So I just have to hand over DS to Ex and OW?

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

In June DS (6) and I walked into my then partner's house and caught him with another woman.
Since that day, whenever DS goes to see his dad, he is spending all his time with OW. DS didn't tell me this for 3 weeks, and it brought all the hurt flooding back and seemed to put me back to square 1 wrt pulling myself together and getting over this shit.

They want to take DS camping. Ex has NEVER arranged a day out for DS, never mind a holiday. He is being very aggressive demanding that I let DS go with them for a week (we are just back off our family holiday that Ex booked with me, but obviously chose not to come on)

Apart from the way I feel about DS going off with Ex and OW playing mummies and daddies, I have concerns about the care he receives.

DS came home yesterday after 2 nights at his Dad's. He was screaming with pain as his eczema was so sore as he had been scratching it - DS said Ex had put sudocrem on it, which we have discussed at length that when his skin is bad, he needs his prescription cream. All ex ever does is put baby oil, e45 or sudocrem on.

Weeks ago, DS told me that OW's car (ex does not drive) does not have a car seat for him. I told DS he has to have a car seat, it's the law. I emailed EX and reminded him of the same (part of our contact agreement says "each parent will ensure that when DS is in their care, he will be transported in the age appropriate car seat")
Ex ignored me.

Yesterday DS came back from a thrilling day out with Ex and OW at IKEA, 35 miles away. And STILL, no car seat. And he hadn't had any lunch either.
This is 9 weeks since us splitting. Surely he should have prioritised sorting DS's car seat before buying flat pack shit from IKEA?

Is there nothing I can do?

Nine weeks after you've split and DS already spends a lot of time with OW? He needs time to adjust to his mum and dad being apart, before introducing a new partner to him. The relationship it too new for his dad to know this woman well enough to introduce him to your DS. Sorry OP, I'd be saying contact is postponed until his dad prioritises your DS. Also, definitely don't let them take him anywhere without a car seat.

You can't dictate who your DCs spend time with when they're with their father.

That may be true plants but she can and should fight to ensure he is being looked after properly in every sense and that would include emotionally. How can this arrangement with dad and OW be good for his emotional wellbeing?

I agree she should postpone contact until dad starts to behave like a responsible parent and stops with the aggression and bullying and disregard to son's safety. He is blinded by the hots for OW at the moment and seems like she is taking priority.

I got the impression he's trying to show his new squeeze he's a 'lovely dad' but is totally inept.

The PP who said your emotions are clouding your judgement is right, I think. It's 100% understandable, but you need to be able to separate out what a completely detached observer would think. So: caught shagging - unless you were expected at that very minute, it's not 'abusive' but an embarrassing accident. Car seat - illegal. Do not allow your child to travel in a car without being in an appropriate seat. Eczema - negligent. Ensure DS has his prescribed meds with him (or XH has got dome.) Not feeding child all day - negligent.

I'd advise writing a letter on the car, eczema & food points. Keep editing it until you have removed ALL emotion from it; you want it to look like a Vulcan wrote it (hope you're a Star Trek fan ) CC it to your solicitor at the same time, so XH can see. Of course you can say DS isn't going camping in an unsecured car seat, without proper meds, and with concerns over adequate nutrition. I'm afraid the best you'll get is an undertaking to do better, then you'll have to check with DS that he was properly cared for on holiday.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this so soon after your split :( It's best to get your approach firmed up & clarified as quickly as you can, I think, for both DS's sake and yours.

Hope the girlfriend turns out to be more rational than XH where children are concerned.

This is a shit situation all round and I feel for you OP. How has your DS handled the change in the set up?

I have quite a bit of similar experience with my DS and XP (regarding caring for a medical condition and the eating).

The priority is the car seat atm, unless he has one, he can't go out with his dad. This is non-negotiable and he needs to understand that.

Re the other concerns: I know it is bloody hard but can you give XP some of the medicated cream so he has some for when DS' eczema flares up? With the food, keep a record of times that DS says he hasn't been fed and check with XP, it could be that DS doesn't like the food he's been offered (although XP should know things like this).

It sucks when a parent isn't pulling their weight but your DS will soon realise this and get to an age where he can refuse to see him if he doesn't want to.

Be prepared that if you tell him "no car seat, no contact" that he will then demand to use yours. (and probably not return it)

I think he is also trying to show the new squeeze that he is the one in charge

He isn't

I can't hand over my car seat, as EX collects and returns DS on foot. OW doesn't come to my house, so there is no car to put my seat in. Quite apart from that, EX should bloody well provide DS with what he needs - esp when it's the law.

Yes, I absolutely agree that I have feelings here, and although that may be affecting me, I STILL am right wrt the car seat and medication. This is by no means the first time either has happened. At Xmas Ds came home in Ex's dad's car. There WAS a car seat there, but it was full of toys so DS was put in the normal seat belt. I emailed/text EX and reminded hm of the contact agreement AND the law.

As for his skin, I have argued and argued about his care. Ii have given him the email and phone number to order cream. I have provided him with cream too, as he has constantly claied that he can't order prescriptions as DS doesn't live with him, he's "just the dad"

One time he brought ds back after 4 days at ex's family's - his skin was the most horrendous thing I have seen, it was BLISTERED. I asked what ex had put on it, and he pulled out a strawberry flavoured lipsyl.

