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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another moan about my lovely dp...

92 replies

Mascaraohara · 20/09/2006 16:15

Hadn't see him since Thursday morning, he phoned me Sunday (around 1:30) and asked what I was doing.. my reply - nothing right now but will probably take dd for a walk later, the lawn needs mowing though so if you fancy doing that and then spending the rest of the day with us it would be really nice, I'm cooking a roast for 6.. he replies yes that would be great, he'd get up and in the shower. After waiting in for 2 hours whilst staring and the beautful weather I finally call him back (only to wake him up).. Tell him I want to go to the woods do to forget the lawn and I'd do it myself in the evening. Went for a walk. Got back around 4:30 and wanted to get the dinner on, text him to say did he want dinner, reply yes he was in the pub - what time. I reply 6 but it would be nice if he could come in before hand and spend some time with his family as we not seen him since Wednesday...

he turned up at 5:55.

last night I was due to go out at just gone 7:30.. he was due to be in to look after dd, he turned up at 7:30 on the dot because he had to go to the pub. This meant dd got all clingy cos she thought he wasn't coming and so she wanted me to put her to bed.

he is such a pita sometimes... grrr... sometimes I really question our relationship.

OP posts:
cod · 20/09/2006 16:56

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Mascaraohara · 20/09/2006 16:57

PMSL @ you cod!!!!!

Can't believe I even managed to slip in an excuse there.. see it's second nature.

OP posts:
cod · 20/09/2006 16:57

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Mascaraohara · 20/09/2006 17:01

And do you know what the worst bit of it all is...

he goes out all weekend and doesn't even tell me the gossip!

OP posts:
cod · 20/09/2006 17:01

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Mascaraohara · 20/09/2006 17:04

Will resolve myself to talking about it tonight, whilst I'm cooking his dinner have to head home now. let you know how I get on. I don't want to do this so it's going to be hard.

My birthday was beginning of August, still no present even though I keep dropping unsubtle hints!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2006 17:04

Three C's for you to remember:-

You can't CONTROL it, you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it.

Please don't continue to make excuses for him - he's a product of his environment. He made a conscious choice to start drinking.

You need to break out of this co-dependency cycle you're in and you're the only one who can get out. We can all support you but you're the one who makes the choice ultimately.

As for his drinking buddies he's choosing them over you every time. His primary relationship after all is with alcohol. I would put money on it as well that many of his drinking friends also have alcoholism.

Is this really the life you want for you and your child?. What lessons are you imparting here to her?. Being a child growing up where one parent is an alcoholic is extremely damaging with effects of same being felt in adulthood.

Original poster
Mascaraohara · 20/09/2006 17:05

(I know it's for the best, can't go on like this, I'm worth more, think of dd, etc etc will just have to keep reminding myself)

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2006 17:06

nd do you know what the worst bit of it all is...

he goes out all weekend and doesn't even tell me the gossip!

Mascaraohara
Do not make light of this - you are in a real mess here relationship wise. I know you're trying hard to put some shine on this.

Would suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Attwood.

Original poster
Mascaraohara · 20/09/2006 17:06

sorry x-posts... my post was definitely not aimed at you attila!!!!!!!!! was just a (humourous) pep talk to myself

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2006 17:07

If you access the Guardian's website talk section under their "advice" column there is a very interesting thread about "how to get over a drunk".

I would suggest you read that thread because that could be you - there is some excellent advice there too.

Original poster
Mascaraohara · 20/09/2006 17:07

and again... sorry.

really must go and collect dd.

I always laugh about things, it's my problem.

need someone kicking me up the arse before I eve do anythign.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 20/09/2006 17:09

Do you think your dd sees you as a doormat?

TBH you sound like one

Respect yourself! You are worth a whole lot more than this.

Oh and WHY are you cooking his dinner

Call him and say Come round straight after work or no dinner ie DON'T GO TO THE PUB FOR ONE NIGHT

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2006 17:10

Mascara

Yeah I know, its okay. But you are still in a mess and he is more than happy for you to be treated like garbage time and time again.

His priamry relationship is with alcohol. Absolutely everything else comes a close second. He is not likely to give up drinking because he will then have to give up his drinking friends.

Walk away whilst you still can. You do not want to be in this situation in say five, ten years time. It will get worse for you, not better.

Beetroot · 20/09/2006 17:12

oh not another one!

he does not love you. He uses you. If he loved you he wouldn't ignore your feelings.

HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU

Original poster
Mascaraohara · 20/09/2006 17:15

Oh no don't give me a 'type'... I am not 'another one' (am I?)???? I'm intelligent, witty, fun, attractive (within reason), I don't want to be classed as 'another one' I really believe he loves me though, I know he would be heartbroken if we split.

I really must go, late for childminder..

...thanks all, will check in later (probably)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mascaraohara · 20/09/2006 17:16

actually, I've just had a thought

there's a difference between loving me and being proud of me isn't there?????

I know he's proud of me but maybe he doesn't love me... maybe I've been confusing pride with love.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 20/09/2006 17:16

Of course he would

Who would cook his dinner?

CountessDracula · 20/09/2006 17:17

proud of your cooking skills?

Proud of your ability to put up with his shit??

Jesus

Original poster
Mascaraohara · 20/09/2006 17:19

I really have to go...

he's proud to have me on his arm, he's impressed that his mates fancy me, that he can tell them how great I am in bed and how great I am at cooking

And I guess I like the fact that he's proud of me.

I really am late, must go.. will check in later... thank you xx

OP posts:
puddle · 20/09/2006 17:20

You sound like his possession. It's all about him rather than you.

Beetroot · 20/09/2006 17:20

well I hope that is enough for you.

can you say the same for him?

Are you proud of him?

CountessDracula · 20/09/2006 17:23

Actually you two sound ideally suited

Yin and yang (you are yin obv)

People are like he is because people like you put up with it!

Original poster
Mascaraohara · 20/09/2006 22:29

Now he is making our lunch for tomorrow and we're not speaking (well he's speaking and I've got a face on). Apparently I've "changed". He is promising to stay in one night a weekend and spend Sundays with us.

He really doesn't see a problem and he doesn't go to the pub every night.. he didn't go Monday.

Also, if he didn't love me, why would he be here... hmmmmm

so that sums up our conversation

OP posts:
ilovecaboose · 20/09/2006 22:37

"Also, if he didn't love me, why would he be here... hmmmmm "
Cos you keep a house for him, give him dinner, do his washing and cleaning etc etc.

Reading through this he seems to have little respect for your feelings. HAve you thought about seeing if (if you really want to stick with him) going to Relate or similar with him. If he's not interested in making you happy/considering your feelings then he's not worth being with. Sorry.

This must be very hard for you.