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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

hubby went on stag do last night and didn't text me all night...

88 replies

hudsonriver1 · 17/08/2014 09:49

Right tell me I'm over reacting but be gentle cos I'm 35 weeks pregnant. Feeling rather awful anyway.

Hubby went on stag do yesterday, had been winding me up about strippers etc all day and made me feel quite upset. He got to the hotel and was texting and then heard nothing until 9.30 this morning. I text him saying thanks for the text :(.and he replied 'morning'. Yet he had time to log into Facebook in the early hours.

Just feel a bit :(

I also am struggling with trust at the mo. He's very secretive with his phone, always has been. The other day he got a message on Fb which he said wasn't his phone making the noise but I knew it was. He denied it for ages and then finally sent me a picture of a naked girl his nephew had sent him on there. He's added a really pretty girl recently at work that bothers me. He put £70 into a 'secret' account a few months ago and then said it was for his son but then spend it on I don't know what and I couldn't even find a.card for the account....

Please tell me it's my hormones and I'm over reacting.

OP posts:

DuckandCat · 17/08/2014 10:18

*feel so crap

butterflybuttons · 17/08/2014 10:19

Spending money on porn too - this is like bastard bingo isn't it? Why are you with him? He sounds utter hell. And then he minimises his behaviour by saying he is depressed and you nag too much? Time to wake up and smell the coffee - I would wonder if he has never been faithful to you. He certainly has no respect for you whatsoever. You are not paranoid or whining - he is stacking up to be an unfaithful, porn using arse.

Original poster

hudsonriver1 · 17/08/2014 10:21

The naked picture was because he felt bad as he denied it and I'm glad he was honest about it but not happy he denied it to start with.

Money, there was just that 1 time and it still grates on me now.

Strippers, I guess he thought he was being funny but really not.

I do love him and we get on well but it's just these issues now and then

OP posts:

OxfordBags · 17/08/2014 10:21

What's wrong with moaning - especially as you clearly have a hell of a lot to moan about?! You need to moan MORE, not less, OP. He is treating you unacceptably.

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 17/08/2014 10:27

What kind of relationship do you had if you can't say "hey you know there is a few things bothering me..."

You have to communicate. If you genuinely think he's just being a bit of a dick without really realising it then he's not going to realise and stop unless you say something.

Regardless to what I personally think may be going on (because it doesn't really matter what we all think only what you do) you have to have an adult conversation with your husband about how you're feeling.

Original poster

hudsonriver1 · 17/08/2014 10:29

Yes I agree I need to say something just not sure how to approach the subject

OP posts:

Mellowdramatically · 17/08/2014 10:31

Gosh sorry you have this to deal with with baby on way. It doesn't sound good but you don't have firm evidence of cheating. He is behaving like knob who needs to grow up. And he needs to give you more respect plus care and emotional support.

If you find evidence yourself on phone or through friends you can make a decision to get rid or whatever. I'm sure if you confront him now he will deny.

When baby comes you will see his true colours he will either fully support the family or shirk.

If you decide to get rid you will need support from friends and family in rl do you have that? If it does come to that it will be hard but you can do it and it might be better than living with him if he proves to be a tosser.

Good luck with everything x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2014 10:34

hudsonriver1

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

Nothing much has changed, he's still a manchild and you are still there for your own reasons and probably also because you still love him.

What was your self esteem and self worth like exactly before you met this person.

What is there to love about this person exactly?. He cannot even be honest with or to you about even the most mundane of details.

Original poster

hudsonriver1 · 17/08/2014 10:37

I learnt about trust in a relationship. I really do feel like shit now after reading all this. Maybe he did have an affair or something. I wouldn't go through his phone or his Facebook, one because his phone has a lock on it and 2 because I would actually feel scared incase I did find something

OP posts:

FinnsMum19 · 17/08/2014 10:41

Woah! We have a lot of relationship experts in here don't we?
I cannot believe so many of you are saying he's obviously cheating and she should leave him!! You are hearing one side of a story, from an emotional heavily pregnant woman. Fucking hell, if we all took that advice we'd all be single. He didn't text - chances are he was drunk, and then forgot. A bit insensitive, but not a red flag that he's hooked up with some other woman.

He spends money in porn. So no man, ever is allowed to but a porn mag or DVD? OP hasn't mentioned if this is an addiction, or if it's a big issue in her eyes. She said he bought porn. That's it.

He logged on to Facebook in the early hours. I do this. Come home drunk, get into bed and have a flick through Facebook. I'm not knocking anyone off, I'm just looking at Facebook.

He added a pretty woman. Well fuck me, he's definitely cheating and you must leave him immediately!!

