Found evidence DH having sex at swinging site

[trackerc]

Me & DH been bad for a while. No sex for a year, even before then him suggesting condoms. I've felt I needed to get out for a long time, keep trying to raise it, DH happy with how it is. He has been off sick from work since Nov (depression) As i see it, unwilling to do anything to support his recovery, always saying 'ill wait for meds to work' ill see what a therapist can do' - I've bought him books, suggested exercise, talked things through (also I don't see he is depressed, low mood and being jacked off maybe but not depressed) Planning nights out on the lash, weekends away with the boys, playing footy - motivated to do lots of things that he wants but not the other dull stuff like work or household stuff. he returned to work in April ( i found a letter recently that said he'd be going on half pay on 3 April, he returned 31 march. hes had 3 extra periods of sick since (currently off for another 4 wks - usually during periods he would've been having his annual leave so getting that back iyswim) Over summer it led to him watching footy or films &me going to bed putting lil one to bed, then him 'not wanting to disturb' going in spare room. This has continued - by us both - I'm not wanting to be intimate with him & been seriously suspicious over last few months. I told him 2 weeks ago we needed to separate formally. There isn't a relationship. He wants to keep it how it is.
Fast forward to seeing texts ( about 6 all flirty to different numbers) all saying about meeting up or going to swinging club) I go to check on a swinging site & there he is, with 4 different recommendations on what a great lover he is. I've been at a family event this weekend with little one - he's been saying how quiet the house has been, had difficult time not seeing lil one - well all accounts say hes been at one woman's house, a swinging club the next night with details of what happened in a private room. Hmmm, really quiet time. Very poorly& depressed.
He's out at a mates now, watching footy, drinking. I can't say anything tonight when he gets in as hell have had a drink & I know its not the time. I need him sober.
I want him out - I'm humiliated. I think hell say he won't go. I need advice. How do I handle it?

Oh, and if anyone gives you even the slightest amount of grief about kicking him out on his ear (presumably after hearing a pity party from him), YOU SHOULD JUST TELL THEM THE TRUTH.

"well, that's an interesting perspective. From my point of view, I kicked him out for having sex with three different people in one weekend, at least one of which I believed he paid for the pleasure. Oh, did he skip out that part when you spoke to him?"

Tell him you will post screen shots of text evidence on social media if he makes any fuss about leaving and that you will send copies to his employers so they can see how 'sick' he really is.

You are entitled to ask him to leave. He is entitled to refuse. You're already anticipating the guilt-tripping response which is good really because it means you're thinking one step ahead. If this happens you can keep asking him to leave, make domestic life unpleasant, threaten to expose his disgusting behaviour to people that matter.... depends how far you want to take it. If he refuses in an aggressive or abusive way (unlikely by the sound of it) then that's a different path.

Next step, I would suggest, is to contact a solicitor. You don't need his permission to start a divorce.

Wow - I'd be so tempted to send copies of the texts/emails to his work and GP!

Have you had your 30 mins with a solicitor? I'm sure you'd get strong backing with that evidence!

Please don't let his pathetic 'I've got nowhere to go and our little one will suffer' self-pity affect your decision. He has nowhere to go simply because his actual home was with his wife and children, and he voluntarily chose to jeopardise all of that for sex. He has brought it on himself and should have considered the effects on you, the children and, ultimately, himself when he repeatedly walked through the door of that club. As for the children suffering: he has caused that by being an appallingly selfish father and lousy husband. You are utterly innocent in all of this.

So asked him to leave - just saying its intolerable - & he refused, told me to F off & go myself, his house too etc.
Said hell take half my business account, told him I'm stopping my part in the joint account but after my calculations ill put in half of our outgoings. Told to F off. Then told well that's the mortgage account, if you don't pay it'll go in arrears & that'll be my fault. Pointed out that's putting LO house in jeopardy, nice.
I said the next practical step was to get house valued & sell. This pricked his ears up. Wasn't refusing that. Suggesting I buy him out. If I take over mortgage do I still need to pay him equity in the house as it stands?
Too many thoughts running. Managed to keep info to myself & retain cards close to my chest. Exhausted.com

Oh what a peach if a guy!!
I have nothing practical to offer I'm afraid, but I just wanted to show a bit of support for you.

Please get legal advice before going too far down the route of selling houses etc. This is now a very emotional situation and the risk is that you make hasty decisions or promises in an attempt to bring things to a conclusion. Book a appointment, be sure of your ground, then fight for a fair solution.

Please get legal advice, don't rush into selling and additional stress. Tell them everything, and see what they say.
I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I would be moving all husbands belongings into spare room, to show him it's a permanent arrangement.
You are really brave, keep going.

