enough for him to notice?

Lots of men need telling what to do. There aren't many who just do. But he does need to grow-up a bit (then you wouldn't need to act like his mum)and stop acting like a single guy. Out 5 nights a week is a bit much and you should tell him so.

Put your feet up and let him cook when he comes in as promised.

I really feel for you hun.

I have ds who is 2.5, and dd who is 4 weeks tomorrow (so a very similar age gap to you as well.)

Since having ds I took over all cleaning and cooking, I'm a childminder so had to cook for minded kids too, dh was finishing his degree plus it was only last christmas that I was totally full time (before I did 37 hours, after christmas it was anywhere between 40 and 55) when I started doing over 40 hours, we split the cleaning (dh doing upstairs over the span of the week me doing downstairs) however this didn't really manifest as I was pregnant, and very ill for the first 18 weeks. So unless I fought to do it, no cleaning got done. Dh's opinion is if I don't do any, why should he.

Then we went back after my sickness spell to splitting it, although dh has never done his share. Once I got to 36 weeks (and working 50 hour weeks till my edd) I didn't have the energy to do any of it.. so again nothing got done. No cleaning. At all.

I've had dd, and am currently working roughly 16 hours a week, I havne't taken maternity leave. However, even though I'm bfing dd, looking after ds, and still working, dh thinks he's 'doing too much around the house' - he sometimes does the washing up. And that's it. Again, housework hasn't been done since she's born - I do a big tidy up every night, plus clean what's dirty eg kitchen and hygiene things, but that's it. And he makes comments about me only working part time, and sitting on my butt watching tv all day.

Sorry, I can't be helpful. I feel your pain I really do. I do sometimes have a bit of a sob thinking dh is wrecking the joy of being a new mum again for me (but that's another thread!)

Hang in there hun. Or, leave him if you are strong enough.

You're not wrong at all FL! It makes me that this man does not seem to want to participate in family life - he is being selfish and inconsiderate. And why the hell doesn't he want to spend time with your dd in the evening?! FFS you'd think he'd want to do her bath and read her a bedtime story.

rant over!

I do think LBA has a point in that if you continue to do everything he has no reason to change. But honestly in a respectful relationship he should be listening to you. And considering that you are 7.5 months pregnant, he should be looking after you better than this.

me & my friends have these discussions regularly!!!!!! men don;t seem to pick up on things that need doing - need specific direction ad instructions. You are pregnant, tired , looking after toddler and working - ask him to make the tea/ sweep the floor/ bathe daughter. When he asks when he should go to the gym , say - after you've bathed / read to /settled our daughter. ..! if he says he will cook when gets home, wait for him to come home and cook ( he won't know if you have a quick sarnie while he is out!! ) i do sympathise - i am at home with 14 mths old, son at school - DH thinks i drink tea and watch telly all day!! the house just magically tidies itself, washing is done by the washing fairy etc..

see if you can engineer a day off when he has to be in charge - how about a bad back?? your doctor says you must take to your bed for at least 24 hours and he must take over all the things you would do - will give him a greater understanding of the day to day efficient running of a house !

Its threads like this that make me realise how great my dp is and why ex's are ex's

you wont live in squalor.
but he wont change. he has no reason to change. he has his life exactly the way he wnats it. why should he?
im sorry i see m to have no sympathy. my dh is a complete git as well. but you do not seem to be helping yourself at all. he isnt going to start doing more just coz you want him to.

my dp is like that.things were the same for 6 years, then we broke up and he moved out.we are working at things at present, especially the get a job and stick to it part!! once our relationship is more secure and he wants to move back in it will be on the agreement that housework is shared, doing things with the kids is shared, everything is shared, if not he wont be moving back in.ive got two children, i dont need a thrid living here making more mess and leaving it all!!!
when he was here i wouldnt work as i wanted to stay at home and look after the children when they were little and also i knew that id come home and everything would still be the same as it was when i left, waiting for me to do it.thats a job in itself!
you need to really be firm and sit down and talk and make him realise that things cant go on like that anymore.my dp used to be out at his hobby 4 nights a week, not anymoer.ive made him compromise even though he's not living back here yet.he now knows it my way or the highway.
good luck.good luck with the baby too

i will reply to all comments but Molesworth - that is what hurts more than anything. I would quite happily carry on doing everything I do if DH jsut soent more time with DD. You are right, he doesn't want to particpate in family, he doesn't want to do anything that involved us. He wants to do what suits him and what suits him is going the gym 4 times a week and football twice a week.
I have told him that he does alot considering he is married with 2 kids but he doesn't see why he shouldn't - he says its not his fault i dont do anything and he wouldn't complain if I went out with my friends.

then go out with friends. especially now, as you wont be able to once the baby is born.
get out there, and leave him with the baby .
do it.

