WTF am I doing ??

[nutcracker]

Couldn't decide where to stick this but here seemed to fit, although feeling depressed might fit too.

Ok most of you know whats going on with me and P, we are splitting up and hopefully (please god) he will be gone in the next week or two.

I though am making this about one hundred times harder for myself by already sort of trying to get involved with someone else, and to make it worse the someone else isn't really interested, well one minute they are and next they aren't, it's the kids that are putting them off I think.

I know him through my friend, he is her cousin. She lives here in Brum same as me and he lives in London. We have had lots of chats on msn and he is all for meeting up at some point but said he can't promise anything else like a relationship or anything. I mean lets face it there are so many obstacles it will probably never ever happen so why oh why am I finding it so hard to accept ??

I spend all day virtually glued to the computer incase he signs into msn, keep my mobile that close to me it may as well be an extra arm and can't sleep for thinking about him.

I am so close to just walking out of here and never coming back it's untrue. I just canot cope with everything that is going on right now, I feel so confused, upset and miserable.

This morning I deliberatly haven't signed into msn cos I know I will feel bloody miserable if he's not on, which I already know he won't be cos he's probably at work.

I am turning into a right fruit loop.

Plus if i sign into msn and my dad is on, he'll wanna know why I am not at college seeing as yesterday he asked me how it was going and I lied and said 'great'.

nutty, you need a (((((hug)))))

Your self-esteem is low. Not bloody surprising given what you are going through and have been for a long time. Imo you equate being a "good" person (I use the term very loosely) with being in a relationship - ie if I am not in a relationship it is because I am worthless and nobody loves me.

But they do. Your kids love you - unconditionally (even when they say they don't ).

Try, try to concentrate on one thing at once. This guy has as good as said that he'll shag you and dump you (sorry to be so brutal) and tbh I don't think that's what you want.

Hang on in there - you are doing so well

Nutty, you write as if all of this is happening to you, without you having any control over the situation.

The reality is very different. You can completely control the situation if you choose to.

Don't make yourself out to be a victim, or that is exactly what you will become. You chose to have your DP back, you chose to break up with him again, you chose to get involved with this guy and now you need to choose to get him out of your life if he is not able to be involved on a basis which suits you!

It seems to me like you've done a great job at calling the shots so far - you just need to keep doing so!

Thanks Miaou and you are so right and spot on.

He has more or less said I'm good enough to shag and thats it yep, which is so awful really but I am still interested which is even more awful really.

Your also right about me thinking that if I am alone then no one loves me or gives a shit. Plus he is just confirming what I alrteady thought, which is that no one that I fancy will ever be interested and so I'll probably end up with a tosser again.

nutty... i am crap at giving advice... but just to say hang in there... try not to do anything too rash and when it all gets too much try and distance yourself....

Soapbox - The stuff with P is at this mo sort of under control, he has a couple of appointments tommorow which is all going towards him going and I think he will go this time as he knows I am interested in someone else.

I know I also have a choice to not let this other bloke take advantage but it's just so hard.

I have emailed you nutjob

LOL @ nutjob

Which email addy Miaou ??? blueyonder or hotmail ??

Nutty - IM(very)HO - you need a new relationship right now like you need a bolt through your head!

You need some time alone - to get your head straight to work out what you want from your future and to put in place some plan to get there.

Are you scared of being alone - why must you move into a new relationship now?

I think if you rush into something new, it will just be the same old, same old - Nutty making poor choices!

You need to break the cycle - you need to find yourself again and you will not be able to do that if you are always dancing to someone elses tune

Nutty - this is classic rebound stuff and if it were someone else posting, I am sure you would see this immediately - another reason this other guy might be distancing himself.

Is there no chance you can throw yourself into your college work?

Oh you are right soapbox I know you are, I am just crap at doing alone.

I will try and try and try today to not contact the other bloke at all, it's only ever me contacting him anyhow.

I'll also resist the urge to go and empty my bank account and runaway which is what I spent most of the night thinking about.

v. wise words from SoapBox

hotmail one

Well am not doing colege anymore, am just doing my English gcse so not much to do yet.

I know I am probably scaring this bloke off anyway although I haven't been that OTT just chatty etc unless you count a few druken emails.

Thinking about it though, if my best friend wasn't his cousin he'd have nothing to do with me I don't think (thats realisation has just smacked me right in the face..ouch).

Have replied Miaou

Nutcracker, you have all my sympathy because I know how you feel. When I split up with ex-H, I felt desperate to be recognised as an attractive woman & I went on a mad spree of internet dating & shagging blokes I wouldn't normally touch with barge pole.
My self-esteem didn't exist, I really had hit rock bottom. I felt like shit, hated everything about my life & when I stood staring at the tube tracks thinking I'd be better off dead, I knew it was time to get help.
Take it easy on yourself - you're going through a tough time. Accept that you've got an enormous crush on this guy. You are right not to sign on to MSN.
Big hugs to you & keep chatting & venting on here. We'll all be much better for you at the moment than any bloke!

Nutty - you can choose not to be crap at being alone anymore though

Aww Bugsy thanks for sharing that. Everyone is so so right and even I know that this is not gonna help me at all right now.

I do have an enormoues crush on him, have done for years and it didn't help that the week after I let P back, I saw the other bloke at a party and he told his cousin he wished I'd been there on my own.

I think I am just worried cos I know that if I don't contact him he won't contact me, which gives me my answer I know but still.

I don't know how though Soapy, even as a child I hated being alone. If my friends went away on holiday I used to cry for hours and spend all week in my room until they came back.

I know I have my kids and I should be grateful for that but at the mo they seem like a barrier to me being happy, which is probably the most awful thing I have ever said.

Actually I am the barrier to me being happy, not them.

I mean a good shag would be great don't get me wrong, but i like this particular person too much for it to just be that on my part.

Excuse my rambling.

Think i am going to get dressed and blitz a couple of rooms before P gets back and starts a row cos I am on here.

Will come back to this later, and thanks guys XXX

Well the foot loose and fancy free option must seem quite attractive right now - and yes kids get in the way of that a bit.

But can you imagine how unhappy you would be if you didn't have them at all?

Once DP is properly settled then he can have them for the usual every other weekend which will give you some time on your own too.

I think you are right though - you are the barrier to making yourself happy. It sounds like you have never learnt how to.

Building slef-esteem is about doing things that make you feel good about you, not about doing things which make others feel good about you.

I'd look out for some daytime course on assertiveness and/or self esteem. Sounds far more useful to you right now than most of the other options!