Thanks all. Im gonna try to get a solicitor appt & get some advice.
I know we both deserve more (me & LO)
He now says he wants me to 'make him an offer' for me to take the house & continue the mortgage. I want to scream at him - 'i know your sordid shitty behaviour' but instead trying to get through this calmly until I have to. He even said I might not "get to keep" LO as I have spent so much time at work - yes, only one of us going to work, as he is sat at home for 6 months. He thinks hes doing a favour by even picking LO up. LO was with me from Fri - Mon afternoon (family event) & then went to a kids party/sleepover & when he had to collect her next day (he went at 2pm) then me get home from work at 6pm he said, 'Ive been looking after her all afternoon' - she was fast asleep on sofa, no tea made, nothing.
Grrrrr

Thanks all. Im gonna try to get a solicitor appt & get some advice.
I know we both deserve more (me & LO)
He now says he wants me to 'make him an offer' for me to take the house & continue the mortgage. I want to scream at him - 'i know your sordid shitty behaviour' but instead trying to get through this calmly until I have to. He even said I might not "get to keep" LO as I have spent so much time at work - yes, only one of us going to work, as he is sat at home for 6 months. He thinks hes doing a favour by even picking LO up. LO was with me from Fri - Mon afternoon (family event) & then went to a kids party/sleepover & when he had to collect her next day (he went at 2pm) then me get home from work at 6pm he said, 'Ive been looking after her all afternoon' - she was fast asleep on sofa, no tea made, nothing.
Grrrrr

Thanks all. Im gonna try to get a solicitor appt & get some advice.
I know we both deserve more (me & LO)
He now says he wants me to 'make him an offer' for me to take the house & continue the mortgage. I want to scream at him - 'i know your sordid shitty behaviour' but instead trying to get through this calmly until I have to. He even said I might not "get to keep" LO as I have spent so much time at work - yes, only one of us going to work, as he is sat at home for 6 months. He thinks hes doing a favour by even picking LO up. LO was with me from Fri - Mon afternoon (family event) & then went to a kids party/sleepover & when he had to collect her next day (he went at 2pm) then me get home from work at 6pm he said, 'Ive been looking after her all afternoon' - she was fast asleep on sofa, no tea made, nothing.
Grrrrr

Thanks all. Im gonna try to get a solicitor appt & get some advice.
I know we both deserve more (me & LO)
He now says he wants me to 'make him an offer' for me to take the house & continue the mortgage. I want to scream at him - 'i know your sordid shitty behaviour' but instead trying to get through this calmly until I have to. He even said I might not "get to keep" LO as I have spent so much time at work - yes, only one of us going to work, as he is sat at home for 6 months. He thinks hes doing a favour by even picking LO up. LO was with me from Fri - Mon afternoon (family event) & then went to a kids party/sleepover & when he had to collect her next day (he went at 2pm) then me get home from work at 6pm he said, 'Ive been looking after her all afternoon' - she was fast asleep on sofa, no tea made, nothing.
Grrrrr

Fucking arsehole! But you are IMMENSELY STRONG for keeping your cards close to your chest. This is the big guns ammo you might need for later on.

Speak to a solicitor about a Mesher Order. This allows a parent to remain in the family home until the child ceases to be a dependent. House gets valued on separation, you continue to pay the mortgage alone. House gets sold later and equity calculated. Any equity built up between separation and sale remains yours. Don't expect him to be happy about that, and in some situations a clean break plus maintenance is a better solution. However, whatever you decide (and you're the one in the driving-seat with your ammo) DO NOT proceed with a divorce without the financials all agreed and signed.