But I do just not to the extent he does. I will visit friends during the day with DD, I will go out with friends on a Saturday night maybe once every 6 weeks or so because I want to be with DD, I want to be with DH and I want to be a family

Do you know what makes me sad too - I don't think DH would be as useless with this baby as he is with DD if it's a boy. That makes me really sad for DD, it shouldn't make a difference but I guarantee he would instantly be more involved than he is now.

Just wanted to add you are not alone in this. My h is useless too, better now but at a huge cost to ourselves details of which I cannot go into here. I have to all intent purposes been a single parent for nearly 5 years. Unless you ask it doesn't get done no matter how obvious it is.

I once had an ex that didnt do anything but sleep, go out and sit on pc, my mum told me to stop cooking his meals, stop doing his washing and stop picking up after him, it only lasted a week! Maybe he would realise if you didnt do all these things for him, sit down with your dinner and a cuppa and put your feet up

FoghornLeghorn - I so feel for you. I can't comment on the uninvolved Dad bit, as that's one thing where my DH is great, but all the "if I ask him"s really struck a chord with me. It's exhausting carrying all the responsibility.

I'm not sure whether not doing stuff is the answer. A friend of mine tried that but it took THREE WEEKS for her DH to get the message. By that point, the house was pretty revolting, and he still needs reminding.

My solution is to try to find a cleaner, and to get a dishwasher (which in itself has made a huge difference, although it always seems to be me who loads it ). Of course, it's me that has to do the cleaner-finding, as he's 'not bothered' by the state of our house, but I'd rather do that than try to keep going like this.

I agree with one PP who said that when you have the next baby you should stay in hospital as long as possible. Definitely don't rush home, and don't fill the freezer with food, either!!! (bet you probably already have?!)

Many hugs and lots of sympathy to you. (If you want to know you're not alone, read "Wifework" by Susan Maushart at some point. She's a bitter woman, alas, but some of it is quite apt... oh and 'Life after Birth' by Kate Figes is also quite good on relationships after a baby...

When i was pregnant with DD he was brilliant, we cooked alternate nights, he helped out with all housework, he even attempted wahing a few times.

You would think he would realise it is slightly harder this time having DD already as well as being pregnant. I honestly think because I only work 22.5 hours a week he doesn't see he should help out

I will reply to everyone, its just DH will be home soon and we'll go through the whole sorry thing, he will apologise, tell me he knows he is lazy etc but will it all go back to usual tomorrow ?

We didn't talk last night about it.
He came in from the gym, I had just sat down from bathing DD and putting her to bed - he cooked dinner, we didn't really have much of a conversation, he asked me something, I answered him.
He woke up this morning and gave me a hug, asked if we could try and get on today - when I dind't reply he said "I did cook dinner last night, i am trying".

I have sent him a text message this morning saying that I know he cooked dinner last night and I do appreciate it but that was one thing in one day, I need him to do more. I don't mind him going to the gym but he needs to fit it in around DD because it is started to get harder for me to bath her every night. He needs to spend more time with DD, this is why she wont go to him, even if it is taking her to the park for an hour on a saturday while i get ready. I also said i do love him but i need him to do more.

Hopefully this wil ahve struck a cord - I am more likely to get through to him this way because he has time to think about it rather than me talking, him getting annoyed, me crying etc.

fglh - sit your dh down with a written schedule.

he comes home & clears up, makes dinner, clears up, bath & bed plus plays with dd. Write down all the jobs.

you put your feet up - tell him it's for the health of his unborn child.

he can go out to the gym later - when your dd is asleep in bed.

do this today - any probs go to your doc for a medical need to rest - if this is what it takes for your dh to get his act together

I understand your situation xxx

Well done FL, sounds like you dealt with it really well by waiting for him to be in a receptive mood. Fingers crossed, he will take this on board - let us know how you get on