MIL is suffocating me!!!!

[TS123]

MIL lives 5 minutes from my place by car (problem #1!) and she expects to see her little grandson every day or at least every other day. She doesn't give me a day's peace from her phone calls. I have a very hard time with this since my mat leave is coming to an end and I'd really love to enjoy as much time with my DS as I can. As it stands, I bring him over to see her at least twice per week for a couple of hours at a time. Is it really reasonable for her to expect to see him more than this?? How do I tactfully keep her at bay?
(I should add that when I return to work, she will mind him 2 days per week, so she'll "get her chance"!) HELP!!

Much sympathy, my parents are like this. They live halfway across the country and still manage to suffocate me! tbh it's got easier as dd gets older, a combination of m&D learning to back off a little and dh and I getting a bit more laid back about dd as she grows up.

I found that having 'big chats' didn't work as Dad would just agree to everything i said and then carry on as before. dh and I have to pull him up as he's doing stuff, eg 'please don't feed her that pat of butter, please stop playing with her she needs to go to sleep,' etc etc. On the latter point Dad didn't stop playing so I said 'this isn't working, she needs to go to sleep', I picked her up and left the room.

This kind of direct action is the only thing that's had any impact and has improved the situation marginally.

What does your dh say btw?

That's exactly what my own mother said about this whole thing -- forget the "big talks" because at the end of the day you're not going to change her. The only thing you can change is how she affects you. I have spoken to DH about it and he's offered to intervene on my behalf. However, even his diplomatic approach is too subtle. Or perhaps it comes back to to the fact that even being blunt won't change what she does. When I am over at her house and he has to nap, I have taken that kind of direct action but when I'm away, I'm afraid things will not happen on time. This is obviously not the end of the world but with DS, even 30 minutes too late means he's crying in his cot and then has a miserable sleep. When she figures this out, maybe she'll take my advice but I hate for DS to go through this with her when things could be so much easier (if I put him down earlier for his naps, he doesn't fuss and has great sleeps). I think I'll try telling her exactly when to put him in his cot each day and see if that works.

I found it very difficult at that stage when the timing of sleep matters. dd is now 2.5 and has dropped her daytime naps, as I say, it does get easier as they get older and don't have to have such a rigid routine.

Mind you then you get onto the toys, sweets etc etc

today i was over there and put him down for a nap and proved to her that if he is put down earlier he doesn't cry and he had a good sleep. maybe by seeing my example she will try harder since she'll want to prove to me that she can get good at it too!

I agree, also never heard golliwogs growing up (mother German, Father English - grew up in Germany)

so sorry - no idea how that got on this thread

Tell her you love that she is so involved with her grandson but that you have decided you and he need some "quality time" together before you go back to work.

You do need to set some firm boundaries now or she will continue to overstep the mark.

Maybe she's reluctant to put him to bed because she wants to spend time with him?

Not long til you relocate!!

Pages -- I did that and I immediately felt guilty for it! Can you imagine! I guess it's because I know she is lonely and she loves DS sooooo much! I am not backing down however. She has him 2 afternoons per week until I go back to work in a few weeks and then she has him 2 full days per week. I will not stand for daily phone calls with this arrangement in place.
P.S. How lonely I was this afternoon while DS was with her . So weird not to have him by side constantly. I'm finding this really hard. Guess this deserves a fresh thread!!!

That's a tough one. My MIL is the opposite and waits to be invited to do anything with us, which I guess is the sensible approach. However, as Mum to 3 boys, I worry sometimes about my DIL relationships in the future (hopefully I'll be too old by then to care!).

Crayon

Well, for anyone still following this thread -- there is an update. As I was afraid of, my internal bitter resentment got the better of me and I was frankly rude with my PIL when they called me for the second morning in a row at 8:00 am sharp. They were (somewhat understandably) cross with me and asked what my problem was? I told them that I was sorry and that after some time to myself, I would talk things over with DH and then with them. Not surprisingly, my MIL shows up at my front door 10 minutes later wanting to talk about it. I held firm that I just needed some space and time and that we'd have a chance to chat. I called them later that evening after speaking with my mother, and my DH and thinking about how to say something kindly. I emphasized that while I really did appreciate how involved they wanted to be in their grandson's life, that I found their daily visits/calls to be overwhelming. I needed more personal space and I wanted to be the one to initiate contact at least once in a while. DH later emphasized everything I said. Amazingly, even after making it clear that once I start back to work and she has DS twice per week, I wanted the remaining days of the week to visit my friends or be alone with DS, she said "OK, but now and then when I'm in the neighbourhood, I can maybe just drop in" She lives in the gddmn neighbourhood!!!!!! Ultimately, things will likely just cool off for a short while and then rev right back up to where they were before. Instead of being forthright, I will have to be evasive. I suppose I'll even have to ignore the doorbell if she pops by unannounced. I'm thinking this will eventually discourge her. That's all the ranting for now. Just thought some of you might find this update amusing! ARGHHH!