Could you be feeling a bit over sensitive at the moment OP? Late pregnancy is awful, you feel the size of a house and insecurity is a constant visitor. I cannot believe so many women are telling you to leave the father of your child without even advising you to sit down and talk to him. It could be something, it could be nothing but do not do anything rash without being sure you're doing the right thing x

MozzchopsThirty · 17/08/2014 10:45

I'm not fond of the whole LTB mentality on these threads but I fear this one might be justified!

He sounds like my exh, he would wind me up, comment on other women in front of me, at the time I just thought that's how he was.

Now I've left and realise he's just a fucking disrespectful nob

I would never put up with that shit now, although I understand why you are.
I'm now dating a guy who wouldn't dream of looking at someone when he's out with me, or disrespect me in that way.

You're unlikely to leave now being 35wks pg but I guarantee this will end and it's up to you to take charge when you're emotionally ready
Good luck x

Original poster

hudsonriver1 · 17/08/2014 10:45

Thank you finnsmum I was actually beginning to panic about the person I have married and thinkING I'm going to end up being single. I did think some of the comments were a bit out there!

OP posts:

butterflybuttons · 17/08/2014 10:46

Some women do not agree with porn - even if it is just a magazine or dvd. It isn't about being allowed, it is about a woman not agreeing with the principles of it. You are saying that is not allowed now?

butterflybuttons · 17/08/2014 10:48

And OP from the info you have given - the signs are not good. You can minimise or justify all you like because you are scared of being single - but time and again so many men follow this script. And your posts have so many red flags and alarm bells going off. Many of us have been where you are.

Vivacia · 17/08/2014 10:48

He spends money in porn. So no man, ever is allowed to but a porn mag or DVD?

Not in this fucking house they're not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2014 10:50

Yes but you've only focussed now on the one comment that has given you any (false) hope whatsoever.

Is being single all that bad when you are seemingly so badly accompanied; that you are with someone who seemingly only cares about his own needs and wants and lies to you about money.

You've written about him before haven't you?.

WildBillfemale · 17/08/2014 10:50

He was on a stag do - having fun with the blokes, probably drunk so didn't text you all night.

Sorry, You sound like an insecure teenager.

FinnsMum19 · 17/08/2014 10:50

I'm not saying that at all, don't twist my words. If OP had said the porn was a big issue then fine, but she didn't. She said he buys porn. Reason enough to think he's cheating? I don't think so. If it's a huge issue for OP, she has to decide if it's a deal breaker. Not ALL women are against porn.

OP is your OH having porn a deal breaker for you? Sorry, it's not clear from your original post how much of a problem this is.

Vivacia · 17/08/2014 10:52

I don't know if he's cheated on you. But I wouldn't be with someone who spent money, let alone family money, for a woman to rub her naked vulva on his crotch. If he thought this was a joking matter... he'd have his marching orders.

I too am worried about the lessons you've learned about relationships. It sounds as though you're under the impression that a wife shouldn't "moan" about men being men. I teach my children that you talk, and that it's important to express your concerns and displeasure.

Vivacia · 17/08/2014 10:54

Sorry, that should say, It sounds as though you're under the impression that a wife shouldn't "moan" about "men being men". as if selfish, misogynistic behaviour is something we should not like but tolerate.

FFS.

butterflybuttons · 17/08/2014 10:58

Op said they have joint accounts as he was spending money on porn - which suggests she was keeping him on a tight rein as he previously wasted money on porn which she was not happy with. I haven't twisted your words at all.

Anyway OP - back to you. Sorry for the hijack. What you going to do?

CookieDoughKid · 17/08/2014 10:58

Just talk to him about your concerns. Write it all down in a list and approach him. His reaction will be most telling. What he says and does next will be most telling.

FinnsMum19 · 17/08/2014 11:02

So if that is the case, and there's a huge porn issue does that mean he's cheated and she should leave immediately?

The title of the thread was about him not texting on a stag night, not 'my oh watched porn, should I leave?' which would indicate the porn is a sub issue and not the main issue here. You've made the porn comment the main focus, not the OP.

FinnsMum19 · 17/08/2014 11:05

But yes, back to the OP. I think you need to speak to him. Is he back today?

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 17/08/2014 11:09

Ah wait a minute, I think I remember a few of your other threads OP. He's quite a git in general isn't he?

To be honest I think he's a twat (if memory serves correct) but ultimately you have to speak to him. Put all your cards on the table and see what he says. I hope that this man can change but tbh I doubt he will.

Are you actually happy OP? On a normal day to day week to week basis are you really happy?

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