God I'm stupid-just woken up to how manipulative my MIL is??

[whatsitabout]

I have name changed to protect the innocent.

Last month MIL came to stay. Always a situation to be "managed". As we live abroad and she feels unable to fly, we arrange to see her whilst we stay at our UK house (normally it's rented out as a holiday let).

She's always been a bit tricky-bitchy personal remarks couched in concern, high expectations/demands (food 2 courses at least,napkins for every meal, cake with tea, breakfast table set etc..).

But she did something (I think) really manipulative or I am going mad-what do you think?

We'd planned a small dinner and invited local friends. One of the friends popped round the day before and mentioned they had frozen plums from our trees from last year and would MIL and us like any? MIL said it would be really nice to make pavlova with them for the dinner. OK I said, so far so good but I'd never made this before but ok maybe she can help? I had planned to make something else as I had no cookery books with me etc..

Took her out the next day on a treat for her that she had really looked forward to. Back home I started trying to make the pavlova. I asked for her help and she said " 2oz of sugar to every egg white-you've made lemon meringue pie before it's the same". OK but what oven temperature etc? "oh 150" She then went out to read in the garden.

I hunted around for the electric whisk to whisk the egg whites-found it but searched all through the kitchen and couldn't find the whisk blades. Time was getting short so I phoned up the local friend (who was coming to the dinner). She brought round her whisk and with her help I managed to make it and bung in the oven.

Dinner party went well. MIL loved the attention.

It was the next day that shocked me. She got up early (as usual) and went down to the kitchen. After half an hour or so I went down and got some breakfast things out. Opened the cutlery drawer, where I'd searched the day before (amongst many places) and there were the pair of blades for my whisk in the drawer, you couldn't miss them....I really did look there the day before and they definitely weren't there....

Brave - imagine posting something like that and having someone take it seriously.

Bless you.

Well, yes, if it helps you to cope with it, Cookie...but generally, unprofessional diagnosis is frowned upon (here at least).

I said the orchestrated manipulation for entertainment is mean...the behavior, not the person.

It is hard to see a person as just plain mean if 99% of your interactions with them are perfectly normal, lovely even.
and
The label helps you grasp that it is a pattern of behavior that will never change. It is not a series of one-off events that are partly mostly the victim's fault.
kind of contradict each other, imho.

I really don't think it is accurate (or helpful to the OP) to say if you know that the meanness stems from a "personality disorder". That is a very grand generalization. Do you mean (pun not intended) this gaslighting (or other ways to instigate a psychological mindfu*k) or mean behavior in general?

whatsitabout's post was, I believe, about a one-off incident, even though it did fall into a basket of other incidents that could be described as a negative attitude towards her. The mil is not local to OP so any interaction/experience is presumed to be intermittent.

My dd is diagnosed with a personality disorder, btw, and she embraces all the help she can get. I understand the dynamic and I shall not cut her off.

Fair points AndTheBand I'm probably seeing more than is there due to my own situation. I'll step back because I hate threads that go off on tangents between other posters!

Gas lighting dogs was a much better tangent.

lots to respond to. daisychain I dont think I was going mad only because we had discussed the missing blades as being something a previous guest had done and I would have to replace them. I was more freaked that they popped up so obviously the next morning. It was like being smacked over the head with a pan.
I'd not noticed anything previously going missing because i dont wake up in the morning thinking "I must look out for people pinching my things especially relatives" . but when I now think back perhaps there has been a couple of things. I dont wish to drip feed but it has got me thinking after all your comments. I bought a Divacatwalk dress for a special party. Looked lovely and you know made my figure a la Nigella. Got to the hotel at 7pm after staying with MIL overnight (she came too) and the tights I thought I'd packed were missing. Couldnt wear the dress as I'd got horrible hairy pale legs so ended up wearing leggings and an old wrap dress. I cant believe she would do this but oh goodness I just dont know now. luckily I don't see her that often.

Funky it was my blades in the drawer.

No she isn't just 100% mean but she does seek attention. I also think I am not her usual target so that's why I haven't experienced this so much. I am reluctant to say more as I want to keep things anonymous.

It has been an enormous help to me all your posts.

Why did she ask about your friend's blades then? Sorry, but it's an anomaly which means she might not have actually hidden them. And if you are to believe she did, you really need to be right before it affects everything.