the ex is at it again!!

[crazylady321]

Hi I have posted on 2 seperate occasions before regarding my partners ex whom he has a 7 year old son with, she was making it very hard to see his son once he moved in with me all which ive spoken about so dont really want to go into all the details again as the access issue is sorted and have had 3 weeks of lovely visits off the little boy.

Anyhow our peace has been short lived, he dropped him off Sunday evening after an over night stay and then taken him out on Sunday she asked my OH if he could give her 80 to get school uniforme.. Now before you all say hes his father he should pay it. At the start of holidays OH asked her if she needed any extra money for uniforme (hes always helped out every year) she said no but if he could help her out with buying him some extra summer clothes and new trainers etc has he had had a growth spurt and was short of clothes, she made point of saying she had budgetted to get his uniforme 2 weeks before he goes back out of her child benefit and that the other clothes were a priority. He didnt hand her the money (due to in the past shes not bought what she said she was) but he took his son out and let him choose his own clothes and trainers and he got him some bits for at our house spent well over 100.

He has told her he doesnt have the money to give her as not pay day for another 2 weeks so shes got in a strop. Has phoned him yesterday ranting that hes putting his unborn baby before his son, I heard the conversation and he wasnt getting a word in he hung up on her in the end, to which she sent a txt saying hes caught nits from my kids!!! No lie!! My kids were with their dad during his stay this week so unless I have them in the house not quite sure how hes got nits from here I havent seen any of the kids itching or the boy either, so im thinking its just a petty come back.

I know I have no place to be annoyed but its saddening seeing how my OH is having to put up with it, he had been so much happier with having sorted the access out and now hes been in a bad mood again since yesterday. And to make matters worse his mum had bought him a coat not long ago in the sales that the ex was apparently putting away for school but a coat was one of the things she says she needs!

I realise this is another long ranting post and its a bit pathetic really but the thought of having to have dealings with this woman for the next 10 years or so is a really depressing thought, I know I dont have to have direct contact with her but everytime she does or says something its me who has to put up with OHs mood swings and to try and cheer him up

"Sorry, but the problem is not about money"

Of course it bloody well is. That's pretty much all you've posted about in this thread. The only problem here is that you appear to resent the child's mother for asking for something, which to a dispassionate outsider, appears to be altogether quite reasonable. School clothes or money for them in addition to a measly 33 quid a week.

Whether she has a working husband, other children, money for nights out and cigs is neither here nor there.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted - im sorry but at end of the day it may seem on surface im botherd about money but you dont know the other crap hes had off her. I do resent her ashamed to say , id love to not care but when she ringing him giving abuse down the phone and then more or less slagging my house off im going to take offence, perhaps if she conducted herself in a better manner she might get farer. Money is just tip of the iceberg
The boy is not going to go without that is obvious she knows very well that if OH couldnt give her stuff his parents would.

If the £33 is what the CSA have said then he is paying the right amount. Posters can complain and say he should be paying more, however this is what has been assessed.

He pays for things when he has contact.

If the ex is on benefits then she will be getting child benefit, tax credit etc all on top.

It's not as if he didn't offer to help with the uniforms. The ex said she would rather him help with other things, which he did. Now she wants money for uniforms aswell.

What exactly do people what? Him to pay over all if his wage?

£33 a week is a pittance. Sorry. School uniform and PE kit is v. expensive. Particularly if the school stipulates wearing some of their own branded stuff (as opposed to the supermarket stuff.) Plus winter coat and two pairs of shoes, school bag and PE bag. I think he needs to take a list of everything she needs for the child, where its meant to be bought, and try and go and get it on a fraction of the £33. Because the £33 a week is also meant to also go towards food, accommodation, heating, water, electricity, gas, travel, school trips, treats etc. So what does that leave for school uniform per week - 50p - if that?

I've just spent £700.00 on a new secondary uniform with PE kit. There were no other options i.e. supermarket stuff.

Her husband isn't there to support your partner's child. That's what your partner should be doing. Though it sounds like the new husband probably is supporting him, if she's only getting £33 per week for him from your partner.

I also think that you should leave it to them to sort out. I'm sure that you have struggled in the past, and others are now; but it sounds like she may also be struggling if she is having to use Child Benefit etc for paying for uniform.

No, £33 isn't much but the CSA have to leave NRP with a certain amount of money each month after bills, rent and utiltiies are paid. I'm sure in this case it's been calculated and the OP hasn't said she begrudges the money so stop bitching at her for what's out of her control.

However, OP, the point is - that's his son. If she's selling things to fund uniforms, she's obviously struggling and your DP should be helping out when he can. Uniform is really expensive and if you have the spare cash, it should go towards supporting his son.

I'm not saying the ex is perfect (we have issues with DP's ex so I know what it can be like and it's not easy), BUT he needs to support his son financially, whether he likes his ex or not. He has a duty to his child, and while she's his primary caregiver, that duty of care may have to go through her, but he needs to do the right thing as a parent and step up, whether he pays directly for uniform or gives her the money, it's for his son's benefit at the end of the day, not hers.

Maybe since she winds you up, you should leave it to him to deal with her?

Jeez, will some of you lay off the OP and RTFT?

What he pays weekly in support is irrelevant. OP's problem is that the ex told him she had budgeted for school uniform, asked him to buy other stuff (which he did) and THEN came back and expected more cash for uniform at little or no notice and only a few days before school is due to re-start. THEN she kicked off cos OP's OH didn't have it to hand!

OP I don't think YABU at all, and I totally understand why, when your OH has been stressed out by the ex and is taking it out on you, you need to vent here.

