Resenting dh ... plus a bit of a MIL rant as well

[Resentful]

I've changed my name for this. It's not that I mind people knowing who I am, it's just that I think dh has been reading my posts, and I don't want him to search posts under my usual name and find this. I'm not a troll, I've been a regular poster for a couple of years. You'll know who I am if I mention MIL and elastic in the same breath.

I never, ever thought that I would need to post on this topic. Up until three or four months ago I would have said our marriage was sound and solid, but for the first time in 16 years I'm starting to wonder whether I want to be here anymore.

It started with my MIL's house move - she hasn't sold her old house yet but moved away about three months ago. Because she didn't need to move everything from the house she didn't bother packing half her stuff, so there's stacks of it still left. For the three weeks before she moved I barely saw dh; he spent a week away on business, and the remaining two weeks he went around to MIL's the minute dd was in bed, and waltzed back in at 10pm, ate his tea and went to bed. This has basically continued for the three months since she moved, because stuff has needed packing, shifting, taking to charity shops, walls have needed filling and painting, carpets needed laying, blah blah blah.

He's still spending time with dd; when he's not working away he generally gets home in time to bath her and put her to bed, so she hasn't noticed much difference during the week. But I never see him. And the weekends still revolve around working for MIL/going to see MIL/having her here so she can pretend to sort some stuff out.

He doesn't think there's a problem with this, he seems to think that the problem is mine for not being understanding enough and for resenting the hold that his mother has been having over him while this has been going on. And it's true, I do resent it - but not because I resent her. I resent the fact that this house move has taken four months and shows no sign of being over soon. I resent the fact that she sat on her arse for the two months that she knew she was moving and refused to pack a box without someone being there to do it for her. I resent the fact that I come so far down his list of priorities that it's OK for him to barely even speak to me for a week, apart from to tell me what washing he needs doing and what he wants for tea. I resent the fact that his first thought once dd is in bed is his mother, and what he has to do for her that night. I resent the fact that on the odd occasion when dh has agreed that she's requested something unacceptable she gets all defensive, blames everyone but herself for not having packed all the boxes, and he goes off and does it anyway.

I want my relationship back, but the way it's been over the past few months has changed me. I've become really distant from him, which he doesn't understand because he doesn't think any of this is unreasonable. He still expects the same level of intimacy we had before, but it's started to make my skin crawl when he so much as touches me because the resentment has just built up and built up.

I've been really down recently anyway, which hasn't helped, and having no-one around to support me has been hard, and made it feel even worse. I don't feel as if I'm at all important to him anymore, and even worse it doesn't feel that our relationship matters to him all that much either. I realise that I'm probably wrong but at the moment he's doing nothing to show me that I'm wrong.

I know it might sound really trivial compared to some other people's problems, and I dare say some people will think I'm over-reacting, but this is eating me up. And to be honest if it doesn't stop soon it's going to completely screw our marriage up - but he doesn't even seem to have realised. Whenever I've tried to talk to him about it he just shrugs it off as something temporary, and of course as far as the house move is concerned it is, but it's about more than just the time he's spending there, it's about what it's doing to me and our relationship.

I don't know what I expect to gain from posting this here, apart from it being cathartic to write it all down! It's probably more my problem than his, but I don't know how to kill the resentment and get us back on track again.

That really really sucks. I don't think it's unreasonable of you at all to be annoyed by this. Yes, the moving situation is temporary, but the fact you do not feel you are a priority for him is significant.

Any chance you can get him to sit down and realise this is a ridiculous situation? Are you being really clear about how pissed off you are?

If you are otherwise happy in your marriage, then it would be a pity for this to end things.

(Is Relate etc an option?)

Do you still have my number? If not get on MSN and shout for me. I am here if you need to chat. I will meet you next week whilst the kids are at school and we can go for a chat and maybe sometime soon we can get motivated enough to pop in the gym.

have you thought of printing out your original post and giving it to him to read.

It really shows what you are feeling, and that you are confused by your emotions, don't like the whole situation etc.

And is there anything else you can do to speed up the move - which would hopefully remove some of the irritation.

Although the danger may be that the mother/son ting has become a habit with both of them.

He knows how pissed off I am but thinks that because it's only temporary I should just get on with it and everything will be OK once the move is finished. But I'm scared that it won't because I just feel so resentful of it all. He listens when I talk but nothing changes.

With dh, once an argument or discussion is finished, he thinks that's an end to it and everything can go back to normal at the flick of a switch. And I think he thinks that this will be the same. But it's frightening me how much this is changing how I feel about him. I feel quite cold towards him, having never felt that way before.

This mother/son thing, throckenholt ... they were very close when I came on the scene, and I think that's one of the things MIL most hates about me. If it becomes a habit then I don't think I could stand to be here anymore. 16 years shouldn't be wiped out just over something like this.

