Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

hubby went on stag do last night and didn't text me all night...

88 replies

hudsonriver1 · 17/08/2014 09:49

Right tell me I'm over reacting but be gentle cos I'm 35 weeks pregnant. Feeling rather awful anyway.

Hubby went on stag do yesterday, had been winding me up about strippers etc all day and made me feel quite upset. He got to the hotel and was texting and then heard nothing until 9.30 this morning. I text him saying thanks for the text :(.and he replied 'morning'. Yet he had time to log into Facebook in the early hours.

Just feel a bit :(

I also am struggling with trust at the mo. He's very secretive with his phone, always has been. The other day he got a message on Fb which he said wasn't his phone making the noise but I knew it was. He denied it for ages and then finally sent me a picture of a naked girl his nephew had sent him on there. He's added a really pretty girl recently at work that bothers me. He put £70 into a 'secret' account a few months ago and then said it was for his son but then spend it on I don't know what and I couldn't even find a.card for the account....

Please tell me it's my hormones and I'm over reacting.

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 17/08/2014 11:15

It doesn't sound promising. Probably get worse once baby arrives, this is usually a testing time.

borisgudanov · 17/08/2014 11:21

Well Finnsmum whether he's having an affair or not he's still a total arse and he needs a nasty surprise. He probably thinks that if OP is 35 weeks pregnant she needs him more than he needs her so he can get away with Behaving Like A Twat ad libitum. Call his bluff and chuck his arse out. He may then wise up. If not, you have your answer.

Pastperfect · 17/08/2014 11:38

You know what, I've had four babies and never once have I felt the size of a house and insecure and paranoid.

That is because my DH is a caring and considerate man, who would never act as childishly and thoughtlessly as the OPs partner. He has never tried to wind me up, or provoke or encourage insecurities because he loves and respects me.

He has never had to act stupidly before the baby arrives because he has anticipated each of their births with as much excitement and longing as I have.

He had never hidden his phone, or money because...well why would he? I am a partner and we have and equal and transparent relationship.

It is clear to anyone with more than a brain cell that this is not just about not texting on a night out- that is just one part of a pattern of behaviour that says this man really doesn't care.

OP think about what you want. You really don't have to put up with this and if you feel you should it might be helpful to consider why.

Vivacia · 17/08/2014 11:55

Great post pastperfect

FinnsMum19 · 17/08/2014 12:06

I completely agree that something isn't right here and the OP needs to address it, however the amount of women telling a heavily pregnant woman to leave her husband after hearing one side of a story is worrying. Should she not be talking to him before making a decision that big?

I haven't read other threads OP, so I don't know the background but I hope you're ok and things get sorted for you x

helensburgh · 17/08/2014 12:10

Many hugs, I don't have any idea if he is messing around or not and I am horrified others are being so very blunt with you.

You need to confront him. Anyone not hiding anything will be able to prove re money eye etc

kaykayblue · 17/08/2014 12:22

I don't really agree with people that he is definitely having an affair, but it isn't great that he is so secretive with his phone, that he lies to you about the sort of communication he's having.

(And the fact that he clearly finds it funny for mates to send him pictures of naked women...urgh. Well to me he just sounds like an immature, misogynistic cunt that sees women as objects. But granted I have very low tolerance for bullshit like that).

Other things that are concerning would be:

Him deliberately upsetting you by joking about strippers all day.

Of course. What could possibly be funnier for a heavily pregnant woman to hear from her partner.

Him not bothering to contact you in the morning to see if you were okay.

I think not texting during the actual do is fair enough, as he'll obviously be drunk and busy with friends. I think it would have been different if you were trying to get through to him and he wasn't answering (like if you had gone into labour early or something and couldn't get hold of him).

You being worried to look at his e-mails in case you find evidence that he IS having an affair.

I'm not saying you should be raring to go through his private stuff - but that should be either because you have absolutely no reason to doubt him, so there's no need, or because your suspicions over his behaviour aren't strong enough for you to feel comfortable intruding on his privacy.

It shouldn't be because you are scared of what you might find. That just shows quite how low your level of trust is.

I really don't like the fact that you seem to say that he accuses you of nagging or dragging him down or whatever, whenever you challenge him over him behaving like a dick. That's incredibly manipulative, but I might have just mis interpreted what you typed.

I'm not saying LTB - especially not over something like this. But you do really need to resolve these underlying trust issues in your relationship. That ISN'T you just smiling like a Stepford wife and believing everything that comes out of his mouth. That's about him taking action to be more trustworthy, and both of you communicating about what you need.

ChangelingToday · 17/08/2014 12:25

I am annoyed on your behalf that he was winding you up about strippers when you are heavily pregnant and probably not feeling at your most attractive (well I know I wasn't at 35 weeks!) that was extremely insensitive of him! I think it's odd he logged into fb in the early hours but didn't text you-maybe he was afraid to wake you?? Dh always texts me anyway when he's out no matter what the hour though but maybe that's just our thing.

I think further investigation is required as there seems to be more than a few things that have happened that aren't quite right. I hope you are doing ok and trying to relax somewhat.

ChangelingToday · 17/08/2014 12:29

I agree with Kaykay and also just wanted to add that dh would never have gone on a stag overnight when i was so far along pregnant either, he wouldn't have enjoyed the night.

