Found evidence DH having sex at swinging site

[trackerc]

Me & DH been bad for a while. No sex for a year, even before then him suggesting condoms. I've felt I needed to get out for a long time, keep trying to raise it, DH happy with how it is. He has been off sick from work since Nov (depression) As i see it, unwilling to do anything to support his recovery, always saying 'ill wait for meds to work' ill see what a therapist can do' - I've bought him books, suggested exercise, talked things through (also I don't see he is depressed, low mood and being jacked off maybe but not depressed) Planning nights out on the lash, weekends away with the boys, playing footy - motivated to do lots of things that he wants but not the other dull stuff like work or household stuff. he returned to work in April ( i found a letter recently that said he'd be going on half pay on 3 April, he returned 31 march. hes had 3 extra periods of sick since (currently off for another 4 wks - usually during periods he would've been having his annual leave so getting that back iyswim) Over summer it led to him watching footy or films &me going to bed putting lil one to bed, then him 'not wanting to disturb' going in spare room. This has continued - by us both - I'm not wanting to be intimate with him & been seriously suspicious over last few months. I told him 2 weeks ago we needed to separate formally. There isn't a relationship. He wants to keep it how it is.
Fast forward to seeing texts ( about 6 all flirty to different numbers) all saying about meeting up or going to swinging club) I go to check on a swinging site & there he is, with 4 different recommendations on what a great lover he is. I've been at a family event this weekend with little one - he's been saying how quiet the house has been, had difficult time not seeing lil one - well all accounts say hes been at one woman's house, a swinging club the next night with details of what happened in a private room. Hmmm, really quiet time. Very poorly& depressed.
He's out at a mates now, watching footy, drinking. I can't say anything tonight when he gets in as hell have had a drink & I know its not the time. I need him sober.
I want him out - I'm humiliated. I think hell say he won't go. I need advice. How do I handle it?

Take copies of all the evidence! He will minimise this.

better advice along soon, but sounds as if you need all your documents together and to arrange a solicitor's apt or CAB as soon as possible

have you rl friends to talk to?

I have just printed copy out.
I am spending my time second guessing what he'll say. 'You need to leave you've disrespected our family unit' - 'you wouldn't give me sex so I went elsewhere' 'I've got nowhere to go, you'll break lil ones heart' 'it's my house (joint mortgage) I'm not going' etc
Do I have rights to kick out the twunt?

I don't think so. Not til lawyers are involved

Absolutely no advice but ahhhh I'd want to throttle him!
Good advice to follow I'm sure of it

I do have RL friends, one in particular who is amazing. My amity are all supportive (told them of separation - they don't like him). I just feel I need to state what happens now. But I'm not confident of what that is.
I know its not my problem, but dunno who would put up with him spending all day on their sofa watching3 films a day while I do 2 jobs.

He might be encouraged to go quietly if you intimate that copies of your evidence of his activities might accidentally get emailed to his family, friends and work colleagues.

I'm sorry but What a twat !!
Sorry you are going through this ,if You are married and he's cheated then that's grounds for divorce isn't it ?
If your name is on the mortgage & you have a child together then your dc & you have a right to stay in the family home I think ?
Maybe post on legal to see if someone knows .
How awful op I'm fuming for you , father any evidence you can whilst he's out !!
Good luck xxx

• sorry gather not father !!

Thanks lovely people. I know I'm morally in the right, but I also know there will be the

• I'm depressed, on antiDs and she's forcing the end of our marriage
• I've got nowhere to go, our lil one will suffer
• what did you expect? You didn't put out so I got it from a skanky swinging club, I'm a man with needs etc

Sometimes I think I'm bonkers looking for answers to his troubles, than meeting my own needs

Just spent half hour looking at our joint account & £300 in cash gone out of it this weekend while I've been away....

Tracker when I was depressed I didn't want sex or to go out partying , he can say what he wants it doesn't really excuse what he's done .
I would sort financial & home things out so that you and your child are ok if you are going to confront him just incase .

How awful for you OP. Can you freeze joint bank accounts/move the money into your personal account so he can't spend any more of it on his 'hobby'?