I'll me in touch, mummyhill - thank you.

I don't know if there's anything I can do to speed up the move. I went round a couple of times to try and help her pack before she went, but her idea of sorting things out was sitting with a dozen packs of felt-tipped pens and putting them in the right colour order and turning them all upside down so they didn't fall out of the packs, so not an awful lot got done!

There are a lot of things that she only wants sorting when she's here to tell us what to do with them, so there's a limit to what I could do on my own. I might ask dh to clear out the loft this weekend so that I can get some of that out of the way while dh is at work.

I don't know what to do really, I don't know if there's anything I can do. If I throw things out I'll be wrong, if I pack them I'll be wrong too - that's my MIL all over.

Have sent you an email with my new mobile number on.

Chat soon. Take care of yourself sweetheart.

Thank you. Will catch you later x

"I know it might sound really trivial" - no it doesn't, it sounds horrible.

You need to find a way of saying to him that the current "temporary" problem with your MIL has made you realise that there is a fundamental problem between you and that the first stage in sorting this out is for him to take it seriously while there is still time for you both to stop the rot. Tell him that you believe that he doesn't value you or your relationship and that his failure to pay any attention to your current concerns show that. If you really want to be blunt, tell him you are shocked at his lack of interest in how you feel and that it has changed how you feel about him.

Your feelings toward him are entirely due to how he is behaving in my opinion - it's difficult to fancy someone who treats you like part of the furniture.

I agree with the Relate suggestion, its worth a try if its feasible.

guess you have to tell him that this is serious because you are surprised how it is making you feel - and making you consider things you had never thought of before.

It is not something you made happen - it just did - and if you want to be together on the other side of it you have to make him understand how you are feeling.

To be honest - I would also be narked if my DH was acting like that - I could handle a few nights helping out - but not every night.

I had a similar reaction when my FIL was in hospital following a stroke - DH visited him most days - which meant I got more of the share of daily life and stress. It was ok initially when we feared he might die, but once we knew he was going to be ok it did begin to bother me, although I didn't like admiting it. In the end Dh was exhausted by the whole visiting routine as I was and scaled it back, and things worked out ok.

Do you think somewhere deep down, your dh knows that it probably won't be temporary too?
I agree with Throckenholt, you've really put your feelings down well here. Maybe you might not want to print it off but I think if you tell him most of it, it will give him a very good idea of how you are feeling and your concerns.

I can totally understand why you'd feel like you do. It must be tough. We all need some love and attention especially from our dh/dp's.

Does your MIL expect your dh to be there or is it just your dh offering?

I never, ever thought I would even need to think about Relate. This has just come from nowhere, and I'm still not sure whether it's me or him who's in the wrong. He won't go, he won't think that we need it, he buries his head in the sand and waits for things to blow over.

I've tried telling him until I'm blue in the face that I feel he's put me to the bottom of the pile. But he doesn't think he has - his take on it is that he works his balls off for us (and he does) and that makes us his priority. I'd just like to feel as if I matter, I guess.

The fundamental problem has always been MIL. I know she's a bit of a MN joke but she has always tried to put herself between us, and finally she's found a way to do it. Ironically it's by moving away from us - which I thought would solve a lot of problems.

I love him to bits but this is really doing my head in and I can't get past it.

YF, it's a bit of both - it's her expecting it, and him wanting to get it out of the way. But she did eff all before she moved, and as there's no-one else up here to shift her stuff he's having to do it all.

The thing that really got to me and pushed me to the point of posting this is that last night he could have been here - he was home on time, he wasn't going round to his mother's. We could have had some time together - but he went to Asda to buy himself a new pair of reading glasses, which took nearly two hours - by which time there was only time for tea and bed again, because he was up at 4.30 this morning for work - he's away now for the rest of the week.

So how would you feel then, going round while he's away and helping MIL unpack and get it all done for when dh comes home.
That way he's no excuse apart from general visiting every now and then.

Tell me I'm mad if you want

Not sure whether who is in the wrong is particularly relevant and I wouldn't spend too much time thining about that. What is relevant is that you are not happy and (I'm guessing) neither is he. I can only see three options -

Say - "As you are not prepared to do anything about this, I would like you to move out and give me time to decide what I want to do" ie shock tactics (though you have to be prepared to carry them out) Are you unhappy enough that this is a serious option?

Say - "I know you don't think this is a problem but it is a problem for me and I will keep talking about it until you are prepared to engage with me" ie keep talking

Say - nothing, hope it is temporary and hope it passes but try to find a way of improving your life away from him and MIL to releive the stress slightly - it might take some forward planning but I'm sure do it.

The only thing that would stop me is that whatever I do will be wrong for MIL. If I pack it all up, it will be stuff she wants to sling. If I throw it away, it will be something she wanted to keep.

