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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

please someone read my post!

62 replies

ggg123 · 25/08/2014 21:33

Iv logged on to hopefully feel less lonely. I am a 35 year old single mum who has been single for 3 years, well up until 6 months ago. Its true what people say you need to find you after a divorce and I completely have, went back to college, lost 3 stone made new friends even dated (terrible bad luck with men) learnt so much along the way about relationships but here I am desperate for some advice. This guy is younger with 3 kids of his own who lives back at home. He has bought me flowers, a lovely gift for my birthday and has recently met my2 cchildren and is fabulous. Now im gonna sound a right ungrateful cow. He is so predictable always says what I want to hear without even listening if you get me? I can do no wrong. So hard to explain. He works nights and I work long days and when there not long I like to spend time with my girls. He has his kids every weekend cos his ex works. He wants to meet with the kids all the time (at my house) which is nice but its hectic enough being a working single mum. When do we have time to go out? On the 3 occasions we have I felt all panicky. I don't feel excited to see him or dont think about him like he does me. I probably sound selfish but maybe im emotionally damaged? Why am I moaning all of my friends have reasons to moan about their boyfriend's/husbands. I am moaning because I don't feel excited :( we haven't slept together yet either. This really isnt fair on him is it? What if this is what it should feel like. My mum says im older now its not the same.

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/08/2014 14:08

there are so many guys who are looking to fill a position in their lives, that of 'Woman who does stuff for me' they don't give a shiny shit about who it IS that fills that need, as long as it's met.

do they not get how insulting that is?

that's what I think has happened here!

Hissy · 26/08/2014 14:10

write the letter, but tell him if you can, he deserves that i think. if he doesn't get it, THEN give him the letter :D

Delphiniumsblue · 26/08/2014 14:13

It is the same when you are older! He may be perfect on paper but if the chemistry isn't there it won't work.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 14:23

He sounds rather suffocating. I think Phase 1 of exiting a long term relationship is rediscovering yourself and learning how to be independent. Phase 2 is learning how to spot Mr Wrong (even if they're nice) and give them the heave-ho sooner rather than later. Have a few goodbye lines ready which you deliver with a slight catch in the voice... (Got your Kleenex?)

'It's not you... it's me... '
'It's just not working for me'
'You're such a great person but it's clear we want different things....'
'Maybe one day we could be friends...'

ggg123 · 26/08/2014 16:54

Thanks :) yeah I do have to tell him in person but I explain things better writing them down and feel like I don't want to see him upset and a letter tells it straight! Maybe I'm being a wimp but this is so hard. I should of listened to myself at the beginning when he was calling me a princess being too full on. I know I shouldn't listen to my mum but she basically said you don't get the spark at my age. Also hes a good guy and not many out there! I was thinking maybe shes right maybe its me maybe the fancying bit comes in time. Now I have been on here I feel stronger and so thankful I don't feel alone. Iv just got to do it now :(

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/08/2014 21:51

Your DM is an idiot. Seriously!

I was 32 when I met my ex (38 when I had DS) sparks aplenty!

I was 46 last birthday.

When I met my last boyf, there was chemistry, it lasted a year, the spark can be there at any age.

Please stop listening to your DM, she's not invested in your happiness at all, is she?

When we have people like that shaping us as children, the risk of us having dysfunctional and/or abusive relationships is massively increased.

You mentioned terrible luck with men... has abuse been in your history? if so, it's thinking like the crap your DM is coming out with that's probably the biggest single contributor to that.

Meerka · 26/08/2014 21:59

Yikes, he's way too full on and you said it yourself,

He doesn't know me well enough to feel what he says he feels

He is either insecure in himself and desperate to get a partner or he's got control red-flags.

Guessing insecure, but he's not actually looking at you. He's not seeing you, the person, he's seeing Potential Partner, Must Not Let Her Get Away.

it'd be a lot nicer to be liked for yourself than becuase he thinks you're potential partner-material and doesn't even listen to you properly and let you have space in a very busy life. The future would be pretty iffy.

Good luck, hope you can end it neatly and without unnecessary hurt.

Theoldhag · 26/08/2014 22:33

Stay strong op, you may have to kiss lots of toads before you get the golen egg. You are doing the right thing and you can tell your dm that yes you can have that spark with someone at any time of your life, I did 2 years ago after an awful divorce. We are getting married as soon as we can, in fact I can honestly say that I never dreamed that I would feel like this at 40! Life is for living and not settling for anything less.

Good luck and hugs

springydaffs · 26/08/2014 23:00

That's me buggered then by your mum's reckoning Confused

Sounds like he just wants 'somebody' (anybody!) and he's chosen you to project it all into. Gosh, must be a huge weight on you, especially with the 'broken man' stuff.

