Resenting dh ... plus a bit of a MIL rant as well

[Resentful]

I've changed my name for this. It's not that I mind people knowing who I am, it's just that I think dh has been reading my posts, and I don't want him to search posts under my usual name and find this. I'm not a troll, I've been a regular poster for a couple of years. You'll know who I am if I mention MIL and elastic in the same breath.

I never, ever thought that I would need to post on this topic. Up until three or four months ago I would have said our marriage was sound and solid, but for the first time in 16 years I'm starting to wonder whether I want to be here anymore.

It started with my MIL's house move - she hasn't sold her old house yet but moved away about three months ago. Because she didn't need to move everything from the house she didn't bother packing half her stuff, so there's stacks of it still left. For the three weeks before she moved I barely saw dh; he spent a week away on business, and the remaining two weeks he went around to MIL's the minute dd was in bed, and waltzed back in at 10pm, ate his tea and went to bed. This has basically continued for the three months since she moved, because stuff has needed packing, shifting, taking to charity shops, walls have needed filling and painting, carpets needed laying, blah blah blah.

He's still spending time with dd; when he's not working away he generally gets home in time to bath her and put her to bed, so she hasn't noticed much difference during the week. But I never see him. And the weekends still revolve around working for MIL/going to see MIL/having her here so she can pretend to sort some stuff out.

He doesn't think there's a problem with this, he seems to think that the problem is mine for not being understanding enough and for resenting the hold that his mother has been having over him while this has been going on. And it's true, I do resent it - but not because I resent her. I resent the fact that this house move has taken four months and shows no sign of being over soon. I resent the fact that she sat on her arse for the two months that she knew she was moving and refused to pack a box without someone being there to do it for her. I resent the fact that I come so far down his list of priorities that it's OK for him to barely even speak to me for a week, apart from to tell me what washing he needs doing and what he wants for tea. I resent the fact that his first thought once dd is in bed is his mother, and what he has to do for her that night. I resent the fact that on the odd occasion when dh has agreed that she's requested something unacceptable she gets all defensive, blames everyone but herself for not having packed all the boxes, and he goes off and does it anyway.

I want my relationship back, but the way it's been over the past few months has changed me. I've become really distant from him, which he doesn't understand because he doesn't think any of this is unreasonable. He still expects the same level of intimacy we had before, but it's started to make my skin crawl when he so much as touches me because the resentment has just built up and built up.

I've been really down recently anyway, which hasn't helped, and having no-one around to support me has been hard, and made it feel even worse. I don't feel as if I'm at all important to him anymore, and even worse it doesn't feel that our relationship matters to him all that much either. I realise that I'm probably wrong but at the moment he's doing nothing to show me that I'm wrong.

I know it might sound really trivial compared to some other people's problems, and I dare say some people will think I'm over-reacting, but this is eating me up. And to be honest if it doesn't stop soon it's going to completely screw our marriage up - but he doesn't even seem to have realised. Whenever I've tried to talk to him about it he just shrugs it off as something temporary, and of course as far as the house move is concerned it is, but it's about more than just the time he's spending there, it's about what it's doing to me and our relationship.

I don't know what I expect to gain from posting this here, apart from it being cathartic to write it all down! It's probably more my problem than his, but I don't know how to kill the resentment and get us back on track again.

resentful....YES...YES...YES...be active...take control...that way...you will regain your self esteme....anger and hurt will eat away at you, if you dont.
Your dh is blind to whats going on...and thats his stupidity....he will always try to please his...'mum'....but it shouldnt be at your expense...she will be loving it.
You should have seen my explosion at my mil...when I finally let rip....so much hurt had built up over the years....and she got the lot!!!....I tell you....I have never felt better in my life....you just go for it.

I'm hopeless at being active and taking control! I'll probably end up bottling out anyway - I hope I don't, I don't want to, but I hate confrontation.

I honestly don't think he sees what his mother is doing half the time, he just sees the best in everyone. And she's his mother, he loves her - it's hard for him to accept that she may want to stir things up for us.

Try not to think of it as being confrontational. Do you care about your marriage enough to persevere with discussing the issue (obviously the answer is YES!)? Then you're not being confrontational you are being sensible - no point ignoring it and having a failed marriage on your hands.

Yes, of course I do.

I'm still hopeless at this kind of thing! Anything for a quiet life ... unfortunately dh is the same. And I know what the problem is with that - you can only put up with things for a quiet life for so long.

I think I need an appointment with a box of Thorntons and a bottle of wine tonight ... and for a teetotaller with a weight problem that's probably not a good idea!