It's very sad.
Hope you can sort something out that keeps you all happy and doesn't risk your baby losing his grandparents love and support.

on a similiar note.....when we moved house we didn't tell my DP's mother the hoome telephone number because we haven't got caller ID and wouldn't know if it was her who was phoning. we took this step because she used to phone our old landline EVERY DAY and sometimes more than once a day.

i'm not a mum yet - 6 months pg - but we have been organising our wedding which she has tried to muscle in on at every oppurtunity. i've tried to be tactful, tried to be calm, but she has these huge screaming fits at me, and in the end i just walk away which doesn't solve anything in the long run.

i've tried to get DP to talk to her about it, but she's totally unreasonable. i'm really really really worried because i think if we don't nip this behaviour in the bud then where will it end? will she be telling me how to bring up my child? hopefully, because this one is a boy (according to the scan, anyway) she won't be too interested. she's always preferred girls (and, to give you an idea of the sort of person she is, told DP that after he was born the first thing she said was, "oh, take it away, it's not a girl!!!" can you IMAGINE telling your son you said something like that???)

oooh.....hijack alert!! sorry bout that. just wanted you to know that you are far far from alone, i sympathise majorly and wish you all the best. xxx

My MIL lives at least 2 hrs away. We don't see eye to eye and I usually manage only to cross paths with her a few times a year. Now that I have a new baby she decided she was going to turn up when he was 1 week old (she was 2 hrs late and expected us to make her cups of tea...) and she called last night about coming over THIS SATURDAY!

I phoned her this morning. I told her that a) it was far too short notice and b) we are at 4 wks far too tired to be having visitors at the moment and making THEM cups of tea. Her response was "well when CAN I come over" and so I told her, its not a case of when its a case of you baring with us for the time being. She said " But I want to see him" so I told her, " yes, quite a few people want to see him, but as I've explained, we're too tired for visitors and we're asking EVERYONE to bare with us". So she then gives me a date to put in the diary (4 wks away) where she expects us to drive 4 hours to meet for lunch. I have said no, its too far for a new baby - and she still argued "but you've got a car, he can just sleep" - so I've said again, its "our decision and if I feel its too far for a new baby to travel, then I'm afraid we're not able to come". Talk about PUSHY! My DH often buckles under such brow beating from her, but I just stick my heels in and keep saying "no" in a polite way, keeping up the repetition in the hope that it finally sinks in.

What I don't understand is how someone could get so far though life (69 yrs) without a shred of empathy, everything is about what she wants and when and how and when she is met with any kind of resistance she has a tantrum. She's probably having one now as I type this...

Here's more . . . MIL just came over to see DS this afternoon --- first time since the "event". She didn't look me in the eye once. She didn't even address me. She spoke to DS in her baby voice and said "do you want to go to the park?" about three times until I piped in "yes, you can take him to the park" (since he would have taken another year to answer her back himself). Then she says to him "you'll have to wear something a little warmer won't you?" So I said here is a jacket. Then all she said was "goodbye" to me. I HATE that this is how things will be between me and this woman who will have my son for 2 days per week. I don't really know how to make it better. My plan for now is to carry on being as civil as possible and somewhat evasive if I don't want to see or talk to her. Once work starts, in a few weeks, I'll give it a couple of months. If things seem too awkward, I'll quit or get a CM (that would be the biggest slap in the face for her). Ladies, I can tell you that you'll never succeed in changing your MIL. Survival mode means doing what you have to maintain your sanity!

I don't think there will ever be the perfect MIL! Can totally relate to you TS, but I am at the other end of the scale-we do not have any phone calls or visits,even though she looks after ds 1 morning a week.I used to think we had a great relationship(DH is her eldest son)and she often told me that she thought of me as her 5th daughter(PIL have 2 sons & 4 daughters)What I didn't bank on was once ds was born,I would be surplus to requirements.Don't get me wrong,we still get on,but the relationship dynamic has completely changed.Sorry if this sounds like I'm hijacking,but I am so reassured to know that I'm not the only one with IL problems.Even though my "problems" are nothing compared to some I've read.
What was your relationship like before DS was born?

Just a thought, you might want to investigate alternative child care arrangements just in case, as it doesn't sound good at the minute. The last thing you need is the stress of sorting it out once you are back at work.

I solved my MIL problem by moving back to scotland with my ds when he was 8 weeks old after partner and i split up
she now sees him twice a year at easter and in summer and spoils him rotten (and me too if truth be told).

