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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help....don't know where to go from here

66 replies

Fedupppppp · 16/08/2014 14:25

Please bear with me with this...it's quite complicated and I've never posted on here before. I've been with my now husband for 7 years, we have a 4 yr old and a 2 year old. We got married a few months ago. He has been anxious since before I met him, going through times of agoraphobia and other times he's been ok. Not able to travel on planes/trains etc but able to travel by car (under great stress). We've spent thousands on therapy, cbt, linden method retreat, we see a councillor weekly. He is still anxious and seems to have given up trying. I know it sounds awfully selfish, but I'm so stressed. I've been diagnosed with depression, am taking medication which helps me cope. The main reason I feel depressed is because I feel the future is hopeless when I'm with him. I really can't see where to go from here, I think I want out of the relationship all together. But I'm frightened how he will react/cope.
To cut a long story short, I booked a holiday, only a short trip in the car which he agreed to. Our children were/are all excited and he won't try and come, says he can't. And has left me to deal with all the mess and upset children, my poor children i feel awful for them. I should probably just take them on my own.

OP posts:
OiMissus · 16/08/2014 14:30

Definitely take them on your own.
Otherwise you'll resent him more.
Plus, this will give you a chance to relax and understand how it feels to be without him.
Don't live your life for him. Live it for you. You can't take responsibility for his life.
Good luck.

wyrdyBird · 16/08/2014 14:36

It sounds as if counselling might help you, too. It's a lot for you to cope with.
Can you take the children away on your own, or take a friend/relative along instead?

antimatter · 16/08/2014 14:39

I feel for you!
You need to get a break, getting depression because you are looking after someone unwell is a massive strain.

You need to look after yourself because of the kids.
Who is going to look after them if you crack?

Take them away by yourself, maybe invite a friend if that's possible. You need a break.

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/08/2014 18:36

You got married just a few months ago ? Has something changed since you got married ?

Original poster
Fedupppppp · 16/08/2014 19:13

Thank you everyone for your replies. Ballerina, yes 4 months ago, we were engaged and planning the wedding for around 2 years. We almost called if off last August due to same sort of issues, but in the end we wanted to make it work so went ahead with it. Then his dad died at Christmas after a long illness so that was what we focused on for months, it's all been a huge whirl-wind of emotions. Since the wedding, it's really brought to a head all of our problems, which in the back of my mind I knew it would because we got carried away with the memento of the wedding. Stupid I know. I also met him as an anxious person, so I always knew his issues, just stupidly thought I could perhaps help him, give him a reason to try and help himself. After trying for 7 years, I'm just drained and have lost hope, but I feel awful for him because he's the one that is horribly anxious. I practically begged him to try and come on holiday....he point blank refused, over and over. I know holidays aren't the be all and end all, but it's the same even if we are just going on a day trip, he will usually get there, but it's a traumatic, drawn out process which sucks the fun out of everything.
I will take them on my own, I'm exhausted right now but it's booked for a week so can make my way tomorrow or Monday once I'm over the stress of today.
He's not here for now, gone to stay with his cousin, so at least we can get some space. The sad thing is, in the past when he would have episodes of anxiety he would always go to his dad, maybe not for advice, but I think it was a comfort for him. He won't talk to anyone else properly about things, it's even a struggle for him to talk to me.
Thanks everyone for your advice, I know it's a complete muddle, it just feels good to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 16/08/2014 19:25

This isn't fair on you at all. IMO he needs to continue to search for help until he funds the right kind if help. Some sort if expert in that area. He cannot give up because he has got too much to lose.

Does he actually want to get better or do you think he has given up?

CarryOnDancing · 16/08/2014 19:30

It doesn't sound selfish in the slightest, I imagine you feel like anyone would in your situation.

Do you have a friend or sister who would join you for your holiday? I definitely think you should still go!

It might also be worth speaking to a charity like Mind?

Original poster
Fedupppppp · 16/08/2014 19:39

Thank you Quitelikely, I think he has given up, it is so hard for him and I used to think he wanted to be better but now I think he's just been overcome with anxiety and is in fight/flight mode constantly. We are very clued up on the linden method, which I do believe is the answer, it just takes a hell of a lot of focus, will-power and he has to really want to face all his fears.
His dad had similar issues, I think he picked it up from watching him as a child. It terrifies me that my DS who is 4 will end up the same way, that thought breaks my heart. My husband works, has a great job that he enjoys and he finds that while he's busy working he isn't anxious. But this means he spends an awful lot of time at work to deal with the anxiety. I am a recent convert to sahm after childcare issues (no help), this means he now has an excuse to work constantly as he uses the fact he's earning all the money. He is a good dad when he isn't anxious, but recently he's been so stressed that he loses his temper very quickly and has no patience with the children and me, I really feel like I'm walking on egg-shells. We/he has so many issues I could go on forever!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/08/2014 19:41

If you're able just take them on your own and try and have a lovely week. Use this time to do some deep thinking about how you see your future and the next 20-30 years.

When you get home it's probably time to have a good chat with your husband about how you're feeling. I sympathise with his problems but they shouldn't become more yours and your kids problems more than they absolutely have to.

