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Original poster

Is this financial abuse

60 replies

ThingsWillGetBetterInTime · 16/08/2014 02:05

Dh and I have been having money issues the last few months. We rum completely out of money for the last week or so of every month.

I have a credit card that I use for emergencies during this time and to buy basic food. I refuse to let dh borrow this card at all as I want to have complete control over it. It is our only source of money if there is an emergency. So dh has no money at all for the last week or so of each month.

Also to add, my parents gift me money every now and then that I secretly use to pay off the credit card. Dh doesn't know about this, and this is another reason why I'm so protective of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThingsWillGetBetterInTime · 16/08/2014 02:06

I forget to ask, so is this financial abuse of dh?

OP posts:
Fontella · 16/08/2014 02:45

Is it hell. Of course it's not financial abuse it's being bloody sensible.

That card is your lifeline for food, emergencies etc. and it is your parents cash gifts to you that are helping to keep the balance on it down. It's not like you are going out and blowing money on yourself and expecting your DH to pay for it.

Why are you even worrying about this?

twizzleship · 16/08/2014 02:51

depends....if he were doing that to you how would you feel about it?

wafflyversatile · 16/08/2014 02:54

You are supposed to be a team. Your finances should be transparent. Is there any particular reason you don't want your DP to know you are paying off some of the credit card each month? You say your DP has no money for the last week of the month? Do you have money for then?

Have you sat down together and agreed budget and steps to get back on track? Are you in trouble because of his actions or just circumstance?

Walkacrossthesand · 16/08/2014 07:59

The way you phrase your OP implies that you don't trust him not to spend on non-essentials on 'your' card - is that so? I think there are plenty of couples where one of them is 'better' with money than the other (more able to resist impulse spending etc) and is, by mutual agreement, given more control over the budget. Does your DH feel aggrieved that you won't give him the credit card?

dashoflime · 16/08/2014 08:04

Does your OP have pocket change in the last week for e.g: bus fares. Do you?
If no one has money but you are making sure there is food in the house that is fine. Its only if one partner is living better than the other that there's a problem I think. Still not abusive though.

dashoflime · 16/08/2014 08:05

do doh!

dashoflime · 16/08/2014 08:05

DP !

Fairylea · 16/08/2014 08:17

Is dh the source of your overspending? If so you're being sensible and he needs to realise he's causing the issue.

You both need to sit down and work out a proper budget and stick to it. Allocate money for each week and don't go over that amount. Take out cash and ask someone else to keep cards if necessary.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/08/2014 09:04

It's not financial abuse but it's not a healthy, joint, open approach to money either. Why are you being so underhand and secretive? Is there a reason you don't trust him? If you have money issues (debts? unemployment?) wouldn't it be better to work as a team to resolve them?

Higheredserf · 16/08/2014 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/08/2014 09:30

WHat's causing the money problems? As PPs said, are you claiming anything you are entitled to such as tax credits? Are you paying off massive debts?

Or is the problem that your H spends a lot on himself, and you are quietly paying off the credit card because if he knew there was 'extra' money he would take it and spend it on drink/gambling/an expensive hobby he has?

13greentomatoes · 16/08/2014 09:38

Has you dp/dh accused you of being financially abusive to him, or is it just you feeling guilty over having control over the money? xx

Original poster
ThingsWillGetBetterInTime · 16/08/2014 09:38

Dh is not that bad with money, it's just that we dont have much and he is not as cautious as I am (eg he will spend more on food for example and doesn't like to follow shopping lists as strictly as I do etc)

I have zero money at the end of the month, and so does he but I do use the credit card if it is essential (eg bread, some petrol if we really need to get somewhere).

We are on a tight budget we are following as don't have much money to spend on anything other than food and petrol tbh. Won't last forever as the reason things are tight is that I had some health problems and then have just had a baby, will go back to work when baby is 3-4 months, so things will improve then. Couldn't get maternity pay either so that is the reason.

If it was the other way around I would be upset as it would be like he doesn't trust me, and I guess I don't 100% trust him either Confused which is why I was wondering. The reson I don't tell him about secretly paying it off is that I worry if he knew about my parents money he would want to so something else with it and I am desperate to ensure we have this emergency money available on the credit card if we need it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThingsWillGetBetterInTime · 16/08/2014 09:40

He hasn't accuse me of anything. Has asked for the credit card to go shopping for food when we've run out and I've always told him I'd rather do it myself. He doesn't know about my parents gifting us money (bad to keep secrets I know). I just feel guilty, but I don't feel comfortable changing it which is why I feel bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThingsWillGetBetterInTime · 16/08/2014 09:41

Baby is only a month old, so we don't have long until things will improve.

OP posts:
13greentomatoes · 16/08/2014 09:50

Ah, I get you.

I think you've been very sensible with the way you have dealt with things moneywise. Don't feel bad.

When things improve financially, put a little money to one side so you can all have a treat every now and then xx

Squidstirfry · 16/08/2014 09:51

I would say financial abuse would be if you were witholding thousands in secret and portraying that you were skint and letting dh starve, that sort of extreme.
Holding total control of your one life line source of money is sensible, especially with a newborn.
I also don't tell my dp if my dad sends me money because I'm embarrassed about that. I think that's normal.

Original poster
ThingsWillGetBetterInTime · 16/08/2014 10:14

Thank you I feel better about that. I have a lot of worries about things that might happen like if the car or washing machine was to break down, or if we had money lost or stolen or even if we have zero money and run out of nappies and wipes. Which is why I need I ensure we have some emergency funds available.

OP posts:
Higheredserf · 16/08/2014 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ThingsWillGetBetterInTime · 16/08/2014 10:25

No I couldn't get smp but I have got maternity allowance, which is helping.

Yes we have got tax credits as well.

OP posts:
eyebags63 · 16/08/2014 10:41

I don't know, you say he isn't bad with money and he isn't the source of your current financial difficulties, yet you clearly don't trust him to only purchase essentials. Confused

I don't think it is abusive as such, but I do think it is a breach of trust and slightly controlling. I would be very upset if my partner did this to me and I would be worried about the state of the relationship if I felt the need to sneak about behind my DP back.

I'm inclined to think that you should act as a team, the money coming from your DD is family money and you should not be hiding it.

flipchart · 16/08/2014 10:44

I would be hurt and fuming if my DH did this to me tbh.

AgentProvocateur · 16/08/2014 10:54

I'd be furious if my DP didn't trust me with money, left me without any for a week a month, and then hid the fact that his parents were giving him money. In fact, it would make me reconsider the whole relationship.

notinagreatplace · 16/08/2014 11:10

I don't know if I would call it financial abuse exactly but it's definitely unhealthy, controlling, untrusting and I would probably leave if my DH did it to me.

I think, if you posted saying that your DH did this to you, you'd be inundated with "he's abusive, LTB" messages but people tend to be quite sexist about this kind of thing.