Resenting dh ... plus a bit of a MIL rant as well

[Resentful]

I've changed my name for this. It's not that I mind people knowing who I am, it's just that I think dh has been reading my posts, and I don't want him to search posts under my usual name and find this. I'm not a troll, I've been a regular poster for a couple of years. You'll know who I am if I mention MIL and elastic in the same breath.

I never, ever thought that I would need to post on this topic. Up until three or four months ago I would have said our marriage was sound and solid, but for the first time in 16 years I'm starting to wonder whether I want to be here anymore.

It started with my MIL's house move - she hasn't sold her old house yet but moved away about three months ago. Because she didn't need to move everything from the house she didn't bother packing half her stuff, so there's stacks of it still left. For the three weeks before she moved I barely saw dh; he spent a week away on business, and the remaining two weeks he went around to MIL's the minute dd was in bed, and waltzed back in at 10pm, ate his tea and went to bed. This has basically continued for the three months since she moved, because stuff has needed packing, shifting, taking to charity shops, walls have needed filling and painting, carpets needed laying, blah blah blah.

He's still spending time with dd; when he's not working away he generally gets home in time to bath her and put her to bed, so she hasn't noticed much difference during the week. But I never see him. And the weekends still revolve around working for MIL/going to see MIL/having her here so she can pretend to sort some stuff out.

He doesn't think there's a problem with this, he seems to think that the problem is mine for not being understanding enough and for resenting the hold that his mother has been having over him while this has been going on. And it's true, I do resent it - but not because I resent her. I resent the fact that this house move has taken four months and shows no sign of being over soon. I resent the fact that she sat on her arse for the two months that she knew she was moving and refused to pack a box without someone being there to do it for her. I resent the fact that I come so far down his list of priorities that it's OK for him to barely even speak to me for a week, apart from to tell me what washing he needs doing and what he wants for tea. I resent the fact that his first thought once dd is in bed is his mother, and what he has to do for her that night. I resent the fact that on the odd occasion when dh has agreed that she's requested something unacceptable she gets all defensive, blames everyone but herself for not having packed all the boxes, and he goes off and does it anyway.

I want my relationship back, but the way it's been over the past few months has changed me. I've become really distant from him, which he doesn't understand because he doesn't think any of this is unreasonable. He still expects the same level of intimacy we had before, but it's started to make my skin crawl when he so much as touches me because the resentment has just built up and built up.

I've been really down recently anyway, which hasn't helped, and having no-one around to support me has been hard, and made it feel even worse. I don't feel as if I'm at all important to him anymore, and even worse it doesn't feel that our relationship matters to him all that much either. I realise that I'm probably wrong but at the moment he's doing nothing to show me that I'm wrong.

I know it might sound really trivial compared to some other people's problems, and I dare say some people will think I'm over-reacting, but this is eating me up. And to be honest if it doesn't stop soon it's going to completely screw our marriage up - but he doesn't even seem to have realised. Whenever I've tried to talk to him about it he just shrugs it off as something temporary, and of course as far as the house move is concerned it is, but it's about more than just the time he's spending there, it's about what it's doing to me and our relationship.

I don't know what I expect to gain from posting this here, apart from it being cathartic to write it all down! It's probably more my problem than his, but I don't know how to kill the resentment and get us back on track again.

oh...resentful...the situation sounds awful....is there anyone who can talk to your dh....and really get him to see just how upsetting it is for you...and how doing what hes doing is putting his mother first...and not you...it should be you.

Hmmm, is there any way he can "allow" a certain amount of time for this per weekend and no more? Can't he have obligations with you?

I know that's not a real fix, but it might help lighten the load?

From what I remember, your DH doesn't really see why your MIL is a problem, and doesn't see the ways she is unkind to you. I do think Relate or similar is appropriate, you just need to get your DH to see this is a real problem. (For what it's worth, I've read that people staying too devoted to their parents, rather than to their marriage, is right up there with money issues as a reason why marriages fail.)

NQC, we're going to see his mother this weekend ... in the absence of a [rolls eyes] emoticon, the one will have to do. I've already said that I'd rather he didn't do anything else remotely MIL-centred over the weekend, which he agreed with in a fairly casual manner - but he's said that before and then discovered urgent plastering that's needed doing.

You're right that he doesn't see she's a problem, but I had thought that he was on my side over this move - I can see that he's caught a bit between a rock and a hard place but he just seems to think that because she's left us with a bit of a fait accompli, there's nothing he can do other than get on with it.

...Just wondering how long the problem has gone on for?...Have her and him....always had this thing...at the exclusion of you?

Resentful - you make me so thankful we live 400 miles away from DH's family of I'm sure I could be in the same position as you. A few weeks I actually had to unplug the phone while DH was dialling to make a point! (he wasn't very happy and it wasn't very constructive but it made me feel better!)

You said further down tha he's still expecting the same level of intimacy from you? I'm NOT suggesting using sex as bargaining power but I think for men sometimes it's a way of putting accross how seriously you feel. Next time he comes on to you could you say that you're sorry, you don't feel like having sex but perhaps if he took you out for dinner or cooked (or order in if he can't) a romantic meal for you both at home then you might feel a bit more loving? He can't be allowed to think that his behaviour is having no impact on your marriage but maybe he needs to feel an impact too?

