So I just have to hand over DS to Ex and OW?

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

In June DS (6) and I walked into my then partner's house and caught him with another woman.
Since that day, whenever DS goes to see his dad, he is spending all his time with OW. DS didn't tell me this for 3 weeks, and it brought all the hurt flooding back and seemed to put me back to square 1 wrt pulling myself together and getting over this shit.

They want to take DS camping. Ex has NEVER arranged a day out for DS, never mind a holiday. He is being very aggressive demanding that I let DS go with them for a week (we are just back off our family holiday that Ex booked with me, but obviously chose not to come on)

Apart from the way I feel about DS going off with Ex and OW playing mummies and daddies, I have concerns about the care he receives.

DS came home yesterday after 2 nights at his Dad's. He was screaming with pain as his eczema was so sore as he had been scratching it - DS said Ex had put sudocrem on it, which we have discussed at length that when his skin is bad, he needs his prescription cream. All ex ever does is put baby oil, e45 or sudocrem on.

Weeks ago, DS told me that OW's car (ex does not drive) does not have a car seat for him. I told DS he has to have a car seat, it's the law. I emailed EX and reminded him of the same (part of our contact agreement says "each parent will ensure that when DS is in their care, he will be transported in the age appropriate car seat")
Ex ignored me.

Yesterday DS came back from a thrilling day out with Ex and OW at IKEA, 35 miles away. And STILL, no car seat. And he hadn't had any lunch either.
This is 9 weeks since us splitting. Surely he should have prioritised sorting DS's car seat before buying flat pack shit from IKEA?

Is there nothing I can do?

I would refuse contact until he agrees to use the prescription cream, feed his son when he is hungry and have an appropriate car seat.
Failing to do these things is neglect.
I also advise seeing a solicitor. Refusing contact until these issues are agreed upon properly is I think, sensible. You're concerned about the welfare of your son.
you may get abuse from your ex but imagine water running off a ducks back.
He does not have the power to hurt you any more. He has a new bullying victim, let's hope he isn't as nasty to her.

RingleaderOfTheTormentors
Just had a thought (as have just been looking at more car seats for my youngest.)
I would put the onus on HIM now to provide the car seat and eczema cream, or suspend contact until such a time as he has. Write to him/ solicitor write to him asking for proof that he has purchased and had correctly fitted (by the shop) a correct car seat for DS's age etc. Also proof that he has purchased ample supply of his cream etc. This puts the onus on him (and her) to actually have to go out and buy it all and listen to all the safety stuff from the fitter etc. Make sure that you ask that the fitter signs off the receipt.

Don't worry about the comments about tricking him into pregnancy, only had a child for tax credits :) :) :) etc. I've heard all of this from the father who begged me for a child and promised to financially support us……….. Its all the stuff that they tell the OW when they ask why you had kids if you were such a bad woman, it was such a terrible relationship etc…. What else are they going to reply??? "Because I'm a crap dad who couldn't keep it in my pants." ????

Hi Ringleader, how are you doing?

I was glad my last post and other recent posts were helpful to you.

But I was sad to read that you were still planning to engage with your ex once again as if he were a reasonable human being, and give him another chance to crap all over you.

Obviously I don't know what's happened in the last few days but from your last post I'd say you were still in a lot of denial about what kind of man he is, at some level - like the FOG often referred to on the Stately Homes thread (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

Why would you give him yet another chance to lie to you and let your DS down? Has he not proved to you by now that he doesn't give a shit? After what he's done, the onus is on him to prove that he will take proper care of your DS, not on you to keep trying to make it work when he's not even covering the basics.

I wasn't at all surprised to hear that he was EA towards you, and I'm so sorry that you've been through so much with him. (My guess would be that there might be some other EA in your background too, which would have effectively groomed you to be a target for a man like this.)

A lot of people mention the Freedom Programme on here, run by Women's Aid - you can do an online version or go to a group - it sounds like it would be a really good step for you to take as even though you're apart now, it sounds like you still feel controlled by him.

You really do have the right to just refuse contact with no further discussion atm, and definitely to veto the holiday point blank, and I agree with others that the legal route may not be necessary or the most appropriate way to go right now. I was just trying to say that that's the route he would have to go down if he really wanted to pursue contact and you just stood firm and said no as long as he wasn't demonstrating proper concern for your DS's welfare.

I still think it would be good for you to get a free session with a family law solicitor, to get information and boost your confidence if nothing else.

And the Freedom Programme to help get you free of him in your mind.

Hope you're ok. It's been very full on here for the last few days, but I have been thinking of you.