DH mad with sons AS results- causing major rift

[Kitty909]

My son got his AS results on Thursday. He got ABCC but had been predicted all A's.
He is disappointed as knows he was capable of higher grades, but I'm sure he'll learn from this and says he's going to put in the extra effort needed for next year.
My DH is mad... Truly cross and angry about this apparent 'failure'. It's making me so upset and protective of my DS, who is an ideal teenager in so many ways. He is a great sportsman, has his Duke of Edinburgh gold, has a part-time job, school prefect....

He is DS's step-father, and in his anger, even shouted how all his time and effort had been wasted (to me, not to DS). We got together when DS was 2, and they have had a great relationship so far.
We have had a lot of stressful things go on in our lives over the last year or two, but have always put effort into our relationship. I feel this could be the big test of our future together. He thinks I'm always defending DS - and maybe I am in this instance.
I can't accept his view on this - any advice please?
Thank you

Well, another heated discussion - both of us sticking to our guns! But I think he is beginning to see that we need to make sure DS is motivated enough to turn things round next year.
Trimming extra curricular activities is a starting point, and keeping on top of his grades and work more closely through the year is on the list, albeit, harder to achieve. DS is off on a week's university summer scheme today, so hoping that will give him an insight into what he can do if he puts his mind to it.
Thanks for all help and replies :)

Hi... I teach English so don't know too much about Biology, however, I do know that our A level Biology results were horribly low this year - had quite a negative impact on whole school picture. Could possibly be a national thing, perhaps?

"Cutting back on the extra-curricular stuff." Hmm, but you've still got to ensure you have some stuff to include on the personal statement.

We didn't insist ds got a job, as we (and he) was passionate about his other interests (music/drama). That was our trade-off.

Oh lay off the dh, fgs. Some of you really live an opportunity to hurl the insults. He's angry - he hasn't punished him has he? Maybe the ds messed around, was warned, reminded etc and this is the result.
Kitty, tell your dh he's had his rant, it's been taken on board, but you've found solutions. Maybe your dh is worried as well - it's a tough, competitive world and he must want your ds to do well.

No, clam, you really, really don't need stuff for the personal statement - except, of course, a clear explanation of why you are interested in the subject you are applying for, and some evidence of that interest. It's possible that the exception to this is medicine - I was told a few years ago by the admissions tutor for one of the top London medical schools that they liked to see evidence of a 'rounded personality' because this was an indicator that students were going to be able to interact with patients.

But apart from that and from subject-specific extra curricular activities (maybe going to a literary festival if you're applying for English, or spending time in Germany if you're applying for German, or Young Enterprise for Business Studies), universities have zero interest in extra curricular activities. If you're reading, say, 500 or 600 UCAS forms a year, you're really not looking for ones that are padded out with a load of irrelevant stuff - you're looking for the right grades and interest in the subject and probably not even reading the stuff in the bottom half of the statement about rock climbing and raising money for the local hospital.

Honestly, when I did admissions, I never once read an application and thought 'hmm, marginal candidate but they're doing Duke of Edinburgh's/playing tennis/volunteering in the hospice - oh go on then, I make them an offer'. I did often think 'marginal candidate but they've explained why they want to study the subject and have shown evidence of reading outside the A-level syllabus and the standard texts that private schools always force on their students in the misguided belief that we'll think this is evidence of genuine student interest - oh go on then'.

As I said before, I've never understood why schools persist in the strange belief that admissions tutors want to see a personal statment padded out with stuff that's totally unrelated to the degree. But I know that we could get every admissions tutor from every Russell Group university to write this in their own blood and schools would still be saying 'don't forget, universities want to see evidence of extra-curricular activities'.

""Cutting back on the extra-curricular stuff." Hmm, but you've still got to ensure you have some stuff to include on the personal statement."

He doesn't actually. But he still has to have a life.

I got average to good O level grades and my best friend was with me to see how excited my parents were (even though they were worse than expected). I went back to her house, so she could show her parents her 6 As and 4 Bs and they were really angry and sent me home as her punishment. She got one of the top few results in the whole school!

Your son now knows how much work to put in for his A levels.

Oh, your poor DS. This is horrible.

I'd second what was said about seeing if you can get his papers - it might make him more confident to see what's gone wrong and how he can put it right.