Have some and - sounds like you need it!

Ah, I missed the mood swings bit. That does make it harder, if she winds him up, too.

It might be worth him saying no phone calls to her. Communication by text or email only. That makes it harder for her to rant - or at least means he and you can control if you listen.

And it's okay to say, "No. I'm sorry, I asked you about uniform and you said no. I had the money then; I don't have it now." That is absolutely fine. The great thing about her being the ex is that he can walk away - her rants are not his business.

Also it's not just 33/week, the mothers share of 33/week will make it 66/week for the DS which is 286/mth. We seem to forget that the fathers' contribution can be taken as half, he isn't paying 100% for the child, the DM must chip in also.

The OP didn't say there weren't going to pay for the uniform, she said they didn't have the money until pay day!

YANBU OP at all, your DP seems to be paying his way and doesn't begrudge doing so. If the money isn't there, it isn't!

FUcking hate threads about anything involving maintenance because it doesnt matter how much the NRP pays, it is always a pittance according to the MN massive.

Regardless of your personal feelings the CSA have decided that this is how much he should pay, and if the ex is that much of a PITA then I dont blame him for going through them.

The issue as I understand it is that she said she didnt want money for uniform but to buy him summer clothes, so the father did that. Then the mother says "Now you have bought him all his summer clothes, I want more money off you for uniform". Thats not on.

And actually he is not legally required to do any of that, the CSA would say that she should use her maintenance for it. Many many exes dont pay a penny above the CSA minimum and would laugh in your face if you said they should pay for uniforms etc, I know because my ex is one of them.

The maintenance issue is nothing to do with the OP, she is pissed off at her husband being verbally abused and contact being used a weapon against him. I dont blame her, the ex sounds like a bitch.

The maintenance issue is nothing to do with the OP, she is pissed off at her husband being verbally abused and contact being used a weapon against him. I dont blame her, the ex sounds like a bitch.

This ^^ Is exactly how i read it
OP this happens here all the time, i'd pull the plug on phonecalls too, that was good advice by a pp, text or email only.

I'm with the ex £33 is not enough and he should be paying towards the uniform.

Well done Imarried! Spectacular missing of the point there!

Do you suppose he gives over all his wage then? If you read the OP he offered to, ex said know the Dac needs other things, so he paid for them and now she wants money for uniform as well.

He has actually said he would contribute but couldn't until pay day! What is wrong with that?

*DC

And to the "£33 is not enough" crowd.....

What if he is on NMW? Do you know how little that is?!

I am in a very similar situation. I dont think YABU not at all. Men get a very bad name on here. My DP pays double what CSA advise. Also we have to provide clothes while here as ex will send them in pjs. Ex constantly asks for money saying because I work we can afford this. We have given money in the past for school bags 30 quid per DSS bag and found out she bought 5 pound one's ebay. His ex sounds horrible claiming nits.

£33 a week from Dad, equal amount and child benefit from Mum would equal nearly £90 a week to keep a primary aged child should be enough. If the NRP has overnight contact with a child then the argument that the RP has to maintain a larger house to accommodate the child is invalid as the NRP also has to maintain a larger house to have the child to stay. If Dad bought the child his summer wardrobe then Mum buying the uniform seems reasonable and in any case money and contact should not be interlinked - children are not pay per view. If my DH had taken that attitude them my DSSs would never had seen their Mum.

Pink balloon - sorry? You've just paid £700 on school uniform? £700? Is your child going to Eton?
No way. I've just bought 3 shirts @ £5 . Trousers would be same, x 2. Tie £2.50. Badge same. Blazer was £30 m&s. PE kits prob about £20 (polo shirts, shorts). Maths kit £2.50 in tesco. Pencil case same.
Blazer was the most exp item; nothing is gold-plated. £700 is ludicrous.

Thanks to those of you who have got and understood my point of view. Think a lot of you have jumped on the men bashing band wagon, would be interesting to know how many of you have actually been in a similar situation!!

Yes would love to leave them to it and sort their son out but when hes living in my house and taking abusive phone calls im finding it hard to take a back seat tbh.

Anyway he has taken my advice and asked her for a list of what he needs for school and shes saying now he only needs shoes and full PE kit she has apparently bought everything else last week and claims she never asked him for 80 she was just bringing up she needed that amount for both school children, the coat MIL had bought him has turned up aswell very conviniently. Will be purchasing the items during our Thursday shop there was me thinking I was going a week without buying any uniform . Im very suss though all seems very convinient to me but will not dwell no doubt Ill only get bashed

captainmummy - Im like you Ive kitted 4 children out for under 200 Asda is a godsend :). I went over board when my eldest 2 started so ive ended up with loads of hardly worn bits and pieces so a lot of hand me downs going on. Ive also managed to purchase my eldest dd and ds bnwt coats off ebay both for under 10 each including delivery

Can I just ask as im not that fluant in forum talk what does NRP and NMW and YABU stand for ?

NRP = Non Resident Parent
NMW = National Minimum Wage
YABU = You Are Being Unreasonable

Thanks, gosh your all clued up

Captain Mummy. Yes, you read that right! £700. Secondary school uniform plus sports kits for 3 different school sports - all of which have to be purchased. Has to be from school suppliers. No option of using the supermarkets. Thats why I'm saying take it easy on this woman (the ex.) Its an incredibly expensive process kitting out children for school, whether at £100, £200 or £700 etc. And she will no doubt have had her hands in her purse the entire summer holidays with children off school, as other mothers will have, so no doubt money will be flying out everywhere.