I can't think of an alternative vice to help you through... cottage cheese ?

I'll leave the stuff that looks like a nasty health complaint to you, I think

God, poor you - I'd feel just as mad and resentful.

The flippant answer would be to hire a skip and chuck everything in it but I appreciate that wouldn't be a realistic solution.

It sounds like complete and utter control to me. She has the added advantage of wriggling out of the work needed by being 2 hours drive away. However, while most of us would help our parents move, I think to expect or demand (not sure which one it is) a solid 4 months worth of work is patently ridiculous and most relatives would not make such an imposition.

The way you've described it it's exactly as if she is spinning the whole thing out in order to exert control and/or have the pleasure of knowing she's still coming between you. I bet you anything you like she knows full well that DH's dedication screams "my mother takes priority" to you.

It does NOT take 4 months to move. As you say, it wasn't a sudden move and it is then, once you know you're moving that most people going to a smaller place would start to ponder what they wanted to keep/dump or give away. I'd also say that she sounds damn lazy TBH, fidgetting about, not getting anything done, knowing that DH will do it all for her if she sits on her backside.

I have had to pack up a 3 bed house at very short notice (abusive relationship) and move to a 2 bed flat. With no time to do any sorting I had boxes right up to the ceiling in most rooms but within a month had redistributed their contents accordingly. I have packed up a 3 bed house several times and it's usually taken me a week. Once, because I was being lazy, I did it solidly in 3 very stressed days, but I did it - on my own, and with a child to care for too. But then I'm sure you realise all that.

Have you actually asked DH when he expects all this to end ? ...... I think his answer will be very telling. If he says such and such date, then all well and good, but if he says "it'll take as long as it takes", then you really do need to have it out with him.

Even taking into account bits and bobs which need doing in the house she's left, 4 months seems an extraordinarily long time. I don't want to upset you or anything, but are you convinced he's actually always round there ? I don't mean to suggest he's having an affair or anything like that, but is he the sort to be sneaking off to the pub ?

How old is his mother ? Does she play on the "I'm a poor helpless old woman" thing, or is she actually capable of sorting all this out herself ?

She is very capable of sorting it out, but gets a touch of the "poor, helpless me"s. She developed a lot of mysterious aches and pains when it came to doing the packing, so didn't do as much of it as needed doing anyway. And of course she's now 2 hours away, no car ... fait accompli.

She always intended on leaving a lot of the stuff behind to be taken down later, but I was open-mouthed when we went round after the removals van had gone and found so much stuff left behind. The house still looked occupied. But of course it was too late to do anything about it then; the removals van had gone.

It's only taken this long because there's now only me and dh to do it, and dh has been doing it all on his own in the evenings - in addition to all the other odd jobs, painting and filling and so on. Fills the cracks in the walls one night, sands them down the next, paints them the next (he's not the fastest DIYer ... we still have unfinished paintwork from 10 years ago - the only reason I haven't finished it off is because I want to see how long it will take him to do it!).

I'm convinced it's a power/control thing too - can't believe it's taken so long for me to work it out.

I haven't read the whole thread - and I'm not sure I can add anything terribly constructive. However. It all sounds a bit passive aggressive on her part - and that always gets my goat.

My FIL died last year of (galloping) prostate cancer. Christmas 2004 was spent with the in-laws, dominated by his illness. It had spread to the bone and he apologised to me for his involuntary moaning: he couldn't stop himself, with the pain. I didn't really know him that well, but it was heartbreaking to see a previously fit and active man fighting against his enfeeblement and the dying of the light.

It was all over in April. Every weekend for the last few months, my DH went over to his parents' house.

That's the kind of intrusion into your family life that has to be dealt with. It's the kind of situation that your partner needs help and support to deal with. That's what marriage is about.

Your MIL? I'd have no patience at all. I don't know how you're going to make your DH see how big an issue this is, but god help you all is your MIL has a REAL crisis at some point. If mature adult conversation isn't working, perhaps you could just book a few days away for you and your DD and leave him to contemplate his navel in your absence?

Sorry if this sounds terse, I've had two glasses of wine and have a lot of spleen to vent on account of having builders in.

another thought - can you get a baby sitter so that you and DH can go and blitz it together a few evenings - that may speed things up - give you and DH a time to talk and be together.

Why did your MIL move 2 hours away ? - usually people move to be closer at this stage in life (my mum is contemplating that - and at the moment I think it would be much easier to have her 1/2 an hour away rather than the present 2 hours - but I may live to regret it ).

