Please help....don't know where to go from here

[Fedupppppp]

Please bear with me with this...it's quite complicated and I've never posted on here before. I've been with my now husband for 7 years, we have a 4 yr old and a 2 year old. We got married a few months ago. He has been anxious since before I met him, going through times of agoraphobia and other times he's been ok. Not able to travel on planes/trains etc but able to travel by car (under great stress). We've spent thousands on therapy, cbt, linden method retreat, we see a councillor weekly. He is still anxious and seems to have given up trying. I know it sounds awfully selfish, but I'm so stressed. I've been diagnosed with depression, am taking medication which helps me cope. The main reason I feel depressed is because I feel the future is hopeless when I'm with him. I really can't see where to go from here, I think I want out of the relationship all together. But I'm frightened how he will react/cope.
To cut a long story short, I booked a holiday, only a short trip in the car which he agreed to. Our children were/are all excited and he won't try and come, says he can't. And has left me to deal with all the mess and upset children, my poor children i feel awful for them. I should probably just take them on my own.

If it's only 2 hours on the motorway, just go via main roads. It will take a bit longer but it's still doable. You can stop and have a nice lunch somewhere etc... I have a friend with agoraphobia so I'm familiar with this. (I don't think he actually wants to go).

Mental health problems this severe should not be dealt with by the GP he needs to seeing a psychiatrist. Has he seen any in the past?

As regards counselling, I know you've said he's had a lot but it's not worked so it's obviously not got to the bottom of what's going on. I think he really needs to be seeing someone one on one to focus on his issues. I'm not saying don't do the joint counselling as well, but a session is more diffuse when there's two of you, and it's a good way for him to avoid addressing his problems.

I think you have been living with this for so long that you aren't able to distinguish between what is acceptable behaviour and what is unacceptable. Can you remember who you were just before you met him? Would that woman think his behaviour is acceptable or have you come to accept behaviour that you shouldn't put up with?

Pushing and abusive words are not acceptable. Not for any reason and not in any circumstances. His anxiety is neither the reason or an excuse for them.

No, no Hun you can't keep living this way and yes you are spot on when you say this could affect your dc when they are adults.

This isn't living, this is a very awkward way to live. Your dh needs to realise that he needs to try harder to sort this out and I'm afraid the only way that is going to happen is if you give him a reality check. You only get one life and you need to make the most of it.

I'm glad he can go to work but life doesn't start and stop there.

Do you think you could talk to him about how all this is getting you down?

You have not mentioned the use of medication. There are anti anxiety drugs on the market or perhaps an anti depressant may help calm him down a bit.
I expect that his recent bereavement has added to his stress levels but you do need to sit down and have a very serious talk with him about how his difficulties are affecting you and yr DC. He needs to know that you are struggling to cope with it.
I guess you could just live your own life, doing things with the children but without him or you need to seriously consider that this problem is too great and that you may have to separate. I know it can be hard work taking children away by yourself but I do hope you manage to have a nice time and have a bit of thinking time to work out your next steps in this relationship.

Sorry, I don´t buy it.

Anxious people are exactly that anxious it doesn´t disappear at work. If you follow that logic then take a book of extra hard cross words in the car and that will prevent him from being anxious as he will have to concentrate on them. This sounds all about control to me and using anxiety to control you.

1. TAKE YOUR KIDS yourself.
2. stop letting this man control you. We are going to x, want to come? no, fine then go.
3. this is not a nice man, nice men don´t push
4. Keep posting, there are wiser people on MN that me and they will help you.

She says he's tried ADs. In the short term they can make anxiety worse before the effects kick in. I don't know if he stuck it out long enough, but to be fair some people just don't get on with them.

Can you imagine the lovely relaxing time you and DC's will have on holiday without him? No being on edge and walking on eggshells. No being scared of his temper.
My ex was like that with the verbal abuse and irritated by us most of the time. Children learn how to be from their parents, and often spend many years trying to undo that!
I really think the holiday will do you the world of good!

