MIL is suffocating me!!!!

[TS123]

MIL lives 5 minutes from my place by car (problem #1!) and she expects to see her little grandson every day or at least every other day. She doesn't give me a day's peace from her phone calls. I have a very hard time with this since my mat leave is coming to an end and I'd really love to enjoy as much time with my DS as I can. As it stands, I bring him over to see her at least twice per week for a couple of hours at a time. Is it really reasonable for her to expect to see him more than this?? How do I tactfully keep her at bay?
(I should add that when I return to work, she will mind him 2 days per week, so she'll "get her chance"!) HELP!!

i would start screening her calls and not answer every one. when she asks you to come over, i'd say was tired and need to rest or i already have something planned. just go as many times as you're happy with and don't cave in. the penny will slowly drop.

arghghg 'i'd say i was tired .. i already had something planned'.

Are you paying her to mind him?

say to her you want to be selfish until you go back to work - and make the most of being with DS 1-1. Tell her you are happy to bring him over for a couple of hours a couple of times per week, for now, and hopefully she can live with that - seeing as she has kindly agreed to have him 2 days per week when you are working.

It would be hard for her to argue with that .

I've been dropping the hints for months now. I'm already screening the calls and telling her I have plans. When I say I'm tired, she figures it's a chance to offload him from me and let me rest. I'm not paying her a dime to mind him when I go back to work -- but I don't think this makes me indebted to her to the point that I should be guilted into giving into her every request. The truth is, I have no desire to go back to work, nor do I have a financial incentive. I'm doing it to simply try it out because I owe it to myself not to resign from my profession just yet (medicine). My DH and I never asked her to mind him. Rather, she is falling all over herself to do it. In fact, she's been hinting that I start going back sooner to "get used to it". I'm not stupid enough to think that this is all about her interest in my professional success. The other truth is that she really has no life of her own. She was a homemaker and now only volunteers once per week at the local hospital. I sometimes feel sorry for her but again, this shouldn't be the guilty motivator for leaving my DS with her. I even once told her that we would set up 2 half days per week that we would come over hoping she wouldn't push me on the other days. Instead she just couldn't hold out for the next visit and would just scrap the visit and come over whenever she wanted.

firm and clear boundaries now ts (sorry but your name sounds like a dishwaser part or something..) or you are storing up trouble later.... i speak as one who's been there and still have the scars.... get you dh / dp onside... tell him to sort her out! good luck.

My MIL suffocated me soooo much and it marked the start of the end of a tolerated relationship. My advice, esp since she's going to be spending quite a lot of time with him once you go back to work, is to start gently asserting yourself. It needn't be rude. Its just that you want her to remain in her position of grandmother and not overstep the line by pushing in more and more. I practised the fine art of smiling and saying, "that's kind, thank you, but we've got plans" and then repeating it as often as she did.

MIL=PITA like sponge cake=custard in my house!!

Gosh TS,how sour you sound!
Do you come on MN a lot?
Listen to other women talk about how their MILs don't care less about their kids.

She sounds lovely.Wait until your son is older.You will want to drop to your kness and thank God that your MIL loves him so much.

moondog -- you're good to remind me of the positive side of this. I guess I can be sour. It just really does get to be a bit much when you hear from your MIL everyday. I really appreciate her help but I still think she should learn to respect some boundaries of personal space, that's all.

maybe you can tell her you appreciate her enthusiasm about her grandson - but you find the attention a bit overwhelming. Tell her you are the sort of person who needs to have some space to work things out for yourself. You need to have time to enjoy your DS as well.

Tell her you really do appreciate that it is great to have an interested grandparent close by who is willing and able to help - but it would really help you if she could limit her enthusiasm a bit - stick to the agreed 2 days per week (unless something out of the ordinary happens).

I don't think you sound sour in the least, actually. This is a precious time, your first maternity leave and I think it's wonderful you are enjoying and cherishing it so much. Wanting to spend some freedom and a peaceful time with your baby without having the meet the needs of others is not unreasonable. Yes, she loves your baby passionately, but she has already had her babies and bonded, and she will be seeing a lot of her grandson. I would feel very oppressed by the daily phone calls demanding to know where I was going and what I was doing, and would feel quite claustrophobic if I never knew if my MIL was going to descend on me. Maybe you could preempt her by calling in the morning, giving her a brief update on the baby, then saying, are we still ok for Wednesday (or whatever) and say, good, because I've got things planned for the other days and I'd hate to miss our visit. I'll call you tomorrow. Do you think that might work?

There's something about the MIL/DIL relationship that can induce sourness IMO. My relationship with mine has deteriorated a lot since I had dd and I think it boils down to the fact that I feel very resentful of the fact that this woman has a biological hold on my child. It has set off all my posessive character traits. I've had to accept it's my problem, not hers (and luckily she lives 400 miles away). I think I'd really struggle in your shoes and I don't like this side of myself very much.

TBH you sound like you want to quit work - is that an option?

if it was me i would just tell her what youve told us.
your leave is coming to an end and as she sees him regularly anyway you want to spend what time you have left with him before you return to work. she may be hurt at first but she will understand.

Thank you for your comments. A few things need to be said.

I realize I am not paying her to mind him but I also would have hired a CM if she had not been absolutely insistent on being the one to care for him. This balance of power is something that I am struggling with because while I am appreciative, it shouldn't make her entitled to being quite so intrusive in my daily life outside of that arrangement IMO. I may very well quit work if I find that once I go back she is still hounding me on the days that I am home with DS. I didn't agree to 2 days plus a free licence to phone and visit every other day of the week. I definitely want DS to see her but I personally think 2 days a week is really enough. My own mother is dying of envy because she lives out of town. IMO, my MIL has it pretty good.