Maybe it's time to tell him that your marriage is in serious trouble and you can't go on like this anymore.

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/08/2014 19:43

When people have health issues , it's their responsibility to deal with them . Do you feel he does this , or have you had to cajole him into getting help ? Does he work ? No wonder your depressed.

Twinklestein · 16/08/2014 19:54

So he can work but he can't go in a car? I do believe he's agoraphobic but I'm not quite buying this. How does he get to work?

Either way, you should go and enjoy your holiday, and while, you're there consider whether you do want to marry someone with problems this extreme, and why you wanted to get into a relationship with someone who needs fixing.

Unless you're a therapist you can't help him, and if you were you couldn't treat him anyway because of your relationship.

It sounds like he needs to go back to his psychiatrist.

wyrdyBird · 16/08/2014 19:54

...I thought there might be more to it. You said it was a muddle: and intractable anxiety, horrible though it is, doesn't necessarily cause a muddle or the additional problems you mention.

So you're saying that despite his severe anxiety, he's able to work long hours, and doesn't help with the childcare? And he loses his temper, leaving you walking on eggshells. Can you say any more about the issues you're having?

What happened, for example, when he left you to deal with the mess and upset children.

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/08/2014 19:58

This sounds shit.

weegiemum · 16/08/2014 20:10

He can't go on a short car journey for a holiday - how did he get to his cousins?

sonjadog · 16/08/2014 20:12

I suffer from anxiety. I don't know how your DP can not have anxiety at work and then be so extreme in family situations. I get anxiety attacks at work, at home, wherever. It isn't something I can control. All I can control is how I react to them when they hit. I find it odd that he can control them so well at work and not at all in the family situation. Are you sure he isn't using them as an excuse to do what he wants?

I think you should go on holiday on your own with your children and relax and think about what you want. I understand that it feels awful to think of leaving him when he is sick, but this is your life too and you can't sacrifice it to him, especially if he has given up trying to get better himself. I think if your own mental health is suffering then it is a sign that is time and past time for you to put yourself and your needs first.

irrationalme · 16/08/2014 20:13

I am also interested as to how he gets to work

Original poster
Fedupppppp · 16/08/2014 20:17

His agoraphobia stems from the thought of being trapped and unable to escape, so motor-ways, boats, trains, planes. He's afraid of heights, claustrophobic, gets irritated extremely easily by the slightest sensations. He's a very talented design engineer, works from an office an easy 20 min country road away, has 2 colleagues who he is good friends with, ones his boss so he's very comfortable at work. And the fact he's busy doing something takes his mind of his anxiety acting as a diversion.
He is a kind man and doesn't do this intentionally to hurt me, I know that. He is good with the children when he's not anxious and he loves them. He has lost his temper with me in the past, and can be abusive with his words, a bit of pushing but I don't think he would ever actually hurt me, at least I hope not. He works every day usually, leaves at 7.30 gets back around 6pm. The children go to bed at 7pm. He gets a Sunday off which is usually spent doing something together.
Twinkle, I fell in love with him, met through friends when I was only 21, had my son 2 years into the relationship and just felt I couldn't leave. We've had ups and downs over that time, and generally (minus the anxiety) get on well. He does have a councillor, we go together weekly. Have done for a year, she's a lovely lady but I'm not sure how much it helps. Mind is a good suggestion carry on dancing, he has been to the gp numerous times as well, but they want to give him anti-depressants which he's tried but they just make him worse. He says they make him feel like he's losing his mind.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 16/08/2014 20:18

^^ sorry my post should say whether you do want to be married to someone not to marry

irrationalme · 16/08/2014 20:21

so when he's busy doing something he likes he doesn't have a problem?

Just saying......

Original poster
Fedupppppp · 16/08/2014 20:22

The holiday was a two hour motorway trip, he's ok on his own in the car on short non-motorway journeys. I know it sounds crazy, it is bloody crazy! I've just lived with it for so long it's become my life so makes sense to me. Trust me he does have anxiety and has tried hard to manage it, says every day is a struggle for him to get by.

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 16/08/2014 20:24

This isn't a kind man Feduppp.
He has lost his temper with me in the past, and can be abusive with his words, a bit of pushing but I don't think he would ever actually hurt me, at least I hope not.

Kind people aren't verbally abusive, and don't push.

His anxieties are a side issue from your point of view. :(

Original poster
Fedupppppp · 16/08/2014 20:24

Irrational, I'm making him seem like an asshole and he isn't, he's just got his own coping mechanisms I suppose.

OP posts:
thestamp · 16/08/2014 20:28

He verbally abuses you.
He's physically pushed you.
He's given up on working on his mh issues.
He creates stress and pain in your family by being anxious, irritable and emotionally/physically unavailable.

Sorry OP, time to leave. Don't let the children live this life. They deserve more than this.

irrationalme · 16/08/2014 20:28

Sorry but I think he's playing you like the proverbial fiddle.

badbaldingballerina123 · 16/08/2014 20:32

This doesn't sound right to me. His anxiety doesn't seem to be an obstacle if he wants to do something. Being abusive with words isn't acceptable , nor is pushing. Bet he doesn't be abusive with words or push people at work. His issues sound like they impact your life more severely than his.