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Original poster

DH resents me being a sahm

89 replies

MillyONaire · 26/08/2014 09:57

Since having DD 12 years ago I have been fortune enough to be a sahm. It was not planned or intended to be this way but we'd moved to a rural area and I had not managed to find work. It has worked out well though as DH is self employed and works very long hours - often 7 days a week. For the past 18 months though I have been applying for jobs - I have helped out in DH's business over the years, have done voluntary work and a few courses too so my cv is not as stagnant as it could've been. However I have not even got to interview stage. DH keeps making snide remarks about how easy I have it and sarcastic remarks about how life must be so hard lying around all day. FWIW he does nothing around the house and very little re our DC. Fair enough: he is at work most of the time and yes, I am lucky to be able to play with the DC but I rarely get time to myself and never get to meet up with friends without dc in tow. I love being at home but accept that when the youngest starts school I will enjoy working too (fingers crossed I will get a job). I don't know how to handle dh's resentment. When I say he does nothing around the house I mean if he opens a drawer he doesn't even close it - if he makes a sandwich he will leave all the accoutrements on the worktop. If I nag him he will clear it away bar crumbs but it will usually lead to a row so often I say nothing. Thing is, pre DC when we both worked, he wasn't much different. My self confidence is taking a hammering with the lack of response from jobs so I am currently feeling quite guilty about being at home but I am also beginning to really dislike this man-child to whom I am married!

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 26/08/2014 17:56

It is easy to say you are working 7 days a week when you are self employed. I bet if he was in paid employment he'd get more done in less time and still find other things to do which would mean he was far too busy to do domestic and parenting stuff.

MillyONair I am not in the slightest bit surprised you are getting fed up of this man child. He actually sounds like a middle aged man who has failed to realise he's in 2014, not 1954.

Lying around all day? I don't suppose he has ever looked after the children for any length of time? Fuckwit. Given you still have a pre-schooler, when exactly did he want you to go back to work and who was going to be doing the running around after all the children given that they don't start driving when they start school Hmm and you live rurally??

A grown man who leaves a trail of muck behind him because wifey will clean it up needs a bloody good telling. Arrogant wanker.

BookABooSue · 26/08/2014 17:56

I seem to be missing something but OP doesn't say her DP resents working long hours or being out of the house a lot. She said her DP resents her for being at home (and he wasn't much different when she was working). It doesn't necessarily follow that he hates working or is resentful that he has to work.

He might like working. He might be deliberately extending his time out of the home so he doesn't have to spend time helping with the DCs and the household drudgery.

We won't know unless the OP provides more information.

Tadla · 26/08/2014 17:57

How do you work when you can't get a job though? Op is not wilfully avoiding getting a job.

Its a very hard situation if you've been in it. It took me 16 months to get a job that i broke even with after paying for fuel and childcare.

You cant just magic a job from nowhere.

I would have huge empathy for a man who couldn't get a job if he was trying. Really, I would.

If my DH hated his job so much, I would support him in taking a lower paid job.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 26/08/2014 17:58

viviennemary & Daisy are you both on glue?

The OP has been at home looking after their children - not having ladies lunches and spa days FFS.

Viviennemary · 26/08/2014 18:00

It's a poor show when people have to resort to personal insults. I will leave you to your debate and glue sniffing.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 26/08/2014 18:02

he resents it when I read while he's watching tv because he'd prefer me to be watching with him

Does he ever suggest doing something you would both enjoy doing or does he just think you should watch whatever he chooses like a good little wifey? Let me guess...

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 26/08/2014 18:03

Double standards? Don't be ridiculous. The response would have been exactly the same if he had been a sahp.
Well done on citing the overused 'double standards' argument in the most spurious context I have ever encountered though

Philoslothy · 26/08/2014 18:08

i am not excusing the husband for being lazy or rude but while resent is a strong word i know that my husband has moments of envy as he has to go out to work while I potter about at home and.socialise. That may have turned into resentment if for twelve years he worked long hours seven days a week while i was at home.

WildBillfemale · 26/08/2014 18:40

It has worked out well though as DH is self employed and works very long hours - often 7 days a week.

There's the problem - it may have worked out well for you but H is resentful at having to work such long hours and I can't blame him, he must be knackered.

If you aren't getting interviews ask someone objective to look over your CV, Don't just send out the same CV for each position but tailor it for each post you apply for. Be realistic over jobs you are likely to have success getting. Everyone wants a job they like with a nice salary but you may have to compromise a bit.

Twinklestein · 26/08/2014 18:54

Who's forcing him to work 7 days a week though?

It depends what his business is. If he's just getting it off the ground, or he's not very efficient at running it then I can see it might take up 7 days.
But may just be a workaholic.

I've set up many different businesses. I worked like that in my 20s but I didn't have a family then.

Chunderella · 26/08/2014 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrightestBulbinBox · 26/08/2014 19:27

So sorry you find anyone trying to see the other partner's perspective "tedious and boring". What with this being a relationship section and all.Hmm

WildBillfemale · 26/08/2014 19:27

Gosh, some recent threads on MN seem to have slipped into a parallel world where the purpose of every thread is to try to find fault in the OP rather than to support them

Support isn't telling the OP what they want to hear it's giving an objective view based on the stated facts.