Israel, his mother has always tried to exclude me but failed miserably! She lived just around the corner so she and dh were close when he and I got together, and she has always resented me for "taking him away". She used to complain that he didn't go round every weekend for Sunday lunch, didn't spend hours with her at the weekend, wasn't "available" for little jobs that she wanted him to do anymore - well he was, but not at her beck and call, and she blamed me. If we took her somewhere she would push herself between us and hold his hand, that kind of thing. I have never had a problem with that really; you chose your partner but you're stuck with your mother!

He has never really colluded with her in her efforts to sideline me, up until this. He realised she was doing it, and we could both understand why she was doing it, so it wasn't much of an issue. It made me laugh really; a grown woman pushing her son's partner aside to hold his hand - pretty sad. And when she realised it didn't get to me, she stopped.

She and I have had an interesting relationship, shall we say. She has done a lot to try and get at me and wind me up, and I have always tried to rise above it - it's peed me off, but I have never, ever let her see. Apart from when her shenanigans have involved or affected dd.

Dh knows that I have issues with his mother, but choses not to do anything about it. He has always taken my side when she and I have had disagreements, but as I said before, he tends to switch off from an argument so that as soon as it's over it's all forgotten, so he then carries on his relationship with his mother as it was before whenever we've had disagreements. He doesn't see it as part of a long-term, ongoing thing.

LC, I don't use sex as a bargaining tool, it feels all wrong to me. But as you say, maybe he needs to feel some of the damage from this as well!

It underlines to me the fact that he doesn't think that anything is wrong, even though I've told him that there is. Still wanting that part of things to go on as normal when nothing else is going on as normal feels odd to me. And as I said, with feeling so cold and resentful towards him, I don't really feel inclined to snuggle up in bed and pretend that everything's OK.

So this house that DH keeps disappearing to is just round the corner. But your MIL has moved to a flat some distance away? Am I getting this right?

Bozza - that's it. The house is half a mile or so away, but she's moved to a flat a couple of hours drive away.

If you fancy some time out and a chat and hot chocolate you know where I am xxxxx

Thanks, Tamba x

I'm probably making far more of this than it deserves (PMT doesn't help!) but it just got to me last night and I can't get it out of my head.

sorry. I do realise how it must have sounded. I only meant that he can't expect to have you just being a mother to his child, a lover when he wants it and general household skivvy when he can't be bothered to treat you like his wife - of 16 years! You deserve more.

Dear Resentful....I am not sure if I have spoken to you before on here...maybe even a year ago....I think I remember your story being very..very similar to my own....does this ring a bell?
Mil...very manipulative....always saying she was ill...couldnt do stuff...asking dh to do it.
Using my children to get what she wanted...making out as though i was the one with a problem....a very underhand woman....anyway...to cut a long story short...we decided to emigrate...not because of her...just wanted a new life...thats when the sh8t really hit the fan....so many tears...we were leaving her...it was my fault...so she followed us...booking a one way flight...not even having sold her house...with all its junk....and thinking she would live with us....and my dh...saying yes...that was fine...it was only at this point that i said...absolutely NOT...NO WAY...and he would have to choose....he said it was HER!!!....I was so shocked....and said...the marraige was over..he walked out and tried to commit suiced...twice...I was in a strange country...and he had gone missing....he suvived...mil...is living here....but I said...if I have him back...its me and only me....they dont cantact each other at all...neither calls the other...and I am sure they both blame me...but their problem was driving us apart...it took such a wake up call for him...such a drastic step.
What i am trying to say...is please be very careful...if your marraige is worth saving...try and do something about her...or you will end up hating everyone...as you will resent what they do...why they do it...and why they cant see how much pain its causing you.
sorry to rant on...but wanted you to know...your not alone.

I know what you meant, LC.

I honestly think it's because he just sees this as a temporary thing, a bit of a nuisance that will all be over and done with soon and everything can get back to normal.

But it just keeps going on and on and on, and I can't see an end to it. There's always another little job that she thinks ought to be done to make the place nice to sell, another reason why she can't have all the boxes taken together, another reason why we can't get the stuff sorted and done and dusted. And he just takes it because he doesn't think there's any alternative - she has presented us with this fait accompli and he just has to get on with it until it's finished.

Israel - yes, I think we've discussed MILs before! I remember you telling your story on another thread when I was moaning about MIL. Yours sounds like a total nightmare.

I think you have to put your foot down - there is an alternative - box it all up and take it all down there. Shut the door, stick up the 'For Sale' board and thats it........
You really have to get the message home somehow before you totally explode...

Oh good, I'm glad I didn't come across all wrong!

