Is this financial abuse

[ThingsWillGetBetterInTime]

Dh and I have been having money issues the last few months. We rum completely out of money for the last week or so of every month.

I have a credit card that I use for emergencies during this time and to buy basic food. I refuse to let dh borrow this card at all as I want to have complete control over it. It is our only source of money if there is an emergency. So dh has no money at all for the last week or so of each month.

Also to add, my parents gift me money every now and then that I secretly use to pay off the credit card. Dh doesn't know about this, and this is another reason why I'm so protective of it.

Does the Credit Card have outstanding debt, other than the things you use it for each week (e.g. is there an outstanding sum and interest, or do you clear the balance completely each month). If the former then I think you should transfer the balance on to a no-interest account, but also cut up the cards. If you are paying interest on an outstanding CC debt plus doing fresh spending each week, then you are not managing.

To not even have money for food for a week or more each month sounds awful, and you might benefit from talking to a financial adviser at the CAB. I assume your DH is working full time, so even if he is on minimum wage you would have, including tax credits, about £290 per week. Plus the money your mum gives you. Whether that is enough or too little rather depends on your housing costs.

Do you rent or own your home. If the former, then you may be entitled to rent and council tax help. If the latter, then you still may be entitled to council tax help and it may also be possible for you to talk to your mortgage provider to see if there is any way you can temporarily reduce monthly payments until you return to work. There may also be other help available, but the best way to find out is to get some proper advice (re financial adviser at CAB, or similar).

Anyway, I've rather moved away from your original question ,,, no, not financial abuse ... but not a good way to jointly deal with your joint finances.

Not financial abuse.

You say you used part of 200 to pay a personal loan. Was the personal loan for a luxury he bought or family essentials.

You say if he knew you had an extra 40 from your parents he would spend on non food items or on something other than cc debt.

I think there may be more to his spending op. Is there?

We can't live within our means at the moment due to our rent, and we can't afford to move anyway and also it would be foolish to move now and uproot the dcs hastily as I will he returning to work in 2 months time and so we will have more income again anyway.

I talked to my dp and told him that my parenst had been giving me extra money over the last few months (he knows that they do this, just not the regularity or details of it) and that I had just been putting it into my credit card, but that I wanted to put that cash away into a separate place to use for 'essentials only' when we desperately needed it during the time that we had run out of money. That it was to be kept separate from the rest of our money every month. I have also have put the credit card away now and have told him that it will only be coming out if we need something in an emergency like the car breaking down. We shall see how it goes. I am not 100% comfortable as although he doesn't waste money he is not as careful as I am as I have said before, but if restoring trust to our marriage means living off the pantry contents only for a few days and not driving anywhere (because the money is all gone) that so be it.

43percent he is not as careful so for example he would go shopping and get everything on the list and then buy extra treats for the dc. Or he would substitute items for more expensive items instead of looking elsewhere or waiting. Doing this adds an extra £10 to the shop which makes a big difference.

I have talked to him about it but he doesn't see it the way I do, and I don't want to keep on at him about it as it is not a 'huge' problem and it is his money as well.

But it isn't his money as well, it's money giver to you by your parents, to pay down a debt in your name; a debt which you have accumulated not by frivolous spending but to ensure your family has essentials.

I'm sure your H would enjoy the extra spending power you card would provide and would possibly feel less guilt about spending on it because you, not he, would be liable for the debt.

Managing your own debt is not controlling or abusive, it's survival OP. Don't let him guilt you into any spending that is not within your budget in the name of "restoring trust".

SweetErmengarde - so, his money is for all of them, but hers is just hers? Somehow, when women post about men wanting to keep their money to themselves, it's financial abuse but it's just fine for women to keep their money to theselves.

Especially, when money is so tight, I think it's important that you work together as a team to budget. Hiding money from each other is not a good thing. It doesn't sound like the DH is appalling with money, just not as careful as the OP, which suggests that it's something they can work on together, it doesn't sound like it's in the category of one of you being a compulsive spender and needing the other to take control.

But there is no his/hers money. There is debt, in the OP's name. The OP is not keeping money from him, just not letting him use her credit card to pay for items they cannot afford. It doesn't matter if it's only 10. Doing that every month will add up. It's not financial abuse to keep your credit card to yourself, especially when there's money owing on it!

I think it's tough when one of you is trying to reduce spending and debts and one of you is less concerned.

It would be different if you were talking about money to spend and deciding what to spend it on, rather than increasing a debt (in the OP's name).

BlackDaisies, exactly! I'm not suggesting OP should spend on herself at the expense of her DH, just that she has every right to restrict adding to a debt that legally, she is solely responsible for.

But it's not just about the debt, it's also about the money that she gets from her parents. All of her DH's income is going on joint expenses, from the sounds of things, and managed together (well, mostly by the OP), why should her income (from her parents) be managed by her alone?