Rockethorse · 17/08/2014 12:43

Hudson sorry I've read some of your other threads and I think you know the answer but what does he give you? Are all the negatives worth the few positives?

Fairenuff · 17/08/2014 12:57

had been winding me up about strippers etc all day and made me feel quite upset

OP, a man who cares about his partner doesn't do this. My dh and plenty of others like him would never purposefully upset their pregnant wife for fun. This is really, really bad.

alphabook · 17/08/2014 12:58

I don't think this is LTB territory purely based on this post, but I think you need to communicate.

Winding you up about strippers is very immature, but did he know you were upset about it? If not, tell him. He probably thought he was being funny.

If I go out and have a few drinks I don't necessarily text my husband. I might log into facebook in the early hours but I wouldn't want to wake him up by texting at that time anyway.

If he's secretive with his phone, you need to ask him why and get to the bottom of it, don't let him fob you off.

You need to tell him if you don't find porn acceptable.

He's allowed to have female friends, regardless of whether they are pretty or not.

You need to ask him why he has a secret bank account.

butterflybuttons · 17/08/2014 12:59

He has paid for porn in the past, he was also on dating websites at the beginning of your relationship. He swears at your children - yet you still married him. You are now having his child and his behaviour has not improved. You justify his porn use saying men are visual and they all do it.

I am sorry but your relationship with this man has more issues than the Radio Times.

What are you going to do - because he will not change. He will just get better at hiding his behaviours from you and will be more secretive with his phone, FB, bank accounts, etc.

What are you going to do to protect yourself and your children? And why do you think this is all you deserve?

DiaDuit · 17/08/2014 15:02

thinkING I'm going to end up being single.

Oh the horror! Imagine a woman being single. Scandalous!

Being single is better than being with a dickhead who lies and hides money from you. Far better (speaking from experience)

Being single when you end a relationship is not "ending up single" there is no law to say you either have to be with this man or no man at all. There are lovely decent men out there.

Nothing wrong with being single.

I left exp 6 weeks before ds was born. Far easier raising a baby not worrying about lies and hidden money and other women that hes rubbing in your face.

Original poster

hudsonriver1 · 17/08/2014 17:45

Just thought I would update. H came home this morning. No mention of strippers and I'm not even going to ask but he only spend £40 and said he was far to old for nights out on the town now. I have told him how I feel, he was messing around re the strippers but I said it was insensitive.

The problem with the porn was he was paying for it which I didn't like, I'm not to bothered if he watches it for free.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 17/08/2014 17:51

Well, I hope that you and hubby are happier from now.

Fairenuff · 17/08/2014 18:18

The problem with the porn was he was paying for it which I didn't like, I'm not to bothered if he watches it for free.

So it's just the cost that bothers you? What about if he went to the cinema to see the latest bond move or something, would that bother you too?

Strange logic there.

Dontgotosleep · 17/08/2014 18:23

It's meant to mean. Letting off some steam. I do not want to upset a pregnant women but if you do not want advice and can't not handle the views of others without being, well quite frankly "Rude" then maybe do not post on a public forum.

BringMeSunshine2014 · 17/08/2014 18:24

He only spent 40 that you know about.

He's appeased you this time by saying 'he's too old for nights out'.

... & what about the rest of it??

I also am struggling with trust at the mo. He's very secretive with his phone, always has been. The other day he got a message on Fb which he said wasn't his phone making the noise but I knew it was. He denied it for ages and then finally sent me a picture of a naked girl his nephew had sent him on there. He's added a really pretty girl recently at work that bothers me. He put 70 into a 'secret' account a few months ago and then said it was for his son but then spend it on I don't know what and I couldn't even find a.card for the account....

Love, you are heavily pregnant and scared of being alone, I get that... however, choosing to ignore the rest of this doesn't mean it didn't happen or wont happen again... it wont just 'go away'.

We're here when you need us OK.

BringMeSunshine2014 · 17/08/2014 18:27

Dontgotosleep - I can't see a single post where the OP has been rude?

She didn't understand your comment and asked what you meant. Sadly I think she's in denial (hardly surprising at 35 weeks pregnant), but I don't think she has been rude at all.

Dontgotosleep · 17/08/2014 18:33

O.K I see that point. However the What's that meant to mean comment, she was quick enough to say that. However on the flip side I got no thanks for congratualtion her on her pregnancy which I did not have to do, so sorry but her comment did come over to me as "Rude" very rude infact. but we all have our own perceptions of rudness, don't we

Original poster

hudsonriver1 · 17/08/2014 18:37

Rude?! I simply asked what's that suppose to mean and not in a rude way, I simply didn't understand what u meant!!!! God there's some very opinionated people on here and I wished I never started the conversation!

Rude, as if!

OP posts:

Original poster

hudsonriver1 · 17/08/2014 18:38

Oh and £40 yeah, we have joint bank account and that's what he took with him so that's how I know!

OP posts:

Dontgotosleep · 17/08/2014 18:40

Not arguing with you as you are pregnant and would never stoop that low but I will stand by the fact that I do feel you were rude to me and no-one is allowed to validate anyone's feelings

phoebeflangey · 17/08/2014 18:55

Wish people would post on here that actually want to know opinions. Sounds to me Op like you don't like what you're heating on here as you're "scared" of it being true. Believe me, speaking from experience, it's much better to accept what you already know sooner rather than later. Good luck op.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread