DH mad with sons AS results- causing major rift

[Kitty909]

My son got his AS results on Thursday. He got ABCC but had been predicted all A's.
He is disappointed as knows he was capable of higher grades, but I'm sure he'll learn from this and says he's going to put in the extra effort needed for next year.
My DH is mad... Truly cross and angry about this apparent 'failure'. It's making me so upset and protective of my DS, who is an ideal teenager in so many ways. He is a great sportsman, has his Duke of Edinburgh gold, has a part-time job, school prefect....

He is DS's step-father, and in his anger, even shouted how all his time and effort had been wasted (to me, not to DS). We got together when DS was 2, and they have had a great relationship so far.
We have had a lot of stressful things go on in our lives over the last year or two, but have always put effort into our relationship. I feel this could be the big test of our future together. He thinks I'm always defending DS - and maybe I am in this instance.
I can't accept his view on this - any advice please?
Thank you

Your Dh is being an idiot. Show him this thread to push the point home.

This sounds like a very similar situation to my daughters Bf. he's a lovely young man too with all the credentials your son has too, and is so disappointed over his results of bcc as he was predicted all As. He's never failed at anything before and I think this has been a major wake up for him.

His mother and father (don't have university experience - don't know if that's relevant ) but have done nothing but shout at him according to dd.

He's been around here yesterday and I just feel for him so much. He's disappointed in himself without being constantly reminded. We had a good long chat and I hope I have been positive enough with him to start the upper sixth with confidence.

Honestly I never thought I would be more worried about other peoples children's results than my own dd !!!l

She's over the moon with her results but wants to keep it low key - bless !

Those results are not at all bad and your DH needs to wind his neck in. He cannot vicariously live his life through his stepson or even compare his results to that of his friend's son.

You mention a lot of stresses in the last year or two; you've put effort into the relationship but has your DH done as much really?. This sort of stuff can mount up; you could end up really resenting him over this as well as looking at him in a different light.

Re a comment that Annarose made:-

"My father used to go postal when we didn't get our expected grades. Doesn't everyones?".

No Annarose they don't. I think you need to consider the thorny question as to why your Dad behaved as he did.

Kitty

His OTT reactions say far more about him than anything else. This is not just about exam results.

What ATM said.

I think your dh is a twat tbh, you don't say those things to a young person. His results are very good, perhaps not what your ds would have liked to achieve but their is plenty of time to make up his results for next year.
Your dh is so out of order on this one, but you know this already.
It sounds like any effort your dh has made has carried conditions, that is really
I could understand it if he was his Dad, it would still be wrong though. However, he isn't even his dad, tell him to mind his own and fuck off.

Thanks for the support, I'm not always right, but I know I am in this case!

How awful. My A-Levels were a disappointment but you'd never have known it from my dad's reaction. He was over the moon. Ditto my 2:1 at university. It was his reaction that made me think "maybe I'm being too hard on myself and these are actually something I can be proud of". Your son did really well!

Btw, DS's gf got DDU - DH much more sympathetic towards her!

By the way, I got CCD at A-Level, but despite that I'm now writing up my PhD thesis and come September I'll be teaching undergraduate seminars at a Russell Group university - which I would never have got into with my A-Level grades.

Kitty, I would stop there, your dh isn't coming across in a very good light.
More sympathy for his gf, well he wasn't exactly going to lay into her was he.
It may be because she's a girl, or maybe because he's a hypocritical twat, neither not good.

I think those grades are pretty fabulous. Your DH is behaving appallingly - I would be furious if anyone had said that to my child! As if the kids aren't under enough pressure without their family behaving like this.

My daughter had lower than expected results - I think it is a good wake up call and she will work harder next year. It is just a tiny hiccup and it really does not matter. I am proud of her no matter what - a person is more than the sum total of some exam results. This year her school year of 300 - their AS results were so bad 70 of them are repeating the whole year. And this is a top school. Can you tell me this is all their fault, or do you think maybe boundaries are tougher and Gove has totally screwed up A levels this year?

Kitty - I can understand your DH being a bit pissed off if DS messed around and didn't put the effort in, especially if he was trying to help him, was that the case?

However, it seems to me that DS is 'a good kid' and is generally conscientious etc (it takes a fair bit of effort & dedication to get a DofE for example) & it sounds from what he has said & done since getting his results, that he will learn from this - it's not as if he's going 'whatever' is it?

potato - why should the OP stop discussing it because some people think it's showing her DH 'not in a good light'. She wants to discuss it.

