My DH does nothing, no matter how many times I tell him, it never changes. I just don't know what to do now.

[FoghornLeghorn]

This has taken me so long to be able to write this thread - I have thought about it for months and months and months but I don't know what I expect to achieve by posting really. I don't need anyone to tell me how useless he is, I know that already too well, although I wont be offended if you do. I just don't know what to do, it never changes, he always says he will change and help more but it never lasts long and i always have to ask him to do things.

Today has just been another typical afternoon/evening so may as well use this a prime example.

He came in from work at 4p.m, he had been there since 7.30 this morning. I am working at home, have been all day since 8.30am with DD at home with me. He comes in, sits down looking through some brochure or another with DD constantly on at him "come and do this daddy, come and do that daddy" - He falls asleep. I was working until 5p.m but I was the one that kept going and seeing what DD wanted and giving her something else to try and keep her occupied for a while (she is 2.2 btw).
5pm comes, I finish work, cook DD's dinner, wash up dishes accumulated throughout course of the day, have a general tidy up, sit DD down for her dinner. While she eats her dinner I clean kitchen, sweep floor etc. When she finished her dinner, I clean up after that and wash her dishes.
All the while DH is asleep on the chair.
He then asks what time he should go to the gym - I just said do what you like, so he does, goes upstairs and gets his gym gear ready, now he's gone to the gym.
DD still needs bathing/getting settled for bed and our dinner still needs cooking, as he walked out the door he said he would cook when he gets home.

Writing it down this doesn't seem like a lot but this is an every day thing - I don't work everyday usually but i am this week and next, I usually only work 2.5 days whereas DH works 5 days.
He will sometimes cook when I ask him, he will sometimes bathe DD when I ask him, he will sometimes put DD to bed when* I ask him and he will sometimes help me tidy up when* I ask him*. He goes to the gym Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, he goes to football training on a Thursday and plays in a game on Sundays.

I am 7.5 months pregnant at the moment and its not that I feel i can't cope because I can, I know I can but why the hell should I - he is my husband, we have been together for 7 years nearly, our DD is 2 and we have another on the way, I have not done all of this by myself.

DD will not go to DH for anything, if she is upset she comes to me, if she is tired she comes to me, if she is poorly she comes to me, if she wakes in the night she only wants me. DH tries to get her to go to him but she is not interested. He has no quailty time with her, i suggested today when he got in from work that he take her to the park for half hour to get her out of the house, he just ignored me. I don't expect him to want to do a great deal when he gets home from work but then why should I do it all. At weekends we do things as a family, he never ever does things alone with her - this is obviously the reason she will not go to him.

Everything just seems such a mess but with such simple answers - I don't mind him having a social life, going to the gym, playing football etc, why shouldn't he, he works hard but yes sometimes I begrudge it when I am the one sat at home doing everything while he acts like a single bloke. If i stamp my feet and shout, he does things but I don't see why I should have to do that, he is an adult and i feel like I mother him, he does too because there are time he says that I should stop acting like his mum.

I just want a little bit of help - I just want him to offer to bathe DD, I just want him to be considerate and say he will go to the gym at 7.30 when DD is in bed and everything is clean and tidy.
Things are like this now, imagine what they will be like when we have a newborn too.
I am dreading the possibilty of staying in hospital this time as DD will be a nightmare, its not that she is clingy to me, because she isn't, she will go to my mum, my MIL etc.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense or if i have repeated things - I just feel a bit lost at the minute.

Milward that sounds like a great idea. I do believe he doesn't realise the extent of what I do sometimes, so I think this would really help.
I will put it all in writing today all the jobs I do throughout the day and evening and then we can agree to divvy them up between us.
Molesworth, I think he will, it's just a case of whether it lasts this time.
It always seems to resort back to him thinking I am trying to stop him from going to the gym/footie etc - somehow along the way, its gets lost that that is not what it is about.

hope it goes well xxx

it's easy for then to not see what needs to be done & just get on with their own things whilst home life just happens for them. A bit like us watching a play but not seeing the behind the scenes aspect.

Very true Milward.
And i do understand what lazybluealien was saying yesterday - if I continue to do all of these things DH is never going to see what needs to be done because it is always done for him.