Good luck Resentful. Your original post is very well worded, as has already been said. I'd keep it close at hand and mind for any discussions with DH. Your MIL sounds like a total control freak.

I just want to reiterate the opinions so far and say take action now! What has been said about you and DH going to the house to sort things out together seems like a good idea to me, you can talk as you work, spend time together.

Its so easy for a good, solid and passionate marriage to go stale when something like this (the never ending house move) crops up. I totally agree with the intimacy thing, you just don't feel like it when you DH hasn't even noticed you (or so it seems). You end up feeling that's all you're wanted for. I've been there as I'm sure many of us have.

Though I'm a newbie, it does seem an incredibly supportive place here, don't hesitate in letting it all out here, the support is here for you.

Good luck. X

Throckenholt, babysitters are a bit thin on the ground, my family live too far away to do it very often and my dad recently had his second knee replacement so can't drive yet. We get to go out for the evening about twice a year.

MIL has moved to be closer to my SIL, although as SIL is a head teacher I'm not sure she's going to get to see all that much more of her than she did before. She's already putting a lot of pressure on SIL - I think I mentioned before that she hasn't left the flat once in the three months since she moved in, unless SIL has taken her out. It surprised me that she would want to move away from her only grandchild - she was apparently shocked that dd was hurt and upset to find she was moving, she didn't think it would bother her at all.

I took the bull by the horns last night (a couple of glasses of wine helped ... I haven't had a drink in years and it really loosened my tongue!) and spoke to dh on the phone. He agreed with me that this is coming between us, and that it all needs to be packed up and taken down, whether or not MIL is ready for it. He agrees that she isn't making enough of an effort to sort out her stuff and so has (albeit a little reluctantly) agreed to speak to her and tell her that all of the sorting will now have to be done at the flat, and the boxes will be taken down altogether at our convenience, not hers. We will see if the girl next door is home from University this weekend and if she is I will ask her to have dd for a couple of hours so that dh and I can go and get the stuff down from the loft. I will then spend next week packing everything that's left, so that we can hire a van and take it all down together.

I don't know how much of his agreement was just to shut me up - but I will hold him to it.

Thank you all for helping me to see that I'm not over-reacting, and for opening my eyes to the fact that this is about MIL, not dh. Can't believe I didn't work that out before - particularly knowing what she's like and how she operates!

That sounds like some real progress, you need to find a way of "rewarding" him for doing the right thing. I just mean show him that he has a better time when he is a committed husband and father. If your next door neighbour can have your dd when you are packing, why not make a picnic up and take it for the two of you when you take a break?

I can't be bothered to keep changing my name ... if he sees this then he sees it.

A picnic's a nice idea, Sue. I'm not sure whether our neighbour is here or not but she's really good with dd and asked us last week if we'd like her to have dd for a bit sometimes so fingers crossed.

He's a very committed father ... it's just the husband bit he seems to be struggling with at the moment! It feels a bit hard on him to say so though because he's got such a lot on - he's away a lot at the moment and working long hours - but I just seem so far down his list of priorities.

I'm not altogether sure why your DD can't come with you. IIRC (and I had twigged who you were from the rather hefty - or should I say lengthy - clue) your DD is not a baby/toddler. I would be tempted to take her and then if the babysitter is available, go out for a meal or something with DH.

I'm sure there are things on here it would be very helpful for him to hear anyway! I don;t it to sound too "toddler-like" but I'm a great believer in positive reinforcement... sort out you mothers stuff like you asked and we will have a nice afternoon and I will make an effort to turn dull sorting boxes into something pleasant. You know what I mean.

How wonderful to hear some progress...I'm so pleased for you.
It sounds as though you can now get it all sorted on your and your dh's terms....not hers....well done.
The two of you stick together as a united front.
Don't ever let her get a wedge between you...or she will drive you apart...and thats what she wants.
Take care.

Purely to make things quicker, easier and less stressful for us, Bozza - she's 5 and everything takes three times as long when she's around! She's also into winding Daddy up big time at the moment - plus there's the boredom factor which would mean she'd stick it for an hour and then want to go home.

I think we all respond to a bit of positive reinforcement, Sue.

Just checked in to see how you were doing; glad to see things are looking up

PS the elastic was a great big beacon of a clue as to who you really were all along !

I know I only went incognito because I didn't want dh searching for my posts and finding this thread - I know he's been having a nose, but didn't think he'd bother searching for "MIL" and "elastic" . Got fed up with changing my name, and to be honest it wouldn't hurt him to see it - particularly as we've spoken about it now.

He's actually coming home tonight now instead of tomorrow, so I guess we'll be having A Big Talk tonight.