I got a C in one of my AS subjects and my parents weren't angry. But they were disappointed and it really put a cloud over my other good grades. I bet your DS feels he can't celebrate his A grade now - and he should be celebrating it.

Your DH talking about 'his' time and effort is really out of line, btw - neither your DS's successes nor his failures should be put down to someone else's effort (even if it feels that way to you at the time!).

Your DH needs to chill.

Does he often rant on about things he cannot change?

As for your DS, it sounds as though he is doing brilliantly all round - sports, DoE, job and now four ASs with good grades.

Hopefully he will realise that if he wants to get the highest grades he is capable of for A2, then it is a question of focusing on the right things. Upper Sixth is a very imporant year.

Does anyone actually challenge what's written in the personal statement?

What do you mean, Edith?

Extra curricular type activities make absolutely not difference to your chances of getting a university place unless they are directly related to the course you want to study. That's not what personal statements are about.

If you think about it, it would be wildly unfair and discriminatory if they did.

They can make a difference - they can make it less likely that you get accepted. If a personal statement is 90% irrelevant extra curricular waffle, the admissions tutor may well think that you have no interest in the subject and decide not to make you an offer. I've done this.

Father I was wondering if they get questioned on the content by the university? I presume (don't know at all) that places get offered on the basis of predicted grades and the application in most cases?

Not many prospective students are interviewed these days. If they were,then the content of the PS might come up.

So it's down to knowing how to write one? As long as you know what they're looking for, stick it in (even if not actually quite true)?

"So it's down to knowing how to write one? As long as you know what they're looking for, stick it in (even if not actually quite true)?"

What do you mean?

Aren't half the homes of 17year olds in the country going through this at the mo?

Is what your DH saying really having such a detrimental effect on DS? Surely most DCs who dont' do well get into trouble with their parents.

I'm just thinking that this will blow over. DH will lower his expectations.

He possibly thinks that as he himself did so poorly in Alevels that he doesn't want DSS to have as hard a working life as he's had. We certainly felt that for our DCs which was why it was important to us to encourage them to do well at school.

Yes, where applicants are interviewed, the personal statement will form the basis for a lot of the interview. The absolutely classic indicator of a weak applicant who has had their personal statement written for them by their teachers a lot of help putting together their personal statement is their inability to talk about the aspects of the subject they've said in the PS that they are interested in. But you'll only ask about the extra curricular stuff if the candidate is very weak/so scared that they can't remember anything/has no interest in the degree but has been pressured by family or school into applying/is drunk - then it's a useful way of filling up the time until you can end the interview.

But as Hakluyt says, most places don't interview any more. I think this is a shame - some people think that interviews give an unfair advantage to confident, middle class, privately educated applicants, but actually my experience was the opposite, that it was precisely in interview that you could separate the plausible-on-paper, well prepared but not very engaged from the ones with real interest and ability to think on their feet.

A lot of interesting points have been raised, and I think it is great to get an insider's opinion of the offer situation.
In my DS's case, he has a busy but manageable life, and with a few tweaks, I think he can learn a lot from this.
He enjoys his job as it gives him a bit of extra pocket money. He works as a bar back one or two weekend nights, and he's hardly going to be working anyway on Friday or Saturday night. His rugby is good socially and for good health. The Duke of Edinburgh work is now all done. - but the biggest challenge will be the same as for most teenagers - social media/phone/tablet distractions. Whilst he has a playstation, it is not allowed to be used during the week, and was banned before and after the exams.
DH and I are now actually on the same page and thinking of how he can best move on. We are thinking of turning off wifi every night for x number of hours to see if the lack of distraction will help.

Does anyone have any other strategies that would encourage a generally able teen, without them feeling like they've lost all independence?

Ultimately, they are DS's studies, exams and results, so I know it has to be his desire to do well that is the driving force.

I'm thinking that there will be a lot of students who will be applying for university because it's the next step and might not actually be passionate about a subject at all. But the ps means that they have to appear to be (a little, at least - I'm sure most admissions tutors know exactly how it works) So, if they claimed to have read x and done y to support their subject choice, who's checking whether any of that is true?

My father used to go postal when we didn't get our expected grades. Doesn't everyones?

What? I don't think my father or mother expected anything. It was left to me to get on with it.