God I'm stupid-just woken up to how manipulative my MIL is??

[whatsitabout]

I have name changed to protect the innocent.

Last month MIL came to stay. Always a situation to be "managed". As we live abroad and she feels unable to fly, we arrange to see her whilst we stay at our UK house (normally it's rented out as a holiday let).

She's always been a bit tricky-bitchy personal remarks couched in concern, high expectations/demands (food 2 courses at least,napkins for every meal, cake with tea, breakfast table set etc..).

But she did something (I think) really manipulative or I am going mad-what do you think?

We'd planned a small dinner and invited local friends. One of the friends popped round the day before and mentioned they had frozen plums from our trees from last year and would MIL and us like any? MIL said it would be really nice to make pavlova with them for the dinner. OK I said, so far so good but I'd never made this before but ok maybe she can help? I had planned to make something else as I had no cookery books with me etc..

Took her out the next day on a treat for her that she had really looked forward to. Back home I started trying to make the pavlova. I asked for her help and she said " 2oz of sugar to every egg white-you've made lemon meringue pie before it's the same". OK but what oven temperature etc? "oh 150" She then went out to read in the garden.

I hunted around for the electric whisk to whisk the egg whites-found it but searched all through the kitchen and couldn't find the whisk blades. Time was getting short so I phoned up the local friend (who was coming to the dinner). She brought round her whisk and with her help I managed to make it and bung in the oven.

Dinner party went well. MIL loved the attention.

It was the next day that shocked me. She got up early (as usual) and went down to the kitchen. After half an hour or so I went down and got some breakfast things out. Opened the cutlery drawer, where I'd searched the day before (amongst many places) and there were the pair of blades for my whisk in the drawer, you couldn't miss them....I really did look there the day before and they definitely weren't there....

Rise above it, but make sure your vital paperwork is absolutely unfindable when she's around. Also any irreplaceable photos and children's favourite toys.

You've clearly realised this already but she's something of a silent enemy

Glad to help whatsitabout

It is such a freaky thing to experience for the first time.

By the sounds of it she really didn't like her plans being foiled. She may well try something else very soon to get a reaction from you.

Surely All this gas lighting stuff is only valid if the person being targetted thinks they are going mad.

The way the OP was worded it seemed the OP knew exactly what her game was.

In that situation, surely the best way of dealing with it is the cut through all the manipulation and openly confront the gas lighter in a controlled way, so they know they have breen rumbled.

Then it isnt gas lighting because it puts the OP back in the driving seat firmly and completely. And "rinse and repeat" ie keep mentioning these weird happenings openly every time, they know the score. Exposure to the person's game is the starting point to them not manipulating anymore.

And its best to confront the matter at the time of the misdemeanour, a bit like a toddler. Otherwise the context is lost.

What did you say when she asked if you'd found them?! I wonder what stunt she'll pull next. You'll have to stand over your cooking like a hawk in case she adds salt like a pp's mum did!

If she pulls that stunt again, maybe her stuff should start disappearing and reappearing mysteriously? Two can play at that game.

daisy unfortunately "confronting" plays into their hands. Remember there is no physical evidence. Only strong circumstantial evidence.

Standard procedure is for gas lighter to looked shocked and deny everything. Even if presented with hard evidence, gas lighter will make up some old shite about forgetfulness, misunderstandings, etc etc. "How could anyone believe I would do such thing on purpose? Why are you being so nasty to me? You hate me don't you?"

Tears, lots of tears.

Middle-aged woman crying. Everyone cuddles her and says "no, no, we don't hate you, of course it was a mistake, no one is accusing you of stealing!" Everyone stares daggers at poor whatsitabout for making her MIL cry over a misplaced whisk beater FFS.

Gas lighter jackpot! Mwah ha ha.

If MIL is a regular gas lighter, she will be well practised in disguising, deflecting and denying.

People actually do this?!

On a lighter note I was (for years) always taking sticks of butter out to soften for recipes and then not finding them. I would just assume I was losing my mind and hadn't taken them out at all.

Finally found out that my dog was very quickly and quietly eating them, paper and all. Gaslighted by my own dog! :o

Imho, the personality disorder idea is a red herring. This kind of orchestrated manipulation for entertainment is just plain mean.

Yeah. very nasty stuff.

and being gaslighted by your own dog is great :)

I think you were only gaslighted by your dog if he gave you the innocent and hurt look of a dog who feels unfairly accused when you asked him where the butter was.

at cheeful's dog.

