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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I a trouble causer ?

82 replies

sadsally99 · 22/08/2014 12:49

Hello to all, just looking for a bit of reassurance that I'm not going daft.
My husband thinks its ok to go to the gym for 3 hours a day, does nothing at all at home and I mean nothing. He spends his time at home on his fone or laptop. He is arrogant, and when hes had a drink threatening.
He ignores our child 9 times out of 10 when he asks his dad a question, when I mention this he says hes busy with work, but hes really busy with his virtual life.
Yesterday we got back from a weeks holiday. He started drinking in the airport going and drank solidly for 12 hours each day. Two of the days he went off on his own to watch football in a bar and came back drunk. He did nothing with us on holiday just laid on the sunbed tanning himself and drinking. His idea of a holiday.
He does work hard at work but works harder at pleasing himself. In the airport coming home I felt a little unwell and said I need the loo, he said "go on then, do one". I had to take two heavy suitcases and my child into the toilet with me. I'm afraid I lost my cool and acused him of being uncaring, his response was to spit in my face ! and called me a scumbag.
Does anyone think I deserved this.
Kind answers only please feeling very hurt and tearful.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 22/08/2014 17:33

I think you can go to the police if it helps have his abuse on record. You're being abused here too. You could call women's aid or 101 and talk it through with someone.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2014 17:45

In the UK (I think) spitting is classed as Common Assault. I wonder if he knows that

SoldeInvierno · 22/08/2014 17:51

Stop making excuses. You are being abussed and you are letting your child down by staying a minute longer with that pig. Sorry, but there isn't a kind way of putting it. I cannot believe that a single one of your friends would give you any different advice. Just leave him asap. And by the way, he is probably unfaithful. He is clearly in love with himself and sees you as a non-person who will put up with any shit that he dishes out

Muskey · 22/08/2014 18:00

Sally you are worth so much more than this.

LadyLuck10 · 22/08/2014 18:10

You poor love Thanks this man does not deserve you. You child doesn't deserve this either. Please listen to the advice given from posters, life is worth so much more than being abused like this.
You've given him 20 years he doesn't deserve another day from you.

LuluJakey1 · 22/08/2014 18:15

See a solicitor asap. You will be able to keep the house until DS grows up. Could you work?

Don't make a single further excuse for any of this man's behaviour or think about his 'good points'. He is disrespecting you, abusing you, controlling you, belittling you, humiliating you and your son is seeing it all.

You can not stay with him. He is a selfish, bullying shit.

Original poster
sadsally99 · 22/08/2014 18:38

Im totally devasted. I will see a solicitor. I really did give him the best 20 years of my life. Totally spoilt him. Havnt heard from him all day. It will be the usual stony silence or sorry bullshit when he eventually comes in. I will be telling him where over and that I will be seekng legal advice Tuesday morning. Cant get my head round it, only a month ago he paid for me and my mum a mini break because she had a mini stroke. Gutted.

OP posts:
kaykayblue · 22/08/2014 18:50

Sadsally - please don't say anything to him until after you have seen a solicitor, and made plans of what you are going to do next.

Things can get very ugly. very quickly. Staying in the house with him after telling him that you are leaving could be extremely dangerous. It might not be, but please don't take that chance.

For a man that spat in your face in broad daylight, I wouldn't expect him to behave like a normal person iyswim.

For the house - staying in a house is not worth sacrificing your life and the lives of your children for. A solicitor can force a sale, or otherwise advice you on your options.

Please please be careful OP. You might not be physically scared of him right now, but I don't have a good feeling about this. I don't think he will appreciate you telling him that you are leaving. If he doesn't like you having opinions on small things, then how do you think he will react to you rejecting him? (and bloody rightly so)

Not well, I should imagine.

Roseyglow · 22/08/2014 19:03

Just leave. please, I'd be gone in a heartbeat, I hope you are ok though :( sending you a hug

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 22/08/2014 19:20

There is a way to be happy but it's not going to be with him. No-one could be happy in a relationship with this absolute shit. You've got decades more of this total fucking misery staring you in the face. And decades more of psychological damage being done to your child/ren.

Give Womens Aid a call. They will advise and help you escape from his clutches. In your place I would stop worrying about the jointly-mortgaged home. You'd be much better of having the minimum contact even if that means being in rented accommodation until you can afford a mortgage on your own.

NO-ONE, in a happy relationship or not, needs a reason to end it. They just want to leave. That's it. No explanations, justifications or excuses necessary.

Fairenuff · 22/08/2014 19:34

Don't tell him you want to separate. Tell him you feel angry and upset, by all means but keep the separation just to yourself for now. Does he know you use mn?

