DH resents me being a sahm

[MillyONaire]

Since having DD 12 years ago I have been fortune enough to be a sahm. It was not planned or intended to be this way but we'd moved to a rural area and I had not managed to find work. It has worked out well though as DH is self employed and works very long hours - often 7 days a week. For the past 18 months though I have been applying for jobs - I have helped out in DH's business over the years, have done voluntary work and a few courses too so my cv is not as stagnant as it could've been. However I have not even got to interview stage. DH keeps making snide remarks about how easy I have it and sarcastic remarks about how life must be so hard lying around all day. FWIW he does nothing around the house and very little re our DC. Fair enough: he is at work most of the time and yes, I am lucky to be able to play with the DC but I rarely get time to myself and never get to meet up with friends without dc in tow. I love being at home but accept that when the youngest starts school I will enjoy working too (fingers crossed I will get a job). I don't know how to handle dh's resentment. When I say he does nothing around the house I mean if he opens a drawer he doesn't even close it - if he makes a sandwich he will leave all the accoutrements on the worktop. If I nag him he will clear it away bar crumbs but it will usually lead to a row so often I say nothing. Thing is, pre DC when we both worked, he wasn't much different. My self confidence is taking a hammering with the lack of response from jobs so I am currently feeling quite guilty about being at home but I am also beginning to really dislike this man-child to whom I am married!

That's not a job - that's cleaning up after your untidy husband. There is nothing there defines that as work - and if you read the MN pages they are full of women working f/t AND tidying up after their families. That's why she needs to have a full and frank discussion with her husband about what he expects, and what she expects from him when she finds a job.

If your children are in secondary education you should be working or re-training for work. Do make it clear that a working wife is not a domestic servant - you'll need help in the house - he can do it himself or pay for cleaners and childcare.

I'm surprised at some of the responses in support of OP's dh. His snide comments are just nasty. Being a sahm is not lying on the sofa, it is childcare. The people who care for my child while I'm at work are people doing a job. Regardless of whether you agree or not, OP is trying to get a job so what the fuck is his problem?
Even if he is exhausted and does hate his job, he is being nasty and lazy.

I suggest you reply calmly with something like, "Sarcastic comments won't help me find a job." And try leaving the room when he's being unreasonable.

I would say don't tidy up after him, but I know from experience that that is impossible, because it's your house too and you don't want to live in a hovel! You could try being a broken record saying, "I'm your wife, not your servant," but as you say, it'll probably cause a row.

Alter the title of the thread in your head, so it says, "DH resents working long hours." Does that sum up the situation equally well? Is he disillusioned with his lot in life, or is his disillusionment more directed at you?

Having said all these suggestions, I'll warn you that you can't change him. Only he can decide to change. Just be careful that your self-esteem doesn't get ground down.

A working parent is quite within their rights to be unhappy to be the sole earner if they didn't choose that path. HOWEVER, the way to fix this is to have an adult conversation, along the lines of:

"I'm finding the pressure of being the sole earner too much, I'd like it if we both worked. However, I appreciate that you've been trying to find a job and haven't succeeded. What can I do to help you find work, if anything?

Also, I appreciate that you going back to work will mean that childcare needs to be organised and that we will have to re-organise how domestic tasks are distributed so that you don't have too much on your plate".

What the OP's DH seems to be saying is "you're lazy and should get a job. Make a sandwich while you're at it".

There's a world of difference. As others have said, OP, your DH sees you as an appendage, and he's prefer you to be one that also brings home money. Have you discussed how the distribution of domestic chores would change or the costs of childcare vs how much you'd bring home? Have those things even entered his head or does he just see them as "your problem"?

Being a SAHP is nothing like childcare. If I paid for childcare, I'd expect my child to be entertained and early years educated. It's nothing like being home with your own children at all where friends may come over, you go food shopping etc.

Millions work and do the housework, some with children and some not. If it were a job then most people have two.

Why surprised at the support for the DH, the OP says he is resentful at having to work so much and that he never agreed to be the sole supporter much less than to have to do it for twelve years. Does he have to put up and shut up as the OP likes being home and it suits her? Yes, there's a way of saying things which he needs to work on but the OP doesn't sound sympathetic in any way to the life he has to endure.