So love, this is another turkey! If you've got only your mum to talk to about your love life it's no wonder you're going wrong then you need to get some more balanced support and do some digging about why you're ending up with men who project their stuff into you, 'good' or bad. Have you ever had any therapy to work on your history?

ggg123 · 26/08/2014 23:36

My step father was emotionally abusive (really dysfunctional upbringing) no abuse with my marriage or anything though. Bad luck when dating. When I wrote this post I actually never felt as strong in knowing that just cos this guy wants to do everything for me doesn't mean I have to settle if I'm not happy. Up until yesterday I have questioned it so many times and the last time I bought it up with my mum she just says I don't know what the answer is and doesnt really wanna talk about it, I don't think she realises how its making me feel. Me and my mum are completely different people in what makes us happy.
You are all so right in basically saying this guy is putting emotional pressure on me. I was driving to work thinking of how much too. Iv met his girls 3 times and he puts them on the phone to me all of the time saying they love you. Also tells me that me and my girls deserve to be treated like royalty. Yes thats nice but he is emotionally trying to hold on to me maybe? My job is quite stressful at times so he has asked why i have been so distant the last few days (super busy) Tonight he has text to say I know you are busy and you are amazing in how you juggle everything I miss you so much and if ever you need to talk about anything you know I am here because I love you. This is because I have had a busy few days and unable to text that much. I feel I could go on and on, but I seriously don't think I need convincing anymore do I?
About the therapy thing... thought about it a couple of years ago but honestly I have no hidden demons. I have kinda counselled myself. I'm just a bit rubbish with knowing that is normal and what is settling and it helps to talk on here so so much :)

OP posts:
ggg123 · 26/08/2014 23:39

Ps... good to know there is such a thing as a 'spark' makes me feel a little excited :)

OP posts:
recoverycoach · 26/08/2014 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ggg123 · 26/08/2014 23:41

Pps.. Thanks for the happy ever afters, happy for you :)

OP posts:
Cristalle · 26/08/2014 23:44

i agree, trust your instincts. i went out with a man like that for a while. He seemed perfect, but it was like somebody somewhere was pulling a cord in his back and then he'd just say the right thing. and do the right thing. I had a feeling something wasn't quite right, or quite there. I feel now he just fancied me and he was older than me and he was prepared to act the person he knew women wanted, but I knew he wasn't sincere, and the chemistry wasn't right. two years on I'm with somebody who is right for me. he's a good guy and he doesn't make a production out of being a Good Man iykwim. he has a personality that's compatible with my own, and it goes without saying that he's a good guy. So, trust your instinct.

ggg123 · 26/08/2014 23:46

This is not abuse though?

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/08/2014 23:48

So your DM was/is married to an emotionally abusive man?

Well... that's what she's potentially raised you to be! luckily you've dodged that bullet, but this guy is (imvho) sailing dangerously close to being very bad news.

He is forcing you into a role that isn't yours. How dare he emotionally manipulate you, and worse his girls! Who the fuck even knows if they like someone after 3 visits, let alone love them! He's either an idiot, or a man with an agenda.

In his little head he's decided you are perfect for him (whether you like it or not)

But you aren't perfect. No-one is.

The minute you show him that you are human, the disappointment for him will be a shock and he'll probably punish you for NOT being the person he's invented in his head.

Be careful. I don't think he'll give this facade up too easily. So don't dither/pander or try to be kind. Be honest and make sure he knows that there isn't any chance of you changing your mind.

ggg123 · 26/08/2014 23:49

Thats exactly it. Like hes saying and doing like a robot with no emotion. Wow thats so right!

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/08/2014 23:50

What this man is doing is grooming you.

He IS trying to suck you in and trap you.

These ARE abusive traits.

Read up about signs your dating an abuser/loser. There's a link somewhere, will try and find it.

ggg123 · 26/08/2014 23:55

This is what I think when he says these things. Yes definitely, I know im not perfect but he thinks I am. Yes your right he has painted a picture.
Yes my mum was married to him for 22 years of my life. Not a nice man!

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/08/2014 23:55

Try this:

allwomenstalk.com/10-signs-youre-dating-a-loser

I'm on a phone, so best I can do for now :)

ggg123 · 26/08/2014 23:59

Hes definitely harmless honestly. Fter reading these posts I think he's more in it for his own personal reasons.

OP posts:
ggg123 · 27/08/2014 00:01

Will definitely read though thankyou :) I think im in need of a few tips

OP posts:
ggg123 · 27/08/2014 00:03

Ah cant open the link on my phone. I will have to look tomorrow on the laptop. Thankyou :)

OP posts:
springydaffs · 27/08/2014 10:40

Lovely, if you've a crap history and you have crap relationships as an adult THERE IS A DIRECT LINK. Sorry to shout but that's how it goes - quite straightforward, really, iyswim?

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