So I just have to hand over DS to Ex and OW?

[RingleaderOfTheTormentors]

In June DS (6) and I walked into my then partner's house and caught him with another woman.
Since that day, whenever DS goes to see his dad, he is spending all his time with OW. DS didn't tell me this for 3 weeks, and it brought all the hurt flooding back and seemed to put me back to square 1 wrt pulling myself together and getting over this shit.

They want to take DS camping. Ex has NEVER arranged a day out for DS, never mind a holiday. He is being very aggressive demanding that I let DS go with them for a week (we are just back off our family holiday that Ex booked with me, but obviously chose not to come on)

Apart from the way I feel about DS going off with Ex and OW playing mummies and daddies, I have concerns about the care he receives.

DS came home yesterday after 2 nights at his Dad's. He was screaming with pain as his eczema was so sore as he had been scratching it - DS said Ex had put sudocrem on it, which we have discussed at length that when his skin is bad, he needs his prescription cream. All ex ever does is put baby oil, e45 or sudocrem on.

Weeks ago, DS told me that OW's car (ex does not drive) does not have a car seat for him. I told DS he has to have a car seat, it's the law. I emailed EX and reminded him of the same (part of our contact agreement says "each parent will ensure that when DS is in their care, he will be transported in the age appropriate car seat")
Ex ignored me.

Yesterday DS came back from a thrilling day out with Ex and OW at IKEA, 35 miles away. And STILL, no car seat. And he hadn't had any lunch either.
This is 9 weeks since us splitting. Surely he should have prioritised sorting DS's car seat before buying flat pack shit from IKEA?

Is there nothing I can do?

He needs a carseat and his prescriptiin cream.
Those are non negotiable.
The rest is making the best you can for your son so he can make sense of it all.

I have provided him with cream too

He's just being an arsehole, doesn't give a shit about his son.

So he's got the cream, but just not using it/forgetting to take it with him when he goes elsewhere?

Is it a case that he's forgotten on a couple of occasions?

I don't understand why a parent would deliberately not use prescription cream on their childs skin when they have an eczema flare up....

i can see why you want to contact the OW, because this man sounds like a waste of space. Not a good idea though.

I would write out a 'Guide to dealing with ds's eczema' including all possibilities including when to get medical care, and email him a copy so you have a dated record of it. Then any texts re the eczema just text him 'See the Guide I sent you' and don't get into conversations. And be super active in training ds to deal with it himself - maybe the guide could have pictures, 'if my skin looks like this I do this', so that as soon as possible he can care for himself.

Buy a car seat and give it to your ex, problem solved !

Buy small rucksack for child, put tubs of special cream in it
Type and laminate instructions of how & when to look after skin, if necessary with pictures. Two lots of instructions, one in rucksack, one for your ex to stick up in his house

Camping, why not ? it will be fun

Surely if your child is spending time with your ex, you cannot dictate what he does or who he spends his time with

This is looking at the facts with no emotional attachment to you yourself or your family

Goodluck

Camping, why not?

Because I don't want DS in a tent where EX and OW are shagging.
Because I don't think DS should be anywhere NEAR OW for a long time yet.
Because EX cannnot/will not put DS's needs first.
Because I do not want to give up a single DAY of my time with DS for him to spend with EX and OW.

I don't think I CAN dictate what he does or who he spends his time with which is why OW has been in DS's life for the past 9 weeks, on his contact day with his dad. However, EX is demanding that he takes DS away (when, it is agreed that he does not care for DS's needs over his own desires) from his time with me and his older siblings to spend with EXX and OW.
This weekend we have arranged to go camping and cave exploring. EX demands that I allow DS to go with him and OW instead, after all, I have "two other children, and he only has one son".

That, to me, is like saying "you have 3 cakes, so you won't mind me taking one of them"

Answer: 'Yes, you have only one son, and you can't even look after him properly. Bugger off.'

YY, Castle

I didn't realise this camping trip was an ad-hoc thing! He can't just decide to have DS whenever he feels like it. Sounds like you need a lawyer.

But as a pp has said, you do have a choice. You refuse contact and make him go through the courts to get something official in place and you make very sure they know about all the times he's failed to look after your son's eczema, failed to feed him, driven him without a car seat.