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righytyho, not read everything as I have to rush off but:

first off, he needs to cut RIGHT down on his gym stuff - he goes every night????? That is when he is needed at home to help with dinner and bath time etc. 2 times a week MAX. The other 3 days he can play with dd ON HIS OWN and just sit and be with her.

Can he read the bedtime story? That will bring him closer to dd.

I had this conversation with dh - he cooks dinner and I used to clear up - but when I work, I have to sort out 3 pack lunches, prepare dds bags, my bag, clothes yadda yadda yadda and I found it was taking me an hour. So now he cooks dinner AND clears up. Moaned a bit, but he just wasn't aware of all the niglly little household things that need to be done to keep things moving (Twigglett did a thread on this the other day).

Also, you are pregnant and will be hormonal so he needs to be extra attentive.

Tell him tonight, cut down on the gym and when the next baby arrives, he can wave bye bye to sleeping on the sofa as well.

xx

sleeping on the sofa while you do stuff I mean

I think sometimes that you have to stop talking & start acting. You are knackered & your DH is acting like a selfish man - but you are being a martyr.
Hit him where it hurts. Tell him that you are exhausted and you need some extra help, so you are getting a cleaner & some extra childcare for DD.
Start making appointments to do things for when he comes in from work. Go for a swim so that he has to spend time with his daughter. Go and have a massage, go late night shopping - do anything but get out of the house.
I think you can talk until the cows come home but he has switched you off. You have become his nagging parent & as you are carrying on doing everything then he has no real incentive to get off his butt & help you.

FL, start slowly and build up.

This Saturday, book a hair appointment or get your nails done - just something - not for the full afternoon maybe, just for a few hours.

Some blokes are just not very confident about being alone with their kids - sad (and pretty pathetic if you ask me), but true.

Then 1 night next week around 5pm, announce you are going shopping for an hour.

My DP although diff in that he does 50/50 around the house, always played second fiddle to me where childcare was concerned. I took this approach and it worked.

Keep nibbling away at him and forcing him to be with DD and I think it will come.

Pruni - Although i have no clue what a cleaner would cost i am pretty sure we couldn't afford one.
We do lots of family things, every Saturday we do something as DH is out at football on a Sunday morning. We go to the park, the farm, swimming etc but the problem is him never doing anything with her on his own.

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Thanks OliveOil, Bugsy & Huw.

OO - The thing is I honestly don't mind him going to the gym so don't want to stop him but just want him to go after DD is settled in bed - surely I am still being more than fair by asking that of him ?
He can read her a bedtime story yes - I will suggest this to him.
Bugsy - you are right, he doesn't have to do anything because I do it all for him. I will start doing little things like popping out in the evenings so he has to spend time with DD.
Huw - He is perfectly able with DD but I do think he maybe thinks he isn't. I am definitely due a haircut so will get something booked.

I do agree with everything you are all saying and I will do these things but what I don't get is why I should have to force him to do these things - why doesn't he just want to (as far as DD is concerned), I do.

I honestly think my DP never realised just how much fun and how worthwhile it can be to do stuff with/for kids.

He does now.

Pruni, it may be a confidence thing, I'm not sure - although this doesn't explain the 6 times a week socialising. He has pretty much always done this, although I have suggested a few times that he gives up football as he does alot for himself what with going to the gym already, plus if he got seriously injured and couldn't work, we would be buggered.

I am concerned at how DD will react to the new baby, it is going to be something huge in her life which is why I ahve taken my maternity leave early so I have 7 weeks to spend with her before the baby is born, but maybe this is just going to drive more of a wedge between her and DH

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Don't be concerned at how dd will react to the new baby - dd1 was 22 months when dd2 arrived and was a little bit out of sorts initially but you will muddle through.

You need to get dh into a routine with dd now if possible, so he can carry it on when the new baby arrives, maybe he does the bedtime routine so you can be feeding baby or whatever. Or he makes her tea and sits at the table with her chatting, freeing you up with baby.

Hopefully if you can get them both doing this now, she will not feel that her routine has changed when baby arrives.

I agree with other posters about you making small appointments to do stuff, leaving dh with dd - just for an hour initially so he can become more confident.

Pruni - He is not happy at work and it has only just occured to me that this is probably having a knock on effect. He dislikes his job very much, we have spent alot of time looking for new jobs but there just aren't many opportunities for him at the minute - plus he knows he is going to have to support 4 people completely in a few weeks time - Maybe this is effecting him more than I realise ?