Original poster
sadsally99 · 22/08/2014 19:41

He's in. Walked in and went upstairs, been to the gym though. No he does not know I use mn. Im just going to ignore him and politely answer any questions. Why do we have bank holidays arrrrghhh.

OP posts:
Mrwillywonkasbitch · 22/08/2014 19:59

OP What would you say to a friend if they wrote this? Try and look at your situation from someone else's perspective. Run for the hills and never look back

dottytablecloth · 22/08/2014 20:08

My mum has stayed with a man she doesn't love for coming up on 40 years.

She wishes she had left years ago and I mean literally ran for the hills.

Don't let this be you, you don't have to put up with this. Be strong and set the right example for your children about not accepting this sort of treatment.

LiberalLibertines · 22/08/2014 20:20

If anyone ever spat in my face I'd leave, on that alone.

You've got used to being treated like shit love, this isn't normal, it certainly isn't love, of any kind.

Please don't let your dc grow up thinking this is how relationships are.

Flowers
IAMACLANGER · 22/08/2014 20:24

In my opinion spitting is the lowest of the low. I hate seeing people spit in the street (and footballers too). But to spit in someones face that you've been with for 20 odd years. That is beyond something I can understand. It is despicable and disgusting and just shows that he does not respect you at all. However nice he is at other times, I would be repulsed and devastated all at once. No one deserves this. Be strong and do what's right for you and your DC.

RedRoom · 22/08/2014 20:30

He isn't fit to clean your shoes if he is capable if spitting in your face.

One thing that did strike me is the fact that you said he spends hours a day in the gym and is very body conscious. Do you know if he takes any steroids? They are notorious for increasing aggression.

LizzieVereker · 22/08/2014 20:40

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry this has been happening to you. Thanks

If he had spat in a stranger's face at the airport, he'd have been arrested, wouldn't he? It's not OK to do it to you, or intimidate you and frighten your child.

Please continue with your plan to leave, but please, please do so safely. Make sure you have documents and money and a safe place to go before you go, and don't give him any hints that you are going. Do contact Women's Aid and get some support.

I wish you so much luck and strength.

flippinada · 22/08/2014 20:54

Poor you, this is awful. No you are 100% not a trouble maker - he is abusive and a nasty piece of work, and you absolutely do not deserve this treatment.

I hope you can find your inner strength and put plans in place to leave. You may think you don't have any, but you do - it's just that men like this drain your confidence and leave you not knowing which way is up.

I agree with others who have suggest you contact Women's Aid for help and advice. And please don't give him any hint that you are planning on leaving - don't forget to clear your history on here and log out of Mumsnet.

Good luck.

Original poster
sadsally99 · 26/08/2014 13:45

Wel Im sat here seething with myself. Why ? Came down with flu at the weekend. Husband came home with flowers and chocolates (thinks all is forgiven for spitting on me) he went to the gym for his 3 hours relaxation time. Came home watched football. Sunday went to gym for his usual 3 hours, went out at 4pm to watch football, came home at 1.30 arseholed. Took child to fun day for 2 hours yesterday then came home and watched football all last night. Today hes laid on the bed planning his icebucket challenge. He wants to do it without his t shirt. I laughed and accused him of wanting attention. Guess what, I would cause trouble in an empty house. He just wanted the challgenge to be funnier. So I'm to be ignored for causing an argument. FFS! Has he even made me a cup of tea while I'm ill, has he nowt. You should see the state of the kitchen.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 26/08/2014 13:47

Sorry, OP, but why are you surprised? You know what he's like.

Original poster
sadsally99 · 26/08/2014 14:01

Im not suprised, just angry with myself. I dont want to leave him, I know I sound pathetic. I just want him to show an interest in me. I want to be valued. I want him to care.

OP posts:
Finney2 · 26/08/2014 14:04

See that horse on the floor by your feet OP? It's dead.

For the sake of your child you need to see a solicitor. Xx

Fairenuff · 26/08/2014 14:05

That isn't going to happen though sally. He isn't interested in you, he doesn't value you and he doesn't care.

That won't change. If you don''t want to leave him you will have to accept that this is who he is when he is with you.

With someone else, who didn't allow him to treat them like this, he might be different. He probably wouldn't be, but he might be.

But because he knows you do allow it, he will keep doing it. Sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 14:16

" I want him to care"

And I want a Ferrari but I think we're both going to be disappointed, don't you? You shouldn't have to persuade, threaten or cajole your husband into caring about you. It should be a given. All the time you're wasting trying to get this abusive man to show you some love, you could be out there, free, independent and who knows... finding someone who actually knows how to reciprocate.