I just took a little re-read of my posts from when I was in the mire of separating. I can see how frustrated I was. I just want to let people going through this awful time that baby steps & frustrated tears are ok. Just keep on keeping on.
I'm 100% better financially & psychologically without the 15stone burden. It feels like I've scaled mountains in high heels & had an unwanted sordid soap opera life I'd never signed up to, but each step got me here. This post is therapeutic for my benefit. Apologies for my self indulgence...
I'm now divorced (though that took 2 years of wrangling) & in a happy new house with my wonderful DD. He has continued to try to make my life hell (refused to leave until I'd paid his house bond, first month rent, carpets, white goods & furniture, upended plans, lied, tried to badmouth me, neglect DD, sabotage events, hide money for DD) Despite this, the outlay & divorce was money well spent. I scrimped to achieve freedom & he hated that I fought & achieved it.
He claimed to be moving nearby, turns out he moved across the street & could see my front door & would smoke at his front garden.
Early doors was on each dating site available, took a girlfriend & her kid abroad. (Never taken DD away in 4 years) Got DD to choose a puppy then when I said I wouldn't have it at my house he gave it to a girlfriend then DD never saw it again. Spent Christmas with that girlfriend & took DD to celebrate with this woman's family, yet announced on Facebook in the Feb he was engaged to another woman. Parents on playground knew from FB post before DD did. DD had met this girlfriend once. Thankfully this woman has been pleasant & nurturing.
He's subtly threatened to let airport know of me taking her in holiday without his permission. Accuses me of spending his maintenance on gallivanting. He changes his contact days within days & says 'it's your problem to sort'
I've still never told him I know his antics. I saw in the seedy sites he was having swinging parties in the house he moved to. There's photos nobody wants to ever see - group sordid pics in the bedroom my DD slept in. Gross antics put on the site against the backdrop of little mix posters & butterflies on the wall
He & wife (who doesn't work) have brand new luxury cars, private reg, 5 holidays abroad last year, refuse to contribute to DD school trips, uniform (he announced he'd bought DD socks) Refused to pay maintenance for 11mths. I resorted to CMS. Does freelance work. Now as self employed CMS report he only needs to pay me £13pwk. Doesn't cover DD dinners & bus fare.
Im pissed off he shirks his responsibilities as parent but I am however free. I'd never trade it. I have joy back in my life. I'm still scared of him. But I limit the contact and impact he has in my life. My DD is fiercely protective of her DF & I never say a word against him. If I did that'd crumble her security. If I need to moan I have my friends & family. They hate him too.
To all you embarking on this journey. You can do it. You will look back & wonder how you made it. I'd advise you, do stealth research, inform yourself of rights, build resilience in you kids, heed MNetters, gather friends for support, smile often even when you don't feel it, be angry & bitter but let them be short lived feelings, take comfort in the happy future ahead. It's there, I know.

Good on you OP!
I am glad you are happy and doing better! Your DD will wake up to him eventually

Well done OP, brilliant update. A great example for many to follow. You are setting a great example to your child and she will recognise it soon enough. He patently isn't, which she will also recognise.

Thanks trackerc! It is encouraging to read your post. I'm glad you found your way out and are feeling good.
I have only recently embarked on the divorce journey and it does feel intimidating esp since I have no funds due to being SAHM and financial abuse.
Also, my husband (who is into secretive swinging as well) blamed me for going to swingers clubs. Apparently that was my fault as well. He claimed he was depressed and it was either swingers or jumping under the train. He is a selfish monster.

trackerc
I'm 100% better financially & psychologically without the 15stone burden. It feels like I've scaled mountains in high heels & had an unwanted sordid soap opera life I'd never signed up to, but each step got me here.
To all you embarking on this journey. You can do it. You will look back & wonder how you made it. I'd advise you, do stealth research, inform yourself of rights, build resilience in you kids, heed MNetters, gather friends for support, smile often even when you don't feel it, be angry & bitter but let them be short lived feelings, take comfort in the happy future ahead. It's there, I know.

What an inspiring and courageous 4 year update, thank you for coming back, there are others going through similar battles who will read your update and see that it is possible.

Thank you. My courage was bolstered by the blessed MNetters who trod the path before & alongside me. I valued their wisdom to help me put one foot in front of the other when I was in a shit storm that is too embarrassing to talk openly about.
A quick read of old posts reminded me I needed to keep the chain of hope going.

Divorce is horrid, no question. Even worse with kids & assets. But it's an event/ process that ends.
Top tip - Put equal amount of attention you put into getting the wedding day you wanted into getting the best divorce. Ask ppl, read up, visit solicitors, gather your documents, read forums. It's not a job you'll treasure but you'll be pleased you did. It's an investment of time for you & your kids. It also helps to rid yourself later on from the destructive 'what ifs'.

Brilliant update trackerc
I am so glad you managed to get rid of the arsewipe!

So sorry to hear he has managed to lie about his income.

Have you thought about sending the swinging stuff anonymously to HMRC!! I am sure they will be very interested in his ill gotten gains.
I watched a TV programme on swinging(not that I am into that sort of thing ) and the people holding these swinging parties were making thousands over a weekend as they charged hundreds for people to attend. All cash in hand!!

Wow it was amazing to read your old posts and then the update! Your ex sounds like an enormous prick. You sound really strong and a million times better off without someone like that in your life

I would be sending all evidence of him not being ill to his work and to him, changing the locks while he's out and leaving his shit on the doorstep. While also filing for divorce with a lawyer.

You need to read the full thread Santaclarita

Oh gosh it sounds like you've been through a lot, I'm in awe at how strong you've been and I'm so pleased you've come out the other side. I hope other women struggling in a terrible marriage read this and are inspired by you