Temper, pushing, abuse are completely separate issues to anxiety.

Thank you everyone, it feels good to have some support as I don't usually talk to people about this as I like to pretend everything is fine, I don't know why I can't be honest about the situation with real life people.
You are right about the control thing, part of his problem is that he is a complete control freak, he won't let me drive him anywhere as he doesn't like not being in control. So the crosswords thing wouldn't work as he always drives. I make lots and lots of suggestions to him about ways we can distract him, sing loudly to his favourite music, play games with the children, I try and talk about things that interest him, ask him questions about cars etc to try and engage him in a conversation to take his mind of the anxiety while we're traveling. But he's lost all positivity now, and negativity is anxieties best friend!
You are right about my children, they will be picking up on everything, my son is completely aware and has asked why 'daddy ran away' this morning, breaks my heart.
I will take them away just me, I have one friend I will ask, but I think she'll probably be busy. My mum works full time and my sister has plans with her children all week. I will just try and enjoy them and their company, we are going to a childhood holiday spot which I absolutely loved as a child, and I couldn't wait to take them there and show them all the beautiful beaches etc. So I will, on my own.

It's not ideal to be distracting a driver...

I'm still not sure why this journey can't be done on main roads in short stretches with plenty of breaks on the way.

If he really wanted to it could. But I think the point is he doesn't want to go, and he's using his anxiety as an excuse to avoid it and control the situation.

Given his issues, aren't you and your kids more likely to have fun without him?

He would get more anxious the further away from home he got, and then be anxious while there because he'd think about the journey home. It will probably be fun without him you're right. He has booked a rare week off work especially for this holiday, so goodness knows what he'll do with himself for a week. I think he'll probably just go into work, or sit and wallow, enjoy the peace at h

Sorry posted too soon....peace at home I meant to say!

I think you should start telling people about what is going on with him. You need support for yourself in this.

I think it's his responsibility to manage his anxiety , and seeing as he can manage to do that for forty hours a week at work , there's really no reason why he can't do it at home. Why do you have joint counselling weekly ? I'd scrap it.

If he is that bad he needs to be taking anxiety medications he can properly interact with his family. It doesn't make you feel that bad once you get used to it and gives you your life back. I would tell the kids that daddy is poorly so can't come on holiday but take them. Please get on with your and your children's life and holiday times. I do know anxiety isn't logical or rational and you can be fine going to work every day but not making other journeys. I even get anxious making the same journey I do into work without anxiety, but at a different time of the day, but once it impacted on me going places I got proper help. And when counselling didn't help I took medication , which does. I'm not surprised you are depressed tbh.

I find it odd that he can control them so well at work and not at all in the family situation

I have known people that are like this. More 'thinking time' at home so anxiety can kick in more.

We started the joint counselling in August last year when we were close (well I was close) to calling off our wedding. It was because of the same sort of issues I'm explaining here, and because he's such a poor communicator he doesn't respond to much and I just ramble on and on, as you can probably tell. You are right ballerina, I don't think he can handle family life and he's using work as an escape, he always has. Problem is, I care for him deeply, and I do still love him, he's the father of my children. If I could get rid of his anxiety we could make it work, I feel like if I left ( and I don't mean just for the holiday) I'm abandoning him, I know he's a grown man and should be able to look out for himself, but I feel if I'm not around to encourage him he'll never get better and will feel like he's lost everything.
Our families, and a few close friends know about his problems but probably not the extent to which it's affecting us. I don't like people to pity me and I have a lot of acquaintances but very few people I actually trust to talk to.

To me, it sounds like the first thing to do is to detach slightly from the situation. You need a support network for you. He needs one too, but you need people who are focused on helping and supporting your needs.

If I were you, I'd turn the anxiety treatment over to him. He has to take responsibility for getting better. You have to live your life and bring up your kids. So if he is participating in family activities with you, then that's great, but what he decides does not get to ruin activities for you or your children.

