i am controlled, if not by emotion, by logic but the logic is not mine. It's that of an extraordinarily intelligent man. A man I love, although he is not the easier man he used to be.
He has always had an element of control, for over twenty years. He has been very ill and is now seriously disabled, but there are things he can do for himself, although he doesn't.
He's never done a school run, even when we lived within walking distance because 'he doesn't do mornings'. If I said anything the answer was that he was agorophobic. He is, seriously so, but he didn't often get up either. He's never used a washing machine, ironed. He's done other things and he's been a good father. He spent a couple of years cooking once a month.
We argue. More so, now than ever. I will never win an argument. He claims I never back down which is strange, because it's not the case, and I am usually the first to apologise if I get it wrong. I don't argue properly though, I argue emotionally and I get frustrated when he wants to discuss the structure of the argument rather than the point. All this though, is about keeping me in my place. I want to talk about this but it just leaves a complete muddle in my head when I try to untangle it. I know I'm being emotionally abused but I can't describe exactly how. He stomps off to bed when he doesn't get his own way. He controls every fucking room in the house. We can't watch what we want to on the television because he is too disabled to sit on his chair in his study and read or he's bored lying on the bed. We can't make too much noise or listen to music in the conservatory because it's off the sitting room. Can't clean the house because he is up all night and sleeps during the day.
He is the only person I have ever met who complains if his coffee isn't handed to him at immediate drinking temperature, in other words, he cannot wait for it to cool down. He wakes me up almost every night, deliberately.
Our clothes come from charity shops, his from a high street expensive brand. He has a fixed amount out of the bank account every month which is his money to spend as he chooses. This does not include clothes, books, comic books, that's all the family budget. I do not have extra money to spend as I choose, although in fairness he doesn't often question what I spend.
I got something wrong yesterday (in his eyes) I tried to apologise, but wasn't allowed to. I offered to take him to collect something today, but I forgot to re-offer this morning, so he's not happy about that.
I cook meals that aren't suitable. God, have you ever cooked one of those meals that turns out different every time - spag bol for example, if it's different, he won't eat it, I know he has AS, but crikey, a spag bol isn't that different each time.
He uses the dc to create arguments and then blames them, for it going pear shaped, This morning dd1 chatting about what she is doing today and she fucked up (slightly) a coffee she was making for me. No big deal. I just laughed and made another, he had a go at her. We had literally, just got up. Really unfair. He will have a go at her when she's had a few drinks, again, unfair.
I keep trying to make things right but nothing is, it's all my fault and I can't see reason. I rung my 30 year old the other week to check that I wasn't as unhinged as dh says I am. 30 year old says I'm fine.
This is a muddle, because the incidents merge into one and I know he's being unreasonable but I can't for the life of me fish out the exact incidences. We have to accept, without question how difficult his life is, but without acknowledging that there is an impact upon anybody involved with his wellbeing.
I do everything I can to make his life easier. I'd like things too, I'd like to go out once in a while, other than to a supermarket. I'd like to have friends, go for coffee, go to the pictures, can't do any of those things. I went to a funeral recently and paid big time for being out all day. I went to a wedding two days after and paid again.
I actually wish he'd be violent so I had a good solid reason.