Please help....don't know where to go from here

[Fedupppppp]

Please bear with me with this...it's quite complicated and I've never posted on here before. I've been with my now husband for 7 years, we have a 4 yr old and a 2 year old. We got married a few months ago. He has been anxious since before I met him, going through times of agoraphobia and other times he's been ok. Not able to travel on planes/trains etc but able to travel by car (under great stress). We've spent thousands on therapy, cbt, linden method retreat, we see a councillor weekly. He is still anxious and seems to have given up trying. I know it sounds awfully selfish, but I'm so stressed. I've been diagnosed with depression, am taking medication which helps me cope. The main reason I feel depressed is because I feel the future is hopeless when I'm with him. I really can't see where to go from here, I think I want out of the relationship all together. But I'm frightened how he will react/cope.
To cut a long story short, I booked a holiday, only a short trip in the car which he agreed to. Our children were/are all excited and he won't try and come, says he can't. And has left me to deal with all the mess and upset children, my poor children i feel awful for them. I should probably just take them on my own.

There's selfish and then there's narcissistic...

Your whole life revolves around his issues, supporting him, sympathising with him, his problems, yet when you develop depression potentially as a consequence of the difficulties of life with him, he's not interested and offers you no support.

Have considered codependency? You're a fixer, he needs fixing and you mutually depend on each other...?

He doesn't seem to need much in the way of support and help outside your marriage. It appears he needs help with parenting , needs help communicating with you , needs help being patient , needs help going on holiday. All these things are to do with your marriage. In what way does his issues affect his life outside of your marriage ?

He sounds like an exhausting emotional vampire who has made it so he's the centre of attention. His lack of empathy for you is astounding. I wouldn't pamper to his nonsense about sleeping in the car , more manipulation. And something else that isn't affected by his anxiety.

Okay there is a therapy called acceptance and commitment therapy. I have bad anxiety (no where near as bad your husband's) but I had problems with getting on buses and I got taxis everywhere. I have been managing to get onto buses with the help of this therapy. I am also terrified of flying and I am going to paris in october and I am flying. But the difference is I wanted to get better. I got this totally free and I am on session 13 of 20. I rang my regional mental health pct( your gp will have the number) and you are put on a waiting list but it's changed my life. please tell him about me and give it a go! xxx good luck xx

I agree with sonjadog. I really don't think his anxiety is the biggest problem here; it's being used as an excuse.

Anxious people are often very aware of the pain they're causing others when they can't join in, etc. They don't lack empathy; sometimes they feel more for others because of their own suffering.

But this is what you're saying:
He has very little sympathy for me...I've never felt like he could empathise with me, it's all about how bad he feels and how hard it is for him to cope. When I write it down it makes me realise he is selfish, and I'm getting very little from our relationship.

...and I think you're right. And you've already said he verbally abuses you, pushes you, and you walk on eggshells around his temper. This is abuse.

It's too easy to get bogged down in his MH issues and how they do or don't affect you. But that isn't the problem Fedupppp. That isn't the reason you are having to think about separating.

Right, so he is so anxious about small spaces that he can't drive on the holiday, than you want to go on. But he isn't so anxious he can't travel to work or, indeed sleep in the car if that gives him a chance to guilt trip you.

I dont doubt his anxiety issues. But I think they stem far far more from trying to control those around him. (Sorry for the armchair psychology but it really jumps out at me that he can do whatever he wants, but not what you want)

I agree with the pp's; It looks to the casual observer that there seems to be some kind of co dependency here.

I don't think the Op is independent , I think she's been psychologically mugged by this man child.

Co dependant , not independent !

LTB. His mental health issues aren't the problem.