Olive - that's a good idea - If DH starts doing DD's bedtime routine with her now she wont notice a big change when the baby comes along. Although DD feeds herself at mealtimes I always sit with her to supervise, DH could start doing this too.

Do you know what, I think I might even show him this thread to try and make him understand

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why dont you just tell him that bathtime and bedtime is his job. 1 kid 2 kids 16 kids - bathtime and bed time his job. after which he can go to gym.

theres nothing difficult about that to remember.

that would seem like a fair split to me - he does work all day

what is unfair is his out of the house time.

you need at least 2 days out away from kids

maybe even the gym?

if you dont do this now - believe me you will sit down in a heap and wonder where your life has gone.

he seems to have one.

if his job is his work and your job is the kids

he gets his down time at the gym - where do you get your time?

dont resent him for doing tuff - you should do.

he will never be able to look after the kids unless you leave him to it

custardo speaks wise words.

Custy, you do always give great advice.

I am going to talk to DH and ask that he does bathtimes from now on.

I don't resent the fact that he does things and has a life and I know if I wanted to do those things then he wouldn't mind at all - he is quite happy to sit in of an evening while I go out (but I do usually bath DD and put her to bed first).
I will start going to the gym in the new year, I went on a regular basis before falling pregnant this time but then again, I always went after DD was in bed.

if you dont do this now - believe me you will sit down in a heap and wonder where your life has gone
I know I will, which is why i want it sorted once and for all.

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You sound utterly exhausted and fed up and I am totally with you. I am angry that we are having to suggest all kinds of ways and means that you really shouldn't have to do - but I believe you will have to.

I understand that you want to be together as a family, but you also want him to be a truly involved parent with your dd and new lo, and you also want a partner pulling his weight in the household. I would totally agree about getting OUT of the house, it is the only way. Once every six weeks is just not good enough!! You don't have to go anywhere expensive - do you have a mate you can ask to go and lie in her spare room for a bit, does your library do a late evening, does anywhere locally have a cafe and a late night opening? If you are in the house, you will end up offering to do things with dd because he looks 'so tired' or has fallen asleep. Go out, enjoy yourself if you can, come back with a smile, and appreciate him having time with dd. I'd be surprised if he's done any house stuff while you're out, but don't rush round and do stuff he's forgotten, just leave it until the next day.

This is the approach I would take . If you want to talk about it, I would get into a reminiscing mood about the newborn days with dd, and try to get him to think about what he will do with dd while you are FULL TIME looking after that newborn.

Oh, and sorry to pick you up on this - it is not at all too much to ask that he goes to the gym after seeing to dd. But you didn't ask him, you told him it was fine to do what he liked. I know you didn't mean that - you wanted him to spend time with dd and go later, but didn't want to order him around. When he asks 'is it OK if I go out now' say to him 'well, what do you think?' Throw it back to him.

OH, and PS - gym membership or a cleaner? I'd take the cleaner, it'll cost less. Tell him to take up running, it's a lot cheaper. Or scrubbing floors is very good exercise.

Thanks Acnebride, your post it bang on - particularly the last part. I told him to do what he likes because I don't want to pester him and nag him and make him not want to be at home but it would have been so much easier if he said "i'm going to be going to the gym at some point, is there anything I can do before I go"

That's all it takes

Mellowma Sorry we're in the same boat

I think it is really difficult for many men to appreciate how much work is involved in running a house/looking after children if they have never had proper responsibility for it. (My DH is generally quite good, but he had a real wake up call when he spent 6 months as a part-time SAHD). I really sympathise with you. If your DH works all week, he should be spending atleast a few hours at the weekend spending quality one on one time with your DD. (This is far less than working mums with stay at home partners would do). I think your DH needs to find out how hard you work. You are very pregnant - could your midwife 'advise' you to have a couple of day's rest each week (so your DH does most of the DD childcare at the weekend) for the next few weeks? Clean your bedroom, put fresh sheets on the bed, buy some magazines/books and let them get on with it.

So what if he has to miss a bit of football? You have probably had to stop doing quite a few things you like doing over the last 7.5 months - its time for him to make the odd sacrifice too. Acnebride's post is spot on too - it is NOT necessary to go to the gym to stay fit - buy him a book of Canadian airforce exercises.