DH resents me being a sahm

[MillyONaire]

Since having DD 12 years ago I have been fortune enough to be a sahm. It was not planned or intended to be this way but we'd moved to a rural area and I had not managed to find work. It has worked out well though as DH is self employed and works very long hours - often 7 days a week. For the past 18 months though I have been applying for jobs - I have helped out in DH's business over the years, have done voluntary work and a few courses too so my cv is not as stagnant as it could've been. However I have not even got to interview stage. DH keeps making snide remarks about how easy I have it and sarcastic remarks about how life must be so hard lying around all day. FWIW he does nothing around the house and very little re our DC. Fair enough: he is at work most of the time and yes, I am lucky to be able to play with the DC but I rarely get time to myself and never get to meet up with friends without dc in tow. I love being at home but accept that when the youngest starts school I will enjoy working too (fingers crossed I will get a job). I don't know how to handle dh's resentment. When I say he does nothing around the house I mean if he opens a drawer he doesn't even close it - if he makes a sandwich he will leave all the accoutrements on the worktop. If I nag him he will clear it away bar crumbs but it will usually lead to a row so often I say nothing. Thing is, pre DC when we both worked, he wasn't much different. My self confidence is taking a hammering with the lack of response from jobs so I am currently feeling quite guilty about being at home but I am also beginning to really dislike this man-child to whom I am married!

The person who starts the thread is the person who wants advice and support. If the partner/husband/whatever wanted advice and support they would find it in their own way, maybe here, probably not.

OP, I suspect that your h is working 7 days a week because he finds it more fun than spending time with his children and his wife, and having to do chores, rather than for business reasons.

I suspect also that he will be exactly the same no matter what you do, working or not working.

You and he need to talk, a long talk, over probably a few days. Maybe even go to couple counselling.

No matter how many hours a person works, they are still capable of closing a drawer for themselves. That he can't says a hell of a lot.

Difficult situation. Just out of interest, whose idea was it to move to the rural area? What was the thought process behind it? (Sorry, I have RTT, but maybe missed that bit)

Some ideas for jobs for you: presuming your area is a bit touristy as well: cleaning holiday cottages, working in tea rooms, working in local co-op, costcutter etc, casual farm work .....

Sorry if that list sounds patronising, but you did say you were considering anything and weren't being choosy! If you've already been applying for stuff like that then that's weird that you're not getting anywhere ... I guess you need to get someone to look over your CV.

About your DH ... yes I agree he's being a twat not clearing up after himself, but I'm really noticing the double standards on here. If a woman posted and said I work 7 days a week, my partner has become a SAHP for 12 years by default - we didn't agree for him to be a SAHP, the plan always was for us both to work' I suspect she would be met with masses of sympathy, cries of cocklodger, and suggestions of not doing anything at all to help in the house.

So you've been paying the bills from your private income, while he 'works really hard' as an excuse not to do any housework or childcare. What sort of work does he do? Is it, by any chance, one of these 'jobs' that's really more of a wanky hobby, because he's too 'special' to take on an ordinary one?

This isn't a case of him being the heroic hero who supports the family single-handed, is it?

Typica, most of the jobs you mention involve working on a weekend in the day time........

yes. what wildbill said

OP have you considered child minding?

Is there no way he could employ you properly so that you could share the work? Then you'd have current employment on your CV.

I feel your pain OP. I have been self employed for 5 years, and really want a 'proper' part time job, but am getting nowhere.

Typical I don't think there would be calls of cocklodger since the OP has been looking after their DCs and living off her own income.

Chunderella - yep, they're like a magnet to the hard of thinking!

Chunderella I think you'll be waiting a long time for that link

Looking at responses to my post, I concede that I may have been too harsh, but do feel that 12 years of working more than full-time while partner was SAHP contrary to plans would make me be - albeit maybe irrationally - resentful.

Do you have something like a small farm OP? That would explain why he works 7 days a week, and why there's not much money in it.

Or if he has something like a cafe or touristy shop which opens 7 days a week and you are unpaid labour then that's not on. You should be a partner in the business.

Or maybe SGB has nailed it, i.e. wanky hobby.

Difficult to say without the details whether he's a tosser or someone under a lot of stress keeping the money coming in.

What are your skills?
What hours could you reasonably work once your youngest starts school?
Can you work within the family business so DH does a 5 day week and is a more reasonable person to live with
What do you need to earn to make it worth your while/pay for childcare etc?

It's not clear from your post:

Whether DH has any reasonable justification for his resentment - given your inheritance has paid the mortgage, I'd say not really.
Whether you actually want/need a job or just simply feel that you should contribute an additional income to the family pot.
Whether you actually want advice on how to handle a husband who doesn't pull his weight in even the smallest way at home; never mind how to manage it all with a job too.