Does he have aspergers..poor communication..hatred of any change..hence can go to work as everything is the same..have a friend whose mum shows all signs of aspergersand they always had this big drama when it came to go on holidays..only now when her ds has been diagnosed and has complete meltdowns when has to take on something new..she says..my mom always did this...very capable woman in her own territory but couldn't cope with anything outside of routine

Butterfly garden, I will tell him about the therapy you had thankyou. I'm glad you are getting better, it is all about effort to change, and that's what annoys me so much is that I feel like I put all the effort into his problems and he doesn't! If he was acting positive and actively trying to help him self then i would be more willing to keep going and wouldn't feel so hopeless.
Come dancing, that is interesting you mention aspergers, because his half sister has it, and I have mentioned that to the councilor before that the way he is seems to fit the description.
And I know that he has many other issues to do with control and anger issues, but I think they do all stem from his anxiety. He's had to deal with being anxious for so many years and is terrified he's going mad, I can't help but want to help a person I love and am close to. When he isn't anxious we do get on very well, and he is a good dad. When I think about separating I find myself thinking about all the plans we had for the future, if he could find a way to get over his issues then things would be ok.
I am going to try and live more separate lives, but still together for now, not include him in my plans etc. I will take kids places on my own without expecting him to come and I will stop trying to baby him and encourage him to try and wait and see if he actually makes an effort to help himself. I am also going to stop bottling everything up and actually talk to my friends about how I'm feeling and how difficult things are at the moment.
Thank you for all your advice and suggestions, you've helped me see the situation clearer.

I wish you all the best, Feduppp. Please come back and share again if you think it is of help. Sometimes it is very difficult to see what's really going on when you are in the middle of it.

He doesn't have to out effort in does he because you're doing it all for him.
He doesn't have any impetus to take responsibility for his issues while you are in the parental role, giving the level of care that you do. You're like the too good mother who does everything for her son rather than sitting back to ensure he takes responsibility for himself.

I don't think it's possible to say what issues causes what. It could be that the control and anger issues cause the anxiety as much as the other way round. All you can really be sure is that they coexist in a dysfunctional bubble.

I think it's good to step back and I would also suggest you do some work on yourself instead of him for a while.

First of all I think you need stop thinking in terms of 'If these issues could be fixed'. Because they may never be fixed, they may not be fixable.

Anxiety in itself isn't that hard to treat, but it takes total long term commitment. Anxiety in conjunction with other issues, however, is more complex and intractable. If he does have Asperger's then he will definitely have these problems for life.

I think you need to give up the idea of some distant future when these problems cease, because it's an illusion keeping you trapped in an unsatisfactory situation. I think you need to consider deeply if this relationship meets your needs, because it seems a very unequal one.

I would look up codependency with regard to being a "fixer", "rescuer", "caregiver" type. I think you might recognise some of the behaviour pattern. Here's a sample:

In many ways, codependency is a dysfunctional relationship with "oneself". "Caregivers" get their sense of worth from people and things outside of themselves. They do this by seeking the approval of others, by attending to the needs of others, by ignoring their own needs, and by getting into relationships with people who they see as in need of being taken care of, rescued, or "fixed". Caregivers constantly live with a powerful compulsion to give to others that which they never received themselves.

Typically, caregivers give of themselves much more than their partners give back to them. As generous dance partners, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for the next song, at which time they naively hope that their narcissistic partner will finally understand their needs.

Caregivers confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love. Although they are proud of their unwavering dedication to the person they love, they end up feeling unappreciated and used. They yearn to be loved, but because of their choice of partner, find their dreams unrealized. With the heartbreak of unfulfilled dreams, they silently swallow their unhappiness.

Codependents are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the possibility of ever receiving the same from their partner. They pretend to enjoy the dance, but really harbor feelings of anger and sadness for not taking an active role in their dance experience.

A more general definition of codependency:

"Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism, drug addiction, health problems etc) and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control by, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent."

That is probably what has happened with the co-dependency thing, that is really interesting because he has admitted to narcissistic tendencies before. And his mother and brother are total narcissists, I've always thought that and these things do tend to run in families. I will talk about all of this to the councillor next week and see what she thinks. Thank you Twinkle.

I'm not surprised his family are narcissistic , I thought some of his behaviour sounded a little narcissistic also. Have you read much about this Op ? If not I would read a little about covert narcissism.

It might be an affair you don't know about, when things go this bad it usually is so the best way to find out is to talk to his boss and he might give you a clue. The signs will all be there!!