One 3 more occassions when he had DS when we were on an "off" period at his family's (an hour away from home), he has text to say his skin is bad. Each time he has not taken medication. One of the text conversations went:

EX: his skin is bad
ME: what are you putting on it?
EX: baby oil
ME: Babyoil is no good, he need his prescription
EX: YOU put baby oil on, why is ok for YOU?
ME: baby oil is for maintaining good skin, he needs his prescription when it flares up (prob
EX: I don't have any
ME: Go to a pharmacy, show the pharmacist his skin, they will give you something
EX: Why should I have to pay for it when YOU get it free?
ME: take him to doctor/urgent care centre
EX: how am i supposed to get him to a doctor?
ME: Get your sister to drive him
EX: everyone can't just drop everything because YOU say so
ME: bring him home
EX: FFS stop being so fucking dramatic, it's not even that bad!

The contact agreement is something I wrote up myself.

And just too be clear, we walked in and caught ex with ow on the Friday. On his Saturday and Sunday overnight contact the day after, OW was there. I have told him he should prioritise his contact over his sex life, he says ds and his "partner" are his future and as such need to know each other.
I haven't felt able to demand who he spends HIS contact time with, however, I will NOT allow ex to take DS away for a single day of MY weekend with ds to spend it with OW.
Thanks for the links and support, I will go back and read everything again more slowly now, I rushed through everything to reply.

You know what, AF
I think he WANTS me to stop contact so he can whine about how UR I am. When I caught them together, he denied being in a rel with me. Said we'd been over "ages ago" but attacked me when I got my phone out to show messages proving we were together. I told OW we had a holiday booked together, and EX said "I'd do anything to be with my son" So he's probably told her he HAD to be/pretend to be in a rel with me, or I'd stop contact.
I am going to ask the police what to do. I have half a mind to ask SS too.

"The contact agreement is something I wrote up myself"

No, big mistake, that only ever works if the ex is reasonable. Yours is clearly not. This agreement was never going to work with someone like your ex because he wants to still punish you via your child.

You absolutely now must formalise all agreements legally and use legal means like a Solicitor to bring him to book. It will take time and money but better now than being further messed around like this by him also a few years down the line. He really does not give a monkeys about his child.

OP, you are sooooo not BU

He sounds like a piece of shit (law breaking aside)

Atila's advice is good, love. Do that.

I retract my previous post. He is a nasty shit. There's no being reasonable with people like that.

I can't believe he put sodding strawberry LIPBALM on your DS' eczema.... WTF?

Sorry, no real advice, maybe contact a solicitor, I am fuming for you.

I think contacting the police for advice about the car seat is a good idea. Perhaps mention to him that if he returns your DC again without the car seat, you'll contact the police again, formally, and provide his numberplate details. What is the age/ height limit for car seats now though? I know that my daughter at 5 yo wasn't in one because she was too tall?

I would pay for a solicitor to write him a very firm letter about the car seat, skin condition, contact, food etc. I think that you should appear reasonable in the letter about his relationship (even if you don't feel that way and I think most of us can understand why!), but make the point that you would PREFER that contact for the time being is only on a 'one to one' basis i.e. him and DC, until their (him and OW) relationship is more 'established', and that your DC is already having to undergo a number of changes as a result of your relationship breakdown etc. Trawling around IKEA with the woman your mum has just caught your dad with is just wrong. Does this woman have kids herself?

Children are supposed to be in at least a booster seat until age 11 or a certain height which I would have to google (should be easy enough to find)

OP's child should be restrained safely in the car.

I don't like that text.

dd has eczema, and if sge goes out with anyone else, I make sure she has her cream with her.
your ex shouldn't have to go to the doctor to get cream, it should go with your ds every time.

I'm not making excuses for him, I'm just saying if yoy know whatcream he needs then you should out it in his luggage.
it might be worth making sure that your ex also knows what frequency to use the cream.
if ds's skin is flaring when with yoyr ex, it's eitger that there is some condition at your ex's that is bad for ds's skin OR that your ex just isn't using cream frequently enough.
if we dk dd's eczema cream less often than every 2 hours, she looks like a desert.

Anyfucker
I know the height was relevant. My daughter couldn't even get near a booster seat once she started primary school, if I remember rightly! :)

it's the height or the age, whichever comes first, PB

OP, I dodn't really understand why you haven't siply giver your ex some of the correct cream

I think, to be able to say you have the complete moral high ground, you should provide him with some. If you are resident parent and he is just having access, I do think it is down to you. The rest though....he is a shit of the highest order.

simply given

God, my typing

Think about your son.

You haven't been split long, and already he is having to cope with all this. On top, his safety and health are being compromised.

Stop contact. Who cares if he bad mouths you? If he is waiting for you to take action, then he does not care about your son and will end up out of his life soon enough - if that's on the cards, try and get it to happen as soon as it can, for your son's sake - less damage that way.

Just stop contact.

You are a lot calmer than I would be! No way in just 9 weeks would I allow the ow around my child.

It is illegal what they are doing regarding the car seat, it says everything about them that they think that is okay.

The law requires all children travelling in the front or rear seat of any car, van or goods vehicle must use the correct child car seat until they are either 135 cm in height or 12 years old (which ever they reach first). After this they must use an adult seat belt. There are very few exceptions.

It is the driver's responsibility to ensure that children under the age of 14 years are restrained correctly in accordance with the law.

www.childcarseats.org.uk/the-law/

Failure to treat a known condition, despite knowledge of requirements IS neglect.

Get legal advice pronto.

Contact is for the benefit of the child. ONLY!