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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

please someone read my post!

62 replies

ggg123 · 25/08/2014 21:33

Iv logged on to hopefully feel less lonely. I am a 35 year old single mum who has been single for 3 years, well up until 6 months ago. Its true what people say you need to find you after a divorce and I completely have, went back to college, lost 3 stone made new friends even dated (terrible bad luck with men) learnt so much along the way about relationships but here I am desperate for some advice. This guy is younger with 3 kids of his own who lives back at home. He has bought me flowers, a lovely gift for my birthday and has recently met my2 cchildren and is fabulous. Now im gonna sound a right ungrateful cow. He is so predictable always says what I want to hear without even listening if you get me? I can do no wrong. So hard to explain. He works nights and I work long days and when there not long I like to spend time with my girls. He has his kids every weekend cos his ex works. He wants to meet with the kids all the time (at my house) which is nice but its hectic enough being a working single mum. When do we have time to go out? On the 3 occasions we have I felt all panicky. I don't feel excited to see him or dont think about him like he does me. I probably sound selfish but maybe im emotionally damaged? Why am I moaning all of my friends have reasons to moan about their boyfriend's/husbands. I am moaning because I don't feel excited :( we haven't slept together yet either. This really isnt fair on him is it? What if this is what it should feel like. My mum says im older now its not the same.

OP posts:
EatTheRude · 25/08/2014 21:39

I would stop wasting your time and let him go.

MilliCariad · 25/08/2014 21:40

It sounds like you don't really fancy him much. If you have not had sex after 6 months then that is unusual.

scarletforya · 25/08/2014 21:41

Don't mind your mum. He sounds a nice guy but you just don't have any chemistry, that's all. That's ok. You're not obliged to be with him if you don't to Op.

(Well done on losing three stone and going back to college, I take my hat off to you!)

PurpleWithRed · 25/08/2014 21:42

You sound perfectly normal to me. Basics: you should like him as a person. Sounds like you don't like him that much; he's dull, not a great listener/conversationalist and wants the kids/family time more than he wants you.

Maybe he's just not the right person for you and it's time to end it.

LiberalLibertines · 25/08/2014 21:47

Just because he's not a total bastard, doesn't mean you have to be 'grateful' !

You're not that into him, and no,tbh it's not fair to keep seeing him, he won't all of a sudden become exciting to you, so yeah, let him go :)

You sound like you're doing fine, you'll meet someone right for you I'm sure.

ColdCottage · 25/08/2014 21:47

I'm afraid I agree, it doesn't sound like there is much spark, just box ticking.

Wait for the spark, don't settle. Date and enjoy yourself and they will turn up. Have you tried Tinder?

ggg123 · 25/08/2014 21:48

Thankyou :) I hear stories of cheating, temper no effort and he is trying so hard to impress me and I'm moaning or wanting more, being selfish. I thought maybe the chemistry bit would come later. I like his company when theres other people around. He is so good with my children too. What if I never find this? I'm worried about telling him because he tells me he was a broken man before he met me. I havnt even really done anything. He says he loves me I just can't say it back :(

OP posts:
Hissy · 25/08/2014 21:49

The strain of having a boyf and his dc in our homes on the 2 spare days a week that we have is exhausting. Do they stay over too?

I have to say this is what ruined my year long relationship with my exboyf. Ok so his dc didn't sleep, disrupted everyone's sleep and tried to call the shots on a few occasions, but I had to limit the overnights as I wasn't enjoying the whole 'blended' thing, the bedwetting/disturbance etc, and it was making my ds anxious, tired and grumpy too.

It doesn't sound as if you're into this guy, so perhaps it'd be best to call it off and see if you can find someone else in time.

Hissy · 25/08/2014 21:51

The 'broken man' comment is a bit much, talk about pressure/keeping you emotional hostage!

Trust your instincts. Chemistry is either there, or it's not. You can't make it.

ggg123 · 25/08/2014 21:55

Thankyou I had more posts whilst writing :) all have been helpful and I feel so much better as I don't have any one else to ask. Only my mum ha! She tells me don't let him go. I start panicking about letting something go thats maybe normal. I have been single before so I don't know I im panicking. I think of how it will be when I cut contact and its normal to feel I will miss him then? He is a nice guy and its like loosing a friend I guess. I don't want to hurt him

OP posts:
cansu · 25/08/2014 21:55

I often think that if I was single I probably wouldn't be interested in a relationship that much. Do you think you have just got used to being by yourself or with friends?

ggg123 · 25/08/2014 22:00

No they don't stay over. The thought of that just stresses me out. I feel mean but its hard enough with mine. My week is so busy. When I have tried to explain hes too much he panics and starts buying me things. He talks like we have been married for years telling me he would do anything for me and he loves me and goes on and on trying to impress me with words when hes not even understanding what im saying.

OP posts:
ggg123 · 25/08/2014 22:02

I do wonder if im set in my ways. Iv just had so much bad luck and see so many of my friends being hurt. For 3 years I have been picturing how it would feel and its not this.