I've decided that I'm going to get dh to empty the loft at the weekend, then while dd is at school next week I will pack all of that into boxes. I know that most of it is stuff she's hanging onto so I should be safe enough to pack that stuff up and it will at least give me some sense of taking things into my own hands.

Have just found my local branch of Relate and will be calling them later to find out the score. Still not sure whether he would come or if I'll end up doing it on my own. And still can't believe I've had to do it.

to read this. Your husband is being an utter arse, imo. It is totally not unreasonable to expect that you should be his number one priority. I agree with getting him to read your heartfelt first post or maybe a handwritten variation of it. I imagine he feels trapped by his mother's expectations and knows you are a kinder person who is easier to fob off so is not letting himself see how unhappy you are at his unreasonable behaviour. I think you need to make him confront the fact that you are so unhappy at the moment. And, you know, if he doesn't care about your feelings having read or heard how you feel, if he really consistently values his mother over you and refuses to change, I honestly think you should consider leaving him.

Sue, I'm a wuss and probably couldn't ask him to leave - I don't want to have to ask him to leave, I want to be able to work this out, but I need him to recognise that there's a problem first.

But if I say nothing at all, as in your third suggestion, it might as well all be over anyway.

"I know you don't think this is a problem but it is a problem for me and I will keep talking about it until you are prepared to engage with me" ie keep talking ... it's my only option, isn't it.

I've never had to deal with anything like this before and I don't know how to do it!

I think relate will see ou on your own at least once. They have a lot of experience at suggesting practical solutions and I think you're absolutely right about taking some control. If nothing else it will make you feel better and if he has any sense will realise that you mean business.

If you don;t want to ask him to leave now then yes I would agree that keep tlaking is your only option. The trick would be to find a way of saying what you think that makes him listen. I think Relate might help with that.

I'm a bit confused. Are you packing up stuff to send to her? Then engage a removal company that do the packing for you. They all do. They just pack up ever scrap in the house and move the lot. You don't have to sort it out, they just wrap, pack and move. It costs very little on top of the moving costs esp compared to a marriage of 16 yrs.
Then nothing needs to be packed or sorted by you, your dh or your MIL.
If it just to get rid of it all, get a house clearance firm in.

I wish he didn't deal with things by shoving his head in the sand and hoping they'd go away - that's what he does and that's what he's doing now. I know he loves me, I know he values me - but this is undermining it all.

I wish I didn't deal with things by bottling them up and being afraid to confront them. I don't know any other way.

Hinja, I'm sure you're right that he feels trapped by his mother's expectations. You're also right that he knows I'm a softer touch than his mother is. I know he doesn't like what she's done but feels that he has no choice other than to get on with sorting it all out - she's decided to do it this way and he just has to get on with it. He's not looking at the wider picture because he really thinks that once it's all finished everything will go back to normal.

Can you put a date on when this whole moving fiasco WILL be over? ie 'By 1st Oct I don't want you packing/unpacking every night for your mother'. Plan to do something that weekend ....

When will you tell him about relate, at the weekend?

If he genuinely isn't aware of how things are and what hes been doing then I'm sure it will stop.

sorell has a good point that it should not take months to sort out a house even if she did leave it until she had already moved.

I wonder if the mention of Relate would help him to realise just how serious you are and maybe at that point he would pull his head out of the sand and stop glossing over the issues (mixed metaphors there!). So definitely follow that up.

Sorrell, we are packing up the stuff that she couldn't be arsed to pack herself, and either taking it down a bit at a time, or getting a van so that we can take it all together - that's my preference but she wants it in dribs and drabs so that she doesn't have to sit in a houseful of boxes while she sorts it. What she wants is the junk sorting out and slinging, which is why I can't do much of it, and the stuff she wants bringing down a couple of boxes at a time. She doesn't have room in her new flat for everything that was in the house, so doesn't want it all taking to the flat to sort. I don't think that's particularly reasonable; dh knows that I think she should have packed it all, taken it all away and sorted it at her new place, but there's not much we can do about that now.

Because she doesn't want it all bringing down in one go, and because she doesn't want everything taking anyway, it's hard for us to pack for her. Which is why it's taking so long. She's coming up every couple of weeks to sort stuff, which we then have to pack and take to her when she wants it, but given that she arrives here at 3pm and is gone again by 5pm not much is being sorted. It doesn't bother her that she's not getting much done because she's in no hurry - she's using the unsold house to store the stuff until she's sorted the few boxes that she's already moved, and the rest of us have to put up with everything else that goes with it.

Plus the house looked awful when she left it, so there's been a load of cleaning to do, holes in walls to fill, painting and stuff to do. The carpet only covers 3/4 of the living room so the carpet's had to be lifted, new carpet put down - there's a lot to do as well as packing the boxes.