Yesterday, she called to say she could take him in the afternoon even though we had a date set up for tomorrow and she had him the day before. I explained that while I was on mat leave, I was very grateful to her to be able to take him from me 2 afternoons per week, however, other than that I didn't routinely need additional help. I told her that above and beyond that she could call and visit with us if we were free that day. So while I think I may sound sour on MN postings, I think I am very generous sharing my time with DS, and very polite to MIL.

Finally, I think for her own sake, she needs other sources of satisfaction and reward in her life beyond my DS. In the near future, DH and I plan to relocate for work, and she has said she will be severely depressed when that happens (which I understand will be very hard). She has to cherish her role as grandmum but avoid the trap of reliving her motherhood vicariously. She spends more time and money shopping for him than I do. While many of you think this may be great, I tend to think it's slightly warped.

I definitely agree with the fact that MIL/DIL relationships are usually strained and this one is bringing out the worst in me. But there you have it. I will get mine one day when DS makes ME the MIL!!!

totally understand where you're coming from TS123
when dd was only a couple of weeks old MIL went shopping in M&S with us and kept telling the assistant about her baby
it soooo annoyed me (I didn't say anything to her though)
Luckily she lives 3 hours away from us so I don't have this problem, but I know it would have been similar to your situation
maybe if you initiate more meetings or lunch or whatever with her, then you can afford to be a bit more firm without being mean, IYSWIM?
totally agree she needs to find something else in her life though
she sounds sweet but over the top......
and what does your dh think of all this?

I have the same thing with my MIL, she is a widow and tells everyone "all I need is my grandchildren" Im pleased that she loves them but it is SUFFOCATING, she should have a life of her own and not live through us.

Hubby has been told today his blood pressure is high and to try eating healthily, he is overweight and this stabilised it before. When we told MIL she basically rubbished this and we got the "old my .... in the village lost weight and has been told to start eating butter, biscuits and full fat milk by his Dr" crap and finished of with "that low fat milk isnt good for you"

Grrrr sorry to hijack - I guess I feel her attitude could result in hubby having a heart attack or stroke - she constantly gives him crisps and biscuits and he has NO willpower.

I do hope it works out with her childminding as mine takes no notice of anything I want - which is why I work from home now!!

In terms of her minding him, my concern is that she pays me plently of lip-service but I don't always buy it. What I mean is (bluntly) . . . she can be full of sh*t. She tells me she wants to do things my way but then when she has him, she does what she wants. I tell her what he eats for lunch, she tells me what she's made for him. I tell her when he naps, she tells me when she thinks he's tired. So it's a theme -- I tell her when I need help, she tells me when she's coming over. My question is . . .why does she even bother asking me? I feel like she's just humoring me and I would rather cut the crap. I guess the power struggle may run much deeper here. In the end, she'll do what she wants and I'll have to accept it, but I won't have her telling me how to do things when I have him or infringing on my time with DS. It's about boundaries and mutual respect. Maybe she thinks she can mother him better than I can. This makes me fuming mad and very possessive of DS.

Yes I get the lip service thing too, my MIL is NEVER wrong!! She would feed them cake from dawn to dusk I have had major fallings out with her over it. Now I am meant to be asked before they are given anything...once they have eaten their meals I am fine with it within reason but not to excess.

I guess with naps and things that will change as you go along and all you can do is play it by ear.

If she wants to come over when it is not convenient for you just say you will be out, if she turns up anyway then you will just have to make sure you are out a few times im sure she will get the message eventually. If she says anything say "sorry I told you I had to go out"

I really hope I am a nic MIL when my kids grow up!!

I meant to say nice MIL. Sorry got distracted littlun wanted me to admire the contents of the potty he had just produced...joys of being a mother!!

She does sound like mine! I now only see my MIL when I absolutely have to. I tried to tolerate it but eventually it made me miserable. I guess the choice is (a) tolerate it or (b) speak to her about it or (c) get a nursery place or childminder. He is your son, his care at this age should be totally driven by his parents and if you say he naps at 1pm, he should nap at 1pm.

Its so hard. If she's starting to irritate you now though, it will get worse if you leave it.

Oh we started off polite, developed into full blown arguments (I once called her a sad cow and told her to get a life) and now have graduated into polite frostiness!!

Hubbies are never any help either are they mine just leaves us to it, really it should be HIS problem.

ts. hope i'm wrong but my strong feeling is this ain't going to work....

On the other hand, I think we as mothers underestimate how much grandmothers love their grandchildren. I've been told my grandmothers that it is a very different love from the love they felt for their own children. It's less controlled because they don't have the same level of responsibility, but actually more passionate and emotional. I suspect TS that your MIL is panicking about your leaving and trying to see your ds as much as possible because she's so upset about your move.

Sorrell I think you are absolutely right. And at the end of the day, that is really all that matters. I have to try hard to set aside these petty issues and see what is really important that she loves my DS so desperately. We both want what is best for him so as a starting point, we're way farther ahead than I would be with a stranger caring for him. I just have to feed back to her what I can deal with and what I can't deal with, and to be honest, I really think that if I am open with her, she'll respect that and do her best. That's all I can ask since that's all I can do and even I mess it up sometimes!