OP posts:
Hissy · 25/08/2014 22:02

I'm not long started online dating, went out on saturday with a guy i'd spoken to on WhatsApp for a while)(while I was on holiday) we'd talk online for ages, really enjoyed it, he's so sweet.

But as much as I wanted to want him, meeting him there's no chemistry. I'd love to see him as a mate, but romantically it'll never happen.

I have to to tell him somehow in the next day or so :(

I think you have to have the difficult conversation and be honest with him. You do owe him that.

ggg123 · 25/08/2014 22:17

I internet dated for a while and thats something I learnt is to meet pretty quickly as its so easy to paint a picture. Good luck! Yes I know he is texting now asking why I have been distant (hes had his kids and iv been busy with mine) im not being distant.Hes saying tell me Iif iv upset you thats all he ever says he says he wants to be my rock. Im gonna have to tell him I actually feel sick thinking about it. Hes not gonna take it well. I don't want to say about chemistry that might make him feel like its him. Any advice on what I can say thats quite firm but kind?

OP posts:
Hissy · 25/08/2014 22:28

I know, I know! I'd have met him before I went away, but fell ill that morning, so postponed till after i'd been away. Had I gone, i'd have known then! Argh!

He's basically acquired you as the woman figure in his life. He's treating you as a wife, but you're not, and you're not even in a physical relationship with him.

No, I don't think he'll take it well, but that's his issue.

I suggest you keep your language simple, clear and unambiguous.

"I'm sorry, this relationship isn't working for me. I've tried to make It work in the way you want, but it's impossible, it's not going to ever work as a relationship. You deserve better, I deserve better, i'm sorry, but this relationship has come to a close."

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 25/08/2014 22:34

He sounds like he's coming on much too strong to me. That's possibly why you're keeping him at arm's length. No-one needs to be some fantasy-figure to a limpet.

If there's no spark there's little point in continuing, is there?

ggg123 · 25/08/2014 22:40

Thankyou :) thats exactly right. I couldn't explain myself before but right from the get go he has acted this way and you don't act like this at the beginning. Its the feeling of having someone to love and be that persons rock he wants its not necessarily me. He doesn't know me well enough to feel what he says he feels. He says it because that what he thinks he should be saying. Ha im waffling on now but I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted being able to talk about this :)

OP posts:
HawthornLantern · 25/08/2014 22:58

I think this is one of those times that your instincts are trying to tell you something.

This guy sounds like he has a lot of lovely qualities and of course you need to be decent in letting him go but from what you have written, letting him go sounds the right decision because of the emotional pressure he is putting on you - I agree with the poster who says you are probably keeping him at arms length because you are reacting to that on some level.

Also, in your first post you said he "always says what I want to hear without even listening" - which sounds to me as if he is more interested in doing what is supposed to be the right thing so that you are not allowed to not want him than really stop and listen and find out what you want and what you are. It's a form of steam-rollering.

He may be doing all this out of his own extreme anxieties but that doesn't oblige you to go along with it if it doesn't make you feel comfortable or if your own needs are really being met - and it doesn't look as if they are.

HawthornLantern · 25/08/2014 22:59

Ah, cross post. Sounds as if it is slipping into place for you Smile Good luck!

ggg123 · 25/08/2014 23:06

Thats exactly it HawthornLantern :) im sooooooo glad I explained myself properly and you understand. Thankyou all so much :) I have to be strong now and tell him its gonna be so so hard

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 25/08/2014 23:24

Yep, chemistry is either there or not, so don, t feel guilty about that.

I reckon he sees you as the "dream" of having a new complete family again which is why he, s coming on so strong, I would feel clausterphobic too....

As a LP myself I take my hat off to you and what you, ve accomplished. Don, t settle for less than the best. Oh, and don, t take tips from your mum about your love life Smile

It, s your life you, re living, not hers...

makemineapinot · 25/08/2014 23:33

Just been in similar situation - only he had no kids. I had to text and break it off - by date 3 he was planning a holiday for us all - eg me, him and my dc! Just toooooooo full on, claustrophobic and desperate. Was such a relief when I said That as much as I'd enjoyed our time together I felt we had nothing in common and would rather not ness him about. Hope that helps. Yes I wimped out and sent a text but he'd gave gone on for ages on the phone!!!

ggg123 · 26/08/2014 07:59

Thankyou for your kind words :)
Thanks for advice, yeah its too much and thats exactly how I think he sees it.
Def helps, I was gonna write it in a letter what do you think?

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/08/2014 14:07

Anyone who chases up a sodding text tbh, HAS to be a no-no...

I had this witl a pilot the other day, sends me this massive cv email and then texts me to ask if i had got it. problem is, the email was so memememe, there wasn't any room for me to reply/interject/respond.

Added to this, I am on holiday (he knew this) i have a phone only and only when it's at home could i access internet/email as i won't roam FGS. i told him this and he sent me a 'good luck' message.

he was all, i haven't met you but if it doesnt work out, i doubt i'll ever do online dating again... yeah right.... scam artist

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