Maybe her DH feels his DS didn't put enough effort into it (and the DS admits that's the case) whilst his GF tried her best. Maybe, just maybe, being a 'step' doesn't actually make him a wanker.

Butterfly what did he say to the DS that would make you furious?

It will be interesting to see what the overall results are like - see if the 'Gove' factor has had an impact. It's a bloody shame for the kids if it has.

Again: A levels and their marking and structure changed this year. Your DS won't be the only kid who got lower grades than expected/predicted. it doesn't mean he didn't try his best. It means that there was a conscious and deliberate reduction of the number of kids who got A and A* grades. To keep Gove and assorted Daily Mail whinyarses happy.

Does he often rant like this? Is this really about the AS levels?

Why does he say you are always 'defending' your son? Is he always attacking him?

If he brings it up again I would remind him of his own results.

Kitty your DH sounds like a bully and there is no excuse for his different attitude towards your DSs GF. WTF is he playing at?

Absolutely remind him of his own dismal results if he says one more word, who does he think he is? He would be treading on very thin ice with me.

Hi OP, this is off the main point - which is that it sounds as if your DH needs to stop behaving like a tit - but, as someone who used to be an admissions tutor in a uni with a comparable applications profile to the ones your DS is thinking about, it sounds to me as if you DS is trying to do too much.

DoE, job, sport, prefect, and study is really too much for almost anyone to cope with, particularly if they want to get A grades. For some reason I've never understood, school have this strange idea that admissions tutors really want people with lots of extra curricular stuff on their UCAS form. I've never, ever spoken to an admissions tutor who gives a flying bollock about DoE, volunteering or job (unless subject-related), or being a prefect, and lots of sport is quite likely to make us think less well of a candidate rather than better. If an applicant is involved in one sport people think 'great' or 'not likely to be a problem'; if they're captain of the rugby team and the cricket team, and go sailing, and play tennis admissions tutors will think 'rugger bugger who won't do any academic work'. We want people with interest in and some knowledge of the subject, plus extra curricular activities where directly related to the subject.

That's not to say he shoudln't keep doing these things if he wants to, but if he wants to get As and not stretch himself too thin for something that no-one at university cares about, then he should think seriously about cutting back.

And you can tell your DH from me that we see the product of attitudes like his all the time - we have to pick up the pieces as personal tutors when our poor students struggle with the burdens of parental expectations. Its your DS's academic future and life, not his and he needs to wind his neck in.

twinklestein it is of course more than just the results. We have had some major stresses over the past few years, and I know it is just part of our difficult life. That said, he does think I defend DS no matter what is said, done or not done. I fear that he will alienate DS altogether, and they will end up with no relationship.at all. However, there are things that DS does that certainly don't help.... Like being a typical teenager!
I know teens can be distant and sometimes I feel like it is his way of distancing himself from us. I just see that he is so much harder on DS than our DD who is 11 - and very chatty, bright, musical, dramatic etc etc - Time will tell if he has the same attitude when she's in his shoes!

Your DS sounds lovely.

Your DH sounds like a total bastard.

I assume the DD he "isn't so hard on" is his?

My advice is to continue to support and defend your son OP.

FatherReboolaConundrum that is such a great response! I do see that we try to get him involved in a lot of activities, and yes, he has a busy workload, and for the past couple of months, a developing love life! Maybe that's why his cousin got straight A's....
I will try hard to bear this in mind as he goes into upper 6th. Thanks
And will tell DH to put it into perspective too - he wasn't able to do half of what he expects DS to achieve.

Your DH is being mean and potentially damaging.

So what are the 'stresses' and what has made life so 'difficult' over the last few years?

Does your husband like your son? Is he competitive with him? Does he get angry with him a lot?

I think you're right to defend him, it's a shame that you feel the need to.

twinklestein stresses - legal, financial, property, potential bankruptcy, apart from that, pretty ok!
Yes he likes my son very much and is very proud of him -usually! He is a bit of a perfectionist despite his professional crises of recent times, so wants him to achieve the best he can. He, and I, get frustrated with DS from time to time, but usually general teen stuff! Not thinking beyond the next 5 mins is surely not only a problem my son has....

Glad to be able to help ! I've also just read your OP to my DP, who also deals with admissions (different uni, more prestigious than mine) and asked what his advice would be - he said 'tell him (your DS) that if he wants to get As he needs to cut back the extra curricular stuff'.