Angel, he's not depressed. I'd put money on it. Generally, people who are truly depressed have their sex-drive dwindle to zero. And they can't summon the interest go out on the piss with their pals or to the footie either.

He's been conning you and he's been conning his employer as well, probably the GP as well.

I'd chuck his arse out the house for that alone, even without evidence of his vile betrayal.

if he decides he is not leaving a wee bit blackmail should do the trick. I am sure his employers friends and family would be very entertained by his antics

What an unbelievable arsehole. I can't believe he's been using family money for his seedy lifestyle.....pretending to be sick as well and pretending to miss his Dd when all along he's living like a single Jack the lad.

Have you got your own account OP? One he hasn't got access to that is.

I'd move all the remaining money he hasn't swindled on other women right out of that account!

I know bitter, I want to, I need to & so want to. I'm trying to be wily & think should I confront or just say I want you to leave & then see if he does or gets dirty to have this as my joker. Or should I just cut the middle man & show print outs & say eff off.
All of this is taking so much mental frigging energy.
His GP only hears what he tells him. "I'm hardly sleeping at night, feeling stressed, poor motivation etc". Obvs not saying I'm maybe not sleeping cos I've been lying on couch 9am-9pm watching sport (apart from fag breaks) snoozing in the day & wanking at night. No tea cooked, lil one at play scheme or after school club cos 'she enjoys it' - not that you cant be effing arsed & instead we pay for childcare while you languish on the sofa. Anyway, I digress.
I suppose I just want to know can I confidently say get out & have some backing?

Thanks tesstackle I've just opened one online in my name. I also have my own business banking one. The joint account has been our daily one that has multiple joint house outgoings - just been looking at them all now (direct debits etc) so see how much needs to be split per month. That's where I've seen the 3 separate bank cash withdrawals over 3 days. I've seen he also has a credit card too that also as several hundred pounds a month going out too(from our joint account)
I need to extricate myself from that account. When I said about us separating couple of weeks ago I said we needed to do that, he said he wanted to keep that joint account & I just open my own & pay into it.
Tomorrow I need it sorted. I resolve to Remove emotions from this at the mo & get essentials in order.
Thanks guys. I do appreciate your insights & advice - keep it comong

Yep sort everything out financially, phone CTC and tell them you have split/seperated and you are no longer a unit and you are no longer doing anything for him - cooking/washing/shopping.

Sorry, What's CTC?

Child tax credits.

Sorry to hear this OP. Definitely a time to play your cards close to your chest and gather all evidence. You have every right to be in that house and he is the one cheating! So get it all together, stay calm and don't let on you know xx

Thank you. I can't believe the deceit, makes me want to spit. Heard him come in last night & trundle off to bed & him lying there now while I head off to work.
I think ill suggest meeting for lunch & say the financial stuff & agree monthly contributions to joint bills and say I find us living together intolerable & suggest he be out by Fri. (Trying not to disclose what I know) See where it gets me.
My concern is lil one is back in school Tues, so not wanting to cause disruption to her. As ever left for me to be concerned, even though he's the sordid deceptive (but oh so depressed & anxious) one upending life.
MN give me strength

I'm so sorry trackerc,what a douchebag!

There's no way I'd want to stay in that kind of relationship.Stay strong and stand your ground you and your LO deserve so much more.

Your lil one will get through it especially if you will be a happier person because of it. I never noticed how much it had affected mine as he was a happy little boy the difference was amazing, just stand your ground and get legal advice

If he tries to use your child as a "reason" for him to stay, you can justifiably point out that the only difference to your child will be that there is a man shaped space on the sofa.

It doesn't sound like he actually DOES anything to help with the child anyway. Likewise, "direspecting the family unit" is about the funniest thing he could possibly come up with, considering his mind bogglingly blatant infidelity.

There's no reason why you should continue to pay into the joint account. To all extents and purposes, he has been stay at home, but not a stay at home DAD and certainly not actually doing anything whilst there.

Do you have pictures or evidence of him going away on lad weekends when he was supposed to be off on depression?

If he starts kicking up a fuss you could say perhaps insinuate that his employers might be interested to know his activities whilst being signed off on depression.