He has proved in multiple ways that he cannot put his son's physical or emotional well being - even his most basic safety requirements - above his own agenda, whatever that may be.

Why are you going along with this? This is NOT about you being bitter about his behaviour, this is about your son's welfare. He keeps on showing you that he will not prioritise it, he keeps on treating you - your DS's primary carer - with utter disrespect - and yet you still seem to feel like you owe him something, like he has more say in this than you do.

You don't have to hand him over like this. You have very good reasons not to hand him over. There is, at present, no outside agency obliging you to do so.

I'm wondering why you don't seem to think you have the authority to just say no? Not meaning to bash you, OP, it's very clear to me that you're the good guy here, you're the parent who actually cares about your DS, but you sound as if you feel powerless in this situation, and you're not. You don't just have a right to exercise authority here, you have a duty to protect your DS. Coming home with his eczema all blistered is terrible, poor love.

Could you go and get a free 30 min session with a family law specialist and tell them what you've told us and see what they say about what your obligations are (or aren't) re contact? See what they think the courts would say about a parent who won't give his son the medication he needs, won't abide by the law re car seats, won't even ensure he has regular meals?

And also think about why you don't seem to be able to trust yourself and your own judgement when it comes to the care of your DS, why your ex's opinion/demands seem to carry more weight with you than your own opinions and your son's needs....

Absolutely refuse. Tell him that you don't trust him to prioritise your son's needs, that he is not abiding by the contact agreement you mutually drew up and that it is too soon for DS to be going on holiday with ex's new partner. He will rant, rave, play the victim - but your son will be with you and safe. You can then decide whether to go down the legal route immediately or let the dust settle first.

And I agree with what Talking said in post above. Has this man worn you down or bullied you? Do you have low self-esteem generally? Because you sound like a good mother who loves her children and shouldn't be having to second guess yourself all the time

Did you photograph the eczema?
Did you manage to show it to HCP - HV for example, so that it could be documented that your ex didn't apply the cream when needed?

Op, as talkinginthedark says, go to a solicitor for a free session & be prepared to pay for a letter.
You have been more than reasonable in allowing your ExP access, but it hasn't been good for your son.
If he did go on this holiday, are you confident that ExP would protect DS's skin against sunburn? Could DS cope for a number of days with strawberry lipsyl being rubbed in....to sunburn?
Did you have to take Ds to the Dr's with his eczema after any of his contact visits as a result of ExP' s poor/lack of parental care?
ExP is not concerning himself with the real responsibilities of parenting. He is acting a part of Happy Dad with his new Gf, probably to impress & show that he's not a sh*t who would walk off & leave his family.
I understand that you don't want your Ds plonked in a tent in the middle of their rosy camping holiday, but that's not the reason Ds isn't going with them
Ds is not going because:

1. His safety is being very compromised as you are aware that he has been transported in a car, by them, without a car seat. As well as endangering Ds's personal safety, they are breaking the law.
2. Ds's medical health has been compromised, resulting in Ds having to go to the Dr's/miss time from school/having bad eczema flare-ups.
3. You have allowed for ExP to have contact so far, because you have believed that contact was in the best emotional health interests of your child. However, a few days/a week away from you, Mum, at such a distressing time & to be spending it with ExP and another woman, is not in the best emotional health care interests of your Ds. You don't want him being traumatised by homesickness or being confronted by Dad in an obvious relationship with an ow. This is for adults to deal with, not children. Ok, so, I'm sorry about the essay, but be smart with this man who seems to want everything on his own terms. Get yourself to a solicitor ASAP & have a legally binding contact order drawn up. As an aside, I take it that ExP is paying his son's maintenance? Oh, & YANBU!

Talking (and others) thank you for your post. It has helped me put a bit of steel in my spine.

Yes skinnychip he has bullied and worn me down over years, gas lighting, EA. I didn't know what it was til I posted here, and I got some amazing help. I did go back though, coz I'm a dick.