Certain behaviours are not okay whatever the reason for him doing them. It is never okay for him to verbally abuse you or be physically threatening.

I can understand why you have ended up depressed in this situation. It sounds awful for you. I can also understand that you aren't ready to end the relationship yet.

But you are around him and encouraging him and he's still not getting better. Who's to say leaving him wouldn't be the wake up call he needs. It may be that you're enabling him to continue not to deal with the anxiety by providing a stable family life around him and supporting him. He could go in like this for the rest of his life, just not facing, not getting over it.

If you leave he won't have lost everything, just this particular relationship. He's still got his work and his kids, life goes on. Tbh abandonment is the kind of issue you worry about with a child or an animal, not an adult male.

If I sound unsympathetic I'm not, I had PTSD & panic attacks when I was younger and got over it. I got on the fucking plane and I drove down the motorway because I was determined not to let it beat me. So I'm not sure how he's managed to get this far and not got over it.

How's he reacted to you being diagnosed with depression? Is he concerned about you? Has he been making an extra effort to help you?

I think this issue has many layers, his poor communication (being very closed), struggling with and avoiding family life (working v long hours and not mucking in) PLUS anxiety.

I agree it is time for OP to detach, confide in someone and build a support network. He has you to lean on, OP: who do you have?

You can still love him whilst insisting he fully participates in the marriage and parents the children. Unfortunately you married him while this was going on , you were even having counselling. I think any major effort he was going to make was going to be before the wedding , not once he got the prize and was assured of your commitment. Has he got worse since you got married ?

When you say he's a poor communicater what do you mean ? Does he not respond when you speak to him ? Does he also communicate poorly at work , or just with you ?

There's a fine line between encouraging and supporting , and enabling. Your entitled to a husband whose present in your marriage , and a husband who doesn't abandon you to care for the children on your own. Your entitled to expect holidays and days out. It's his problem and he should deal with it. Why should you accept less because he won't resolve his issues?

To be honest , and I know it's not what you want to hear , but he sounds like a manipulater . It's very telling that you feel responsible for him. It's not your job to tiptoe round him , ferrying him to therapy ect. While I know anxiety is a problem most other people take responsibility and manage it. People also manage very serious life threatening illnesses to put it into perspective. He's not dying. How much of your time and effort does this take up ? What sacrifices do your dc have to make so dad can embrace his issues ?

I would put together a plan . I would seek out support and others to socialize with , and I'd stop asking him to come along. I'd stop suggesting ways he manages this , in fact I wouldn't be willing to discuss it anymore , that's what the counsellor is for. Instead I'd ask him what really is he going to do about this , and I'd be straight in telling him I won't stay in a marriage where someone is making minimal effort.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I have a friend I can talk to, and my mum and my sister. But it's very difficult to get them to understand and they don't know how to help me, I don't know how they can either. And he hasn't really reacted to my depression, he doesn't think its related to his problems at all, or tries to convince himself it's not. He has very little sympathy for me...I've never felt like he could empathise with me, it's all about how bad he feels and how hard it is for him to cope. When I write it down it makes me realise he is selfish, and I'm getting very little from our relationship.
I am going to try and detach from the anxiety situation, I don't know if I should leave. I would like him to leave, but I've tried and he won't go to anybody, no family friends etc to stay, he said he was going to his cousins, but I've just txt him and he's in his car parked in a lay by, has been since 4pm! I don't know why he won't go to anybody else for support. I can't bare the thought of him sleeping in his car!! At least if I go away for the week, it'll mean we've got some space and he won't be sleeping in his car!

He really doesn't sound very nice at all. He is selfish, doesn't care about how you feel, he is verbally abusive, pushes you, guilt trips you (that's why he's in his car, he's doing it to make you feel sorry for him). Is he using the anxiety as an excuse to cover up horrible behaviour and treating you badly?

he has very little sympathy for me

But you seem to have an endless supply of sympathy for him.

Is this what you want from a marriage? Because he and you seem pretty entrenched in a horribly unequal relationship.