God I'm stupid-just woken up to how manipulative my MIL is??

[whatsitabout]

I have name changed to protect the innocent.

Last month MIL came to stay. Always a situation to be "managed". As we live abroad and she feels unable to fly, we arrange to see her whilst we stay at our UK house (normally it's rented out as a holiday let).

She's always been a bit tricky-bitchy personal remarks couched in concern, high expectations/demands (food 2 courses at least,napkins for every meal, cake with tea, breakfast table set etc..).

But she did something (I think) really manipulative or I am going mad-what do you think?

We'd planned a small dinner and invited local friends. One of the friends popped round the day before and mentioned they had frozen plums from our trees from last year and would MIL and us like any? MIL said it would be really nice to make pavlova with them for the dinner. OK I said, so far so good but I'd never made this before but ok maybe she can help? I had planned to make something else as I had no cookery books with me etc..

Took her out the next day on a treat for her that she had really looked forward to. Back home I started trying to make the pavlova. I asked for her help and she said " 2oz of sugar to every egg white-you've made lemon meringue pie before it's the same". OK but what oven temperature etc? "oh 150" She then went out to read in the garden.

I hunted around for the electric whisk to whisk the egg whites-found it but searched all through the kitchen and couldn't find the whisk blades. Time was getting short so I phoned up the local friend (who was coming to the dinner). She brought round her whisk and with her help I managed to make it and bung in the oven.

Dinner party went well. MIL loved the attention.

It was the next day that shocked me. She got up early (as usual) and went down to the kitchen. After half an hour or so I went down and got some breakfast things out. Opened the cutlery drawer, where I'd searched the day before (amongst many places) and there were the pair of blades for my whisk in the drawer, you couldn't miss them....I really did look there the day before and they definitely weren't there....

Top advice ATBPO. That will be my plan.

Love the cut the string on her glasses.

Maybe you could come up with something that you're going to make etc. later today...make sure what you need is available, and then see if anything goes walkabout...

Just to say it is a holiday let, so when I could only find the machine part I looked all over thinking that they had been mislaid by the previous guest. I thought they must have been thrown away by accident by the guest or weren't in the kitchen.

So I borrowed from my friend. That was why the next day I was so surprised to find them sitting there.

Not only am I not in any doubt that did she hide them, she put them back in a place where you would see them immediately. You open the drawer and voila - there they are right in front of you.

You doubt yourself, you wonder if you're going nuts, you question this, you question that, did she, didn't she, did you, didn't you? - but I for one, don't think they were in that drawer yesterday when you were looking for them.

The drawer presumably would have been opened several times, and not just by you - as you got out cutlery and utensils out for the dinner party - and if they had been there, right in front of you as they were this morning - you or someone else would have seen them.

She hid them. Don't doubt yourself - my ex's mother would pull stunts like this, so I know the form.

How did you manage to make a pavlova in the afternoon for that evening? All my recipes need hours to dry out??

You need to buy her a blender for her next birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day.

It is called gas lighting. Google it.

My DM and auntie both do it.

In this situation my DM would be secretly irate that pavlova-gate did not go to plan. She would have put the blades back hoping I'd comment on it so she could make out that one of the following is true:

• I'm thick for not seeing them before, or
• I'm a liar trying make her look bad, or
• I hid them myself because I wanted to create drama.

Challenging the gas lighter rarely goes well. They want you to feel like a loon. If you look like one to everyone else then that is a bonus. If the gas lighter looks hard done by then that is a major bonus. Maximum points!

Normal people won't believe you because it is so unbelievable.

People rationalised it away on this thread despite you very very clearly laying out what very very clearly happened. Understandably so, gaslighting is seriously fucked up.

If you've never lived with someone with a personality disorder then you can find it hard to believe that such behaviour exists. It is such an evil, devious, pre-planned thing to do, for no sensible benefit. Why would anyone do that? No, there must be more to it. A misunderstanding. It must be a mistake.

There is very little you can do about it other than stay away from her. You can't "win".

If you do find yourself in a situation like this, where you have been gaslighted, by far the best thing to do is to pretend it was a total non-event that simply didn't register as the slightest inconvenience to you.

Do not allow anyone to mock you either if she tries to engineer that. Making you the object of mockery is part of destroying your credibility. Kill it without rising to it. Raised eyebrow plus tinkly laugh with slightly bemused facial expression works a treat.

You know how that Sarah Beeny off the property porn telly can be with people who are making stupid decisions? Like that. With eyes of stone behind the the giggle and eyebrows that say "you are a pitiful fool and I really couldn't give a shit". I've always liked Beeny.

This sort of thing happened to me repeatedly in childhood and would happen today if I actually spent any time in her company.