I think you need to set some really really firm boundaries with your MIL and need to get dh/dp on side too. Explain that you want to be selfish with the time you have before you go back to work and spend as much time with baby as you can. Screen her calls and politely refuse her invitations to pop round. She'll get the message eventually

one day we wil all be mothers in law (hopefully) and have grandchildren we will love to bits and want to spend time with.
I hope we ALL remember these sort of posts and how it feels to be the other side

My relationship with PIL before DS was good. Certainly there were things that bugged me, but it was easier to brush them aside. Their tendency for daily phone calls applies to their own kids (aged 24-32) too. They call to say nothing at all. They call when it's convenient for them. It's their way of showing affection. What they fail to recognize is that a) it's not always convenient for others especially those who are sometimes tired and are tending to their infant child and b)not all families/people show affection in this way, they need more personal space in their relationships. I think they are dumbfounded and somewhat insulted that I don't enjoy this type of constant interaction. But I am equally dumbfounded by how any "normal" person wouldn't be annoyed when someone calls, leaves a message then calls again within 10 -15 minutes because you haven't called back yet. Then when you do answer, they want to know why you don't answer the phone at 7pm (when they know it's DS bath/bed time and dinner on stove for DH and I), AND the purpose of their call is just to say "hi" because we haven't spoken in over 48 hours!! I admit that I had a twinge of regret for having told MIL how I felt about the calls after seeing how much she loved being with DS at the park yesterday and how he equally loved being with her. However, I realize that I need to set these boundaries for my own sake. I have no intention of cutting off visits but they have to happen on terms that I can live with. As for alternate childcare, it is no stress since I have no firm work contract and could quit with 2 weeks notice if things were really unbearable. Financially, we could hold out until we relocate to our new city in 6-7 months (which is really the thing that keeps me sane).

TS, I think you should have a heart to heart with mil before things get to bad. I am not one to give advice as my mil really upset me after ds was born (long story) and I wish I had explained to her how I felt, it has now gone past the point where I can bring up that issue (ds now 6 months) but I am afraid that the damage has been done and cannot be repaired. I am going back to work soon and mil wants to watch him for me but it is difficult to leave him with anyone, but to leave him with mil when I feel that our relationship is difficult at best and she seems to have such little respect for me will be difficult.
I know mil loves him to bits and I didn't have a good relationship with my paternal gran and I want ds to have a great relationship with his gran, but I find it sooo hard.
I can sympathise with you, but I would try and talk to her, she might remember what it was like for her when your dh was a baby.

Your MIL may calm down after a while, my Dad always has a sulky fit like this after a falling out but he usually gets over it. Katyjo is right thought, a good heart to heart at this point could be constructive.

I know how you feel. My MIL is exactly the same. She lives a minutes walk away. Can you imagine that? She wants to see lo everyday. She constantly texts and comes over with any excuse. Ive resorted to ignoring the texts and the doorbell.

I get very upset bcos when mil is around my lo won't come to me. I told her by text how i felt and it was bcos she was always round ours but things haven't changed.

She will be lookin after him 3 days a week when i go back to work and know that she will bug me on my days off.

We are planning to move home but haven't started to look yet so it will be a while before we move. In the meantime im hoping she will get the message by ignoring texts and the doorbell.

Hi TS couldnt sleep so thought Id MN a bit.You have my sympathies.My m-i-l is generally nice but a vey strong character.A typical Northern matriarch.My dp is the youngest of her 4 sons and at 38 is still pretty tied to the apron strings!!

She also phones us every day for no reason at all.When I go round with the kids (usually twice a week)she will undermine me but in a subtle way and I get "jokey" comments about my parenting skills.

Luckily my kids go to a nursery when I work.IMHO I think you need to continue down the pleasant but firm about what your wishes are route(you are the parent at the end of the day)In all honesty unless you do it will only escalate as other posters have said .

I wish you all the luck in the art of negotiating the minefield that is parents in law!!Much sympathy

Hi TS couldnt sleep so thought Id MN a bit.You have my sympathies.My m-i-l is nice but a vey strong character.A typical Northern matriarch.My dp is the youngest of her 4 sons and at 38 is still pretty tied to the apron strings!!

She also phones us every day for no reason at all morning and night often to ask what Ive cooked for dps tea (wtf).When I go round with the kids (usually twice a week)she will undermine me but in a subtle way and I get "jokey" comments about my parenting skills.When p-i-l do come round they dont bother knocking,just walk straight into the house,which really bugs me.Having said this she has a great relationship with the dcs and they love her and I wouldnt want to affect this by being bolshy so I usually bite my tongue.

Luckily my kids go to a nursery when I work.IMHO I think you need to continue down the pleasant but firm about what your wishes are route(you are the parent at the end of the day)In all honesty unless you do I feel it will only escalate as other posters have said .

I wish you all the luck in the art of negotiating the minefield that is parents in law!!Much sympathy