I don't think the pd stuff is misplaced. If this is actually what happened then it's not "manipulative" or "mean". It's seriously disordered behaviour.

cookie thanks for enlightening me. Honestly Im with cheerfulYank, just whow that someone would be that scheming. I dont disbelieve it at all, because I was once the victim of a family member pulling a stunt as a "joke" as a child that bordered on gas lighting altho it only happened once. But it did feel absolutely spiteful and nasty, esp from the eyes of a 12 year old. If only I had been stronger and had more support ...

He did Sonja! He's looked older than he is for many years due to a white face. He gave me a very dignified old gentleman dog stare when questioned. "Me? Why don't be silly old gel!" He said.

Hmmph. It was years I tell you!

whatsit Do you see your MiL often? I'm just wondering how long until you have to put up with see her next.

Get her alone. Chuckle dementedly and tell her that you and your friend have been having SUCH a laugh about the beaters.

And, between tears of mirth, that your friend even asked if perhaps your MIL had hidden them, wheeze, sob, hoot.

But, pulling yourself together before final knicker-wetting roar, you told your friend not to be silly because that would make your dear MIL either a cunt or a crack-pot.

Silence. Get nearer and do slightly unhinged whisper.

"And you're neither, are you? But just to make sure, I'm going to be watching every single thing you do. And so are (menacing hiss) the others"

Good grief Monte!

Where you there when I last spoke to SIL? That sounds uncannily familiar

This thread has been an eye opener - was just thinking that your mil is just like my boss. Had a google, and it explains an awful lot!

I know that look, cheerful. Dogs are master manipulators!

I worked with an odd woman who used to take my stuff from my desk and then it'd reappear somewhere else. I'm a bit dopey at the best of times so for a good while I thought it was just me leaving my property all over the place. I eventually realised what was happening, and then her stuff started also disappearing and reappearing elsewhere. My stuff stopped moving around pretty quickly. No confrontation was necessary.

I had exactly the same thing from a colleague. Rather than retaliate, I used to just shake my head and sigh and she would immediately notice because she was fucking watching and say, "what's wrong?"

I'd just sigh "stupid game playing by stupid people."

It stopped after I'd done that about three million times!

The said boss used to root through my stuff when I was out. I now leave boxes of tampons on the top of my drawers - he doesn't touch them now.

AndTheBand

Yes, it is just plain mean.

My DM is mean. I might go so far as to say evil.

Mean and evil are hugely emotive words.

It is hard to see a person as just plain mean if 99% of your interactions with them are perfectly normal, lovely even.

If 100% of their interactions with everyone else appear to be completely normal it is even harder.

It is easier to cope if you know that the meanness stems from a "personality disorder".

The label helps you grasp that it is a pattern of behaviour that will never change. It is not a series of one-off events that are partly mostly the victim's fault.

You don't have to describe a "99% nice, 1% poo" loved one as a mean person, which can be dreadfully hard.

It helps you understand that you cannot "manage" the person's odd behaviour with "normal person" tactics. Psychiatric intervention is probably needed, which the disordered person tends to furiously refuse to access.

You can predict the "random" bad behaviour when you have an idea of the "thing" that it is. Other people who have experienced similar disorders can predict next steps, despite the lack of any obvious logic, because these disorders are a real thing that follow a real pattern. It helps.

In short, if you believe that someone has a "personality disorder", it is easier for you to recognise that you are out of your depth, it is not your fault, it won't change and you can't fix it, no matter how much you love the person, even if it is your mum, or your DH's mum or your partner of ten years.

It helps you explain why you have cut the person off without going into graphic detail / appearing mean yourself / describing yourself as a victim / causing the listener to go into inadvertent victim blaming mode ("but it's your muuuum")

"We think MIL/DM/XP has a personality disorder. She refuses to get help or even to get properly diagnosed. It has been like this for years. It makes her do bizarrely mean things so we've had to step away to protect ourselves / the children. It is a very sad situation. We prefer not to talk about it."

About half an hour later she said an odd thing "did you find your friends blades, I was looking for them"

OP - was it your friend's blade that you found in the drawer or the original ones that went 'missing'?

Monte, imagine doing that.... Only to find out it wasn't her

You would never recover from that.

To be honest, if someone acted as you suggest I would think that they had gone mad