Your DH may well have been subjected to it. He might not even realise it. Or may not wish to acknowledge it. Realising a parent is actually abusive and you fell for it is a hideous feeling. No one wants to feel like a victim. Toxic Parents is a good book to read.

As much gas lighting is shit and devious and toxic, CookieMonsterIsHot - not everyone with a personality disorder will engage in that behaviour. I know it's off topic but I don't think it's fair to associate gas lighting with a generic term of personality disorder. There are plenty of PD symptoms that wouldn't include gas lighting - dependent, paranoid, schizoid. Narcissistic or sociopathy is most likely to, however, but we can hardly diagnose OP's MIL with a PD.

I agree with CookieMonsterIsHot suggestions about rising above it though - conceding to what is happening or making a point of acknowledging it would end up in your MIL's flat denials and likely claims that "You must be getting stressed" or other bollocks about your abilities. I would want to call her toxic ass out on it too, though

Btw, my DH has been an absolute rock in my dealings with DM. When we first met, I hadn't yet realised the full extent of how fucked up it all was. It was my normal.

He would gently state the truth and leave it there. "You never lose your glasses. You always put them away" "No, you definitely agreed to meet your mother at 2pm on Friday, I don't know why she turned up on Thursday" "I did not turn the heat up on the veg". He left it to me to work out the implications for myself when I was ready.

Good luck!

Plums for a pavlova? What a weird suggestion. I would go with stewed plums or plum pudding.

Can you plant some ideas and see if anything else goes missing.

Oh yes, the wide, fake grin and a forced 'ah ha' laugh, gimlet eyes and bored tone... works wonders.

But ^^ are right, you can't enter into a discussion. It always makes you look deranged!

Agreed mumtosome Gas lighting is a fairly strong indicator of a personality disorder, if done repeatedly. However not everyone with a pd does it, as you correctly point out.

I'd get a little pair of sterling silver beaters made up into earrings for her for Xmas, and present them happily to her all gift wrapped. With an evil glint in my eye. Mwah-hah-hah.

I like Boffin's idea :o

If things appearing in broad sight after one has definitely looked there is cast-iron proof of gaslighting, then I've been gaslit regularly.

Problem is, I was living alone at the time. Gaslighting fairies, obviously...

Yes, people do behave like this: it's entirely possible MIL hid the blades. But until OP has actually ASKED with the other people who were in the house, it's also entirely possible DH or the friend found the blades.

Dear cookiemonsterishot. Thankyou, thankyou.

Oh my god. Your comment "she put the blades back hoping I'd comment on it". Well I opened the drawer and thought shit this is really weird but didn't say anything. I felt my stomach do a loop. Thinking back I think she was there at the breakfast table when I opened the drawer. I was so shocked I didnt say anything.

About half an hour later she said an odd thing "did you find your friends blades, I was looking for them". WTF you are right she was hoping I'd comment on the ones in the drawer. looking back I didn't say anything because I think I'd realised something was very wrong.

Thanks for the gas light info-will check it out. Sara beeney look-wonderful idea. Luckily I don't need to spend too much time with MIL. I can't say more about my DH family (potentially too revealing) but I think you are right.

letthem talk-Thanks to my star friend I did the following and it worked. 140C in the oven then turn oven off and leave in oven for 1/2 hour!

sorry 140C in the oven for an hour. Turn oven off and leave in oven for 1/2 hour.

Thanks Fontella-yes it was opened several times and of course my friend who was there, my DH (and my MIL) knew they were "missing".

Oooh, OK, that's highly suspicious.

Best way to deal with her is to not acknowledge (to her) the little things she does. She's looking for a payoff that either puts her in the hero position or the slighted one.

I believe she hid them. I expect she has got away with this sort of thing since her school days and people are too scared to challenge it. I have a female relative who I suspect is BPD and everyone tip toes around her and makes excuses for her.

I'm not sure she wanted you to fail, maybe she wanted you to not be able to find the blades and then she would come to the rescue and take over, making herself more important. But it didn't work because you found another solution.

Or she wanted you to fail - could be either.

I'm afraid when people pull stunts like this on me I just back off. I become completely matter-of-fact and disengaged because I can't bear being manipulated. I know it's hard when it's your MIL but actually what you did was great – you just cut her out of the solution, didn't say anything and ignored it. Like Zucker says she's looking for some kind of drama and importance. She needs to see you won't bite.

I was not in your house but I am certain that she took those whisk blades. Its the sort of stunt a manipulative type person like your MIL would pull to try and make you look bad.

Do read up on gaslighting.

Yes, you need to ignore. Or shake your head in a sort of knowledgable, rising above such pathetic behaviour, way.