Thing is, from what you've said, it's unlikely to be over even when the house is finally sold - she's not far enough away to be 'properly' gone and still close enough to demand he comes and attends to her every whim - the difference is he'll spend much longer travelling. Despite my little diva strop pulling out the phone line the other night, I'm not a big fan of them BUT it does sound like there's a need for the 'I'm your wife, you chose to marry me - do you still want to be?' talk - of course he'll say yes and you'll say 'I do too' but you can add a 'but I want you to actually be here or what's the point' or something similar line. He needs to hear how unhappy you are with the whole thing and sometimes we need to go a bit OTT in order for those thick men to hear us! (though I'm sure your DH is mostly very intelligent and lovely as is mine!)

Resentful, would it help if you just asked for a bit of the balance back.... ie you say to dh that his mother can have him for 4 evenings a week, but you need him for 3? And DO something for at least 1 of those evenings (go out, etc) and have a normal domestic evening for the other two? That way you wouldn't be asking him to choose between his mother and his wife, but the redress of balance might help you feel a bit higher up his priority list....?

LC, I worry that you're right - that even when everything is done and dusted he's still going to be at her beck and call. I suspect that a lot of that will be put onto his sister's shoulders though - MIL has moved to be closer to her, and is already being horribly reliant on her. She has been there for three months, and the only times she has left the flat are the times when my SIL has been round and taken her out. I suspect that a lot of the pressure that she has been putting on dh will end up being transferred to his sister, which may not be fair on his sister but I think it's likely to mean that dh won't be put upon quite so much. I have already laid the law down over visiting her; she wanted to see dd every weekend and I have put my foot down over that one.

I think I'm going to have to take the bull by the horns and really put my foot down. I hate it and I will probably not sleep until it's done but I know I have to do it - reading your posts makes me sure that I'm not over-reacting and that something needs to be done.

I had told him I didn't want him to do anything MIL-related this weekend (apart from visiting her) but I've changed my mind, if I have the courage of my convictions then I have a plan and I hope I have the nerve to face him with it and then implement it.

I want to tell him that I have had enough of his mother dictating our lives in the way she has been, and the house needs sorting once and for all. I want it finished with, and it all has to go - whether it's sorted or not. The sorting is her responsibility, and we shouldn't have to keep pandering to her when it's clear she isn't in any hurry at all.

I am going to ask him to take everything down from the loft, whether she likes it or not (she doesn't want things left out of cupboards and so on because it looks messy if someone wants to come round with the estate agents) and next week I am going to spend all week putting things into boxes, both from the loft and the stuff that's sitting in the rooms. If she wants it all sorted first then that's fine; she can come and tell me what to pack and what to sling - but if she doesn't come then it's all going to be packed.

Once it's in boxes there is no need for him to go round there anymore. It can sit in the boxes until he (or whoever) is ready to take it to her, and she will have to sort it all when it gets to her. Any other odd jobs will have to be done by whoever buys the house - we can't do any more.

I feel quite determined now ... whether I can hold on to that until he's back on Friday evening is another matter!

Keep coming on here and we'll boost your resolve!

I will - it's only posting on here that has me resolved to do something practical about it this weekend. If I do something proactive about it then at least I'm doing something to get it out of the way and stop him needing to be away from home so much of the time.

He's busy at work too, and we have so much that needs doing here - the less there is left for him to do there, the more time we have together to work on our own home and our own relationship.

The more I think about it, the more I think this is his mother trying to push in between us again. I hadn't even looked at it from that point of view before I posted, but Israel's post asking whether she has always tried to exclude me has really made me think.

Resentful, go for it !
It's fairly obvious she's manipulating the situation so that the clearance takes an almost infinite amount of time to accomplish, and on her terms. You definitely need to be strong here, and take control to an extent.
I see nothing "untidy" about having an orderly array of packing boxes, all from the removal co. maybe ? confined to one room of the old house. Then the place can be cleaned - yes forget the diy, most purchasers will see beyond the odd bit of cracked plaster, whatever the problems are - and anyway will most likely want to redecorate even if nothing structural is needed. T least there'll be no more pretence at clearing the place - boxes can go to her when SHE can deal with them in her own home well away from your dh and you.

PS I suppose it's out of the question financially to go one step further and have everything professionally packed and put into storage ?

Then surely there'd be nothing to stop the sale of the house ?

Well currently she has invented what she sees as the perfect excuse to have him at her beck and call and that has to stop. Its not your stuff so if she can't/won't soft it out, just shove it all in boxes and don't worry about it. You aren't being unreasonable - she is.....

that sounds like a good plan.

WS, she won't pay for it to be packed and put into storage, we could probably afford to pay for it but to be honest I am loathe to do so, even to get it out of the way.

The fact that the house hasn't sold yet has been to her advantage insomuch as she was able to get away with not packing everything, and I think she's actually milking that now for all it's worth. She's changing estate agents this week, so hopefully interest will pick up and she will be forced to have all of the boxes brought around to her. I think it was always her intention to get us to do all the donkey work, and I suspect that she now likes the fact that dh is almost running his life around her.

It's her I'm angry with now. This thread has really made me see that she has manipulated this situation ... it's not all dh, although he has been complicit in it. Knowing her as well as I do, I can't believe I hadn't twigged what she was up to until now.