I must say if I was responsible for all the bills and worked long hours I wouldn't be pleased if my partner didn't get a job. This arrangement is fine as long as both people agree to it. But it's not fine if one person is unhappy with the situation.

Or even if both people are unhappy with it, which is the case here.

I'm surprised at the support because he's being an arse and making comments about her doing nothing all day. She isn't doing nothing, she's looking after children and trying to find a job. He should be supportive of that. What more can she do?!

I read that when you moved, you hadn't been able to find work due to the area. Now you are in the same area, have been applying for 18 months and have not been able to find work.

It's not clear what happened between when you moved and today - did you have more children, or was there another reason you gave up the job hunt?

Lot of unknowns in your OP make it difficult for people to know why your husband is reacting to your job hunting this way. Did he express concern when you couldn't find a job and had a time in mind where you'd start again or maybe retrain?

I'm surprised that her arsey DH is being supported on here as well. Agree with Greybush. The OP is at his beck and call running around after him and their children, 7 days a week no doubt and long after he's finished work. And she is trying to find a job....like he wants her to. It's all about his wants, and not the ops at all.

Gosh, some recent threads on MN seem to have slipped into a parallel world where the purpose of every thread is to try to find fault in the OP rather than to support them

I'm unclear how many hours your DP works, how many DCs you have and how much leisure time both you and your DP have. All of those issues impact.

However, you shouldn't feel guilty about being at home if you're trying to get a job. Can you offer more support in your DP's business to rebuild your confidence, help the business and add to your CV? Have you tried attending a back into work course? Have you considered freelancing as a way back into the workplace?

I'm not really focusing on your DP resenting you because actually that's outwith your control. You're feeling vulnerable to his criticisms because your confidence is low so I'd concentrate on building it back up.

being a SAHP is not a job. It's just being a parent that doesn't work.

I wonder how the DH would feel about that if the roles were suddenly reversed and he had to look after children, look for a job AND clear up after a partner who seemed unable to close drawers or clear up after themselves?

He's being an eejit and taking out his frustrations on you. Obviously you are not doing anything wrong (apart from picking up after him when it bugs you). My therapist would advise him to ask himself what he needs and ask for it lol. Instead like many of us he is blaming someone else for the things that are wrong in his own life.

Millions work and do the housework, some with children and some not.
Indeed - some of them are even FATHERS

Being a SAHP is not a job, I agree. It's much worse than that - there's no pay, little recognition from society and appraisals weekly, if not daily at times, which conclude "I hate you, mummy" and "You're the worst mum in the world." (Or just irrational toddlers implying that by their behaviour.)

Give the OP a break...

That's the whole point. It should be shared out in a way that is acceptable to both. Not one person having full financial responsiblity where the other person chooses not to do paid work. That is only acceptable if both people agree to it. People can't live on fresh air. Though on MN some people think you can.

"chooses"... Vivienne, which thread are you commenting on? Cos it doesn't seem to apply to this one.

She hasn't chosen not to work then. She has had it kind of forced upon her.

She's been looking for a job for 18 months Vivienne. So she isn't 'choosing' not to work.

I'd like to see how much sympathy a man would get for not having a job for 12 years but has been looking for one for 18 months. Not a lot. It's a bit of double standards here I'm afraid.

Thing is, pre DC when we both worked, he wasn't much different

That's the point here - it's not about being a sahm at all, it's about his attitude to you. He's using the sahm thing as an excuse for some mean sniping and has obviously made a habit of viewing you as his domestic help not his partner. He works long hours and is resentful about that and is taking it out on you because he's used to doing it/getting away with it. Even if you started working again he'd pull the 'you don't work as hard/long as me' card. I feel for you op, but you've let this go on long enough and a big sit down talk is in order here.

Viviennemary, you are so right. There would be shouts of cocklodger, lazy re job hunting and calls for her to kick him out.

Not if he'd been looking after the baby, there wouldn't.