Am I a trouble causer ?

[sadsally99]

Hello to all, just looking for a bit of reassurance that I'm not going daft.
My husband thinks its ok to go to the gym for 3 hours a day, does nothing at all at home and I mean nothing. He spends his time at home on his fone or laptop. He is arrogant, and when hes had a drink threatening.
He ignores our child 9 times out of 10 when he asks his dad a question, when I mention this he says hes busy with work, but hes really busy with his virtual life.
Yesterday we got back from a weeks holiday. He started drinking in the airport going and drank solidly for 12 hours each day. Two of the days he went off on his own to watch football in a bar and came back drunk. He did nothing with us on holiday just laid on the sunbed tanning himself and drinking. His idea of a holiday.
He does work hard at work but works harder at pleasing himself. In the airport coming home I felt a little unwell and said I need the loo, he said "go on then, do one". I had to take two heavy suitcases and my child into the toilet with me. I'm afraid I lost my cool and acused him of being uncaring, his response was to spit in my face ! and called me a scumbag.
Does anyone think I deserved this.
Kind answers only please feeling very hurt and tearful.
Thank you for reading.

Can I ask- how old is your child and what was your DH like towards you before you had him?

Putting it kindly as possible - if you stay with him, your child will learn that this is how a relationship is. If you have a daughter she will unconsciously seek out men who abuse and control her, she will accept treatment like being spat in the face and think it's normal. If you have a son he will grow up to treat his partners like this.
I'm simplifying, because of course the consequences for children of living in a home where one parent abuses the other are more complex and slightly less predictable. However, what is 100% sure is that the child is being seriously harmed by this dynamic.
You must leave him, and soon. There is no other option.

I have never said this before but on the basis of what you have written here go to Women's Aid for help and leave him.

Your child will not thank you for staying and if you do stay may even blame you in the future.
I know you are probably afraid of him-go to women's aid.

No. He's a self centred abusive bastard

OP - This isn't a normal relationship. It's a blatantly abusive one. You need to take your child and go and stay with family.

I'm sorry you're in such an abusive relationship. I'm sorry that you are so ground down by his behaviour that you had to ask whether you were the one to blame (you're not). I'm also sorry that your children are hostage in this horrible & frightening environment. Very damaging.

You don't have to tolerate it. There are people who can help you if you pick up the phone and ask. 0808 2000 247 Womens Aid, for example. Good luck

F-ing hell woman, you deserve so much more than this.

I say this without even knowing you, but no one deserves to be treated like this. And asking to be treated with some common courtesy and respect does not make you a trouble maker, the idea that you may think it could shows how much he has worn you down.

Please show some love and care for yourself and get away from this abusive bully as soon as you safely can.

So much good advice on this thread so I've nothing more to add to that except to say that I agree with the posters above. The man is a monster and you deserve much better. Get out and get help and good luck.

Please listen to what others have said - this is not what a normal loving relationship looks like. It sounds like he's eroded your self esteem to such an extent that you automatically take the blame for everything.

It's not right & you deserve so much more. I think you may well be happier raising your son alone in a safe, loving environment with the support of family and friends.

Please get away from this abusive man.

Get yourself away from him spitting is the lowest of the low for me

What an abusive pig

You need to leave Op.

If you have meekly accepted his behavior up until now then there might be a chance the DC sees this as normal and therefore acceptable. Dad works hard and it is therefore fine, in his/her eyes, for him to do buggar all the rest of the time, the DC prob won't know any better.

So I would let it be known in subtle ways, eg looking tearful,distressed that you aren't happy with how things are and changes are coming.

Just saying this as you might have an angry and upset DC to deal with as well as an angry DP if you suddenly make waves. But if DC is aware of DP's cruel behavior ignore this!

Are all your friends, his friends or are likely to support him when you split?
Bare this in mind And talk to womans aid for impartial advice. Sounds like your the hiried help sorry.

Thank you all for your encouragment. I am overwhelmed by all the responses.
I was actually believing that I was causing trouble. I am geniuinly unhappy most of the time. I resent the way he has free time to do anything he wants. Earlier in the year he went away for the weekend on a lads trip, the second this year. He shaved his pubic hair two days before he went, and I had this awful knot in my stomach about him doing it to be unfaithful. I asked him why he did it and he said "dunno, just wanted to feel cleaner".
I told him it made me feel uneasy and he said he was sorry he didnt think that it would unsettle me. He is a very good looking man who takes enormous pride in his apperance, he even posts pictures of himself showing off his body on facebook. I have asked him not to do this and he laughs and says do be daft, I am proud of my body. I am going crazy. He has never to my knowledge cheated on me, but do you know when you get this feeling, I just acnt shake it off. My child is 8 and is very upset by his behaviour at the airport.

OP your child is having a normal reaction. Anyone would be upset by his behaviour.

I sometimes doubt these posts because they seem completely self-evident. Of course YANBU. Get legal advice, find out where you stand regarding benefits and then report his abusive and threatening behaviour to the police. Kick him out off the back of this. You owe it yourself and your child not to put up with this

To be honest it's gone beyond whether he is cheating or not. I hate to say it but that's the least of your worries. You need to protect your child and yourself now. He needs to leave or you do. Free yourself op.

Are you serious? Leave the bastard. He's making your life and your child's life a misery. Yes, its abuse. Who cares if he's having affairs? He's so horrible that you should get rid of him anyway. He gives you no support at all and he spits in your face. If you can't kick him out, you and your child should go. Plan first if you like, get the necessary evidence of income and assets etc, then divorce him and take everything you can get.

Bob Marley/Marcus Garvey: Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.

Your mind just needs freeing for you to see that he has to go.

I know other people have already said so but I wanted to say how horrified I am. This is awful.

So you think that he's a good looking man, OP.

"Handsome is as Handsome does", A lovely true old saying that makes him very ugly indeed.

he is ugly on the inside, OP, where it really matters

Too right!

Only the nastiest lowest people spit anyway I think. In someone's face in public and the person you are meant to love and cherish?

My dad - I can't imagine him even spitting EVER. Spitting at my mum is UNTHINKABLE!

I am not physical frightened of him. Its a case of put up and shut up to keep the peace iykwim. Why should I leave my home I have worked hard for. We have a joint mortgage so I cant kick him out. I cant go to the police because he spat at me in Spain, I cannot prove it. I am so angry I am shaking. I dont know what to do. I know he has a drink problem. He can be really nice when he tries, but he just goes back to being the selfish pig he is. I want to be happy, I want a happy home for my child. I just need a way to get rid.

A man who spits in your face in public is not going to think twice about screwing around behind your back. In fact, even if you found him in bed with someone, he'd probably try to make you think it was your fault.

No-one here can do much for you except express horror, confirm that it's abusive behaviour and offer you moral support. The next step is entirely down to you. For your DS's sake as well as yours, I hope you reach out for some help.

'I just need a way to get rid'

That's relatively easy. You walk in to a solicitor's office and start the ball rolling. You don't need to prove anything and you don't need to ask his permission. Whether he leaves voluntarily or takes it to the wire, you will be rid of him sooner or later.

However, before you do that, please make your safety top priority. I hear what you're saying about not being physically frightened but being spat at is aggression. The truth about abusive, aggressive men is that, when they realise the game is up, they can become very dangerous indeed. Womens Aid is a good source of advice.