He calls into question my parenting constantly - yet when we were together, he was very happy with my parenting and my lifestyle. I had 2 children before we met, and he thought i was a brilliant mum (and I am, most of the time, though having this shit in my life really fucking drags me down, and it's hard to be a brilliant mum when you've had the fight and joie de vivre kicked out of you)

He says I only got pregnant to claim benefits (I work - hard, in a well paid job but it's part time so I get tax credits) and he claims I got pregnant to trap him (we planned ds) and he says I only had DS to claim 15% of his income in CSA. He has never paid for DS, until 9 weeks ago when I told him I wanted £40 per week, which is a damn sight less than CSA would demand.

I will email him today and ask what he has been using on DS's skin, and question him about the car seat and food on Monday. This will start a load of abuse coming my way. It's all he wants to do.

I wouldn't allow contact until he can look after your DS properly. That text stream was so petulant. His son was in pain - why on earth wouldn't he do what was needed to help him? Why did he write to you in the first place if he's going to criticise what you say? It's hardly ticket science to use ezcema cream on ezcema.

Gah, rocket science

I would only communicate by email and save everything as evidence of his lack of care and responsibility.

Emails can all be produced in court should he decide to spend the time, effort and money to take you there (which he probably won't).

In your very first post you say that you have a contact agreement that stipulates that Ds will be transported in a suitable car seat.
He has broken that agreement.
Don't let him take have contact with your DS again.
See a solicitor.

I have been in a very similar situation. Firstly communicate by email so everything is documented.
Offer to go to mediation so that a third party can help you both to come up with a reasonable plan. He may refuse to go, but if you end up in court it reflects very well on you that you tried to resolve this via the mediation route.
The car seat and medication are absolutes that have to be right for your DS's safety and well being no reasonable person would disagree with that.
Your need to take the OW out of all your discussions, yes he is wrong for introducing her so early, but you can't stop it. It will come back and bite him on the bum when your DS is older and pieces it all together, but that is his look out.
If you feel your DS is not safe it is your responsability under the children's act to refuse contact, make sure you put in writing why you are refusing contact and then don your flame retardant suit. Refusing contact due to safety concerns is the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life due to the torrent of abuse via phone, e-mail and text I received from my Ex and every other Tom, Dick and Harry who thought their opinion counted.

What AnyFucker said.

Breaking the law and endangering my child's safety in that way would make me very ragey...

Is the poor boy having a flare up of has eczema due to stress/anxiety?

Ie anxious at his dad's house.

*He calls into question my parenting constantly - yet when we were together, he was very happy with my parenting and my lifestyle. I had 2 children before we met, and he thought i was a brilliant mum (and I am, most of the time, though having this shit in my life really fucking drags me down, and it's hard to be a brilliant mum when you've had the fight and joie de vivre kicked out of you)

He says I only got pregnant to claim benefits (I work - hard, in a well paid job but it's part time so I get tax credits) and he claims I got pregnant to trap him (we planned ds) and he says I only had DS to claim 15% of his income in CSA. He has never paid for DS, until 9 weeks ago when I told him I wanted £40 per week, which is a damn sight less than CSA would demand*

This is where it is clear he has that emotional bullying power over you. It's all about what he says and you have been ground down.

Please put aside what 'he' says, what 'he' think os you, it's all done to weild control over you. You take a deep breath and prepare to do battle with this man, once you stand up to him it will get easier, it's the only way to deal with bully's.

Get legal advice but I would urge caution on getting a contact order though from the court because this will actually work in his favour because if he continues to be an careless arse with your son and there is a contact order in place on when he has access etc it will be 'you' in contempt of the order if you don't allow the contact to take place, even if you have just cause it will be a wrangle.

I would email him saying that he wouldn't be able to take ds camping anyway because he doesn't have a car seat so it's not even a possibility.

Then, presumably, his reply would confirm, in writing, that he didn't have a car seat even if he says he's got one now or will get one, it will still confirm that the last time he had him he allowed him to travel in a car without one.

I would not go to mediation given his abusive behaviour towards you when you were together. You need legal advice and a properly drawn up (i.e. by legal means) contact agreement. Informal arrangements were never going to work out with him because of his inherent unreasonableness.

With a legal contract she is legally bound to comply, I would worry about this considering his behaviour, he could trot off with no car seat and no cream and throw 'oh but it's all legal now, I have my son today the document says so' in her face.