Too many women seem to have a sense of entitlement that everything should revolve around them. I suspect because they know that if the marriage ends they'll still be in the family home with the kids, The H will have to move out so their attitude becomes my way or off you go.

Joysmum · 26/08/2014 19:28

I really feel for you. My. dD has just turned 12 too and this year I've been studying like mad to get qualified ASAP to try and start earning again. For me, I decided going self employed was my best option so I could have the flexibility to continue to work around my DH's long unpredictable hours and save time on commuting too.

It's taking a lot of adjustment for DH (who is supportive and DOESN'T resent me not working and would be perfectly happy for me never to return to work) to get used to having to shoulder the burden of doing some of the chores that running a house requires.

From the attitude your DH has shown, I can't help but think you're going to struggle when you do get work because my guess is he'll expect your working to have no affect on his life when in reality it'll increase his burden because he'll need to do extra hours at home as well as work.

glenthebattleostrich · 26/08/2014 19:28

Daisy turns up on every thread like this playing devils advocate (I'm trying to be kind and polite).

A friend of mine was a SAHP for 12 years. Her DH expected her to do everything 7 days a week. He then started complaining she was working and didn't have enough time at home. With a little attitude adjustment they salvaged their marriage, but it took a lot of work.

Personally I don't think he will value what you do regardless of where you work (in or out of the home).

Twinklestein · 26/08/2014 19:32

Too many women seem to have a sense of entitlement that everything should revolve around them.

Seriously?

Twinklestein · 26/08/2014 19:35

Anyway, I can see why DH is unhappy and resentful, working those hours. What I don't get is how OP working would help him

He hasn't factored in that if the OP works FT he will have to do more at home. He will then be resentful when he discovers that OP can't work FT and do all the chores and childcare.

He's going to be resentful whichever the setup.

Joysmum · 26/08/2014 19:45

I see the usual suspects are out who simply are out to bash and pick fights.

I think the key thing with this thread is in trying to help the OP find a way forwards, not bash for the past.

Pliudev · 26/08/2014 19:48

Here's what I think: do what you can about this situation ASAP. I was in the same position, let it drag on for years and found myself unemployable and a resentful drudge. My husband is now retired and still does next to nothing in the house. Maybe it's time to sit down and talk about why he needs to work 7 days a week? If it's because he's desperate to earn enough he might actually appreciate your input if you can find paid employment. If that's impossible in your area then could it be time to relocate? Whatever happens you need to be honest with yourself and with him about what you want.

areyoubeingserviced · 26/08/2014 19:49

The thing is that the op's husband is a man who will always find a reason to snipe. If she gets a job, he will moan about the state of the house etc
However , I don't get the feeling that the OP is desperate enough to get a job. I could be wrong . Maybe her dh feels that she is not trying hard enough to get a job and the man is probably knackered.

MsAnthropic · 26/08/2014 19:54

On a practical note re your jobsearch: if you've been looking for work for 18 months and not getting to interview stage, then there probably is something about what you're doing that could need to be changed.

It could that you need some feedback on your CV so that it can be rewritten/tweaked or it could be the jobs you're applying for - assuming there are actually any jobs close enough to where you live. Have you sought advice/feedback on your CV and have you asked the agents/companies you're applying to for full and honest feedback?

Chunderella · 26/08/2014 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BookABooSue · 26/08/2014 21:39

wildbill I'm glad you agree that sticking to the stated facts should be the aim and hope that will be your approach from now on.

Original poster
MillyONaire · 26/08/2014 22:11

Interestingly enough I never did say he was the sole earner as that had not occured to me to mention. I have a private income from an inheritance so I have contributed well over those 12 years - I have paid our full mortgage for the past 3 years and a large chunk of a deposit on our house but he is still under pressure because of the fall off in his business as a result of the recession and even a modest regular income from my (potential) job would make a difference to the comfort of our standard of living. Our youngest child is about to start school. We live in a very rural area. He will not (and realistically cannot - easily- because of other commitments) move to another area. Re my job hunt, well, I am applying for EVERYTHING - I am not above anything (except something which require me to work weekend day time) but our rural area is very hard hit and jobs are thin on the ground. He likes his job and is very very good at it - he just doesn't like being under pressure but is the type that will stress even when there is no need to. He has NO responsibilities re the DC - he doesn't discipline, worry about education or school problems- I try to shoulder as much responsibility as possible bearing in mind his work. I don't think he resents his job - he won't consider another, I just think he'd like me to be by his side all the time taking over the stuff he doesn't want to deal with!
Anyway what I see in your responses is that he won't change Sad but maybe my own guilt at being at home when I should be working is helping confirm his resentment. Thing is, I do try to make my time with my kids count, we do things together all the time: walks, hiking, swimming, games, baking and so on that I know my child minder friends don't do with their charges so I do feel that my 12 years have been massively beneficial to our DC. Maybe I need to change my attitude......

OP posts:
BeCool · 26/08/2014 22:19

Imagine you found a job Milly (not that it sounds like you need one) - how do you see your H's attitude towards you changing? Would he start contributing to the house and parenting? Or would there simply be an extra burden added to your load?

I'm getting the impression he would be resenting you whatever you were doing, if not for one reason then for another.